this is the part where i realize that my update is way, way overdue and rush to post it up. the worst part, actually, is when i know i’ve compiled some material for the update, and i have everything in a partial state of completion… and then just take forever to do it. this is probably mostly disappointing to myself (since it’s not like anyone’s pitched any “where the hell is the update” feedback at me in some time), but what are you going to do? clearly the introduction phase to these things have become some random, lazy, stream-of-consciousness rambling. anyway, this week, our theme shall be “weird sex-related crimes.” do pretend to care!

1993 BMW motorcycles: apparently, this was a good year for motorcycles that cause incredibly, never-ending erections

man sues BMW, alleging motorcycle seat gave him two-year erection

the sad fact is that before i got into the ridiculousness of the story, my initial reaction was “is this really something BMW should be sued for, or is the truly deserving defendant the subcontractor that manufactured the seat specifically?” but let’s move past my incredibly BORING reaction for a moment.

“Commercials for erectile dysfunction medications like Cialis end with a warning that individuals should contact their doctor if they have an erection that lasts for more than four hours. After 20 months, Henry Wolf decided to contact a lawyer instead, claiming that the seat on his BMW motorcycle gave him an erection lasting nearly two years.”

the problem with this saucy intro, beyond the fact that i fervently believe this “Eric Pfeiffer” has taken some payment from Cialis to start his piece this way, is that my immediate question is “so did this guy go to the doctor or not?” because whatever the cause of his erection problem, it’s not like the way this will get debated is him whipping it out on the stand in court and saying, “do whatever you like to it, it won’t go away.” you’d HAVE to have some kind of medical professional, even if it’s some shady back-alley doctor with a questionable certification, wouldn’t you? granted, this is California, and television tells me they have all sorts of Wacky Courtroom Drama out there… but still!

“The San Francisco Chronicle reports that Wolf filed a lawsuit against BMW North American and Corbin-Pacific claiming that the “ridged seat” on his 1993 motorcycle left him with mental and emotional anguish after allegedly causing an extreme case of priapism, also known as a long-lasting erection.”

i also get the impression that Pfeiffer wrote the phrase “long-lasting erection” dozens of times throughout this article before some depressed-looking, chain-smoking editor glared at him and remarked, “invest some of your time in learning what the word priapism means. also, the less you use the phrase ‘long-lasting erection,’ the better.

“Wolf “has been experiencing continuing problems since his motorcycle ride,” attorney Vernon Bradley of Sausalito wrote in the lawsuit, which was filed in California Superior Court in San Francisco last Thursday. “He is now unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish.”"

now, i’m no medical expert, but while i can totally see how a 20-month-long erection would certainly cause “continuing problems,” wouldn’t an inability to engage in sexual activity NOT be one of them? and even if it was, presumably because his 20-month-long erection is incredibly sore… does this mean he was out there cruising around on his erection-causing motorcycle banging loose biker-loving women for 19+ months UNTIL it became a problem and THEN decided to sue BMW? because this seems like an ineffective was to address the situation.

“Bradley said the alleged case of priapism began after Wolf took a four-hour ride on his motorcycle. As those erectile dysfunction commercials so regularly note-”

Pfeiffer, you are what Tom Nuttall would call “a bought-out son of a bitch.” STOP IT.

“-priapism can technically be onset after just four hours and is generally considered an emergency medical condition. The condition is named after the Greek fertility god Priapus, who is commonly depicted as having an unusually large erection.”

see, again, the lack of immediate medical treatment is confusing, because you’d have to figure that one, the average guy doesn’t normally have such long-lasting erections that he wouldn’t notice one that was exceeding four hours, and two, even if Wolf WAS prone to erections that just would not quit, wouldn’t there be SOME point prior to 20 months where you’d think, “boy, i really DO need to consult a medical professional about this erection lasting more than four hours.”

“According to USA Today, Wolf is seeking monetary damages for lost wages, medical expenses, emotional distress and “general damage.”"

USA Today has let me down on this front, because i really want to know what some of this means. medical expenses? despite the lack of a doctor being mentioned, that seems pretty clear. emotional distress? i always find this idea a little bogus, but okay. lost wages? let’s just take it as a given that he couldn’t work because his MASSIVE THREE-INCH ERECTION was distracting all the ladies at the office, although some clarity would be nice. but general damages? what else could he need to be compensated for that we haven’t covered?

“The All About Bikes blog notes that there have been several instances alleging erectile dysfunction as a result of narrow motorcycle seats but that this appears to be the first case where a medical condition with the exact opposite effect has been alleged. Florida radio station WWJ Newsradio 950 spoke with Michigan Institute of Urology’s Dr. Michael Luts who said there is “no medical data” to support Wolf’s claim, again citing the evidence that riding a motorcycle for an extended period of time typically works against the body’s ability to achieve sexual arousal. “It’s been long-known that compression of the neurovascular supply to the penis—if it’s compressed for a period of time, whether it be on a bicycle seat or some other device—it can actually cause prolonged numbness of the genitalia,” Lutz told the station.”

you didn’t need to speak to a doctor from MICHIGAN for someone to point out that there’s no medical data to support this; we covered that at the part where it’s apparently not a pressing thing to address or to mention your supposed doctor regarding (although definitely pressing enough to sue for that cash). but we could have asked the doctor this? motorcycle-seat pressure causing prolonged genital numbness has been “long-known?” what exactly are you dudes studying up there in Michigan?

a bleak photograph made even bleaker by the fact that the subject is not fully aware a skinny 45-year-old man is exposing his sub-par genitals to her

man exposes himself at Association for the Blind

yeah, that’s definitely a headline. to cut right to the chase:

“A man exposed himself to a woman inside the Bucks County Association for the Blind. Newtown Township police said the incident occurred about 2 p.m. Friday inside the bookstore at the offices at 400 Freedom Drive. The woman told police the suspect is a skinny, black male, between 35 and 45 years old, about 5 feet 10 inches tall and was wearing a black track suit. Officers checked the area along with Newtown Borough police and could not find the suspect.”

now, this isn’t a very long article, but i have found it raised some key questions:

01. was this man AWARE that it was the Association for the Blind that he was exposing himself in? because this either means that a) there’s something about exposing himself with the prospect of people NOT BEING AWARE of it (except, perhaps, for their detection of his heavy breathing and giggling at the like) that really works for this guy; b) that he was so desperate to expose himself to SOMEONE that when his original plans fell through (like the ladies’ yoga class ended early, or there was a random police officer near the Orange Julius stand with the cute server that this guy was really going to show something to) that he HAD to expose himself to someone in the first place he could; or c) this guy’s just fucking stupid. i ALWAYS vote for stupid in these scenarios.

