NC-17-rated anthropology: they’re artificial, not fake or synthetic (who knew)

DISCLAIMER: this is not a TSA story, this is a pervert discussion.

a little-known fact (insert tired “little-known because no one reads what i put on the internet” joke here) is that in the process of rummaging through your personal property and skid-marked underwear and rotting meat in order to keep you, yes, YOU safe from international terrorism (like Al-Qaeda and COBRA and so on) is that i have come across, on many occasions, sex toys and other dirty materials. these range from what i consider “normal” (dildos and vibrators not containing bombs, standard porno) to “less normal but expected” (double-ended dildos, those anal bead things, 300-pound-ladies porno) to “just fucking crazy” (dildos larger than my arm, those “puffer” things, anything marked “sex grease,” Eastern European punching-in-the-face porno). actually, fuck it, there’s no normal, i’m a huge prude and all the above is too much for me.

ANYWAY, there are two things i haven’t seen in a bag, and that’s where this question comes in: blow-up dolls and artificial vaginas. now, the first seem to be to be either a gag gift or the kind of thing a guy who made $10 million during the internet boom pays five figures to fuck a REALLY nice version of (i think they’re called Real Dolls or something like that). the latter, however, is what confuses me: i’ve never seen one in a bag*, yet these things are supposedly a marketable product – they started making them years ago, they’re STILL making them, they apparently make all kinds of them, and yet i don’t know anyone that would admit to owning them, and i’ve never seen one. however, since i’ve seen every last goddamn embarassing thing, you’d have though i’d have busted one by now.

these bunnies are there for your protection, but if you click on them, they should give you a horrifying idea of what i’m talking about here.

i attempted to do a little internet research on this matter, but it turns out that “fake vaginas” and “synthetic vaginas” aren’t the preferred terms; that would be “artificial vaginas” or “pocket pussies.” actually, the former makes me think of some kind of medical replacement for real vaginas destroyed by, say, boating accidents, and we’re clearly not talking about that. after some very misguided web search results – i know too much about bull semen collection now, and, no thank you, i want nothing to do with “BUILD OWN ARTIFICIAL VAGINA” – i have given up on proving how many of these are getting sold. still, if they’re still making them in large amounts (note that i just assume these are large amounts), wouldn’t that mean all of us should know SOME guy that owns one of these?

i followed this up with some field research, and here’s what i learned (without even being punched in the face one time!):
-100% of men don’t want to talk about artificial vaginas, and they don’t own any artificial vaginas, and if they DID own them, they wouldn’t admit to it (shocking);
-100% of women think men are totally gross (and i concur).

none of this is making any sense of the matter for me, though, beyond that i agree that these things are gross: either every guy has them, or none of them do, or some guys do and some guys don’t. there’s really no more information to get without breaking & entering, so i guess i’m just going to have to remain confused here. i would add “if anyone’s got any sales information or tales of people that own these things for a fact, let me know” here, but after this i think i’m done talking about artificial vaginas for the rest of my natural life (and if i come back as a zombie, well, i think i’ll still be good).

final note: so, what’s the deal with modeling these after “some famous pornographic actresses’ vaginae,” anyway? it’s not like you’re going to some prostitute ranch in Vegas and having sex with a woman who occasionally appears in porno films, you’re doing a lump of plastic that CLAIMS to be modeled after their vaginae. and it can’t be like sex with them (or any real person), and i don’t know how you’d compare the real versus the fake vaginae (unless you’re a major fan). is there really a sad guy out there fucking one of these things and pretending this is “just as good” as fucking Jenna Jameson or something? this just seems pathetic, as in, moreso than “normal artificial vagina fucking.”

*to be technically fair, i saw one in a bag one time, but the person (i didn’t check the name) was clearly a representative for a company that SOLD such things and thus i’m not counting this example. everything else i’ve noted as having found appeared to be … used in some capacity.

13 fond memories of the third best HBO show ever

as many of you cable television lovers know, a show called the Sopranos is scheduled to finally wrap up this season after 6 or 7 seasons (David Chase likes to make it difficult to count them by claiming season 6 is a two-parter) and about 25 years of total delays (i think the first part of season 6 was originally broadcast in 1974). in response to this, many websites and bloggers and the like have taken it upon themselves to create “best episode” or “best moments” lists, but to be honest with you, i think these are generally bogus, in that they give too much credit to stuff no one cares about, like the big fight ending of “Whitecaps” (episode 52). so what better way to be original that give you my OWN top 13 list of episodes? also, “Whitecaps” will not be appearing here. hell, i’m not sure any of anyone’s top 10 list will.

