happy holidays, internet!
fittingly, my Oakland Raiders stocking is sad and empty, except maybe for tears
once again it’s the time of year for bad weather and children to demand TOYS TOYS TOYS! listen up, you little brats, the problem is that you don’t get beat enough! you don’t need toys! when i was your age, i walked through 5 miles of snow just to get to toys, but then again, i wasn’t allowed to buy anything because we needed all of my child-labor wages for coal to heat our house. so you think about that, you little ingrates!
photo of janklow’s childhood christmas, circa 1890
where was i… oh yeah, anyway, generally speaking, i hate the holiday season, which i consider to end around St. David’s Day (which is like St. Patrick’s Day for the Welsh, so it’s all about drinking as far as i am concerned) after beginning around, say, Halloween (all about drinking in a robot costume). at this point, i mostly get a lot of sass along the lines of “but janklow, why do you hate the holidays?” well, i have my reasons! okay, so, the reasons:
working on the holidays: so, look, i get that you American holiday-lovers want to travel through the air to take smoked turkeys (that are so god-danged JUICY) to your loved ones in Montana and the like; i can respect that, you know, it’s the season for family and all. and actually, i like to work on the holidays and be safely away from potential family dramabombs and the like. what i DON’T like, however, is when people pack bags filled with 99.5 pounds of gift-wrapped packages and ingredients for dinner into their baggage and travel ON the holiday (rather than before or after). i AM going to have to open your packages and food, you see, so what i’d recommend is that you pack the paper and NOT wrap your gifts, and then call ahead and ask Aunt Sally to run to the damn store and pick up that super-rare salt for you. please.
holiday music: i don’t like the super-early start to the Christmas season that we get IMMEDIATELY after Thanksgiving; i especially don’t like the fucking Christmas music. unless it’s the dogs barking Jingle Bells, TURN THAT SHIT OFF. and don’t turn it on again. (and if it’s the dogs barking Jingle Bells, okay, you can play it once.)
family drama: so, you know, my general policy on the holidays is to go to work and root through people’s bags all day long, but on occasion i’m actually off and then i have to figure out how to handle dealing with the family, because they’re not all as awesome as my grandmother. my standard policy is to start drinking shortly after i get up and stop drinking shortly before it kills me; anything in between is “safer” in a medical sense, but not necessarily “safer” in a holiday sense. i will just say that ridiculous family drama that did NOT involve me still resulted in me enduring, during the 2007 christmas celebration, one of, if not THE, most awkward moments in family history. luckily, i was safely lubricated with alcohol, so like a drunk in a car accident, despite the horrifying crash, i was thrown clear and survived!
but, i don’t want to sound like a total curmudgeon here (lest i get attacked by Carol Kane and a hooded ghost and end up freaking out like Bill Murray in some holiday film), so let me just say that i WILL admit to an occasional bit of holiday awesomeness:
“not suitable for children under 3 years”: truest words spoken about this toy yet!
it’s a zombie playset! come on, if that doesn’t say merry christmas, then what the hell does?