underappreciated superhero station: now with more Power Man!

superheros seem to be a fairly common topic around here (and by “here,” i mean “the internet”), but sadly, for every 1000 words describing how Glen Danzig should have played Wolverine in the movies (no) or just how dreamy Wolverine is generally (i mean, i guess he’s okay, but he’s still CANADIAN), there’s less than 1.5 words talking about the excellent of some of the more overlooked (as in, overlooked compared to Wolverine) heroes of my generation. i don’t know about the heroes of YOUR generation, because frankly, my generation is the best. go generation X! tell the “greatest generation” where to get off! feel entitled!

but ANYWAY, while i obviously have many comic book favorites who DO get press (Batman, Nightcrawler, the Punisher, Hellboy, maybe even Spawn), let’s take a moment to appreciate those that get less, shall we?

Image Comics alumni:

welcome to the world of AIDS patients crippling criminals and… uh…some confusing things that i think involved rabbits somehow.

Shadowhawk
everyone likes gritty superheros that have no superpowers, right? well, you claim to do so with Batman and the Punisher, and since i do so as well, i think we should all take a moment to celebrate Shadowhawk: he has AIDS (or had, since he died), there was a brief mystery as to his identity, and he broke criminals’ spines. true, many of his early comic book covers were the definition of 1990s cover ridicularity (though still actually awesome) and he did proceed a) get nicer, b) get weirder in terms of story line(s) and c) eventually die, but despite his short run and later appearance as a robot, he deserves a little love. this is an old Image book that i don’t feel ashamed about owning a batch of (and fuck you, i still treasure my Spawn collection).

the Maxx
so, i really can’t explain what the Maxx is about. i just don’t get it. and i bought and read this comic AND had all this shit explained to me afterwards… but i still don’t get it. it’s just that fucking crazy, and also, maybe awesome as well. it’s lavishly drawn, which makes sense in that it’s Sam Kieth’s labor of love (some of these guys really came to Image to do that kind of thing), and it’s also completely ridiculous … though not in the completely ridiculous way that Liefield draws women whose images have no proper relation to time, space or human anatomy. it even had an animated show, though this gets overshadowed by the animated Spawn program, which, in fairness, DID feature Keith David. i’m rambling but this comic was crazy awesome. the Maxx is apparently some massive homeless guy who may or may not be a rabbit (not) and who wails on random weird stuff. and i don’t even think he gets a lot of love in the comic, let ALONE from real people. damn.

Marvel Comics alumni:

basically, Luke Cage made the smartest superhero move of all time by getting rid of that old outfit (though the chain belt WAS kind of cool).

Luke Cage/Power Man (Carl Lucas)
okay, let’s forget all the “sweet Christmas” and the crazy 1970s afro: Luke Cage is awesome. sure, the name “Power Man” wasn’t exactly the baddest name around, but then again, it defies the “all black superheroes must have the word ‘Black’ as part of their alias” stereotype. and, hey, Luke Cage isn’t a great leap from Carl Lucas, but it still kicks as much ass as Luke Cage personally does. plus, while he beats ass, he has pretty reasonable powers (awesome strength and impregnable skin) and can fairly wear the title of “the world’s first and foremost black superhero of the seventies.” incidentally, i’d like that to be written on my tombstone, but i think i’m going to have to settle for “man’s best friend.” anyway, you can also get those sweet $12 Marvel Essentials books that give you a ton of old Power Man action. on the plus side, he’s getting a movie soon, so maybe he’ll get SOME appreciation, though you know how optimistic i am about comic book movies.

…i don’t have anyone else for Marvel. i blame all those X-Men and Spider-Man and Fantastic Four movies. though Captain America probably doesn’t get the love he deserves. do you think the A on his head stands for France?

DC Comics alumni:

the Manhunter from Mars takes no shit; Aquaman, on the other hand, may want to hold up a moment on that declaration of appreciation.