02. how did someone in the Association for the Blind describe what the subject looked like? because i am starting to get the impression that SOMEONE is getting over on us, the average taxpayer, with a fictional disability.

now, speaking of situations that involve appalling, grotesque approximations of sexual reproduction…

i sort of consider her visage to be the opposite of pornography, but hey, what do i know?

‘Octomom’ files for bankruptcy; Nadya Suleman turns to adult film industry

yes, she’s disgusting and giving her the slightest amount of attention isn’t doing anything but encouraging an attention whore, but we’re trying for a “weird sex-related crime” theme here, and since i consider her mere existence a crime… anyway, a minor quibble to start: what’s the point of using the nickname AND the actual name in the overly-long title there?

“Octomom” Nadya Suleman filed for bankruptcy Monday, saying in a court filing that she has as much as $1 million in debt. “I have had to make some very difficult decisions this year, and filing Chapter 7 was one of them,” Suleman said.”

so for one thing, i’m disappointed it took this long to make such difficult decisions, considering her apparent to crank out as many unsupported children as possible for another, does it seem to anyone else like our society’s failure to seize her children and sterilize her has simply allowed her to run up that $1 million in debt? really, who keeps loaning her money? personally, i’m choosing to believe that she’s the cause of our recent recession.

“The La Habra mother of 14 reports up to $50,000 in assets in federal court filings, which means she owes more than 20 times her net worth. Suleman is filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy, which means a court-appointed trustee would liquidate her assets to pay off creditors before she is discharged from most of her debts. Among others, Suleman owes money to her father, the city’s water department, DirecTV and Whittier Christian School, where at least some of her children are students.”

well, at least her debts are for necessities like water and… DirecTV. look, i like my DirecTV and all, but when you’ve got 14 children, $1 million in debt and no job, it MIGHT be time to cut out the premium package, to say the least. somehow, though, i doubt she even has much in the way of assets for the trustee to liquidate (there’s no home-ownership, for example)… so what’s the point?

“Suleman also owes more than $30,000 in rent payments on her four-bedroom house. The home’s owner, Amer Haddadin, says his own credit has suffered as he allowed the home to go into foreclosure proceedings by not making the mortgage payments. A foreclosure auction that was scheduled for Monday has been postponed for a week. Suleman was in financial dire straits before the January 2009 birth of her octuplets brought her notoriety.”

so while i am sure Haddadin is thinking “i don’t really want to put 14 children out on the street,” i’m just going to say this: when someone’s $30000 behind on the rent, they’re not about to suddenly make it right before it destroys your credit, and that’s why we call our local sheriff to gentle escort that said someone out of the house with her soiled collection of household goods.

oh, and we learn (or reconfirm, anyway) that in 2009, prior to the eight births, she already was in dire financial straits and had six children, making it clear what a great decision it was for her to bloat her womb to an insane side to pump out more children. seriously, my presidential campaign will feature two planks in the platform: “guns guns guns” and “packing your body full of in vitro fertility treatments when you owe big money and have more than five children will result in you going directly to jail.”

but anyway, this is where we’re going with all this:

“In 2009, Suleman declined a million-dollar offer to appear in pornography — but now she’s changed her mind. TMZ reported that Suleman signed up to make a solo masturbation video for an adult entertainment company. Suleman reportedly “doesn’t consider a masturbation video porn, because it’s a solo mission.” She has vowed in the past never to get into pornography, but she has made $10,000 for posing topless.”

so basically:
–she made a big fuss over never doing pornography, but has posed semi-naked and now is about to make out-and-out pornography;
–she’s choosing to do this now AFTER racking up an insane amount of debt and running at least one other person’s credit in the process (i say at least one because somehow i suspect family members have long since ruined their credit for her benefit);
–she doesn’t actually seem smart enough to understand what the word “pornography” means.

Octomom, look, the thing to do was make some $1000000 porn video back in 2009 and tell everyone you were only doing it to feed your children. that would have been something approaching an adult decision to do whatever you needed to do to support all your unnecessary kids. but now you’ve got this weird “i guess i have to do porn” thing going on that’s evoking a combination of “well, it’s sad this is her solely remaining career option” and “the thought of this Octomom masturbation fiasco is making me vomit out every organ i can in the hope of reaching the sweet embrace of death.”

so there you have it: after the things we’ve covered this week, death cannot possibly be the worst possible outcome for us all. we could end up with a 20-month erection watching Octomom porn surrounded by blind people. make sure you give thanks for avoiding all that.

i must admit i am not a great believer in many of the “mysterious happenings and/or mysterious things that eat goats” that the unwashed masses feel fill the world around them, generally on the grounds that all those things are incredibly unlikely to be true. i understand why a sasquatch being real would be cool –academically cool, anyway, because for the life of me i cannot figure out what benefit to society a sasquatch would provide, because it’s unlikely they’d turn out to be turbo-delicious or have sweet, luxurious fur we could turn into awesome coats– but i just don’t see any logical reason to assume the half-assed evidence ridiculous dudes who have gotten onto television somehow are throwing is proof of anything besides “whoever signed off on this whole Finding Bigfoot program must have access to some INCREDIBLY good drugs.”

the same goes for ghosts: while i am even willing to grant ghosts are more “reasonable” than sasquatches and yetis and stink apes and everything else on the grounds that a ghost, being non-corporeal, could THEORETICALLY be anywhere taking up no space, whereas a stink ape needs some land in which to, well, stink … i still don’t buy the concept, not least because there’s approximately ONE MILLION goddamn ghost finding or catching or adventuring shows out there, and they’ve so far located no much more than some video proof that morons in a dark house are easily scared by THE RAW MYSTERY OF IT ALL.

but maybe, just maybe, i am being too harsh on this whole ghosts-don’t-exist thing? so this brings us to the current week’s update, in which i examine some surely 100% accurate ghost stories that MUST be proof of nefarious supernatural shenanigans.

this house … is incredibly loud late at night

woman who blamed late-night noise on poltergeist is evicted from home

“A young mother has been taken to court after ignoring warnings to stop having loud all-night parties. Leanne Fennell, 20, told her neighbours a poltergeist was to blame for the thumping music and rubbish strewn in the garden.”

now, okay, my understanding of poltergeists (based mainly on the fact that i’ve seen the movie Poltergeist at least 10 times, for some reason, and most of Poltergeist II at least once) tells me that this is sort of in line with “what poltergeists do”: they like to make a racket (check), they like to throw things about (check), and they like to make everyone’s life difficult (check). this all being said, it IS mysterious that this ‘young mother’ (don’t see how THAT is relevant) was not bitching about her poltergeist friend until his late-night parties became a social inconvenience).

