and now, janklow with an open letter to the cardinal that keeps shitting on his car.
well, why did you do it? are you some sort of jerk or something? it’s MY car! true, you certainly avenged yourself for my throwing out seeds and oats (and maybe a carrot) that you ate by repeatedly shitting on my car. and when i came outside to find a line of three cars had all be “decorated” with a massive line of bird shit behind every side mirror on every car, i admit that i thought it was a massive bird (maybe a hawk or something) with diarrhea. but when i busted you sitting behind each side mirror, rubbing your nasty little cardinal body on each mirror, and then shitting all over the area, i said to myself “ah, it was you! and also, i will now plan to punch you in the face.” i gather that the cat around here that hates me (but is super soft and fun to pet) also hates you and killed your cardinal sidekick – you’re next! what are you – some sort of PRICK? some sort of idiot? some sort of shitting machine? you bird loser! JERK!
seriously, this bird needs to be punched (or possibly eaten by a cat) ASAP. other things that need to be punched in the face real, real hard:
-the guy driving the SUV that kept turning his brights on while driving on a highway filled with other cars tonight. i can’t even fathom why that’s a) a necessary move or b) a good decision at all. you need to see the cars 13 feet in front of you that you can already see with your headlights BETTER? you really just need to blind me that badly? fuck THAT noise.
-record label executives. there are about a thousand reasons for this (and probably the only guy i would NOT punch in the face is Steve Rifkind), largely based around the whole “we can’t sell overpriced, crappy product to THIEVES” concept, but the reason for today is this: if there’s an album out there for an artist at a time when both have buzz, a leaked advance copy is not a solid reason to delay the album for MONTHS. okay? is this making sense yet?
-Michael Mann. actually, this is a little unfair because Mann’s a good director with great attention to detail, and Heat is an awesome movie. but – and here’s the thing – i just watched the film version of Miami Vice (despite Colin Farrell’s not getting shot with a grenade in the face in it) and i have to say this: if punching Michael Mann will prevent him from using lies like “i’m a fiend for mohitos” in a movie ever again … well, then he needs one loving punch in the face for a good cause.