unfinished business (but no EPMD)

occasionally, i get a little feedback on some of these finely-crafted posts after i write them, mainly about how i forgot something or how wrong i am about something (and by feedback, i mean getting cornered by a large colleague who wants to know why Clint Howard evaded my character-actor-related attentions). so without further ado, let’s revisit some of these topics in order to straighten a few things out. back into time!

July 20th: “John Turturro: pretty good, but no Joey Pants”
in retrospect, i feel totally bad about this, because i was pondering over character actors that might need a little love in case they’re sitting at home Googling their own names like madmen only to discover that the only guy who cares is some crazy Marylander, after which point they pen some letter to the “cruel world” before the self-inflicted gunshot wound. but i digress! the point is, i DID neglect someone:

supposedly, this is Ron Howard's crazy-looking brother Clint.
i couldn’t find a good photo of him posing CRAZY with a Grinch Who Stole Christmas t-shirt, so you’ll have to settle for those dazzling photos there

no, not that motherfucker, THIS guy:

look at those jowls!
i really, really apologize to Mr. Dourif for forgetting about him, he’s awesome on this now-defunct show

Brad Dourif
and really, i don’t know how i forgot him. he’s completely unattractive, and he’s a legimately talented actor. i’ll take his work in as Doc Cochran in Deadwood (where he’s got to compete with a great cast) and the handful of other solid roles he’s collected (Billy Bibbit in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Clinton Pell in Mississippi Burning, Grima Wormtongue in all that LotR nonsense, etc.) over a lot of bullshit from “leading men,” and combined with his adorable work in wacky movies (i’m mainly thinking the Gemini Killer here), it’s more than enough to ignore his cheesy Chucky voice-work, his myriad of appearances in shitty films (like any character actor) and the fact that he’s from West Virginia. i mean, fuck, we can’t ALL be born in Maryland. also, and this is a relevant tangent for once, it also occurs to me that Deadwood is packed to the gills with character actors that i like a lot: William Sanderson, Jeffrey Jones, Ian McShane (i mean, i don’t consider him a leading man), Powers Boothe and so on. no beauties, all talented. fuck, do i miss that show.

side note: i’m considering adding J.D. Williams to my “character actors i love” list; i liked him on Oz, but he’s been great on the Wire, and frankly, he turned in a painfully-neglected performance on season four. he’s had a great nasty-to-classy (well, relatively) character arc for four seasons, he’s got some seriously heart-breaking scenes in this last season, and i know that the writers should get major credit – and from me they do, because the Wire has a stellar writing crew – but Williams makes it work. look, i get that everyone flips out about the fucking Sopranos, especially with it ending, but come on: you can nominate the Sopranos for 15 fucking Emmys, but Deadwood gets only 6, and the Wire gets zero? ZERO? and with the Sopranos sometimes getting 2 or 3 nominations a CATEGORY? ridiculous. actually, it’s not ridiculous, it’s a blatant “fuck you” to the Wire, a show that doesn’t film in LA. here are some supporting actors that don’t deserve a nomination before Williams or about 15 other supporting actors from Deadwood and the Wire: Michael Emerson, T.R. Knight, Masi Oki, Terry O’Quinn and William Shatner. and that’s all the nominations less Imperioli, who i like and can forgive. fuck the fucking Academy.

June 29th: “silly motherfuckers, suicide orcs, Tom Berenger and white phosphorus, oh my”
so it might seem stupid to go out of my way to throw this out there, because it’s not like i can’t nitpick movie after movie ENDLESSLY, but this one recently caught my eye and, accordingly, annoyed me beyond the limits of sanity. yes, that’s right, it’s so annoying that i traveled into the future and witnessed swarms of bugs possessed of collective intelligence ruling the earth, though luckily, they calmed me down and guided me back to this timeline. the annoyance? the fucking M203s in the torture/car scene in the James Bond film Tomorrow Never Dies.

...and there's no damage to the car!
the BMW Z3: immune to walls, grenades and appearances in non-shitty movies

so let me set the scene: Bond has just evaded torture and death at the hands of Vincent Schiavelli (ironically, another notable character actor, and one who recently died), and he’s now escaping in his totally unrealistic BMW. i get it, it’s one of the bad Bond movies and it’s not supposedly to be “realistic.” but in this scene, we have a lot of henchmen packing SMGs and M16s with beta-C magazines and … M203 grenade launchers. which they shoot at Bond’s car.

now, here’s the thing: these grenades spin-arm after traveling a distance through the air, which means they wouldn’t actually EXPLODE on a car rushing at you, which means they’d do nothing. but even if they did, who’d shoot a high-explosive grenade at a car ten feet away while in a crowd of his peers? and, more to the point, since there’s no explosions in the scene, couldn’t they have dropped the grenade launchers and just had them harmlessly pour ammunition at Bond’s car (which is fodder for more debate later)?

these things keep me awake at night. i know they shouldn’t.

June 8th: “go fuck yourself,” june 2007
just a little update, because i talked about O’Malley’s dealings with the power issues: his more recent statements were that the solution is for everyone to just use less power. thanks, O’Malley, that’s ground-breaking leadership i would never have experienced without you!

i guess maybe that’s it as far as the mailbag goes. i mean, i’m not going to seriously respond to people’s comments that “David Banner sucks and i don’t even know who he is, anyway.” if you don’t know who he is, how do you know he sucks? your argument isn’t even internally consistent! you know what, you suckers can get the bozack. it’s time for the big payback, and i’m strictly snappin’ necks. i don’t know if you had too much to drink, or if you think it’s time to party or if it’s just total kaos inside your head or what, but so what cha sayin’ now? okay, that’s it, i’ve run this into the ground and i’m pretty sure no one gets the joke anyway. 5000.

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