“She has now been evicted from the home in Wexford Avenue, on the Greatfield estate in east Hull. Hull City Council prosecuted Fennell after she ignored a noise abatement notice served earlier this year.”

well, of COURSE she ignored it: she wasn’t doing anything wrong! it was a poltergeist! although again, i think if i had a incorporeal ghost-like being wrecking my house and blasting my “Scumdogs Of The Universe” album at top volumes all night long (admittedly a guess, as a i have no idea what poltergeists like to rock out to, but i think it’s a sound guess) and i was slapped with some kind of British ticket, i’d at LEAST want the cops to know that they’re slapping the wrong resident with their noise abatement notice.

“Council officers also seized four televisions, four DVD players and a CD player, which will now be destroyed.”

wait, what? brief tangent: why are these things being destroyed? if you’re turbo-loud in Britain, they seize and break all your stuff to teach you a lesson? because it seems like, at the very least, you could sell these things and turn them into GOVERNMENT MONEY. or maybe give them to a poor kid who doesn’t have even one television, let alone FOUR televisions? i consider this to be proof of your society being a wasteful pile of consumers, Britain. except for Wales, because Wales is cool. they can destroy all the televisions they want.

“One neighbour, who did not wish to be named, said: “She told us a poltergeist would keep switching the music on really loud when she was in bed.” However, another neighbour told of “night after night” of loud parties running into the early hours of the morning. “Some of the neighbours had a terrible time,” they said. “There was always bottles and bottles of wine and cider just chucked in the garden. She had at least four huge bonfires to burn some of the rubbish that was in there.”

the key problem with this cover story, i think, is that if you’ve got a bunch of loud parties going on, there’s GOT to be a stream of people coming in and out of the place, right? so what are those people doing while the poltergeist is dicking around with your stereo, sitting quietly in the front room reading books about economics and naval warfare and so on? unlikely. plus, let’s be honest: who wants to party (or even visit) at a home inhabited by an annoying-as-hell poltergeist? and why is Fennell in bed when there’s parties going on at her- wait, i think i figured out the answer to that one.

also… she had four huge bonfires to deal with trash? has Britain become some kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland filled with neo-Luddite television smashing and massive trash bonfires while i wasn’t paying attention?

“On her Facebook page, Fennell says: “First and most of all I’m a proud mam to a beautiful little girl. I’m not fussy … but a girl should try look her best 24/7. I also sin but I’m not the devil, so with me what you see is what you get. I love to party with my mates, well, the ones who can keep up with me that is.”

oh, i forgot the other key problem: people forgetting that stupid shit you post on Facebook, even stupid shit that busts your incredibly clever “a poltergeist did it” story, can (and will) be read by many, many people. perhaps even those looking to bust you for something, if only so that they can destroy your televisions as a punishment!

“Hull magistrates ordered her to pay fines of £370 and costs of £500 to Hull City Council. Last week, the council ran a week of events to encourage people to report neighbourhood nuisance.”

so instead of selling the televisions and DVD players and all to recoup the £870, we smash them? sorry, sorry, i’ll get over this television smashing thing. ultimately, her mistake was clear: not reporting the poltergeist to the proper authorities as directed by the Hull City Council. they probably would have at LEAST sent in a tiny old medium lady to resolve the problem. although, when you consider the fact that said tiny old medium lady wasn’t enough to prevent all those Poltergeist sequels, you have to consider that she might not really have been that effective of a poltergeist-fighting force.

surely this is the only irrational ghost claim i can think of right now? well…

found this image result while looking for Josue Chinchilla, to which i say “fuck yeah”

N.J. couple suing their landlord over a ‘haunted’ house

“Most ghost stories don’t wind up in court. But a family in Toms River, N.J., has filed a lawsuit demanding that their landlord let them out of their new lease and return their security deposit, because, they say, the house he rented them was “haunted.” Is this an Amityville Horror-style story, or a scam? Here, a brief guide:”

for one thing, i don’t know why we’re continuing to debate this seriously: yes, it’s a scam. hell, even if you go with the former (that “Amityville Horror-style story”), i’m pretty sure they proved THAT was a scam as well. so it’s “scam” or “scam” i can choose from? i’m voting for “scam.” also, writer of this piece, could we just say “Toms River, NJ” and be done with it? because i’m not saying that it’s WRONG your way, but i have to admit that i just think it looks sloppy as hell.

“What exactly happened in this “haunted” house?
Some extremely spooky stuff, according to the tenants, Josue Chinchilla and Michele Callan. In their lawsuit, the couple, who lived in the house along with her two children for just one week, say they frequently came home to find clothes and towels strewn across the floor. They also say that doors in the house sometimes opened slowly and slammed shut, on their own, and they often saw lights flicker. Sometimes, when everyone was in bed, the family could hear footsteps in the kitchen.”

wait, so “the house gets messy sometimes” and “lights flickering” now qualify as “extremely spooky stuff?” please, give me a fucking break. extremely spooky stuff should involve blood, or mysterious voices, or being attacked by a tree in the messy pool of your backyard. THAT is extremely spooky. or even a crazy clown doll trying to kill your child! however, the fact that clothes and towels were found strewn on the floor in a house that includes two children among its inhabitants seems to qualify less as “extremely spooky stuff” and more “something PROBABLY done by your messy goddamn children, who are almost certainly not ghosts, although i admittedly don’t know that much about them from this article.” summation: still a scam.

also, let me be clear: i HATE assuming the worst of anyone named Chinchilla. but it is what it is!