13. “Boca” (episode 9; writer: Jason Cahill and Robin Green & Mitchell Burgess; director: Andy Wolk)
so i’m willing to overlook the massive oral sex-themed subplot (which is mainly funny for the pie-in-the-face payoff at the end) because all the stuff about these guys threatening a soccer coach for leaving their daughter’s school is hilarious. not so much the dog stuff (no threatening dogs!) as the part where Silvio leaves a giant TV in the coach’s driveway while he feebly demands they remove it, though.

12. “the Happy Wanderer” (episode 19; writer: Frank Renzulli; director: John Patterson)
Matthew and Sean are generally a fun watch as these lame wannabe-gangsters (which i partially attribute to them not being the best actors ever as well) and this is the best example of it, especially when paired with Silvio’s way over the top rant about putting cheese on his feet so that it will smell like Sean’s mother’s crotch. classic.

11. “D-Girl” (episode 20; writer: Todd A. Kessler; director: Allen Coulter)
serious discussion warning: i have never felt that Vincent Pastore was that great of an actor and, frankly, anything he’s done post-Sopranos is capitalizing off being on such a great show. but he does a very good job here with his super-depressed wired-up scene with Anthony Junior and i imagine it’s the best thing he’ll ever do. also, there’s a super-sweet Christopher and Jon Favreau fight in here.

10. “Luxury Lounge” (episode 72; writer: Matthew Weiner; director: Danny Leiner)
if there’s ever a spinoff from the Sopranos, it needs to involve Christopher and Little Carmine. and guess who feature in this episode as a prominent team! not to mention Ben Kingsley (who’s great) and Lauren Bacall vastly improving her retrospective hotness in my eyes by swearing like a sailor in this episode before Imperioli punches her in the face.

09. “Unidentified Black Males” (episode 61; writer: Matthew Weiner and Terence Winter; director: Tim Van Patten)
the best thing to probably EVER come out of this show is the character of Little Carmine; every word out of his semi-retarded mouth is pure gold. and if you like, you can take this selection as a desire for an episode with all the Little Carmine moments rolled into one. but the BEST example of this is “Unidentified Black Males.” actually, i’ll let Little Carmine speak for himself: “the fundamental question is, will i be as effective as a boss like my dad was? and i will be, even more so, but until i am, it’s going to be hard to verify that i think i’ll be more effective.” the rest of the episode pales in comparison!

08. “Christopher” (episode 42; writer: Michael Imperioli (teleplay), Michael Imperioli and Maria Laurino (story); director: Tim Van Patten)
there’s a part here where Ralphie claims to be some random political activist and calls out Iron Eyes Cody on not being a real Indian, and the Indians are calm until he leaves and then freak out. i love it. plus, Artie gets blasted with a fruit smoothie (i assume, anyway) and that has got to count for something.

07. “Commendatori” (episode 17; writer: David Chase; director: Tim Van Patten)
a guy named Furio (the best Italian name EVER) beating up a child? check. an ancient Mafia boss who senily names random American streets? check. the whole “commendatori” thing? check. Paulie getting totally freaked out by dirty Italian toilets? check. actually, after the last one i don’t see how you can demand i keep this episode of any “greatest episodes ever” list.

06. “From Where To Eternity” (episode 22; writer: Michael Imperioli; director: Henry J. Bronchtein)
so, generally speaking, i think all things dream-related on this show are overrated junk: sometimes something neat IS shown, but you have to swallow a lot of garbage to get there. what they SHOULD have done more often is things like Christopher rambling through a description of a dream (or whatever you want to call it) about going to hell, which is an Irish bar where the Italians always lose at gambling. hell as an Irish hangout? now THAT is a burn. anyway, this also gives us the classic line: “hell is hot! that’s never been disputed by anybody.” i guess Imperioli writers about the potential afterlife better than David Chase.

