alright, everyone, it’s now time for an intense moment of clarity – there are basically three things that i’m really good at: getting rip-roaringly rip-rockingly drunk, cracking jokes that are intensely (and i hate busting out the word ‘intense’ again already in this piece, but there it is) dependent on the circumstance in which the joke is being told, and rocking the dance gift that Our Father In Heaven gave to the white man, the Robot. even if my Robot does look suspiciously like your Robot. fuck off, alright, i’m the most original dude of all time!
anyway, so while the latter two points might be clear, the first might not be, not least because it smacks of that 17-year-old moron, “i was the MAN in high school,” getting-drunk-just-to-be-drunk mentality. i acknowledge the apparent weakness of the thesis, but hey, there it is: i have survived some rough times with the help of my good friend Alcohol and i have survived some rough times CAUSED by my good friend Alcohol with what i can only term as a combination of basic Boy Scouts preparedness and a little something i like to call a “Swiss Army Knife.” you might have heard of them, they’re great, they have, like, spoons and scissors and shit in them.
ANYWAY, while consuming a large amount of alcohol (i refrain from calling it “my good friend Alcohol” here to avoid the homoeroticism that personification would slam me with, whatever), i have learned some things. and i would like to share these things with you.
also, DISCLAIMER FOR FUTURE EMPLOYERS: yeah, i know this isn’t the kind of thing one is supposed to talk about on the internet, but a) we’re talking years-ago-in-college shit, and South Park tells me it’s okay to go nuts in college and then clean your act up, and b) i already work for TSA. so if you do a background check on me and discover that i work for a non-respected, mocked-constantly, dildo-swabbing agency, i mean, what the fuck, it’s going to make it WORSE that i drank some alcohol like it was my job and my second job at the same time? seriously? i mean, fuck, i have a degree in ENGLISH. you know i HAD to drink to make that happen.
and now, the wisdom:
while i assure you that the Power-C Vitamin Water will do you no wrong either going up or coming down…
Power-C Vitamin Water tastes just as good coming up as it does going down
i discovered this completely inadvertently after drinking a large amount of beers, not actually being drunk, drinking a bottle of Power-C, going to sleep, and then waking up because i felt a little ill (for obvious reasons) and then throwing up off a deck. it was pretty unpleasant, all things considered. and yet, what i realized during the vomiting was this: that Vitamin Water REALLY TASTED THE SAME COMING BACK UP. i don’t know if this is good (because of the pleasant taste) or bad (because of the creepiness of Vitamin Water’s chemicals resisting the nature of my stomach and its associated acids in order to retain flavor), but either way, isn’t that awesome?
head butting isn’t painfully, but instead, it’s totally awesome!
this actually came from a combination of sober advice on how to “correctly” head butt people (as in, where a head butt hurts and where it doesn’t, both in terms of where it’s delivered and what part of the head is used to strike) and a combination of a St. Patrick’s Day outing with an Irish sidekick of mine. did we drink? well, yeah, he’s Irish and i’m part Irish and if there’s one thing an Irishman knows how to do, it’s drink and drink and REGRET NOTHING. and before this St. Patrick’s Day went horribly wrong, we did spend a fun part of the day getting tuned up and then head butting the HELL out of each other in a bar. and it was pretty painless! side note: people shouldn’t go drink on St. Patrick’s Day, because it’s strictly amateur hour, just like New Year’s Eve. let’s make St. David’s Day our new drinking holiday!
Hank Williams (or whatever C&W artist you like) is a motherfucking GENIUS
when i feel bad and then drink to cheer myself up (which always works, though in a temporary way, of course), it’s always like that episode of King Of The Hill where Bobby breaks up with Marie (voiced by Sarah Michelle Gellar) and then proceeds to be depressed and lie on the floor of the living room in jeans and no shirt while listening to country and western music (or maybe blues, whatever). and then Hank Hill says “well, at least the boy’s taste in music has improved.” granted, i don’t wear jeans (they’re not comfortable!) and i try to always keep a shirt on (i’m not Right Said Fred!), but i DO notice that when you’re really sad and you’re knocking back the drinks to forget about it … well, Hank Williams is making all kinds of sense he never made before. that’s all i’m saying. though, to be fair, i’m more of a Johnny Cash/Steve Earle/Townes Van Zandt man myself. it’s just that none of THEM made songs with all-too-appropriate titles like “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry.”
…i make you no such promises about the liquid of Satan himself known as tequila.
don’t drink tequila
all i know about this liquid that i assume is composed of 10% agave and 91% devil’s blood (yeah, yeah, my math is fucked, but, well, listen, supernatural drinks don’t have to abide by the laws of nature, okay?) is that if you drink it for any reason, at any time, in any amount, evil shit will happen. like, stuff i don’t even want to attempt to describe, mainly because i’m not sure it all actually happened and if it DIDN’T, i’m going to look completely ridiculous talking about this time that a six-legged goat manifested itself to me in a clearing in the woods and promised to reveal to me all the secrets of the modern world, and that when i rejected it’s alluring-but-clearly-demonic offer, it attempted to fight me … BUT WAS DEFEATED IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT AND BANISHED TO HELL! really! come on, you really don’t think that happened? fuck. but that means that what i ALSO learned while getting really, really drunk was:
it’s easy to make up totally awesome stories!
unless you believed that devil-goat thing. in which case, uh, this one is a joke. yeah. let’s keep it moving.
in conclusion, let’s not look down on this “wisdom gained through drinking” concept, you sober internet lovers! Dylan Thomas would TOTALLY have my back on this one! and who’s going to tell a Welshman who drinks like it’s his job that he’s wrong, you? because i’m certainly not going to!