“Do they have any proof?
Chinchilla and Callan hired N.J. Paranormal Investigators to back up their claim. Marianne Brigando, co-founder of the agency, says her investigators found more evidence of haunting in this house than in any other house they have ever examined. Brigando says something unseen answered a question from her team using light switches. They also brought in a church pastor, who suggested the house had been possessed by demons. And, as it happens, the house is in the same town where the 1979 version of The Amityville Horror was filmed.”

well, let’s address this “proof”:
–i don’t know who the fuck “N.J. Paranormal Investigators” are, but if they’re anything like the average ghost-hunting jackass i see on television pissing themselves because they heard a spooky noise in a darkened building, i am DISTINCTLY unimpressed;
–but even if they’re totally on the level (unlikely), i frankly don’t know what the fuck “more evidence of haunting in this house than in any other house they have ever examined” is supposed to mean. granted, the article is of limited length, but maybe you could give me an example of ONE notably haunted house you’ve examined?
–and then the example she gives is something unseen (probably one of those children) fucking around with light switches. to be succinct, this is again something that doesn’t come anywhere near qualifying as “extremely spooky stuff”;
–and a random church pastor (presented without any identifying information or notion of what credentials he has) making a bold claim that the house is possessed by demons. shit, anyone could hire someone to just declare a house is filled with demons. i could be hired for a few hundred dollars to show up, wave around a Bible, and then say, “yeah, i totally sense demons here. this house is packed to the gills with extremely spooky demons.” i mean it, internet, i can literally be hired to do this. just, you know, drop me an e-mail;
–”as it happens, the house is in the same town where the 1979 version of The Amityville Horror was filmed.” i will just sum this up as “so fucking what.” it’s not even a claim that this is the Amityville Horror house. they filmed one version of the movie ABOUT A GODDAMN SCAM there. to repeat: so fucking what.

“What does the landlord say?
Predictably, landlord Richard Lopez is not buying it. Lopez, who has an orthodontist practice next to the allegedly haunted house, says he’s been renting out the house for years with no complaints, and his new tenants just made up the story so they could break their lease without losing their $2,250 security deposit. Lopez filed a counter suit accusing Chinchilla and Callan of using “paranormal activity” as an excuse to get out of a rental they can’t afford. “She is a single mom, she has this fiancé living with her,” says Lopez’s attorney David A. Semanchik. “I think she is in over her head.”"

predictably, i find landlord Richard Lopez to be fucking awesome. now, okay, i grant you that he’s likely to call bullshit on anything a tenant throws at him to get out of their lease (and hey, if i had a haunted house i was renting out, i’d probably deny it as well), but if i was Richard Lopez and one of my tenants wanted out of their lease because the house was apparently haunted, well, i’d report them to whatever authority you report crazy people living in a house you own to. the police, i guess?

“So do the tenants have a case?
“Ultimately a judge will have the final word on whether the family will be able to escape their alleged nightmare on Lowell Avenue,” says Alyssa Newcomb at ABC News. It’s going to be an easy decision, says Cherlyn Gardner Strong at Paranormal Old Pueblo. “The only thing that matters is the terms of the rental contract,” which has no haunting clause. Even if testimony from paranormal detectives were admissible in court, the evidence in this case is flimsy. They don’t stand “a ghost of a chance.”"

i will forgive the pun because of the mocking tone they take regarding “testimony from paranormal detectives.” but seriously, what confuses the hell out of me is why anyone would ever run with such a scam in the first place. GHOSTS ARE NOT REAL. and if they are real, they’re certain not screwing around with your towels and light switches.

alright, that’ll do it for this installment. until next time (whenever that is)…

i could blame this update’s delay on actually having it mostly done and then dragging my heels when it came to putting the final touches on it; i could also blame this update’s delay on tossing one third of it at the next-to-last minute and using a replacement topic to complete it. the latter sounds more like i’m devoted to making every effort to bringing YOU the best comedy i can, so we’ll go with that one.

and now, the update!

yet another American incarcerated because of the demonic influence of Facebook. WHEN WILL WE LEARN

Pasco man in jail for calling 911 because wife wouldn’t leave him alone

so i have tried to make this point many, many times, but people still don’t seem to be listening, so it shouldn’t be any kind of surprise that people are getting themselves arrested for the improper use of 911, although THIS story may be our most ridiculous example to date.

“Doyle Hardwick found himself back at the Land O’Lakes jail this month, this time for 60 days, all because he wanted to check his Facebook page in peace.”

…and i am immediately blown away by this story. for one thing, this is not the typical reason for which a man gets sent to jail, so i KNOW something ridiculous is coming. for another, while i am aware thanks to the internet that there is a real Land O’Lakes, complete with a jail, in Florida, the name still makes me think there’s some ridiculous butter-themed jail out there somewhere. finally, Doyle Hardwick sounds like a fictional name, doesn’t it? but let us not digress!

“The trouble began brewing the evening of Sept. 24, as Hardwick plied his wife with beer, hoping she would go to bed. She drank. And drank. But didn’t feel like going to sleep. So he called 911. Caller (CLR) “says him and his wife are sitting next to each other,” the 911 transcript reads. “CLR is upset because she won’t go to bed. Now they are bickering about who has been drinking. CLR has had 4 beers. Wife has had 8 beers. … CLR is upset because she wouldn’t let him look at Facebook peacefully.”"

now, if you’re plying your wife with beer, i didn’t think the motivation was supposed to be “in order to look at Facebook peacefully.” then again, i also didn’t think that Facebook was something for people to get locked up over, although i suppose i should have realized otherwise after i heard about people getting murdered over people getting unfriended on Facebook. but here’s the real factoid that seems to be missing her: no one ever calmed down and went to bed because someone else kept giving them more and more beers. it does not happen.

“His wife, Julie Hardwick, 54, waited for the deputy outside the mobile home at 27022 Dayflower Blvd. in the Angus Valley area of Wesley Chapel. “Come in,” she said to the deputy, a Pasco County Sheriff’s Office report states. “He’s in here.” Doyle Hardwick, 57, was still on the phone with 911 when the deputy walked in. The house was in order and the Hardwicks were calm. Both smelled of alcohol, the report says.”

as always, when 911 is being called for some ridiculous reason, someone involved ALWAYS smells of alcohol.