05. “Denial, Anger, Acceptance” (episode 3; writer: Mark Saraceni; director: Nick Gomez)
i do really like to live in the past with some of these episodes, because while the writing does remain pretty witty and enjoyable in every season, the older episodes have a lot of capital-C CLASSIC moments. anyhow, all-in-all a great episode with the crazy Hasids and Christopher being assaulted by crazy Russians (the ending of this episode is generally very well-constructed) and Tony and Artie’s close-quarters food fight, but the best moment here is the part when Tony’s response to a question about the current locations of the Romans is “you’re looking at ’em, asshole.” this, of course, preceeds a threat to snip off a guy’s hoohah with bolt cutters. how the mighty have fallen!

04. “the Strong, Silent Type” (episode 49; writer: Terence Winter and Robin Green & Mitchell Burgess (teleplay), David Chase (story); director: Alan Taylor)
this one is all about the best intervention ever, from Elias Koteas out of nowhere to Christopher calling his mother a whore and catching a beating to Silvio’s “your hair was touching the toilet. disgusting.” the latter cracks me up every time i watch the episode. plus, i don’t mean to make light of a dog getting suffocated by someone sitting on it … but come on, it was a toy poodle, not a real dog.

03. “University” (episode 32; writer: Terence Winter and Salvatore J. Stabile (teleplay), David Chase, Terence Winter, Todd A. Kessler, Robin Green & Mitchell Burgess (story); director: Allen Coulter)
so it’s a well-known fact that i have a massive non-sexual crush on Joe Pantoliano; he’s probably lucky that i don’t have the kind of free time it would take to stalk him throughout New Jersey. in any case, this is a major Pantoliano-as-Ralphie tour de force: he bashes a guy in the face with a chain while obsessing about Gladiator, he seems CRAZY bitter about Kurt Douglas’ haircut in Spartacus, and he kills a whore (or hooah, as they say in Jersey). hell, he almost makes me appreciate Gladiator. (also, apparently it takes about 1000 people to create such an awesome episode.)

02. “Pine Barrens” (episode 37; writer: Terence Winter (teleplay), Tim Van Patten & Terence Winter (story); director: Steve Buscemi)
okay, i admit it, everyone loves this episode, even the critics – Buscemi’s a great director, Winter wrote a great episode, etc, etc. but even though i hate to concur with everyone else’s list, this is filled with great moments, mostly centering around Valery: he declares that he washes his balls with ice water, he demands you return his universal remote to the docking station, and he gets described as an interior decorator that “killed 12 Czechoslovakians.” plus, Paulie loses his shoe in the snow, and i can confirm that running around in the snow essentially barefoot sucks.

01. “46 Long” (episode 2; writer: David Chase; director: Dan Attias)
forget the sweet ranting of Paulie about Italians getting ripped off and an old lady getting wiped out with a car by Livia and the before-the-credits intro that occurs for some reason; these are not what makes this my favorite all-time episode. so there’s this moment when Christopher and Brendan are waiting to get into a club and they see Martin Scorsese entering and everyone gets excited, and Christopher shouts out “Marty! Kundun! i liked it!” this sums up everything i love about this show (and how i feel about Scorsese’s Kundun).

so i’ll miss this show, but in fairness, i think i have a deeper appreciation of it that the assholes that love “Whitecaps.” FUCK WHITECAPS. actually, this is not true, in that i will acknowledge that if it didn’t get so much love from critics and wannabe critics, i’d have thrown it on the list for the Dean Martin being blasted from a boat at the end. yeah, yeah.

janklow’s adventures in jury sitting

at work i work six month bids, and during these last two bids i’ve been called up for jury duty twice, including right now, as in Wednesday, the day i’m writing this. (and yes, i know this means i could have tried to be exempted this time, but i’d rather not, you know, work) actually, technically i was on call Tuesday, but it didn’t start for me until today and that’s that. so instead of doing hilarious and interesting things today and writing about them, it’s time for some observations about our judicial system here in southern Maryland.

-if you, say, have Wednesday-Thursday as your weekend and you’re trying to avoid work, you won’t have to go to jury duty Tuesday, but you WILL have to go on your weekend. i’m not bitter about this or anything, but i have a theory that i will end up going to court ONLY on this weekend. i’ll only get bitter after that comes true.

-for some people, “clothing worn for an office job, or a job interview” means too-short cargo shorts, t-shirts with “Bass Pro Shops” emblazoned on them, and giant bush hats. ironically, shorts and logo-bearing t-shirts are specifically mentioned as things NOT to wear. i, however, feel this ban should be extended to giant bush hats.

