looks like our hero (still janklow) is going to be out of commission again due to his decision to travel out of state for a variety of reasons, mainly familial. i admit this means, as i have not actually wrapped up a post between THIS placeholder and the last one, that the site looks like a bit of a ghost town right about how. well… it happens.

okay, so, it’s not a HOLIDAY, but this upcoming weekend is going to see my fragile body get killed by three-or-so days of working the Celtic Society of Southern Maryland‘s annual festival (warning, that link is INCREDIBLY slow). so you know what this means: an excuse to not have an update for the week. please, please, try and control yourselves; it’s not THAT bleak of a fate.

and to be honest, i am kind of enjoying this schedule of just saying “fuck it” to trying to update EVERY week: i am enjoying the relaxed demands, and i struggle to think of anyone who actually minds. thanks, loyal readers!

as you may have noticed, we’re taking a much more relaxed attitude towards posting whenever it’s around the time of some holiday, and so i must point out that it’s Easter weekend or something like that. so it goes. see you next week.

after last week’s Irishman-provided tale and this week’s close-out, it might seem like i have abdicated a lot of the work for this “website” to my Irish colleague, but unfortunately, that is not the case … and thus we have another week of the same old, same old bullshit from your hero. here we go!

who would have thought this loving portrait would conceal a future of testicle twisting and attempted female-on-male rape

Heather Hayes arrested after allegedly attacking boyfriend Eric Zuber for choosing Xbox over sex

“Heather Hayes is missing two big things in her life: Sex and pants. But she has something no one else can take from her: An arrest record.”

very witty! or not. but still, look, i understand the basic concept for men is that sex overrules Xbox, or, to extend it, overrules everything else beyond Xbox, but i am not convinced this is actually true. even leaving aside the fact that i am a prude and everything, what if the comparison isn’t just straight-up “sex versus Xbox,” but rather, really BAD sex with a really GROSS woman versus an awesome session of gaming on an Xbox? i think we see why one could choose the way this “Eric Zuber” did, especially considering, well, the rest of this article.

slight tangent: i always, ALWAYS find the way “Xbox” is written to be annoying, as well as the fact that my computer actually acknowledges that “Xbox” is a correctly-spelled word. i’m not saying i have a better way to spell it (well, okay, maybe “X-Box”), i’m just saying that it secretly drives me nuts.

“Police in Lansford, Pa., arrested Hayes at a convenience store on Feb. 26 for allegedly attacking her boyfriend, Eric Zuber, who had spent the previous two days playing Xbox with his friends rather than having sex with her, according to msnNOW.”

however, i am now confused as to who to root for in this sordid mess, because his decision was to spend TWO DAYS playing Xbox with his friends? i am going to need to know what kind of work schedule this gentleman has before i am willing to continue to give him a pass. then again, i’m not saying i have never taken leave to nerd it up with a video game, so…

“Zuber confirmed to investigators that he turned down her request. At that point, he claimed she started slapping and punching him on his head and back, and also bit him on his left forearm. Then she grabbed his testicles and twisted, according to Inquistr.com.”

let me tell you something: if the lady in question is punching you, biting you AND trying to twist off your testicles? yeah, it might be fair to replace “request” with “raging, crazy demand from a sex-crazy woman.” i don’t think it’s an indication that you SHOULD have had sex with her, just that i would not call it a request.

“Zuber managed to escape and run to a convenience store to call 911. Hayes followed, but in the heat of the moment, forgot her pants. When asked how that detail got skipped, Hayes told the arresting officer that she had been anticipating sex and didn’t want to waste valuable time going upstairs to get pants before following Zuber to the convenience store, according to TNOnline.com”

well, frankly, that seems kind of bogus. he’s been putting you off for days, but you were expecting sex RIGHT THEN? also, let me say this: time spend getting pants that would cover your shame should you choose to rush out of the house in an effort to physically force your boyfriend to have sex with you is NEVER a waste of valuable time.

“Hayes was charged with indecent exposure, simple assault, open lewdness, and harassment.”

a solid list. but you know, in light of what we’ve just heard, where Hayes was physically attacking her boyfriend and trying to coerce him into sex… shouldn’t she have been charged with attempted rape?