“Doyle Hardwick said he “called 911 because he was upset about his wife sitting next to him and not going to sleep after he gave her beers to go to sleep,” the deputy wrote. “His wife was supposed to go to sleep after he gave her the beers because that was their agreement. He wanted me to make his wife not sit next to him and go to bed like she was supposed to.” “I just wanted someone to make my wife do what I wanted her to do,” Hardwick told the deputy.”

this is presumably where the deputy arrested Hardwick for one count of being a goddamn idiot, and possibly his wife for one count of accessory to being an idiot. THIS IS NOT WHAT 911 AND/OR THE POLICE ARE FOR. although i suppose if this was some kind of contractual agreement (beers for sleep), then there might be a civil case for Hardwick to look into. perhaps the people that should be bothered are the lawyers, not the police or 911; i recommend the drunken idiots of America look into this as soon as possible.

“Julie Hardwick told the deputy “her husband asked her to not sit next to him and she told him she didn’t feel like sitting anywhere else,” the report states. “Her husband told her if she didn’t quit sitting next to him and go to bed, he was going to call 911 and the police were going to make her. She told her husband not to call 911 or the police and he did.”"

sometimes i do this thing where i post what i would say in the face of this kind of foolishness, but in this case, i probably would have just shot these fucking morons. i commend this deputy for his patience, because if listening to two idiots argue is bad, and listening to two drunks argue is bad, as for two drunken idiots arguing? it doesn’t get much worse.

“Hardwick was arrested that night on a charge of misuse of 911.”

HELL YEAH. but i ask myself, is there any way that Hardwick could make that WORSE for himself? i think you see where my crude foreshadowing is headed:

“He pleaded no contest in February and was sentenced to 60 days in jail. He turned himself in to the jail on the appointed date, March 1, although he showed up intoxicated, which was against the terms of his sentencing guidelines, jail records show.”

i’m actually pretty confident that turning yourself into jail WHILE INTOXICATED is against a lot more than just sentencing guidelines, but i love that someone took the time to clarify that aspect of it. and that’s not all:

“This was not his first act of misuse of 911. He pleaded no contest in 2010 to the same charge and was sentenced to 10 days in jail, court records show. That time, he repeatedly called 911 demanding to speak to someone in code enforcement “regarding neighbors defecating into old vehicle fuel tanks for the past three weeks,” a report states. He also asked the responding deputy for a ride to his daughter’s house.”

so he’s actually done this before AND been arrested for it AND spent time in jail for it … and the previous time was for the even more ridiculous combination of “please address my neighbors who are shitting into old gas tanks” AND asking the responding officer for a ride? i’ve changed my mind: Doyle Hardwick is not a goddamn idiot, he’s a goddamn comedy genius. my apologies, good sir.

JUST LIKE EXERCISE

more young woman try to beat wrinkles with preventive Botox, thermage treatments

first off, they used the word “woman” instead of “women” in the title, not i. second, let me immediately file this under “yet another reason why i am totally disappointed in Americans.” it’s not a short list.

“In a society that has become obsessed with youth, there is a growing trend of young women, many still in their 20s, taking dramatic and expensive measures to stop the signs of aging before they happen with non-surgical treatments. Preventive Botox injections and costly thermage, a hot radio frequency treatment that tightens and lifts skin that is all the rage among celebrities, are the latest cosmetic procedures used to stop crows feet in their tracks.”

so the first thing i don’t understand is why young women “still in their 20s” are obsessed with looking young: they ARE young. i mean, if you think you look ugly, okay, that’s different; if you want to look YOUNGER (although i don’t know how much younger than your 20s women really want to look), i suppose that’s a little different … but simply wanting to look young? you’ve accomplished it by BEING young. also, why do i always suspect that when something is “all the rage among celebrities,” it’s actually not, and is simply being pitched as such by unscrupulous plastic surgeons and the like? because we all know it’s not like there’s a swarm of female celebrities out there freely admitting “yeah, i’ve had preemptive Botox done to my face.”

“Starting early is one of the top tips Dr. Debra Jaliman, a dermatologist on New York City’s tony Fifth Avenue, offers in her new book, “Skin Rules.” She often tells her young patients, if they ask, that the science is clear: Early engagement can stop the clock. “If you know you’re somebody who’s going in the direction of cosmetics and you know that you’re going to care about lines, then I say it’s better to do it earlier than to wait and do it once these lines have etched into the skin,” Jaliman said. “So if you’re in your 20s and you start to see lines coming, then why not do it early and prevent it? And to me it’s just like exercise.”"

TO ME IT’S JUST LIKE EXERCISE. except for the part where it’s not exercise at all? and the part where it’s a sad commentary on our culture where someone who is theoretically a doctor is telling people that paying for a minor medical procedure is just like getting exercise? however, the actual saddest part of all this is a doctor using the phrase “somebody going in the direction of cosmetics,” because i know NO IDEA what that’s really supposed to mean. is it someone who cares deeply about lines that they don’t yet have and intends to use makeup to address it?

“However, Jaliman also offers less costly, basic advice for any young woman who is looking to fend off the signs of aging. At the top of the list is getting enough sleep and eating right.”

somehow i suspect that “getting enough sleep and eating right” doesn’t get as hard a sell as the Botox, especially from someone who is pitching Botox treatments to stop lines THAT DO NOT YET EXIST as it being just like exercise.

“”I can’t tell you all the people who come to me to correct problems they wouldn’t have had if they followed those simple rules,” Jaliman said. “They would save thousands of dollars if they did those simple things.” Most importantly, she says, young women should stay away from prolonged sun exposure and tanning beds. “We know sun exposure is cumulative,” Jaliman said. “Even five minutes a day is enough to give you cancer, but it’s also enough to break down the collagen.”"

yes, but again, Jaliman, there is still a difference between a woman who’s overindulged in tanning beds or never got enough sleep and has developed some issue –lines in their skin, i suppose– and a woman who’s in her 20s, has NO lines, and is asking you to stop said non-existent lines with Botox. the former has at least something concrete to worry over.