Martian Manhunter (J’onn J’onzz)
so when we talk about our favorite DC superhero, while i love Batman to death, i always go with the Martian Manhunter, to which everyone says “who?” the fucking Martian Manhunter, that’s who! i first got some comics of his as a gift when i was small, and the whole concept of who this dude was confused me, so i get that you may be confused by him as well, so let me just tell you what J’onn can do: intangibility, invisibility, telepathy, shape-shifting, flight, “Martian vision” (a combination of heat and X-ray vision), super-strength, super-speed and super-stamina. exactly. who the fuck needs Superman when the Martian Manhunter is on board? i think his flaw is that he’s not very photogenic, but that’s where the shape-shifting comes in. hell, in the Liberty Files he was a more bad-ass version of Superman than Superman was in the same comics.

Aquaman
i feel bad for Aquaman. and not in the way that everyone does before they add “because he sucks,” because that’s just mean. hell, you don’t even have to try very hard to find panels where he’s getting insulted by the rest of his super “friends.” he even insults himself (see above). and there’s no one that gets constant re-workings of his image in his own comics to try and try to capture a serious new fanbase like Aquaman does. still, fuck the haters, that crazy orange scale shirt is awesome, as is the 1950s haircut. and also – and this is a tangent – some people seem to confuse him with the Submariner and think it’s “super nerdy” if you can tell them apart. idiots, don’t you want to know who you’re sassing?

so there you go. appreciate these comic book icons, mere humans! and please stop laughing at Aquaman. he has feelings too, you know.

Steven Seagal: the man, the myth, the legend

sure, i spend a lot of time talking about cinema and claiming to discuss some of the best directors and actors of this generation. and, since i’m about five years old, previous generations as well. still, i know you’re sitting out there in Radio Land with your fists clenched in a combination of anticipation and anger thinking “but janklow, it’s clear to us all that you’ve sincerely neglected the greatest cinematic work known to man!” you’re right, and i apologize. but not to my reading public, but to that man: Steven Seagal. start up the appreciation engine!

Seagal Book I: The Films
much as there were once two geniuses who developed, respectively, Crystal Pepsi and New Coke, there was a man who decided “i need a slow-moving man who knows aikido and can hit guys in the face with a pool ball in a towel.” and thus, the cinematic adventures of Steven Segal were born! twenty-seven movies later, i have learned a lot. some of those things?

sadly missing: Hard To Kill
look at this film catalog and eat your fucking heart out, Robert De Niro!

-Steven Seagal does THE best Italian accent of all time;
-some talented actors i enjoy the work of (Keith David, William Forsythe, Tommy Lee Jones, Harry Dean Stanton, Michael Caine, R. Lee Ermey, etc.) are clearly willing to debase themselves for the sake of a paycheck;
-aikido makes short work of slow-moving lines of henchmen, goons, and the like;
-i would pay regular installments of cash money to watch a television show starring Steven Seagal AND Gary Busey;
-Seagal researched the voodoo stuff for Marked For Death ALL BY HIMSELF (he’s such a big boy now!);
-something about using a credit card like a ginsu knife or whatever;
-respect the environment, whether down south or in Alaska or, you know, that whole aikido thing will come into play;
-Steven Seagal has a loyal legion of fans who have arranged his iMDB page to say things like “Steven Seagal is a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome looking (often with ponytail) and usually impeccably dressed action star” and “Seagal publicly announced that one of his Buddhist teachers, His Holiness Penor Rinpoche, had accorded Seagal as a tulku, the reincarnation of a Buddhist Lama.” now THOSE are the people i am actually afraid of.

i don’t think i learned so much stuff from watching, say, Citizen Kane (everyone already knew that Hearst was a dickhead, for example), so, really, is there anything more educational than the work of Seagal? exactly.