“She’s not the only woman who’s gotten bothered when a man wouldn’t notice she was hot and bothered. Last month, a woman in Warwick, Australia, was arrested for attacking her boyfriend for masturbating. In April 2012, there were two major cases of horny women scorned: South Florida’s Stacey Ortiz was arrested after allegedly attacking her boyfriend who refused her sexual advances. That same month, a man in Munich told police he fled from an apartment after a woman demanded too much intercourse with him.”

so, essentially, we close the article out with a declaration of “bitches be crazy” since, you know, there’s no information on those stories unless you follow all the links and, well, who wants to do that? although the one about the Australian woman attacking her boyfriend “for masturbating” seems like it might have been justified. it seems a little rude, to be honest.

now, speaking of shameful, shameful people…

not pictured: JaMarcus “Bad At Football” Russell

former NFL quarterback Jeff Garcia is tutoring Mark Sanchez, JaMarcus Russell

this is one of those stories where i’m not sure if everyone will find it as outrageous as myself and the Irishman, but then again, we have respectively suffered through the sadness of the experiments to start Russell and Sanchez at quarterback in the NFL. i think it’s fair to say that, in both of those cases, mistakes have been made.

“As New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez gets set to play in the West Coast offense under new offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg, the 2009 first-round pick out of USC is being tutored by former NFL quarterback Jeff Garcia, reports Jim Corbett of the USA Today.”

now –and i am not saying this simply because it’s my understanding that my precious Raiders were once spurned by Jeff Garcia– while it is good to see that Sanchez is concerned about improving his game, is Jeff Garcia really the man to direct this improvement? granted, sometimes a guy who hasn’t played at the highest level can coach someone up to the highest level, but still, we’re talking about Jeff Garcia. i am a little reticent to assume this is the best of all possible matches. let me note that the next paragraph then goes on to talk about Garcia’s career at length while mysteriously lacking any mention of notable success he’s had. SO IT GOES.

“Sanchez will be working with a third offensive coordinator in as many seasons (Brian Schottenheimer from 2009-11, Tony Sparano in 2012). With the new collective bargaining agreement scaling back the amount of time players and coaches and can work in the offseason, working with Garcia now can help prepare Sanchez for the OTAs and mini-camps as he enters his fifth, and perhaps most critical, season in the NFL.”

which is weird, because while i guess it’s cool that Sanchez is CHOOSING to do this work in the offseason, as opposed to being FORCED to work out at the whims of your team, i still cannot help but wonder if minimizing mandatory offseason workouts wasn’t, you know, based around health-related reasons. anyway, it all sounds good, but this is still yet another coordinator-type person, even if he’s trying to prep Sanchez, right?

“Garcia was in the NFL as recently as 2011, but is now a partner of Test Football Academy and is the “offensive coordinator” at their San Diego location. (Former NFL quarterback Chad Pennington is the “offensive coordinator” in their Florida location.)”

seriously, though, Jet fans, how much more awesome would it be if Chad Pennington was the one instructing Sanchez? because i think we can all agree that he, at least, played as hard as he could for the Jets, despite his incredibly fragile body.

“Another one of the pupils working with Garcia is 2007 first overall pick JaMarcus Russell, whose struggles on and off the field saw him washed out of the league by 2010. Russell, who turns 28 in August, is attempting an NFL comeback this offseason.”

ah, JaMarcus Russell: a top-10 colossal failure whose jersey i own for some reason. i guess it was a good deal? because it’s not like the man ever did something awesome that made me say, “hey, i ought to commemorate the success of the Oakland Raiders thanks to JaMarcus Russell that i just witnessed with the purchase of a jersey that celebrates the man’s work!” i DID see him eat Skittles, though, so it’s likely that is what i would have bought if i was trying to commemorate the man’s work.

“”The plan right now is to continue to prepare him for another month and put together a pro day where teams can come and see JaMarcus,” Garcia said. “Granted his back is against the wall. This is a situation where if he doesn’t do it now, it may never happen. But if you look at where he was two months ago to where he is today, he’s come a long way in demanding more out of himself than he ever did.”"

sadly, this is all 100% accurate: i’m not even mocking JaMarcus, just stating a fact.

to be up front about it, 50% of this week’s “making fun of the news” update comes from the iPhone of the Irishman, and for this assistance, i am most grateful, if for no other reason than “saves me the trouble of trying to make this weekly thing happen many weeks after the fact.” now, if i could only get him to provide 100% of the material… and to do all the work… anyway, anyway, there’s an update or something going on, maybe we should get on with it?

found this searching for “why do my knees hurt”; seems like someone who can understand this query

Why Do My Knees Hurt?

“”Bend the knee,” a triumphant Queen Cersei tells Eddard Stark after outfoxing the nettlesome Northerner in “Game of Thrones.” When the noble Lord Stark declines, at great risk to his health, it is usually chalked up to an excess of probity. But what if he doesn’t bend the knee because he can’t bend the knee? The guy is no spring chicken. Maybe, faced with the choice of forcing his achy knee to bend one more time or losing his head swiftly and cleanly, he figures, “Enough already.”"

first off, what them hell kind of opening is this? granted, i should perhaps cut people a little slack for thrashing their way awkwardly through the process of opening their articles, because lord knows i struggle with them, but generally i don’t just start talking about the television program i recently watched and then pretend it relates to the topic somehow. second… this is not a recently development on Game of Thrones. so could we at LEAST focus on where the show is currently if we’re going to talk about it for no reason?