“Thermage treatments jolt collagen under the skin into overdrive, causing the body to produce more, and firm up saggy areas. Patients get the nip-and-tucked look without the surgery, but it comes with a hefty price tag. “It definitely tightens your skin. There’s no downtime,” Jaliman said. “But it is expensive. To do a whole face could be $3,500. So it’s an expensive investment, so it’s not for everybody. But I think it’s a good investment.”"

“i mean, it’s thousands of dollars that you might be spending to stop lines that don’t exist … but i think it’s a good investment.”

“Jane Curasco, one of Jaliman’s patients, is a new mother and aspiring actress, with no overt need for any boosting or filling. She said she decided to make a substantial investment in stopping the aging clock at age 31. While her friends have tried lasers and microdermobrasion, Curasco said she was the only one to invest in thermage.”

one, i suspect THIS is the type of celebrity we’re talking about. two, i don’t think the issue with becoming an actress is that you look 31; it might be more related to something like “an inability to act.” three, it’s not a “substantial investment” unless you can tell me exactly what you’re getting of all this. in fact, it might be instructive to look at her remarks:

“I went on an audition recently and I was supposed to portray a young mother, which I am actually, but every young mother that went in looked 19 so I looked way older than the other people portraying what I actually am,” Curasco said.”

Curasco, you’re not a young mother, you’re 31. young mothers ARE in their 20s or younger; that’s basically what the term means, so what we’re really complaining about her is that you believe that, at age 31, you’re a young mother when no one else does (this is also why you keep repeating “what i actually am”). but let’s move past that and address the logic: if you want to get a role that requires someone to look 19, what exactly does making a “substantial investment” in stopping the aging process at 31 actually accomplish? you’ll still fail to be acknowledged as a young mother.

“The dermatologist said thermage is so popular in her office that she has seen a new trend of patients who request it as a full body treatment, which costs a whopping $25,000. But if thermage is out of reach price-wise, patients can turn to preventive Botox.”

or they could eat well and get some sleep so that they won’t have to pay $25000 to keep their feet looking young with full-body thermage. ultimately, though, this problem will only be solved when we find a way to use Botox to make stupid women act less stupid.

now, this last one isn’t so funny, but since it involves bears and something ridiculous…

and when i said “bears,” i meant “this incredibly creepy staring bear”

hibernating bears’ wounds heal without scars

okay, no scarring? well, that’s not such a big deal…

“Medical researchers and zoologists worked together to find that the bears’ wounds healed with almost no scarring, and were infection-free.”

okay, and infection-free? that’s pretty solid, as well as (presumably) mysterious and inexplicable. so what was the thing about hibernating, again?

“This study was part of a project by scientists from the universities of Minnesota, Wyoming and the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources, who have tracked 1,000 black bears, in order to monitor their health and behaviour, for 25 years. Whilst tracking the bears – using radio collars – the researchers noticed some early evidence of their surprising healing abilities. They wrote in their paper: “We identified a few animals each year with injuries resulting from gunshots or arrows from hunters; bite marks from other bears or predators. These wounds were considered to have been incurred some time before the bears denned, and were often infected or inflamed… in early winter. Yet typically, when we revisited bears in their dens a few months later, most wounds had completely resolved whether or not we [cleaned them], sutured the areas or administered antibiotics.”"

so let me understand this: bears get shot or bite by some predator, then the bear takes an admittedly lengthy nap … and the bear recovers completely, with no ill effects? this makes me a little uneasy, especially when you consider that bears are constantly sleeping in coolers and other shenanigans.

“To test the bear’s healing abilities experimentally, the team carefully tracked the healing of small cuts on the skin of 14 of their radio-collared bears in northern Minnesota.”

ah, this sounds like a good idea: you’ve discovered these massive predatory mammals have extraordinary healing powers, so you figure “let’s further annoy them by fussing over their injuries!” luckily, every movie ever involving scientists leads me to understand that there’s no way scientists will fuck something like this up, so i am not that concerned.

“Between November (when the bears first settled down in their dens) and March (about a month before they emerged) the wounds healed with “minimal evidence of scarring”. Added to this, there were no signs of infection, the layers of damaged skin regrew and many of the bears even grew hair from newly formed follicles at the site of their injuries. One of the researchers, Prof David Garshelis from the University of Minnesota, told BBC Nature: “It seems so surprising to us that their wounds would heal so well and so completely when they’re hibernating and their metabolism is slowed down. But, he added, the animals had many other “remarkable adaptations to hibernation”.”

you know who’s not surprised? the guy who knows that bears are awesome AND doesn’t try to mess with their wounds. that guy is me.

…and that will (belatedly) do it. let’s try to keep things going at a good pace next time.

so after all that “website problem drama” and “ANGRY WIZARD drama,” i figured it would be reassuring to our audience (all three of you) to get back to the usual: dashing off “updates” in the forum of linking to random, weeks-old internet news articles and making some jokes about them. actually, it’s possible that one of these is accidentally current (or fairly current, at least), but i’m not sure of that; in either case, let’s just consider that an unfortunate accident that we’ll try not to repeat and get right into the “internet comedy!”

although i would like to thank this welfare cheat for being white so that we can avoid the outburst of internet racism that always accompanies stories about welfare cheats

Michigan woman wins $1-million lottery, still collects welfare

now, i know it’s not really kosher to declare that the victim of a crime has done anything to bring that crime upon themselves… but at the same time, i have a feeling that if something criminal was to happen to this woman at the hands of Michigan taxpayer, we’d probably all be sitting here thinking, “well, i imagine she should have predicted SOMETHING along those lines occurring.” and why is that? well…

“A Michigan woman who won a $1-million lottery jackpot last fall admits she’s continued to collect $200 a month in public assistance. That’s not all: The 24-year-old also says she deserves the financial aid because she’s now saddled with expenses related to two houses.”

yes, this is really one of those situations where people need to stop speaking in their own defense, because the last argument you should follow “i still need my welfare after winning a $1 million lottery” is “i DESERVE the financial aid because i have so many houses!” actually, i guess the LAST argument you want to make is “i DESERVE the financial aid because i spent all my lottery winnings on heroin and child pornography sold to me by Communists,” but the one she’s making here still seems to be incredibly unsound. of course, someone smart enough to shut up in this situation is probably also smart enough to not immediately waste all their lottery winnings, so…

she also added in a quote in another article on this story that:

“[Clayton] will keep using her Bridge card until the state cuts her off and said she deserves it. ‘It’s just hard, you know. I’m struggling,’ she said.”

