worst.football fan.ever

some of you (1) might remember an ancient update that i wrote on a limestone tablet, subsequently lost when Atlantis sank (09/11/2001 BC NEVER FORGET), in which i talked about “the riot kid” at FedEx Field. in any event, i was recently at a more recent Redskins game and i was in the men’s room which is, incidentally, where i met the “riot kid” and i realized that i was experiencing the NEW “worst fan ever” at these games. so then i did nothing for several months and then, thinking about the internet (but who ISN’T always thinking about the internet, right? the answer is “fuckin’ communists”), i decided to write a post or update or whatever you call it on my “worst fans ever.”

DISCLAIMER: i’m not talking about CRIMINAL fans. while they are the actual factual “worst fans,” they’re also not funny because they commit crimes. and no criminals are funny (2).

the top 3, in reverse order:

03. THE “RIOT KID”

i’m just going to quote this update from August, 2002 (when i was unemployed and the world held such promise):

so i was at the Redskins game on Thursday, watching the Patriots walk all over them, and i’m in the bathroom in the third quarter because nature often calls our friend janklow when he’s seated in the middle of a lot of people. so while i’m waiting for the stall, this fat white kid walks up to me.

now, let me pause a moment and point out that if you’ve seen the Sobe ad with the kid from the Sandlot, this kid looks JUST like him, except with brown hair and no freckles. he even had the super-cool visor all worn to the side and tilted like the uber-thug gangsta he is. anyway, so, this kid starts talking to me.

HOMESKILLET: “yo, like, we got to come back and win this thing, yo!”
JANKLOW: “yeah, i think we can, we’ve had really strong second halves in the past, we can do it again.”
HOMESKILLET: “yo, if we lose, i’m starting a riot up in this junk!”
JANKLOW: “uh, yeah.”
HOMESKILLET: “yo, are you ready for a riot?”
JANKLOW: “well, uh…”
HOMESKILLET: “yo, i think we can come back and win this!”
JANKLOW: “yeah, i mean, the last couple weeks, we’ve had good play in the second half, and the score’s not so bad that we can’t make it up.”
HOMESKILLET: “yo, but if we don’t, i’m starting a riot!”
JANKLOW: “hmmm.”
HOMESKILLET: “we’ve got the homefield! we’ve got to represent, yo! with a riot!”
JANKLOW: “…………..hey, the stall’s open.”

let me make two notes here:

01. while i often paraphrase, “yo, if we lose, i’m starting a riot up in this junk!” is absolutely a direct quote. i can’t make this shit up, people!
02. there was no riot.

02. “COCKSUCKERS!”

i was at a Ravens/Redskins game at FedEx this one time. now, to preface this, one must understand that there is a fucking excessive amount of hostility between Ravens fans and Redskins fans… and it makes no sense. they’re both local, they’re NOT in the same conference, and one could easily root for the other as their #2 team, only having to pick a side on the rare occasion they play each other that year and, i suppose, when they play in the Super Bowl (3). i have a theory that states the bitterness is due to this: many Ravens fans stopped being Redskins fans to be Ravens fans, and the Redskins fans believe ALL the Ravens fans betrayed the Redskins (true or not). thus, the Redskins fans are bitter because the Ravens fans are “traitors” and the Ravens fans are bitter because the team they betrayed the Redskins for isn’t good enough.

anyway, so, when you go to the game, all the fans act stupid. now, the asshole Redskins fans typically just yelled stupid shit like “JAILBIRDS JAILBIRDS JAMAL, YOU CAN’T RUN ‘CAUSE YOU AIN’T GOT NO COKE, Y’ALL IS JAILBIRDS” until the second half, when Lewis started ripped off big chunks of yardage and they shut up. but the winner was a group of Ravens fan in jerseys and purple-black-and-white urban camo (they love that shit) who stood over the little “Tailgate Club” area and yelled “REDSKINS FANS IS A BUNCH OF COCKSUCKERS.”

classy!