Seagal Book II: The Energy Drink
one of the sassiest gifts i have ever received was a paper bag filled with two Steven Seagal DVDs (Under Siege and Hard To Kill), a large bottle of vodka, and a note, which i shall paraphrase here: “step 01. drink entire bottle of vodka; step 02. watch Steven Seagal DVDs and realize his excellent contribution to cinema; step 03. wake up tired tomorrow, but don’t worry, because Steven Seagal has given you the world’s best energy drink to recover!” you admit this is awesome, but what is this energy drink of which i speak? well…

now with 50% more Asians!
Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt is standard equipment for our pro-taxation militia: when captured, you drink it and it kills you

i give you Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt! it is absolutely the worst energy drink of all time. seriously, it’s disgusting. it makes bold but irrelevant claims, such as “the first energy drink to be made of 100% juice” (who cares, since i want caffeine) and “it is available in over 60 countries, including Wales and Zambia” (Wales, admittedly, is awesome, but Zambia?). in my experience, it comes in two flavors: Cherry Charge, which tastes roughly like a diseased cherry, and Asian Experience, which i can only assume is supposed to taste like Asia (or Asians, maybe), and i think it does. they tell me there’s another flavor called “Root Beer Rush,” but i’ve already drunk two of these things too many.

Seagal Book III: The Rock Guitar
well, what does iMDB say? “Is a singer and guitarist.” oh really?

the serious expression means he's guitaring really hard
look at these sweet guitar licks and eat your fucking heart out, Elvis Costello!

oh really. actually, while the above is pretty great, i really wish i had a copy of the photo of Seagal rocking out that was in the Baltimore City Paper around here – i promptly liberated it, mounted it and scrawled the legend “FUCK YEAH” over it, and then posted it in my locker at work. every day, Seagal inspires me. he gives me the power to go on.

Seagal Book IV: The Legal Battle
this whole thing was prompted by a blurb on iMDB, to be honest. in fact, let me share it with you!

Seagal Seeks FBI Apology for Derailing His Career
Actor Steven Seagal is seeking an apology from the Federal Bureau Of Investigation, for allegedly harming his career by implicating he hired a private detective to intimidate journalists from writing unflattering stories about him. The 56-year-old has made 12 movies since 2001’s Exit Wounds – all have been released directly onto DVD, bypassing cinemas, and Seagal is convinced the leaked release of an October 2002 FBI affidavit linking him to the mob is responsible for his decline in popularity. The affidavit detailed how Seagal hired private eye Anthony Pellicano to threaten reporters, before the investigation focused entirely on Pellicano, who is now in prison awaiting a trial on charges including wire-tapping, But Seagal has never been publicly cleared by the FBI, and the actor wants this done so his reputation is immediately restored, reports the Los Angeles Times. Seagal recently said, “False FBI accusations fuelled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia. These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers – and kill careers.” He added, “I was sick of hearing my name associated with a crime the government knew I had nothing to do with. Until it happens to you, you can’t imagine what it does to your life.”

what i don’t think anyone realizes is that this is the PERFECT idea for a Steven Seagal movie. a boyishly handsome martial-arts movie star is accused of Mafia ties by the FBI, but even though it’s not true, his career suffers. so this movie star – let’s call him Handsome B. Wonderful – asks the FBI to apologize publically… but they won’t! this leaves him only one option: a massive aikido fight versus the FBI. probably some cars get blown up in here somewhere, the director of the FBI is probably played by Anthony Anderson or Colm Meaney or something, and there should also be a lecture about Buddhists and their love of nature. anyway, Seagal beats them all up, clears his name, beds the foxy female sidekick and maybe becomes president!

it’ll probably go straight to DVD. but i’d watch it on cable!

fake stories told by liars: now on the internet!

at this point in time, you’ve probably digested enough of my incredibly original posts to realize that i, like the rest of us on the internet with time to ramble but a lack of self-defined structure, have an affinity for numbered and defined things like lists and “rules for life” and a style of martial arts that i have been developing called “Southern Maryland Praying Mantis,” which might not sound like much now, but which i’m sure can easily be used to defeat guys trained in things like savate.

wow, a French fighting style, real fearsome
the slaps and kicks of these Frenchmen are no match for my Southern Maryland Praying Mantis!

