tales from the stands of FedEx Field II: redundancy theater

okay, so i’m coming back to the tired topic of “things i’ve noticed about fans at football games” after a mere two weeks, i admit, but i just went to this Redskins/Lions game and there’s some things we should talk about. including larger social issues!

THINGS NOT TO DO IF YOUR TEAM WINS THE FOOTBALL GAME

Mike Sellers is still no Zack Crockett
luckily, Kennedy’s body was thrown clear on impact, so he would survive this accident

here’s the thing: if you win a game, by a lot, you’re supposed to be, you know, magnanimous in victory. this means that you’re NOT supposed to drink 20 beers and then scream in Lions fans faces attempting to make them fight you, and this means it’s not necessary to throw bottles at them. and if you DO think it’s necessary to throw bottles at them, don’t, because here’s the results of the two bottle incidents i personally saw:

01. bottle thrown at white trash Lions fan, result: bottle hits random middle-aged Redskins fan 10 feet away in the head;
02. bottle thrown at Lions fan’s car, result: bottle smashes all over and dents Redskins fan’s burgundy SUV.

you guys clearly can’t handle the “be turbo-assholes that throw shit” thing the way the Eagles fans can, so just stop it now, okay? and really, of all the fans to pick on, Lions fans? they of one of the worst owning families (the Fords) in all sports, they of Matt Millen and Charles Rogers? seriously, these were the saddest fans i have ever seen in my life BEFORE the game. they couldn’t even get excited when they felt they might have a chance to win! take it easy on them.

i recognize that it’s maybe asking a lot of a group of people who i’ve identified in the past as including the missing link between “humans” and “whatever you call inbred people from the Appalachians,” but seriously, guys, at least make an effort.

THINGS NOT TO DO IF YOU’RE A LIONS FANS

well, at least Detroit is a vibrant, thriving metropolis!
seriously, do these look like the kinds of fans you really need to “put in their place” on the RARE occasion that you see their team lose a game?

well, you know, like i said, the Lions fans were well-behaved. the worst ones fell victim to the classic moves of “cheering loudly at your offense because you’re mad at the crowd making noise to distract your offense” and “getting drunk and cheering that your team made the opponent punt when you’re down by three touchdowns.” this list should really read like this:

01. have hope for the future, ever;
02. see #1.

sorry, dudes. i know it’s not any consolation that Matt Millen was a good linebacker back in the day.

THINGS NOT TO DO… UH… EVER

SUPERMAN THAT HOE
i am also including “buy this record” and “wear those sunglasses” on my “things not to do ever” list

you know when you’re at a game, or ANYWHERE, with your girlfriend or fiancee or wife or whatever you call the woman you don’t want to cut your penis off while you’re asleep and throw it out the window of a moving car, and you see a good-looking woman in the area? okay. what you should NOT do in this scenario is lean in front of your GR/F/W/”don’t cut my dick off, lady” in order to blatantly stare and remark things like “damn” or “whooo” or whatever, you drunk redneck.

also, white people, write this shit down: stop dancing ridiculously to Soulja Boy’s “Crank That (Soulja Boy).” to begin with, it’s a terrible song and no one should be dancing to it, period, so maybe i shouldn’t be singling out the white folks. still, there’s few things in life sadder than watching some 35-to-40-year-old man trying to “Superman that hoe.” i’m going to start wailing on people with a cricket bat when i catch them doing this shit.

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