…which, if nothing else, does lead me to believe that she’s not actually smart enough to know what the word “struggling” means.

“The situation came to light this week after the Detroit-area Local 4 station received a hot tip: “Please do a story on lottery winners on welfare.” Local 4 did just that. First, it tracked Amanda Clayton using her public assistance card at a local snack market. Then, it tracked Clayton out to her home, where she was packing up a U-Haul for a move to her new place — a home she had bought with cash from her lottery earnings, along with a new car.”

i think the best part about this is the small scale, almost insulting use of the public assistance: you’ve just bought a house AND a car, both presumably with the sudden windfall of lottery cash… but damn if i am going to shop at my local snack market with said lottery cash! i mean, at least buy something more than some candy and beer with your morally-outrageous purchase!

“Clayton, stopped in her driveway, barely flinched when the camera and microphone were thrust in her face. Nor did the single mother of two backpedal; she said she deserves the extra income just like any other taxpayer on public assistance.”

…and the whole thing is made even better by this woman being a (presumably-unmarried) mother of two. no time to plan for my children’s future; i need to spend this money ASAP! and yes, i know that buying a new house could in many respects be a form of planning for her children’s future, but i’m going for comedic outrage here, so there’s no need to be so technical. but okay, she says she needs the extra income “just like any other taxpayer on public assistance.” so… can we elaborate on that?

“I thought that they would cut me off, but since they didn’t, I thought maybe it was OK because I’m not working,” Clayton told the reporter. “I feel that it’s OK because, I mean, I have no income, and I have bills to pay. I have two houses.”

…wow.

now, i DO like the subtle shift from “i thought maybe it was OK” to “i feel that it’s OK.” i’m wondering how long she pondering this question for, but i imagine it can’t have been longer than 13 or so minutes. then again, we’re obviously not dealing with a deep intellect here, considering that she seems to see no connection between “i have bills to pay” and “i just bought myself a second house with my lottery money.” i suppose at the very least, though, she’s not saying “i have bills to pay, and i’ve spent all my massive lottery winnings on rolling around in a giant pile of money, thereby tearing all the bills and rendering them unusable in legal commerce.” that WOULD be more ridiculous.

“[Clayton] also quibbles with the reporter who wonders how she can justify taking public aid after winning $1 million on the state’s “Make Me Rich!” television show. After taking the lottery payment in a lump sum and paying taxes upfront, she walked away with much less.”

see, my rule of thumb goes like this: if someone makes more per year in salary than the amount of lottery money you’ve theoretically wasted, they can manage to understand. if i make $30000 a year and i hear you won and spent $10000? well, hey, i get it: cars need repairs and past-due bills need to be paid. i might not like that you’re a shamelessly-spending unwed mother of two, but i can wrap my mind around it. but if i make $30000 a year and i hear you won and spent $500000? well… i might just suspect you of being a terrible person, to say the least.

“It’s not clear that Clayton is actually doing anything wrong, mind you. She does not have a job, and as a result, does not technically have any income.”

you know, i’m going to make a call on this: she’s doing something wrong. maybe she’s not doing something ILLEGAL, but she’s definitely doing something WRONG.

“But the idea of a lottery winner on welfare does not sit well with Michigan state Rep. Dale Zorn. The Republican lawmaker has introduced legislation, now pending, that would trigger a state notification whenever a resident wins more than $1,000 in the lottery. He authored that legislation after it was discovered that another Michigan resident, Leroy Fick, continued drawing public assistance after winning a $2-million lottery jackpot in 2010.”

you know, i think the really sad part here is that this has apparently happened before AND involving a large sum of money, and thus there HAS to have been outrage over this issue… and yet not one person managed to take political advantage of that to get something passed.

“The problem, Zorn told The Times on Wednesday, is that many lottery winners opt to take their earnings in a lump sum and pay their taxes upfront. That helps them to largely fly under the radar. Under Zorn’s pending legislation, lottery officials would be required to alert the state’s Department of Human Services, which oversees public assistance, whenever a state resident wins more than $1,000. The winner’s name would then be checked against the state’s roster of financial aid recipients. Winners would be required to undergo a reassessment to see if they still deserve aid after their financial windfall, he said. “Public assistance is for those people who can no longer purchase food for their families, or pay their heating bills,” Zorn told The Times. “It’s not here to help those who win millions of dollars.”"

Dale Zorn also added, “i would, however, like to thank Miss Clayton for giving me a surefire political example regarding welfare abuse that no Democrat in their right mind can dare take issue with in public.”

“For her part, Clayton is no longer talking to the media. But her mother is. “Until the bill’s passed, apparently it’s legal, and people need to leave her alone,” Euline Clayton told the Detroit News, referring to Zorn’s bill. “I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do. But it’s nobody’s business if she’s not breaking the law.”"

again, i agree, she’s probably not breaking the law (although not knowing the specifics of Michigan’s welfare laws, i don’t know if there’s some regulation she’s violating or not), and i agree, people should leave her alone in the sense of not going to her house and committing crimes against her. but frankly, if you’re going to out yourself for being an evil thieving cunt on the news, then i think it’s only right we be allowed to point out that you’re an evil thieving cunt based on what you have ADMITTED YOU HAVE DONE here on the internet. fair enough?

behind these disgruntled eyes is the soul of a man who simply wants to be left to his alcoholism and sexual anus plugs

DUI driver with sex toy in tush rear-ends other driver

well, there’s distracted driving and then there’s DISTRACTED driving. also, i like how in a fairly graphic scenario such as this one, we’ve decided to run with the word “tush” in the title. it certainly makes the incident seem much more light and whimsical.

“A driver with a “sexual anus plug in his rectum” was jailed after investigators say he rear-ended another driver and had more than five times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood, according to a recently released arrest affidavit.”

so this raises three questions:

01. when we say “sexual anus plug” … is there really any other kind of anus plug? now, i’m not trying to be flip here. i just cannot think of a non-sexual scenario where a man (or woman, i suppose) requires a plastic plug to be jammed into his anus, although i suppose there COULD be a medically-necessary scenario. or maybe this is just the official legal term as used by the officer in question?
02. was it REALLY necessary to use the word “rear-ended” there? i mean, that HAS to be intentional;
03. what’s the more distracting part: the “five times the legal limit of alcohol” or the “sexual anus plug in his rectum?”