ANYWAY, one of these rules for life that i’ve developed which is a little more advanced than “women like to take your money if they can” and “seriously, don’t trust the white man” goes like this: there are two kinds of conversational cosmopolites at parties and get-togethers: the kind that everyone wants to talk to, and the kind who gets stuck talking to every random person around. the former is usual pretty cool or in possession of marijuana; the latter is me: i always get stuck chatting up some random-ass people instead of having a conversation i like, which means that i may just chatter randomly in response. now, okay, this is not a real burden, but it does mean two things that are the real topic of our blogging today:

01. i hear a lot of fictional stories from people who are trying to (randomly) impress me;
02. i’m sort of well-versed in detecting your fictionalizations as i make up my own.

generally speaking, there aren’t a lot of reasons to just fictionalize stuff to random people like me, though it’s acceptable to fictionalize for the sake of speed and simplicity in a story, such as when you’re expressing a thesis that actually comes from a third party but possesses too much back story to explain quickly (which we’ll call the Klosterman Confliction for now). that, however, is more about how you represent someone else’s truth. if you’re lying, you’re either lying just for fun, like a poor man’s Dane Cook (who’s probably lying on two levels when you consider the question of “who wrote that material”), or to impress me. there’s really no need to impress me, especially when it makes you tell me some lies that are EASILY busted. let’s look at some of these!

Dane Cook versus janklow - the saga continues
one of these men writes his own material (essentially) and one of these men stole my fucking bee-fighting bit!

an incredibly brief, almost too brief to be useful, guide to fake stories
the following are paraphrased approximations of stories i’ve been told here and there.

tale one: “so, this one time i took my girl to a bar in Baltimore for her birthday, only, once we’re there she sees a guy she’s messing around with come in. so she tells me to go upstairs and get a table for us to shoot pool. but after 15 minutes, she hasn’t come upstairs, so i go downstairs and she’s not there, so i go outside and she’s talking to this guy. so i say “what’s up” and he says “mind your business” and i say “she is my business” and he tries to punch me in the face, so i sidestep and BAM! i knock him out with a punch. and then the bartender comes running out with his pistol in my face and yells “no fighting in my bar” so BAM! i knock him out with a punch. and then the dude’s getting back up so BAM! i knock him back out with a punch. then i take my girl by the arm and i take her home and she tells me the whole story and SMACK! i slap her and tell her not to ever do that again and then i sex her up seriously.”

analysis: now, i find it questionable that a bar has pool tables on the second floor, but in fairness, i guess that COULD actually happen. the key point where this story becomes clearly fake is, of course, the part where it ramps up and a bartender is rushing out into the street with a gun to defend against fighting INSIDE his bar OUTSIDE his bar … and gets knocked out with one punch. but really, you should know it’s fake from the jump when this guy says he took his girlfriend to a bar in Baltimore for her birthday. no self-respecting lady would accept that!

tale two: “yeah, when i was in the Coast Guard, you know, i was constantly raiding drug boats filled with pounds of drugs, but sometimes, they’d have us shoot at the boat’s motors to disable them, only we couldn’t use the .50 M60s on the bay, so i’d use my M-14, i mean, my M-4 to shoot at the motors, only i’d miss and shoot a few dozen times and end up sinking the boat. i’ve probably sunk dozens of boats. also, i’ve been shot by drug dealers doing this, see, one shot me in the shoulder with his pistol right here!”

analysis: troublesome is the constant making of factual errors (M60s are 7.62mm, not .50 caliber; confusing the rifles constantly, unstated here but still ridiculous claims of the potency of the 5.56x45mm round); what’s more subtle are the errors in logic: if you’re trying to seize boats, and you always sink them, why would you be allowed to do so DOZENS of times? however, the true proof that this is a fake story is that this guy works with me, and there’s no way you’d give up a real job busting drug dealers to come do THAT.