-now, i like to read dense books like Thucydides’ Peleponnesian War and Solzhenitsyn’s the Gulag Archipelago III respectively while waiting to be selected (or not) because they make me look smart in the jury room and they have the hot ladies crawling all over me. so generally speaking, i don’t talk to my neighbors in the seats around me much. however, i don’t mind if, say, they want to ask idle questions like “hey, have you ever done this before?” or “are we allowed to leave now?” but i have to say that i mind if you start excitedly chattering to me about the Price Is Right. it’s not even about the Price Is Right; i have no issue with Bob Barker or anything like that. i just don’t want to hear about how GREAT this show is or how can someone BID like that. please. let me read about ancient Greeks and depressing Russians.

-incidentally, if you don’t get selected for a jury, you will get a lot of reading done.

-there’s a part of this “jury video” you watch that is adamant that you shouldn’t investigate the crime you’re on a jury for if, say, you’re on a jury. and i mean ADAMANT. i really wasn’t aware that this was such a serious issue (people really were going wild doing this?), but what i also object to is their claim that you shouldn’t do it because it’s not fair to other jurors. excuse me? i thought the major reason not to do something like that was a) jurors aren’t automatically qualified to investigate crimes out of the blue (excuse me, ma’am, i need to ask you some questions about that murder weapon that was found in your possession. who am i? i’m on a JURY.) and b) if it’s a serious crime, someone might, you know, kill you or at least bribe you.

-i always thought that baliffs were huge (like the guy on Night Court) and there to keep order in the court, but all ours are super-old and backed up by sheriff’s deputies. i will never stop being disappointed by this.

also, i would make some jokes here about people who talk loudly on their cell phones in close quarters with other people, but after the ride to work on a shuttle where some retard was screaming into a bluetooth headset (we heard “I CAN’T HEAR YOU” 10+ times), that joke concept seems… stale? well, i still hate you assholes that do that. you know who you are.

god bless you, worm-eyed zombie!

as many of you (many meaning “the eight or nine people that were forced through extreme boredom to read my internet postings”) might know, both myself and my Irish sidekick are often found to be watching zombie movies and not stockpiling guns in my bunker in case of a zombie outbreak or anything like THAT. at times like the former, one question that comes up is “is this what we’re doing with our lives?” but a more upbeat discussion prompted by the same films would go along the lines of “so what’s the most awesome individual zombie in these films?” a worthy challenge. good thing i have this list right here drawn up in case any of you internet kids needs to borrow it for your own debates!

13: “Big Daddy” (Eugene Clark) from Land of the Dead (2005)

to be frank with you, while i am willing to go to bat for Land Of The Dead (which in my opinion gets more flack for not being as good as people wanted it to be than actually being a poor movie), i must admit that the main reason for including Big Daddy on this list is that his name is, you know, Big Daddy. it’s just so Ricky Ricardo ridiculous! i even forgive the fact that he packs a Steyr AUG, though Law & Order wants me to believe America is flooded with them. UNDEAD America, they must mean.

12: “Cemetery Ghoul” (Bill Heinzman) from Night of the Living Dead (1968)

i admit that i feel obligated to put an original NotLD zombie on this list, but here’s why Cemetery Ghoul deserves it: he’s completely inconsistent with the way zombies are supposed to work; not just in cinema, but in this film itself, the very same film that kicked off this whole “zombie canon” thing that has people getting pissy about whether or not 28 Days Later is a zombie movie over (it is). awesome.

11. “Infected Priest” (Toby Sedgwick) from 28 Days Later (2002)

speaking of my insistence on 28 Days Later being a zombie movie, this is a great non-cheating zombie attack in a nice creepy scene early in the film before everyone starts debating the ending of said film. plus, his little dance-spasm is cooler than the rip-and-run antics of the standard ZOMBIES in this ZOMBIE movie that features lots of ZOMBIES.

10: “Bloated Woman” (Ermes Blasarin) from Dawn of the Dead (2004)

seriously, she/he is the grossest zombie i have ever seen on film in my entire life. that has GOT to count for something. (the runner-up is “Fat Zombie” (Captain Haggerty) from Zombi 2.) not to mention the fact that i think Ermes Blasarin is a) an awesome name and b) the name of a man in a fat girl suit in this film.