“Some of us baby boomers would understand. As people age, it is often the knee that puts them on notice that their body is not always going to cooperate with whatever they have in mind. It may be stiffness. It may be weakness. It may be pain. But whether you’re just getting out of bed or walking onto the court, you know something has changed.”

BREAKING NEWS: when you get older, your body gets weaker with age! i am so glad the New York Times could step up to the plate and deliver me these shocking truths. so basically, we’re going to get another Richard Cohen “why don’t the young girls want to sex up my ancient body” article, aren’t we?

“To a generation used to coming into the office on Mondays and swapping war stories about youthful-sounding injuries like shin splints and rotator cuff tears, the diagnosis may be unwelcome: arthritis. Osteoarthritis, to be exact, which is the most common form of arthritis in the knee. The condition occurs as the cartilage that coats the bones at the joints and eases their passage, known as articular cartilage, wears away with use. Part of the problem is that with age, the chemistry of the cartilage changes so that it retains less water, making it more susceptible to stress, doctors say. Being overweight can make it worse.”

i mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s very damaging to your self-image to suddenly suffer from the injuries that afflicted your parents while you were still young and vital… but that is the way it works! and further, i ultimately suspect that if we did not have so much wrapped up in our self-image, we wouldn’t feel so badly about things like “getting old.” once again, baby boomers, this is all your fault for the heavy drumbeat of “self-esteem is the most important thing” that you’ve been foisting on my generation for years now.

“It is not terribly surprising that when orthopedists open their doors, they see more and more baby boomers in their waiting rooms. After all, there are so many of them. But there is evidence that boomers may be seeking knee treatment in disproportionate numbers.”

i mean, okay, on some level it is because there are so many of them, but it is ALSO because they’re starting to reach old age in larger and larger numbers. i mean, are we going to run with a series of reasons that are basically claiming, “well, we’re not OLD, we just have other problems?”

“Some have suggested that this may be because members of the first generation to grow up exercising have put a lot of wear and tear on their bodies. But that is not clear.”

because, you know, the generation that came up through the Great Depression and/or WORLD WAR II didn’t have any reason to have a lot of wear and tear on their bodies. or the generations that lived further and further in the past when life was, theoretically, not as relaxed and cushy as it has been for the baby boomers. at this point, i would like to suggest that when the author uses the phrase “not clear,” they mean “completely bullshit.”

“If trends continue, many boomers will, in fact, have the surgery. But some doctors caution that it does not help everyone. And since the replacement knees have a limited lifespan, it is not clear how someone who has the surgery in his mid-40s will do later in life.”

frankly, i think when we start talking about “mid-40s,” we’re overlooking the fact that the vast majority of baby boomers are well beyond that age. but again, here’s the thing: don’t you expect your knees to be a little more sore in your mid-40s than they were when you were young? because in your mid-40s, you’re not young anymore. seems to me like demanding replacement knees RIGHT NOW because you’ve suffered a drop in performance is a bit much.

“So doctors encourage patients with knee problems to try other approaches first. The orthopedics academy offers a number of recommendations. These include weight loss, exercises to increase range of motion and flexibility and devices that offer support to the knee. Dietary supplements like glucosamine and chondroitin may relieve pain for some, it says, though there is no proof that the supplements actually slow degeneration.”

look, let me tell you something: if you’re older and you’re bitching about your knees and you haven’t yet considered WEIGHT LOSS, i don’t know what else to say, other than “anyone who demands replacement knees without considering the loss of some extra pounds probably needs less knee surgery and more euthanasia.” i admit this is not the most charitable response, but still, it is what it is.

“Doctors also advise patients to switch to exercises easier on the knee, like swimming and running on treadmills instead of on pavement. But they, too, can take a toll. So Dr. Azar often has to use a word that boomers don’t like to hear: moderation.”

or just go smoke some marijuana, boomers, and let the pain from your knees drift away. ugh. look, i am sorry that you’re all old; i myself am only getting older and more decrepit, so i understand how FRUSTRATING that is. but it is what it is. come to terms with it. it should not be a mystery why your knees hurt more when you get older.

found this searching for “why do my knees hurt”; seems like someone who can understand this query

Florida woman arrested after genital kicking spree

wait, this is once again a crazy story from Florida? THANK YOU, DEITY OR DEITIES, FOR FLORIDA, THE COMEDY GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.