in fairness, the guys making up these stories are well-renowned for their constant lies, so most of the people that know them are suspicious from the jump… but still, come on. and that’s why i only make up random fictions (like being from Czechoslovakia) that are totally harmless and unimpressive and that i generally admit to during the conversation: because we’re trying to keep things light and fun, not impress people that don’t give a shit about you with stories we all KNOW are lies.

random but excellent blog moments and a range report you don’t care about

i don’t have a super-great update for the week (i’ve got an idea or two kicking around, but they remain a few steps away from being fully-formed), so i’m going to turn to the crutch of all bloggers – the list – to give you some blog-based greatest hits that you may not have read, but that i personally find amusing, to pass the time until you get bored and maybe read the range report below. so here we go!

(blog) hits you may have missed

Agent Zero: the Blog File
post in question: “I’m Starting in Vegas!”
recently, Gilbert Arenas, possibly THE most hilarious player in the NBA today, struck some comedy good with a joke about shark attacks he put on this blog that he admits to borrowing Carlos Mencia-style from Ian Edwards. however, my favorite remains the post where he makes the All-Star squad and then, to quote Gilbert: “So I woke my daughter up and we started dancing. She was crying because she was still sleepy, but I considered it laughing.” awesome.

Passion Of The Weiss
post in question: “The 10 Wrestlers You Watched When You Were A Kid That are Probably Gay”
the key point that i will cite in defense of how much this amuses me is that the ranking system totally abuses Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake – owner of the WORST wrestling alias of all time – and i love that. also, don’t worry, kids, the post claims Hulk Hogan is mind-numbingly heterosexual. so there’s that as well.

Sexy Results!
post in question: “school spirit….m*&!*$@’s!”
admittedly, you have to care a enough about rap music to get these jokes, but if you DO, then hopefully you will find this post about comparing college football programs to rap artists as hilarious as i do. and for those who DON’T know … Tulsa’s nickname is the Golden Hurricane. warning to 50% of my audience: it’s not kind to the Terps.

Status Ain’t Hood
post in question: “Rap’s David Banner Threatens to Kill Music Industry”
sometimes i say something about David Banner – that he has a cooler voice than Keith David, that i like his records, and so on – that people demand i explain. generally, my explanation refers to his awesome voice, his charity work, and the above blog post. as further evidence, let me cite it so that you’ll feel compelled to read it in full: “He rode some bouncer’s shoulders. He put some girl up on his shoulders. He jumped up on the bar. I’m pretty sure he told the crowd that he’d pissed in Diddy’s pool. And when the crowd still gave him a weak cheer at the end of his set, he screamed, “As hard as a motherfucker work, I’d rather have y’all boo me!”” seriously, David Banner is good stuff.

08.2007 range report

as stated some time ago, this week i decided to take my new Jericho/”Baby” Desert Eagle/whatever out on the farm for the purposes of shooting toilets.

target stand on the left, toilet on the right
off in the distance, we see the Kohler in its native habitat

we couldn’t resist getting right to this, but since we shoot at a distance that’s a bit long for pistols and a little short for rifles, we figured it would last a little while. but after we took one round of pistol fire from the four of us to it…

pistol rounds top a toilet every time
there’s nothing so depressing as destroying the coolest thing you have to shoot at right away

… it was just completely done. i know i should be pleased that we were all over it with our pistols and that said pistols decimated the target… but i still felt a sense of loss. so then we pounded the rubble of the toilet with some semi-automatic clones of battle rifles!

i still prefer regular wooden stocks to metal folding stocks
basically just an excuse to use a photo of me rocking an AK clone and the “Defend Brooklyn” shirt at the same time

pictured: the Hungarian AK and two AR-15s (Colt/RRA) used to decimate targets and toilet rubble; not pictured: my ancient Mosin-Nagant M38 (not semi-auto, but certainly Russian) and the PTR-91. for some reason, no two people i know own the same brand of AR-15; i personally own a Bushmaster, so that means Bushmasters are the best. there was also some pistol-shooting:

Jericho in action
no matter what is stamped on the side of the gun, it’s still awesome

our new Jericho/”Baby” Desert Eagle/whatever proved to an a fun and well-shooting 9mm pistol (which is only good if you don’t want to shoot a real man’s cartridge like .45 ACP), so i’d heartily recommend them to anyone who wants to get a 9mm based on the CZ-75 that’s made by Israelis and possibly has lame things like “Desert Eagle” stamped on it. we also had some snob guns:

sweet bandana time!
left to right: baby-killing FN Five-seveN, pricy Sig Sauer 299 in .357 SIG

…which is why is nice to bring someone willing to buy them. my recent Jericho purchase was one-upped by that FN Five-seveN purchase by a friend. note that the Five-seveN is so plastic that it feels like a toy, fires that same round the P90 does in accordance with some Belgian scheme, and, if i recall correctly, Sarah Brady claims that it shoots through police officer’s vests into nearby babies. i can’t confirm this as we had no babies nearby. the 229 is a nice gun; i just like to tease it because .357 SIG is a pricy round to fire (but what isn’t these days).

not pictured: two Glocks (21 and 36). because Glocks are crappy guns that jam and misfire and i don’t really care for them. not that they’re actually THAT crappy, i just like talking trash about them on the internet.

also, let me close with this advice: if you’re trespassing on an ATV and you hear people firing hundreds and hundreds of rounds of ammunition, i would advise you to not DRIVE YOUR ATV INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD. that is all.

from Israel with love… but none for John Singleton

before i dwell on issues that make some of us (as in, me) happy and some of us (as in, the rest of the internet) bored with the same-old, same-old nature of them, allow us first to try and share conversation about the director that i like to refer to as John Singleton.

JOHN SINGLETON: A CAREER OF DISAPPOINTMENT

for the sake of this discussion, we need to go back to 1991, when Singleton’s Boyz N Tha Hood had been released, and he’d just become both the youngest and the first black director nominated for best director. these were good times for Singleton, we raved about Boyz (unless our last names were Hughes, in which case we got bitter, made a slightly better film in the form of Menace II Society, and talked a little shit about Singleton) and we planned for his excellent film career. of course, we all SHOULD have seen this as a jinx and noted that the Hughes Brothers were ahead of their time. why? well, let’s look at what Singleton proceeded to give us in the years that follow (Michael Jackson videos that sucked excluded):

1991-1997
and to think that this row contains his two best films, easily

–Poetic Justice (1993): two years after the well-done and somewhat gritty Boyz, Singleton gives us this? Janet Jackson attempting to act? i liked that concept better the first time, when she was on Good Times and getting burned with an iron. and acting in regards to poetry? terrible. and i LIKE poetry.

–Higher Learning (1995): while i DO take serious issue with some of the plot points (cops would never stop to beat Epps for no reason when they could be making their careers by busting a sniper), the writing isn’t the problem here so much as the terrible direction. every scene makes me either notice a shitty shot or a shitty acting job.

–Rosewood (1997): wins the less-than-stellar award of being Singleton’s second best film of all time. at least it contains Ving Rhames and a horse named Booker T, things that could have improved most every other film on this list. and i HATE horses.

2000-2005
Richard Roundtree would be rolling over in his grave if he was, you know, dead

–Shaft (2000): several problems abound here. you can’t really remake a 1970s classic that got by on attitude and the style of the times when you bring neither to the table, and frankly, considering the fact that a) Shaft was never an action star and b) i think Samuel L. Jackson is twice as old as Richard Roundtree, hell, they should have just cast Roundtree as Shaft again.

