living out here in the wilds of southern Maryland, we frequently come into contact with the forces of nature, like wind and rain and lightning and heavyset gentlement with pickup trucks. for the most part, these encounters are peaceful (or, in the case of lightning, at least harmlessly incidental) and end without incident. another of these forces of nature, however, is comprised of animals, and while sometimes it ends well, sometimes there is unavoidable conflict. let’s have a small recap of these conflicts now. also, for the record, groundhogs are not for fighting with, because they’re very pleasant and the saddest thing ever is a treed groundhog. oh, yeah, no goats either, because once i met a goat named Batman, and that’s the kind of goat you don’t have a fight with.
also, here is a photo in which i will claim to be looking for a good fight to spruce up this post:
no, not the refreshing alcoholic beverage, those weird birds that Benjamin Franklin sought to enshrine as some kind of symbol of America. for the past few years, we’ve been trying to build up their population here, which means that no one is hunting them, and i have confrontations with them on occasion, like when they fly into my car accidentally (or possibly that’s “accidentally”). main highlights include: this time that i attempt to tackle one, resulting it in shaming me by running away and refusing to fly in fear for it’s life. also, another time my old dog and i surprised a trio of turkeys and, after a moment wherein everyone involved was weighing options, we decided to rush them, only for them to escape during a long chase down some kind of hillside or something. one of these days i’m going to catch one of these fuckers and punch it in the face. turkeys 2, janklow 0.
everyone seems to think that deer are some adorable symbol of nature, which i mainly blame on that fucking Bambi movie, but the truth is they’re annoying vandals. they’re like the Dennis the Menace of the woods: they rush in your yards, wreck all your plants, and scamper off with a satisfied grin. however, while this makes for good reason to wail on deer, they’re also pretty fast and cowardly. to date, most of my run-ins with deer involve me spotting one wrecking something (shocking) and rushing out of the house, spewing profanity in their direction. i think the last time it happened, i attempted to bait the deer in question by yelling at it that if it was a man, it would come back and fight me (i know i at least yelled after it “coward, get back here and fight me!”), but apparently it recognized the contradiction of being a man and a deer at the same time and fled. still, i vow to catch one of these deer and punch it in the face. i DID have a plan to use an ATV to do so, but people are telling me this is “not feasible.” for now, it remains deer 1, janklow 0.
one thing that you’ll find out in the countryside are collections of slightly out-of-the-ordinary animals on farms: here and there we have alpacas and llamas and buffalo and emus and, mostly importantly, peacocks. generally these animals stay confined to their farms (though i do have a story about a buffalo escape) and aren’t available for fights; however, once a team of peacocks (like 10+ peacocks or something) escaped from their farm and went totally wild, mainly meaning that you’d randomly see them in the road when you’re trying to drive work just sitting there doing NOTHING! WHY BE IN THE ROAD, PEACOCK? anyway, they’re total cowards and they never want to fight. i consider myself their superior. janklow 1, peacocks 0.
it’s a well-established fact that i do not like horses (as i have no respect for them), but generally speaking they’re not just around. nevertheless, many members of my family once had horses and while i admit that one of them was very nice, most were aloof, and one had what we call a Bad Attitude. he would generally be unpleasant to mostly everyone, which becomes old when only about one person can ride the horse and the person feeding it and cleaning up after it (as in, yours truly) gets a lot of grief from it. we eventually had a confrontation where he gave me his threat display (some close-in snorting and the like) and i gave him my threat display (a combination of general profanity, the phrase “who do you think you are?” and the waving of a shovel) and we agreed that he wouldn’t give me any more static and i would feed him and be pleasant. and no, i did not hit the horse with the shovel (though i did use it to make a racket aside from merely waving it around). janklow 1, horses 0.
these things are trouble: i once had one refuse to get out of the way of my car, refuse to acknowledge me flashing my lights at it, and when confronted with the horn, merely gave me an evil glare. i don’t know where the fuck a possum gets off glaring down my CAR, which could easily destroy it, but i admit i was forced to yield the right of way to it. oppossi 1, janklow 0. on the plus side, every dog we had around when i was younger either treed them (my dog) or brutally killed the hell out of them (my father’s).
bah! once, i drank heavily of liquor, punched a mule in the face and knocked it unconscious! with ONE PUNCH! i am clearly superior to mules! (janklow 1, mules 0.)
we don’t fight because they only operate in the dead of night and they only eat cat food, which either means they’re a) never around because all our partially-stray outside cats have now died or b) they’re surprised and sort of friendly all the time. this takes all the motivation out of fighting them. (but hey, janklow 1, raccoons 0.) however, speaking of the dead of night…
okay, so, if you have ever been out in the woods in the middle of the night and heard these fuckers making what i can only call “fox noise,” AKA the worst noise ever created, you would probably take the stance i take, which is that you can call me a huge pussy, but i am not going to fight them. no way. once i did spend some time running around in the woods with one of my shotguns looking for what was either a) a fox or b) a dog being eaten by a cougar or one of those Rancor pit monsters, because it really sounded like b, but the theoretical fox escaped. in the end, that was probably to my benefit. a colleague of mine did hit and kill a fox near this area with his car once, so we’ll count that in my favor so as to make this whole post less shameful in regards to my prowess. janklow 1, foxes 1.
wow, this is a pretty long post – which means that next week we’ll have to cover the insects and domesticated animals that have dared challenge me! until then, the score remains animals 5, janklow 5. things are not looking good…