“When the Manatee County Sheriff’s office got the call that a woman was standing on a street in broad daylight kicking strangers in the genitals, reports the Miami Herald, they sent an undoubtedly unlucky deputy to investigate.”

first off, whatever the reason she’s kicking these people in the genitals, it’s MUCH better when it’s not explained at all. it’s an unexplained crotch-destroying mystery! also, this declaration of how “undoubtedly unlucky” this deputy supposedly is –because i have to assume a deputy in Florida doesn’t have just one difficult call to respond to in his whole career– makes me believe that his genitals were punted into the stratosphere. i am sure that i will only be disappointed when the truth comes out…

“When the deputy found a woman who matched the description of wearing red pants and braids, he called for her to come towards him. Instead the woman, now identified as Katina Jane Collins, ran for it. As the deputy gave chase, Collins allegedly stopped in her tracks and punched the officer in the face, knocking his sunglasses off. The deputy was able to get Collins on the ground and in handcuffs, despite her alleged attempts to scratch the deputy while he handcuffed her, the report said.”

that’s a pretty solid move: bait the deputy into a chase and then use his momentum to punch him in the face? well-played. that said, all that happened to him was a face-punching and some attempted scratching? this is already disappointing, Florida!

“What led Collins to be standing in the “street kicking people in genitals and running around kicking a man,” according to an arrest affidavit from the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office, is unclear. Collins, a 38-year-old resident of Sarasota, Florida, was fresh off of another charge for battery of a police officer. It’s unclear if the incidents are related.”

it’s unclear? well, where are the detectives in Florida and what are they doing to investigate this? what’s taking precedence, boring old murders? because i know that Dexter stuff is not real and is thus unlikely to be eating up their time. that said, despite the damage it would mean to people’s genitals, i really, really hope her other incident of battering a police officer was caused by the exact same events.

also, i have to say, this woman appears to have a few more miles on her than 38. life in the madhouse of Florida must be rough.

“According to the Florida Sun-Sentinel, Collins has been charged with battery of an officer and is being held at the Manatee County jail on a $1,500 bond. There is no word on the number of individuals who fell victim to genital kicking spree before police intervened.”

again with things being unclear! you’d think, though, that with a deputy responding to this crime, there would be at least one or two people who would have been around to note, “yeah, she kicked ME in the genitals, and at least a couple of other guys as well!” then again, it’s Florida, so maybe this kind of thing happens all the time and it’s no big deal?

okay, i think that’ll do it. until next time (or whenever the Irishman gives us new material).

once again, we return to the well of “news articles regarding people making very poor life decisions for whatever reason(s)”; only time will tell if this gambit will be as successful as it always is. alone, since “as it always is” is sort of more about filling space than accomplishing some great feat(s) of comedy, i think we’ll be okay.

unfortunately, there were not a lot of great photos out there of this horse rapist; no one is entirely sure as to why that is

A Suspect Should Never Waive His Rights And Tell The Cops, “I Was Trying To Make The Horse Have A Baby.”

part of the problem with this title is that it gives away the absolute best part of this tale, but on the other hand, given the events in question, i suppose there isn’t much you can do to dance around them.

“When it comes to post-arrest statements, the admissions made by a Texas man busted for having sex with a horse are a good reminder why suspects should take advantage of their right to remain silent.”

a fair point… but if we’re going to ask suspects to make good life decisions, we should really probably start by reminding them to not fuck other people’s horses. if you can accomplish that, there might be no need for them to remember to remain silent. i mean, as long as we’re talking about wishes that are unlikely to come true and all.

“In a statement given to a sergeant with the Wharton County Sheriff’s Office, Andrew Mendoza, 29, waived his assorted rights and told of a late night encounter with a brown horse. Mendoza, who had been waiting to hear from his girlfriend, noted that, “I told myself that if she didn’t call me I was going to go next door and mess with the neighbor’s horse.”

now, in fairness to Mendoza’s girlfriend, you have to assume there’s no way she’d expect that to have been a factual statement, right? i mean, if your boyfriend tells you that if you don’t call him, he’ll go fuck a horse, it’s just outrageous talk meant to provoke a reaction, right? right? then again, if you’re dating the kind of guy who DOES follow through on horse-fucking threats, you yourself cannot be much of a winner, i guess.

