last week on House Of Hate: Operation Undeniable Victory: janklow was talking about fighting with a somewhat-wide variety of animals for no good reason beyond rage and some vandalism (and also possibly using too many colons to introduce next episodes), and the score remained a tie; animals 5, janklow 5.
this week on House Of Hate: Operation Undeniable Victory: uh… bees and dogs and stuff?
okay, this is splitting hairs to some extent, since bees (and subsequent insects) aren’t really animals, but when i was five years old, a swarm of ground bees overwhelmed me, stung the hell out of me, and then further inserted a strike team of additional bees into my hair, where my father would later kill them as they attempted furiously to sting me. (while this is not the reason i currently shave my head and have no hair, that would be a good reason to; so starting now, those bees are to blame for my hairstyle.) i have vowed revenge, and much like Steven Seagal in that movie where he returns from a coma to punch a board until he’s ready for revenge (i think it was Hard To Kill), i have been training to punch my way through a swarm of bees to freedom ever since. later Dane Cook would steal my material, but that’s another story. bees 1, janklow 0 (for now).
these dust-ups have… not gone as well as my fights with bees, which is saying something when you consider that the bees basically kicked my ass and then hid for 20+ years. wasps and i have a sort of Vietnam War-era conflict going, mainly characterized by set-piece battles where i find one or two of them roaming and finish it and ambushes where wasps sting me and run for it. the low came during the classic incident where a swarm of wasps entered my bed while i was asleep and stung me repeatedly in the back. i mean, i grant that sounds crazy, but that’s literally what happened, leading to me sleeping in a closet that evening and the retelling of this story to everyone i know who gets creeped out by insects. still, you know, i do smash them and poison their nests, so maybe i had it coming. hornets, it’s more of a toss-up, but a team of them did once burst out of a potted plant in my kitchen and sting the hell out of me as i attempted to defend myself with a combination of savate and swinging a sweatshirt around like some kind of weapon. considering that i was stung four times, the moral is that French kickboxing isn’t effective against insects. wasps and hornets 2, janklow 1.
it’s times like these that you need to spend some of your free time building helmets designed for bee-fighting!
i don’t really fight with rodents on the grounds that i’ve kept them as pets before, but i did once have a gunfight with a team of rats, who mainly came out of it poorly for reasons of “not having any guns.” also, this doesn’t really apply to the kind of fight i’m going for here, so let’s just keep it moving.
i don’t really like to fight with dogs because they’re pretty congenial and i get along very well with them. and it’s not like i ever got my ass whipped by a bulldog like some people i know, or was forced to carry a gun around the farm on account of packs of crazy feral dogs like my grandfather. still, i must admit that my track record of dog conflict does involve a neighbor’s dog that used to chase me home on the occasions he’d see me when i was younger (i mean, he was big and i was like 11 years old). later, he realized i was cool and we got along fine until a woman who lived nearby hit him with her car and killed him (lousy bitch), but technically the score must thus remain dogs 1, janklow 0.
oh, i don’t like cats: they urinate on everything and get in your face constantly and they might break into your kitchen and start eating the bread. but you can’t really fight them because they’re small and often have ladies around them that protect them for reasons i can’t possibly fathom, or they’re super-large and have advantages like “strength of a tiger,” and thus i don’t really have a good “cat-fight” story to tell. but i CAN tell you this: if someone’s cat bites you and infects you and the doctor tells you “hey, take this medicine so you don’t die or something” and you really don’t like doctors, well, i don’t give a fuck how much you love doctors, for the love of god, TAKE THAT MEDICINE. also, yes, once my mother’s cat totally infected me and so i guess that means cats 1, janklow0. this is shameful and i don’t really want to talk about fighting cats anymore!
so… animals 10, janklow 6. fuck! defeated! i’m really going to have to punch a deer in the face now.
UNRELATED BUFFALO ESCAPE STORY: alright, this is what happened – near where i live, a guy once decided to invest in some buffalo. as you can guess, however, you need a stronger fence system than you do for cattle, which he proceeded to not buy, leading to a buffalo escape when they rampaged through his fence. if i recall correctly, this involved three buffalo, and two were promptly recaptured, which is all well and good. the third, however, went missing. a police officer happened, by chance, across some men who were dressing the carcass of a buffalo in their yard. when he asked them what happened, he was told “well, we shot it when it came in our yard.” when asked if they didn’t think it was the local buffalo on the loose, they responded “oh, we just figured it was some other buffalo.”
…yeah. also, that guy stopped trying to raise buffalo.