fake stories told by liars: now on the internet!

at this point in time, you’ve probably digested enough of my incredibly original posts to realize that i, like the rest of us on the internet with time to ramble but a lack of self-defined structure, have an affinity for numbered and defined things like lists and “rules for life” and a style of martial arts that i have been developing called “Southern Maryland Praying Mantis,” which might not sound like much now, but which i’m sure can easily be used to defeat guys trained in things like savate.

wow, a French fighting style, real fearsome
the slaps and kicks of these Frenchmen are no match for my Southern Maryland Praying Mantis!

ANYWAY, one of these rules for life that i’ve developed which is a little more advanced than “women like to take your money if they can” and “seriously, don’t trust the white man” goes like this: there are two kinds of conversational cosmopolites at parties and get-togethers: the kind that everyone wants to talk to, and the kind who gets stuck talking to every random person around. the former is usual pretty cool or in possession of marijuana; the latter is me: i always get stuck chatting up some random-ass people instead of having a conversation i like, which means that i may just chatter randomly in response. now, okay, this is not a real burden, but it does mean two things that are the real topic of our blogging today:

01. i hear a lot of fictional stories from people who are trying to (randomly) impress me;
02. i’m sort of well-versed in detecting your fictionalizations as i make up my own.

generally speaking, there aren’t a lot of reasons to just fictionalize stuff to random people like me, though it’s acceptable to fictionalize for the sake of speed and simplicity in a story, such as when you’re expressing a thesis that actually comes from a third party but possesses too much back story to explain quickly (which we’ll call the Klosterman Confliction for now). that, however, is more about how you represent someone else’s truth. if you’re lying, you’re either lying just for fun, like a poor man’s Dane Cook (who’s probably lying on two levels when you consider the question of “who wrote that material”), or to impress me. there’s really no need to impress me, especially when it makes you tell me some lies that are EASILY busted. let’s look at some of these!

Dane Cook versus janklow - the saga continues
one of these men writes his own material (essentially) and one of these men stole my fucking bee-fighting bit!

an incredibly brief, almost too brief to be useful, guide to fake stories
the following are paraphrased approximations of stories i’ve been told here and there.

tale one: “so, this one time i took my girl to a bar in Baltimore for her birthday, only, once we’re there she sees a guy she’s messing around with come in. so she tells me to go upstairs and get a table for us to shoot pool. but after 15 minutes, she hasn’t come upstairs, so i go downstairs and she’s not there, so i go outside and she’s talking to this guy. so i say “what’s up” and he says “mind your business” and i say “she is my business” and he tries to punch me in the face, so i sidestep and BAM! i knock him out with a punch. and then the bartender comes running out with his pistol in my face and yells “no fighting in my bar” so BAM! i knock him out with a punch. and then the dude’s getting back up so BAM! i knock him back out with a punch. then i take my girl by the arm and i take her home and she tells me the whole story and SMACK! i slap her and tell her not to ever do that again and then i sex her up seriously.”

analysis: now, i find it questionable that a bar has pool tables on the second floor, but in fairness, i guess that COULD actually happen. the key point where this story becomes clearly fake is, of course, the part where it ramps up and a bartender is rushing out into the street with a gun to defend against fighting INSIDE his bar OUTSIDE his bar … and gets knocked out with one punch. but really, you should know it’s fake from the jump when this guy says he took his girlfriend to a bar in Baltimore for her birthday. no self-respecting lady would accept that!

tale two: “yeah, when i was in the Coast Guard, you know, i was constantly raiding drug boats filled with pounds of drugs, but sometimes, they’d have us shoot at the boat’s motors to disable them, only we couldn’t use the .50 M60s on the bay, so i’d use my M-14, i mean, my M-4 to shoot at the motors, only i’d miss and shoot a few dozen times and end up sinking the boat. i’ve probably sunk dozens of boats. also, i’ve been shot by drug dealers doing this, see, one shot me in the shoulder with his pistol right here!”

analysis: troublesome is the constant making of factual errors (M60s are 7.62mm, not .50 caliber; confusing the rifles constantly, unstated here but still ridiculous claims of the potency of the 5.56x45mm round); what’s more subtle are the errors in logic: if you’re trying to seize boats, and you always sink them, why would you be allowed to do so DOZENS of times? however, the true proof that this is a fake story is that this guy works with me, and there’s no way you’d give up a real job busting drug dealers to come do THAT.

in fairness, the guys making up these stories are well-renowned for their constant lies, so most of the people that know them are suspicious from the jump… but still, come on. and that’s why i only make up random fictions (like being from Czechoslovakia) that are totally harmless and unimpressive and that i generally admit to during the conversation: because we’re trying to keep things light and fun, not impress people that don’t give a shit about you with stories we all KNOW are lies.

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