–Baby Boy (2001): i’m just going to point out that i have never met a single person who was willing to defend this film, even to say that it didn’t suck, and i know people that have defended Belly. and Killa Season. i’m just sayin’.

–2 Fast 2 Furious (2003): so now Singleton is signing on to direct the SECOND of a series of hack films that sucked from the jump because they could never have been good films? i mean, a man’s got to eat and all, but seriously, this is a low move for any director who’s supposed to have skills and abilities to bring to the table.

–Four Brothers (2005): benefits from following Singleton’s worst works; suffers from having Detroit assassins leaping out of vans with German military hardware and Desert Eagles. i’m just saying that there’s a problem there.

to make matters work, i have to admit that when i go back and watch Boyz, while it’s still a very good film and technically solid and everything, it also has some moments – let’s take the montage during which Cuba Gooding Jr. is trying to get Nia Long to give him some sex – that make me cringe and wish their hasty removal. Cuba, i don’t know why Singleton thought we needed 10-minute-long reaction shots of you mugging for the camera, but he was WRONG.

IN DEFENSE OF JOHN SINGLETON

counterpoint: why i don’t really hate John Singleton – the reasons:

01. he still made a good movie once (Boyz N The Hood) and a decent movie later (Rosewood), so technically i can’t call him a one hit wonder;
02. he gave us the single greatest fictional name for a character of all time: Furious Styles. if i ever change my name, it will be changed to Furious Styles;
03. he pretty much follows the rule of always casting one guy (Laurence Fishburne, Ving Rhames) that i will enjoy even in movies that suck;
04. his next project is supposedly the Luke Cage (formerly Power Man) film, and everyone knows that Luke Cage is awesome;
05. even though his production track record is not great, he DID produce Hustle & Flow.

WHOOP THAT TRICK
Anthony Anderson = satisfaction

just the mention of “you Mormons is some brave motherfuckers” brings a smile to my face. yeah…

okay, now to the boring stuff:

SERIOUS TALK THAT MIGHT RELATE TO A GUN

and now, we welcome the newest member of janklow’s family, this IMI Jericho… or, okay, fine, this IWI Baby Eagle:

the metallic representation of the 'Never Again' concept
produced by Israelis, imported by Minnesotans, savored by Maryland nerd kings

he’s still very young, he’s from Ramat HaShron, Israel, and he likes 9x19mm ammunition (and i am saving some IMI “black tips” for his first birthday or some other special occasion).

upside for you anime-loving internet types: this is the pistol which is “carried” by cartoon icon Spike Spiegel in all those Cowboy Bebop episodes. true, it’s still not as cool as a data-filled Welsh corgi, but it’s a start. next stop for my anime collection: the Mateba revolver! one of the few automatic revolvers in existence! carried by Togusa in Ghost In The Shell!

i mean, okay, i admit, the concept is pretty cool and all...
the Mateba automatic revolver: somehow looks more out of place in reality than in anime

no, seriously, that’s not a good reason to collect handguns and the Mateba is ridiculously expensive anyway. scrap that plan.

as to the Jericho/Baby Eagle, on the downside, and this is total gun nerd talk here, it’s not some cool IMI Jericho, because even though it’s the same gun, they were only sold as Jerichos or Uzi Eagles back in the day. then, after IMI’s American buddies Magnum Research developed the Desert Eagle, they started to call their Jerichos “Baby Eagles” (and this was the name i bought it under). but to add insult to injury, some are stamped “Desert Eagle” … as mine is. this might only be funny if one knows how much i DESPISE the Desert Eagle. still, luckily, the Jericho is a very cool gun. but will it survive in the steel jungle of my other firearms?

DRAMA! (but with guns)
ISRAEL VERSUS GERMANY: THE CONFLICT CONTINUES

well, next week they’ll be undergoing a bonding exercise out here that i like to call “shooting a toilet in the middle of a field.” i don’t think there will be much payback involved; i don’t think the toilet’s German, though maybe it’s at least a Kohler or something.