“Which is what occurred, Mendoza, seen at right, told Sergeant Raymond Jansky. “I was trying to make the horse have a baby,” Mendoza explained. “I was thinking it would have a horseman baby.” He added, “I ain’t going to lie, I blew a nut in the horse. I then got off the bucket and put my clothes back on and left. I promise that I have not been back over to the horse since that time.”"

frankly… i wish he would have lied. but really, i’m not sure if the biggest problem is his desire to fuck horses (possibly for revenge, possibly to make a horseman baby), his inability to understand how reproduction works (both in terms of gestation periods AND the inability to reproduce with a horse, to say nothing of confirming it was actually a female horse), or whatever drug problem he has that made any aspect of this horse fucking seem like a good idea at the time. actually, that’s not true. i know full well that his desire to fuck horse is the biggest problem.

“The horse lover, whose rap sheet included a wide variety of felony and misdemeanor collars, later pleaded guilty to public lewdness and criminal trespass and was sentenced to four months in jail.”

…which seems like a very light sentence for sexual assault, but then i remember that horses are terrible, and no one should feel badly about things that happen to them.

“Mendoza’s criminal career subsequently ended when he hanged himself in a county jail, where he was being held on indecency with a child and trespassing charges.”

and well, that’s one hell of a way to end this tale. considering the late addition of “indecency with a child” to the mix, i cannot say that i actually feel that bad for the man. it is what it is. but, let’s not get too down about it: it’s still funny that he got arrested for fucking a horse. that will always be kind of funny.

and now, let me go WAY back in time for this one…

i mean, i GUESS it looks like a lion? from a distance? if you close your eyes and imagine a lion?

panicked onlookers dial 911 after mistaking dog for ‘baby lion’

…because i really, really wanted to use this article to highlight just how incredibly disappointing i find all Americans to be at the time i read it, but then i totally forgot about it for months. but we won’t let that stop us!

“A coiffed pooch mistaken for a lion’s cub is causing quite an uproar in Virginia. Charles the dog was frolicking down the streets in Norfolk, minding his own business, when panicked passers-by started calling 911.”

i mean, okay, i guess if you really think you’re seeing a lion cub on the loose, you call the police. i’m not sure who else there is to call to get someone to address the situation. but do you not put any critical thinking into the situation to deduce if it actually IS a lion cub? or just go right into freaking out mode? because it seems like we’re about to fully embrace the latter:

“With a dyed tail and a fluffy coat groomed to resemble a lion’s mane, the pup’s appearance was a little unusual. “I’d like to report a lion sighting,” a man said in the 911 call. “Say that again?” a dispatcher responded.”

have these people never seen a dog OR a lion before? because they don’t look that similar. that said, even if you can make that mistake legitimately, do you look around to see what’s going on? shouldn’t people be freaking out or reacting in SOME notable fashion if there’s a lion cub on the loose? or, conversely, if it’s a dog, would you note expect to notice an owner? then again, maybe everyone else IS freaking out:

“A few minutes later, another call came in. “I just saw an animal that looked like a small lion,” a man said. “Had the mane and everything … I don’t know if it got away from the zoo, or what.” And the flurry continued, including a resident who told the dispatcher that the “baby lion” is the size of a Labrador retriever.”

of course, the fact that this animal was the size (and shape) of a dog did not give anyone a hint. but at least we have to be fair and acknowledge that freaking out about this supposed “lion cub” wasn’t limited to one person.

“As soon as the calls trickled in, the Norfolk Police Department contacted the local zoo to ensure its two lions were caged and accounted for. “We all looked at each other like, ‘Could it be?’” Greg Bockheim, the Virginia Zoo executive director, told CNN affiliate WAVY. Zoo workers scuttled to the lions’ cages, he said, but the big cats were fast asleep.”

and frankly, i cannot imagine how the zoo took this: you have no evidence that a lion cub has escaped, but the police are calling you to report one anyone? if it’s me, i think i’m hanging up the phone on the caller right away. “oh, yeah, sure, officer, a lion cub might have escaped from my zoo? FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! (hangs up phone dramatically) not again!” but then, this might be a part of why i don’t work for a zoo.

“Police moved on to more pressing matters when they realized this wasn’t a runaway baby Simba from “The Lion King.” Nor was it on the lam from the zoo. It was a Labrador-poodle mix — full name Charles the Monarch — strolling down the streets after a recent visit to the groomers. His owner, Daniel Painter, told the affiliate that the dog’s shave represents the lion mascot at the Old Dominion University.”

ah, so it’s just someone we should arrest for animal abuse. case closed! that said, i WILL give the guy credit for this: instead of being the kind of crazy person who goes out and buys a lion (which never ends well), he just got his pet’s hair clipped to replicate it. so that’s progress, i suppose. although we still have the same problem of people in Virginia (which i thought was a fairly masculine state) losing their minds. eh, what can you do?