in which we give thanks for the American right to be totally lazy

since i spent my pre-Thanksgiving baking a tower of pies so large that to stack them up and sit on top of them would force God to make you speak Romanian because, you know, he’s a prankster like that, i have no real update. i’m sorry, i fail, i know. and i don’t even have a great wild turkey fight story either! so, instead, enjoy this blast from the past (08.22.2003) about my asshole ex-boss. i think i was telling this story at work the other day. good times…

now, i’m about to relate to you a story from a local newspaper around these parts that makes me very, very happy. but before i do, you have to understand something. see, my job before my bag-swabbing festivities was customer service for an express shipping reseller, at which i had a boss named Chance, AKA Constanza. i admit, if you don’t know anything about him, this won’t seem as good.

i’ll go a little further and say that my ex-boss Chance is basically like George Costanza from Seinfeld, but with some white hair instead of no hair. he lies, he steals, he cost the company so much money they laid off everyone that didn’t own part of it, and he went to the bathroom loudly and odor-ly in a small office area.

anyways, so, my mother’s friend, who was my old office manager, tells her that “Chance is going to jail.” so, of course, when this news trickles back to me, i get all excited, even though my mother doesn’t know WHY. i suppose it’s worth telling that, once, he got drunk and drove his car into a tree in someone’s yard, THEN drove off, THEN drove back and got arrested by the police. ADDITIONALLY, that caused the following: we’re at work, and Chance’s lawer calls, and i transfer him to my office manager.

office manager: can i help you?
chance’s lawyer: yes, is Craig Walgran there?
OM: no, i’m afraid he’s out of town on business.
CL: oh… because he’s due in court in TWO HOURS.
OM: ahahaha

then she told me about it and i said “ahahaha.” somehow, though, he didn’t get in trouble for this, which leads me to believe that he might have the best lawyer of all time. in the end there’s lots of shady shit this fuck did and lots of hilarious lectures people gave him, but my mother passed a local newspaper on to me, and it had this article i HAVE to share with you, and so i tracked it down and here it is.

Jilted lover sentenced for assault on rival
By BRIAN M. SCHLETER Staff Writer
An Annapolis man who police said crept into the Harwood home of a woman he was dating and severely beat her 77-year-old ex-husband as he slept was sentenced yesterday to a month in jail.
A lawyer for Craig Chance Walgran, 50, said his client flew into a fit of rage when he arrived at Leah Holland’s house at 4565 Polling House Road on Thanksgiving night and found Peter Prins of Annapolis sleeping in her bed.
Walgran has since gotten over the relationship and is not a danger to commit further crimes, Annapolis attorney John A. Adams said.
But Assistant State’s Attorney Frederick M. Paone said Walgran’s attack was premeditated, shockingly violent and deserving of a stiff punishment.
He played a series of profanity-laced voice mails Walgran left for Ms. Holland hours after the attack in which he threatened to finish what he started. The language was so obscene that it prompted a deputy sheriff in the courtroom to ask a woman in the gallery to take her young daughter outside.
“You tell that old man this is just the beginning. … I will (expletive) kill him, I promise you,” Walgran said in one message.
Later, after police called his house, he left Ms. Holland another message saying, “I love you. I wish I didn’t. Any normal man would walk way from this entire crazy scenario. But I can’t because I love you.”
After he was arrested for assault and burglary, he made one final call from jail, telling Ms. Holland, “I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
“What we’re hearing is the rantings of a dangerous, desperate man,” Mr. Paone told the court.
Walgran initially posted a $35,000 bond and was released. But his bail was revoked in January when he violated a no-contact order. For that he received a year of probation. A telephone harassment charge is pending in District Court.
Walgran entered an Alford plea to misdemeanor assault and first-degree burglary charges June 3. Technically a guilty plea, it allows him to maintain his innocence while admitting the evidence against him would likely result in a conviction.
According to the account given to police by Ms. Holland and Mr. Prins, Walgran used a key to enter the house and then cut the power off in the basement. Mr. Prins was awakened by his dogs just in time to see a man rushing at him in the dark.
He suffered a broken nose, a torn ear and a concussion that led him to develop vertigo.
“I could hear the skin crack and felt blood rush down my face,” he said.
Walgran said he went to Pennsylvania at Ms. Holland’s urging to celebrate the holiday with relatives. Later that day she called him and invited him to spend the night with her.
“I deeply regret this incident. It is out of character,” he said. “I guess matters of the heart do sometimes produce an unusual circumstance.”
Judge Manck suspended the balance of a three-year sentence, giving Walgran credit for eight months spent on house arrest.
Ms. Holland and Mr. Prins, who were married for 17 of the 30 years they’ve been friends, said Walgran got off easy.
“It’s just a real kick in the stomach,” she said.
Mr. Smith said the sentence was fair, given that most of the facts were in dispute.

in other words, FUCK YEAH, LOCK THAT BITCH UP.

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