09: “that machete zombie” (???) from Zombi 3 (1988)

now, you might not know this, and it’s a real shame when you consider how awesome Zombi 2 was, but Zombi 3 is a severe train wreck of a film: they replaced the director midway through the film, the effects are lame, there’s a flying zombie head, and, my favorite, zombies that attack out of some hay on the ground that was NOT THERE in the same location in a shot about 13 seconds earlier. but forget all that, because early in the film there’s this completely over-the-top zombie that goes apeshit with a machete as he attacks Replaceable Actress, Blonde Version or whoever it was. and i mean ATTACKS, because i have every reason to believe that on a film this crappy and with a machete attack that fierce that the cinematic “victim” had every reason to believe they WERE about to get carved up.

08: “Bub the Zombie” (Sherman Howard) from Day of the Dead (1985)

Bub is sort of a thinking man’s excellent zombie – he’s stated to be the most awesome zombie in the film, yet never does any of the standard gross-out murder-and-devouring fests that flashier zombies are into (or, at least, that’s not “the thing that he does in this movie”). however, note this: not only is he super-smart (for a zombie), but he ALSO seeks revenge using the power of a .45, which happen to fire compressed American flags into their righteous victims. i rest my case.

07: “Zombie with M-16 rifle” (Jay Stover) from Dawn of the Dead (1978)

it’s possible that this is not his actual “name,” because i’m sort of guessing while looking at the credits on iMDB, but we all know who i’m talking about: that green-faced guy that’s wandering around holding guns that have been shoved into his hands late in the movie. how the hell does he manage to climb ladders and steps while doing that? he does it by being AWESOME.

06: “Crazy Yakuza with Amulet” (Minoru Matsumoto) from Versus (2000)

the name seems misleading and, to be honest, i’m STILL not sure what’s going on in this movie. but what i believe to be the case is that the aformentioned role is the guy who gets zombified and goes out of his damn MIND after- well, no, okay, he’s always crazy. but later in the film, he becomes a crazy zombie. and when i say “crazy,” i mean “more crazy than words can say.”

05: “Worm-Eyed Zombie” (Ottaviano Dell’Acqua) from Zombi 2 (1979)

two reasons. first, very cool and worm-eyed makeup on this zombie. it’s fantastic. but second, here’s the thing: when i was a child and my parents took me to the local video store (which is now out of business), there were two movies that i wanted to see based on visual advertising – Wizards (because of its excellent cover art) and Zombie (which is what we call Zombi 2 in the states). why the later? because of a massive poster behind the counter with the worm-eyed zombie and the declaration, in massive letters, of “WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!” you have no idea how happy i was to see that printed on the back of the case when i bought the DVD for the SECOND time. oh, i love you so much, worm-eyed zombie!

03-04 (tie): “Radio Corpse #1” (John Durbin) and “Radio Corpse #2” (David Bond) from the Return of the Living Dead (1985)

again, slight guess at the roles here, but this is the definition of a tie – who can choose between “send more paramedics?” and “send more cops?” i admit, there are a lot of crazy-ass (and thus awesome) zombies from this film getting slighted – “Tarman” and, uh, “Yellow Cadaver,” maybe – but these are the best lines in the film. it’s sort of all downhill from them, except, you know, for the part between them when it levels off.

02: any SS zombie from Shock Waves (1976)

because every zombie in Shock Waves is credited as “Zombie” and, frankly, this is less about any individual zombie in that film kicking ass than it is about the fact that nothing says “ridiculous good time” like a movie where the villain has a strike team of Nazi zombies for those occasions when, you know, you start to feel BAD about killing the living dead who don’t have a strong position on National Socialism.

01: “that zombie that fights a shark” (???) from Zombi 2 (1979)


alas, the greatest zombie of them all can’t really be identified by the credits (i have this theory that a few guys played a LOT of zombies between them in that classic film), and that is a shame, because this is THE greatest zombie scene of all time – in which a zombie fights a shark underwater and, really, it’s in the film for almost no reason. if you’ve seen it, it needs no description (girl is swimming half-naked underwater, shark comes out of nowhere, ZOMBIE comes out of nowhere and, uh, fights the shark) and if you haven’t, get your ass to Netflix or Blockbuster or whatever. A ZOMBIE FIGHTS A SHARK UNDERWATER. i mean, just look at that picture!