“[About] 11:20 a.m. Feb. 24 as Martin County Sheriff’s investigators went to a two-vehicle crash at U.S. 1 and Seabranch Boulevard in Hobe Sound. A deputy determined Kevin Brann, 41, had rear-ended another vehicle. Officials also determined Brann smelled strongly of alcohol.”

AGAIN WITH THE “REAR-ENDED”

“Brann’s speech was slurred and mumbled, his eyes bloodshot and glassy. A deputy gave Brann, who’d urinated in his pants-”

well, it’s good to see that this Kevin Brann character keeps it extra classy.

“-field sobriety exercises before arresting him on a DUI with property damage charge. Brann “soiled himself” en route to the slammer. “The defendant had a sexual anus plug in his rectum, which he removed, or it fell out in the rear of my patrol car,” an affidavit states.”

now i would think you’d handcuff someone who you’ve arrested for a tragically-intoxicated DUI, and if you did, how exactly is he REMOVING this “sexual anus plug?” on the other hand, i could totally see some drunk Floridian saying to himself, “watch me teach this officer a lesson for arresting me!” … although this still assumes he has the ability to remove the plug. unless all along we’ve been talking about some violent anal expulsion of the device, which i now REALLY regret thinking about.

“The length, girth and color of the “sexual anus plug in his rectum” was not listed in the affidavit. Also not specified was the make and model of the plug and an explanation of how it ended up in his bottom.”

…and it was at this point when i began to wonder, “why does the author of this article really need information regarding the length, girth and color of this sexual anus plug? even if you assume the size part is relevant to wondering how all this happened… the color? really? and this same disbelief extends to needing to know the make and model of the plug.

as far as the explanation, you ARE talking about a urine-covered man with a blood alcohol content of roughly 0.409-0.412, so it’s entirely possible he doesn’t even remember putting the plug in there.

it turns out that Pakistani wild boars are completely unfazed by the prospect of facing down “pitchforks” and “rocks”

hogs going wild in Islamabad

so from the jump, there’s two things i like about the tone of this piece:

01. the INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC tone of the hog uprising, as the synopsis immediately tells us “with a police officer wounded and the presidential palace breached, the Pakistani capital has launched a fresh offensive against a uniquely feared enemy.” it turns out this is simply wild boar, but oh my, all this DRAMA!
02. the way it sounds like these hogs have risen up in righteous anger at a populace that has insulted and marginalized them.

“Each night, packs of the hairy beasts emerge from Islamabad’s river beds, parks and scrubland to rifle through the overflowing rubbish bins of its mostly wealthy residents and growing number of restaurants. … The animals can weigh up to 180 to 220 pounds (80 kilograms to 100 kilograms) and have razor sharp teeth. Adult males come armed with upward curving tusks. While they scurry off at the site of humans, they charge when cornered, alarmed or wounded and are a major cause of traffic accidents in the city.”

so while i grant you that any animal with the ability to injure you CAN be dangerous when cornered, i find it more difficult to freak out about any animal that can be described as “scurrying off at the sight of humans.” not even running off at the sight of humans, SCURRYING off. this is the way you describe mice and other 100% non-threatening animals!

“The latest chapter of man versus hog played out in a city center police station last week. “Someone shouted ‘watch your back’ but before I could look round the animal had hit me,” said Sajjad Hussain, who was on duty when the animal slipped in past the high, razor wire-topped blast walls after guards opened the gates to let in a car. Hussain had a gash in his stomach that required eight stitches and is on medical leave.”

so i suppose it’s less than reassuring that the razor-wire-topped blast walls of a Pakistani police station can be defeated by one sneaky pig … a fact made even more depressing when you consider that this particular hog was clever enough to get subsequently trapped in a large pit and shot by police there. hopefully, though, the police responded to this in a measured, reasonable fashion?

“The pig was like a terrorist. We shot him down,” said station chief Fayaz Tanooli. “I have told the guards if another pig gets in then they will be dismissed.”

…ah, well, so much for that. although, in fairness, aren’t “rogue pigs” and “terrorists bend on destabilizing the nation and equipped with heavy arms” roughly the same thing?

“The hogs have also encroached upon the lavish, not to mention tightly guarded, houses of the president and prime minister. A team has been dispatched to lay poison mixed with molasses or maize, said Malik Aulya Khan, the city’s environmental chief. “We are making special efforts. We have killed many with poison,” he said. “Somehow they enter under the fences.”"

SOMEHOW? either the fences don’t go all the way to the ground, or the hogs burrow in. we’re not talking about rocket science here; these are random wild boar!

“Wild boars are found all over Pakistan, and are one of its major agricultural pests, gobbling their way though millions of dollars of wheat and sugarcane crops. In Punjab province in the 1980s, the government initiated a bounty system whereby villagers were paid for each tail they delivered, but it was discontinued for lack of funds.”

something tells me that the funding from the fences and molasses could PERHAPS be routed to a fund to pay these villagers, especially considering that the fences and molasses are apparently not even working… but then maybe i’m simply more versed in the ways of “crafty animals” than the entire police and political establishments of Pakistan.

“The animal’s abundance has made the country a prime spot for boar hunting, said Qaiser Khan, who leads hunting parties to Pakistan, including teams of foreigners who like to shoot hogs. He said that teams must sign a contract stipulating they will not cook the meat or ask staff to so. He said hunting in Islamabad was unlikely to get many takers because it was not “worth the hassle” of coordinating with police and city authorities. Moreover, shooting hogs with a shotgun was dangerous because the hunter had to be up close, and the weapon risked wounding, but not killing, the animal, he said.”

see, again we find the Pakistanis making this incredibly ridiculous for themselves. they KNOW they have a wild boar problem… but the police and city authorities can’t make it easy to coordinate with foreign hunters who want to shoot said wild boars? even if foreign hunters could theoretically be brought in in small, controlled groups for the express purpose of shooting boars? FRUSTRATION RISING. eh, well, keep leaving out random molasses, as i am sure THAT will convince boars to stay out of the city.

…and that will do it for us. stay tuned for next time when we’ll probably have a 100% decrease in stories about wild boars!