01. “THE FUCK YOU IN THE ASS GUY”

so, the week after i went and watched the Raiders came out here and won (4), i returned to FedEx Field to watch the Redskins lose to the Chargers. which is bad enough, but even better, i have now met the worst fan ever: the “fuck you in the ass guy” at FedEx Field.

it starts with me returning to the men’s room, the original scene of the crime, though, to be fair, this is not the same men’s room in which i was informed of the impending riot. in this men’s room are a small group waiting for the stalls (including me) and huge lines at the urinals. most attendees are, of course, Redskins fans, but there are four or five Chargers fans.

now, i will describe the gentleman in question: picture the whitest Mexican guy you can imagine – not just a regular Mexican of the “white Mexican, not Indian Mexican” stripe, but a WHITE man who has a slight Hispanic twist to his features and who sounds like these two Mexican kids i grew up with – and then put him in a huge white Tomlinson jersey and huge, terrible emo glasses.

so we’re in the bathroom (5) and there’s banter going on, and the guy in front of me remarks to a Chargers fan, with a big smile on his face, that the Redskins are going to win. at this point, the Redskins ARE winning (they would, of course, later lose in overtime). and “FYITA man” hears this and chimes in.

so, for the record, here’s the deal: when visiting fans go to a stadium, they can either a) banter good-naturedly and take as much shit as they give until the end of the game; or b) act like assholes. his selection?

FYITA man: “hey, man, fuck you, we’re going to walk all over your Redskins!”
Redskins fan: “i don’t know, it’s not looking so great for the Chargers…” (accurate, because at the time, Brees was rattled as fuck)
FYITA man: “hey, why don’t you shut the fuck up and go in the stall and sit to piss, motherfucker, because the Chargers are going to fuck you in the ass!”
Redskins fan: (to the Redskins fan next to him) “i hate it when guys come here and try to be assholes.”
FYITA man: “get in the stall and shit semen, man, that’s what you guys will do because we’re going to fuck you in the ass, man, fuck you in the ass, the Chargers are fucking you in the ass today, there’s going to be ass fucking tonight when the Chargers are fucking you up in your ass, LT’s going to fuck your ass, man, he’s going to run in your ass and fuck your ass and there’s going to be fucking in your ass, man, fucking fucking in your ass when the Chargers are fucking your ass!”

seriously, this guy ranted about the Chargers “fucking you in the ass” so much and so long that it was creepy. it wasn’t foul, it wasn’t “gay,” it wasn’t excessive – it was just WRONG. because it wasn’t about the team proverbially fucking the other team in a metaphorical ass, it was … it was like a militantly homosexual filibuster trying to will a victory over the Redskins by summoning the spirits of the San Diego Superchargers to LITERALLY run a 52-man train and have anal sex with this one specific Redskins fan. i mean, if Quentin Jammer was to have run into that men’s room, slammed this Redskins fan into a urinal, pulled out his penis and FUCKED the guy, that Chargers fan would have been yelling “this is what i love, man, the Chargers fucking people in the ass, man, semen!”

AND I THINK IT SUCCEEDED.

i also think this is the single most vulgar post i have ever made on the internet.

honorable hilarious mention: “big fan Cowboys guy” at FedEx Field

this guy isn’t a bad fan – he’s a great one – but i wanted to mention him because he cracks me up. see, some fans have season tickets to teams they don’t like because they’re local teams and they just want to watch football. and SOME hate the team, like this guy. he’s a huge black guy who shows up in a huge black Emmitt Smith Cowboys jersey who stands up when the game starts, throws his arms up in the air and bellows “GOOOOOOOOO” and then the name of whatever team is playing the Redskins. it doesn’t matter what team, he cheers them. AND HE DOES THIS THE ENTIRE GAME. he doesn’t curse guys out, he doesn’t even talk shit, he just yells this “GOOOOOOOOO NON-REDSKINS” call.

i love that guy.

notes:

(1) no one but me. seriously, i guarantee the only person that recalls what i’m talking about is me. that’s why i quoted the old post. there it is.

(2) except for the Hamburglar.

(3) which will never happen. in fact, to use my favorite football turn of phrase: “it’s more likely that the Rapture will come and Jesus will descend from the heavens on a white horse, sign with the Raiders – because Jesus is, of course, a Raiders fan – and throw touchdown after touchdown to Randy Moss. amen.”

(4) i don’t want to get into a whole lame-ass melodramatic thing here, but this has been a shitty year for the Raiders, but they managed to do one thing for me: come out here and win a game i could actually go SEE them play.

(5) i don’t know why these things always happen in the bathroom. i’m not sure i WANT to know why.