NC-17-rated anthropology: they’re artificial, not fake or synthetic (who knew)

DISCLAIMER: this is not a TSA story, this is a pervert discussion.

a little-known fact (insert tired “little-known because no one reads what i put on the internet” joke here) is that in the process of rummaging through your personal property and skid-marked underwear and rotting meat in order to keep you, yes, YOU safe from international terrorism (like Al-Qaeda and COBRA and so on) is that i have come across, on many occasions, sex toys and other dirty materials. these range from what i consider “normal” (dildos and vibrators not containing bombs, standard porno) to “less normal but expected” (double-ended dildos, those anal bead things, 300-pound-ladies porno) to “just fucking crazy” (dildos larger than my arm, those “puffer” things, anything marked “sex grease,” Eastern European punching-in-the-face porno). actually, fuck it, there’s no normal, i’m a huge prude and all the above is too much for me.

ANYWAY, there are two things i haven’t seen in a bag, and that’s where this question comes in: blow-up dolls and artificial vaginas. now, the first seem to be to be either a gag gift or the kind of thing a guy who made $10 million during the internet boom pays five figures to fuck a REALLY nice version of (i think they’re called Real Dolls or something like that). the latter, however, is what confuses me: i’ve never seen one in a bag*, yet these things are supposedly a marketable product – they started making them years ago, they’re STILL making them, they apparently make all kinds of them, and yet i don’t know anyone that would admit to owning them, and i’ve never seen one. however, since i’ve seen every last goddamn embarassing thing, you’d have though i’d have busted one by now.

these bunnies are there for your protection, but if you click on them, they should give you a horrifying idea of what i’m talking about here.

i attempted to do a little internet research on this matter, but it turns out that “fake vaginas” and “synthetic vaginas” aren’t the preferred terms; that would be “artificial vaginas” or “pocket pussies.” actually, the former makes me think of some kind of medical replacement for real vaginas destroyed by, say, boating accidents, and we’re clearly not talking about that. after some very misguided web search results – i know too much about bull semen collection now, and, no thank you, i want nothing to do with “BUILD OWN ARTIFICIAL VAGINA” – i have given up on proving how many of these are getting sold. still, if they’re still making them in large amounts (note that i just assume these are large amounts), wouldn’t that mean all of us should know SOME guy that owns one of these?

i followed this up with some field research, and here’s what i learned (without even being punched in the face one time!):
-100% of men don’t want to talk about artificial vaginas, and they don’t own any artificial vaginas, and if they DID own them, they wouldn’t admit to it (shocking);
-100% of women think men are totally gross (and i concur).

none of this is making any sense of the matter for me, though, beyond that i agree that these things are gross: either every guy has them, or none of them do, or some guys do and some guys don’t. there’s really no more information to get without breaking & entering, so i guess i’m just going to have to remain confused here. i would add “if anyone’s got any sales information or tales of people that own these things for a fact, let me know” here, but after this i think i’m done talking about artificial vaginas for the rest of my natural life (and if i come back as a zombie, well, i think i’ll still be good).

final note: so, what’s the deal with modeling these after “some famous pornographic actresses’ vaginae,” anyway? it’s not like you’re going to some prostitute ranch in Vegas and having sex with a woman who occasionally appears in porno films, you’re doing a lump of plastic that CLAIMS to be modeled after their vaginae. and it can’t be like sex with them (or any real person), and i don’t know how you’d compare the real versus the fake vaginae (unless you’re a major fan). is there really a sad guy out there fucking one of these things and pretending this is “just as good” as fucking Jenna Jameson or something? this just seems pathetic, as in, moreso than “normal artificial vagina fucking.”

*to be technically fair, i saw one in a bag one time, but the person (i didn’t check the name) was clearly a representative for a company that SOLD such things and thus i’m not counting this example. everything else i’ve noted as having found appeared to be … used in some capacity.

Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *