’tis the season when our hero janklow’s most favorite person on earth (his grandmother) comes back from her summer vacation and we start going to some football games. here’s the backstory: my grandmother is a large Redskins fan. she has her season tickets and her jerseys and i’ve seen her take down a wall full of photographic family portraits to replace them with a massive Fathead depicting a Redskins helmet. she watches about four games a week on days she can’t go to a game, five games on weeks with Thursday games, and i believe that if you came into her house and insulted Darrell Green, she’d shoot you as remorselessly as she’d shoot suspected burglars and goats that i want to keep as pets.
yes, she would shoot these goats. yes, even though they’re babies. no goats allowed at her house! she says they stink from urine or something.
but i digress. the point is more this: she and i go to games and i see these blocks of various non-Redskins fans, who i proceed to observe and then later make fun of, sometimes here on the internet. and now, let’s have some of that.
NFL FANBASE OBSERVATIONS: THE JANKLOW EDITION
warning: there may be flashbacks to classic* posts going on here.
Cowboys: as much as i dislike the Cowboys, i will grant you this: it takes one devoted fan to buy season tickets to your rival’s stadium and then come to every game and root for whoever the Redskins are playing. plus, if Washington plays Philly or New York, no matter who wins, everyone walks outside and bonds by buying cheap t-shirts emblazoned with the legend “Dallas sucks, Jerry Jones swallows.” so, you know, that’s nice.
Eagles: sure, Raiders fans may stab you for coming to their stadium and rooting for the Chargers, but only Eagles fans will do hilarious and TOTALLY not over-referenced things like booing Santa and throwing batteries at players and the like. in my experience, they like to fight Redskins fans … but only the ones that are a) smaller than them and b) outnumbered by them. make up your own insulting joke about what that implies.
Giants: they’re not as hated as Cowboys fans or as violent as Eagles fans, but the Giants fans are easily more annoying – they get worked up early and talk more shit BEFORE the game than during it, regardless of who wins or loses or anything like that. they also bring out this father-son duo of Redskins fans who i believe to be the missing link between mankind and whatever amphibian L. Ron Hubbard believes grew into mankind, because they a) look like Ron Pearlman in Quest For Fire, b) look like Ron Pearlman in anything else (i mean, the dude’s one of my favorite actors, but LOOK AT HIM), and c) scream apelike gibberish and hurl food and what i believe to have been their feces at Giants fans. Giants fans, i will root for you guys to win a game if you will just take those assholes up to NYC and have someone shoot them to death. thanks in advance.
Redskins: okay, so i have a soft spot for them, but i also have a less-than-soft spot for the “riot kid” (from that August 2002 update), who looked like the pudgy kid from the Sandlot, though with the addition of a visor, and kept trying to convince me to “riot” with him if the Redskins lost. the high point would have been seeing him get shot by the police. there’s also a lot of pointless rednecks amongst the Redskins fanbase making “jailbird” jokes about the Ravens. look, guys, i GET your jokes, i just don’t want to hear them 13000 fucking times, okay?
IF WE LOSE, WE’RE STARTING A RIOT UP IN THIS JUNK! A RIOT! RIOT!
Ravens: at the most pointless attempt at a “rivalry” game ever (Redskins-Ravens), i did get a chance to see a small group of pudgy rednecks in Ravens jerseys and purple-tainted urban camo fatigue pants yelling “REDSKINS FANS ARE COCKSUCKERRRRSSS” down into a random crowd. here in the Baltimore area, we call this “classy.”
Dolphins: Dolphins fans, you guys behave pretty well, but let’s get this straight right now – make noise when your DEFENSE is on the field, quiet down when your OFFENSE is on the field. freaking out and yelling “GO FINS” because Redskins fans are trying to make noise for their defense’s benefit defeats the whole purpose. and, hey, no one thinks Dan Marino actually sucked. everyone just knows it makes you guys emotional.
49ers: sometimes, i go to a game and a fight breaks out, and everyone goes “WHOOO” and tries to see who was fighting where, and if the winner roots for the same team they do. usually, what happens is that either one side was out of line and gets escorted out, or a guy or two from both sides does. but the key is that the fight’s between opposing fans who went a little far with their shit-talking …except for the 49ers fans, who i once saw get into a huge brawl WITH EACH OTHER and then get tossed out. that’s when you realize that you’ve sunk a little low, guys.
Chargers: okay, i hate you all because, well, you think you’re better than the Raiders. however, one of your member did easily win the label of “worst fan of all time.” there’s really nothing i can do here other than quote this terrible tale of woe again (to some extent):
so, the week after i went and watched the Raiders came out here and won, i returned to FedEx Field to watch the Redskins lose to the Chargers. which is bad enough, but even better, i have now met the worst fan ever: the “fuck you in the ass guy” at FedEx Field.
…so we’re in the bathroom and there’s banter going on, and the guy in front of me remarks to a Chargers fan, with a big smile on his face, that the Redskins are going to win. at this point, the Redskins ARE winning (they would, of course, later lose in overtime). and “FYITA man” hears this and chimes in.
so, for the record, here’s the deal: when visiting fans go to a stadium, they can either a) banter good-naturedly and take as much shit as they give until the end of the game; or b) act like assholes. his selection?
FYITA man: “hey, man, fuck you, weâ€™’e going to walk all over your Redskins!”
Redskins fan: “i don’t know, it’s not looking so great for the Chargersâ€¦” (accurate, because at the time, Brees was rattled as fuck)
FYITA man: “hey, why don’t you shut the fuck up and go in the stall and sit to piss, motherfucker, because the Chargers are going to fuck you in the ass!”
Redskins fan: (to the Redskins fan next to him) “i hate it when guys come here and try to be assholes.”
FYITA man: “get in the stall and shit semen, man, that’s what you guys will do because we’re going to fuck you in the ass, man, fuck you in the ass, the Chargers are fucking you in the ass today, there’s going to be ass fucking tonight when the Chargers are fucking you up in your ass, LT’s going to fuck your ass, man, he’s going to run in your ass and fuck your ass and there’s going to be fucking in your ass, man, fucking fucking in your ass when the Chargers are fucking your ass!”
Redskins fan: “………….”
seriously, this guy ranted about the Chargers “fucking you in the ass” so much and so long that it was creepy. it wasn’t foul, it wasn’t “gay,” it wasn’t excessive – it was just WRONG. because it wasn’t about the team proverbially fucking the other team in a metaphorical ass, it was â€¦ it was like a militantly homosexual filibuster trying to will a victory over the Redskins by summoning the spirits of the San Diego Superchargers to LITERALLY run a 52-man train and have anal sex with this one specific Redskins fan. i mean, if Quentin Jammer was to have run into that men’s room, slammed that Redskins fan into a urinal, pulled out his penis and FUCKED the guy, that Chargers fan would have been yelling “this is what i love, man, the Chargers fucking people in the ass, man, semen!”
AND I THINK IT SUCCEEDED.
i also think this is the single most vulgar post i have ever made on the internet.
note: i selected Quentin Jammer for this joke because, in addition to him being a defender, his name also works well in a hilarious homosexual rape situation
yeah… so there’s really nothing i can add there except to say “unfortunately, that shit really happened.”
Raiders: SALT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING EARTH.
i’ve been to some other games here and there, but that’s basically what i’ve got for you all. i can’t help it that Panthers fans and Seahawks fans and whoever else out there is just boring and non-hilarious, now can i?
*classic, as in the ancient Latin word meaning “old posts from HOH that no one ever read.”