big trouble in little … nostalgia

i have to make a disclaimer here that i am prohibited from talking about a certain John Carpenter movie this week on the grounds that i have talked about it for the past two weeks (for the reason that it is AWESOME) and, accordingly, it is not to be talked about a third week in a row under penalty of me getting body slammed into the ground in the way that Quinton “Rampage” Jackson would slam an opponent. now, some of you might not be too phased by this, but here are a few things to take into account: a) i am very small, b) i am fragile and would break on impact like a porcelain cat if i WAS to be body slammed, and c) if it wasn’t clear, the guy doing the slamming is a big guy. he picks up airport tugs single-handedly and turns off heavy machinery with head butts!

also, did i just compare myself to a porcelain cat? ugh.

anyway, instead of my regularly-scheduled topic, i have a new one that should hopefully prevent me from getting my ass kicked and maybe also contain 1-3 jokes: things i get a little nostalgic about!

sampling in rock records
so, recently i have decided to crank some of the aggressive records (mainly in the industrial or metal genres) that i once listened to fairly frequently in the 1990s before this awesome thing called hip-hop took complete control of my body and soul, and one thing i’ve noticed is that these albums contained a fair amount of awesome, random samples on songs. now, maybe this is also a case of me not being completely in touch with the genres mentioned above currently, but it strikes me that this was something that got phased out, at least as far as the bands in question go (let’s just cite Biohazard, Marilyn Manson, Ministry and White Zombie for examples here). case in point: it’s completely excellent that Biohazard’s title track “State Of The World Address” kicks off with a sample about Dante seeing the gates of hell; one album later, i don’t recall ANYTHING like this going on Mata Leao (and i even manned up and listened to it to be fairly sure of this). and it’s not like these bands got better because they dropped this sampling concept, so what i have to ask here is… where the fuck did my samples go?

choruses in hip-hop records
i remember the last time i listened to Ice Cube’s AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted in full – while driving to and from work in a sweet Honda Civic – because i proceeded to have a conversation with someone at work about how i couldn’t listen to it anymore without getting nostalgic for the days when rap artists didn’t feel a need to have fucking choruses all the goddamn time. seriously, listen to a track like “the Bomb” and what do you get? more sampling in the way that’s missing from my rock records, Ice Cube going nuts in a series of verses … and no fucking choruses. in fact, it highlights what SHOULD be placed between a rapper’s verses: friends of said rappers talking nonsense. i guess this kind of thing died out around the mid-1990s or so.

my favorite actors not being in movies that suck
you know, it’s really getting annoying. like, i love Robert De Niro’s work to death, and it’s not like you should really have to hear a lot of static if you can say to someone “hey, man, i starred in Mean Streets, Taxi Driver, the Godfather Part II, and Raging Bull. what the fuck have you done with YOUR life?” but i’m also willing to concede that appearing in a movie about Rocky & Bullwinkle sort of takes some of the sting out of that remark. plus, if you’re not broke and you don’t have an agreement with the SAG to appear in EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE like Samuel L. Jackson does, there’s really no reason to pollute your legacy. i mean, when De Niro’s getting some lifetime achievement award, does he really want to overhear someone in the crowd saying “wasn’t he in Showtime?”

and, in standard house of hate news, we have a new member of the family: this old model Steyr M40 (not to be confused with the Steyr M40-1A or whatever they call them now)!

Steyr M40
it’s Austrian, but luckily, it’s not a Glock, so there’s that

yes, that is correct, in a span of like 4 months i went from having no .40 S&W-caliber pistols to having more of them than any other handgun caliber. though, in fairness, i was actually looking to get a Steyr M9 when i bought this gun.

pros: very pleasant price; very comfortable feel; made by Austrians to give you that “German without being German” flavor; doesn’t have the homoerotic combination of saying Mannlicher in large letters and Cumming, GA as the city of origin.

cons: bought it used, so there’s no manual (downloaded one from Steyr) and no key for the internal lock (which really doesn’t matter because it’s not locked and i will never lock it); weird manual safety; since it’s the original run and not an 1A, magazines and the like are harder to get (and i will need to get 1-2 magazines for it); weird sights.

Steyr M40 sights
figures that these Austrians have to be SO FUCKING CLEVER with their sights

they’re actually not bad, but they’re definitely weird. so it goes.

losing my (fictional and based on movies) religion

about a year ago, i expressed the desire to create a new religion based around the teachings of the fictional characters played by Sam Elliott (which i assume to be a direct reflection of Sam Elliott’s personal beliefs). while i still feel that this is a solid basis for a religion (it compares well to bullshit like Scientology, anyway), i have to admit that, about a year later, i feel a little empty, like my life lacks direction and needs, dare i say it, religious guidance, though not in the way that makes one move to Guyana and drink some guy’s poisonous grape Flavor Aid. so i’ve decided to cobble together a few of the notions i’ve been considering in the hopes that maybe someone on the internet will point out the one true way to me. let the games begin!

Sam Elliott versus Kurt Vonnegut Jr
one of these men is a great source of wisdom trapped behind a mustache; the other is Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Elliottism
core beliefs: well, like i said, it’s based around things said (and done) by fictional characters played by Sam Elliott.
pros: filled with wise, pithy statements; hilariously described by awesome dudes on the internet; catchy name
cons: Tombstone was not a very good movie, and Sam Elliott was accidentally in it for some reason; religion seems “old and tired” a year after its creation

i admit i still have a soft spot for Elliottism, but you know how it is, sometimes you need a change of pace. still, it’s hard for me to think of the narration from the Big Lebowski in any way that DOESN’T involve it directing my spiritual well-being. so it’s a tough choice to make.

Bokononism
core beliefs: living by the untruths that make one happy, called foma; the religion, including its texts, is formed entirely of lies, but if you believe and adhere to these lies, you will live a happy life.
pros: instant literary nerd credibility; created by someone of consequence and thus not based on nonsense that comes out of janklow
cons: eh, ever since Timequake i have pretty much stopped worshiping at the altar of Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

you know, there’s something appealing about going with a English major’s type of religion, something really nerdy and based on the work of a notable author, but like i said, my love affair with the man’s books has cooled. further, Vonnegut himself probably wouldn’t like me basing an organized religion on some things he wrote, so i guess i’ll have to respect the wishes of the old guy and turn this religion down.

Boo Berry versus Lo Pan
yes, this shitty image is supposed to be a religious icon; no, that’s not Egg Chen, but i cannot resist that photo

Church of the Holy Cereal Ghost
core beliefs: in comparison to the Father (as in, God) and the Son (as in, Jesus), the Holy Ghost gets totally neglected, and it’s maybe time we had a religion that set things right?
pros: awesome ghost-based iconography; seems sort of related to “legitimate” religious beliefs; possible General Mills sponsorship
cons: the Holy Ghost is a vague, hard-to-describe concept; Boo Berry lacks the drawing power of Count Chocula; possible General Mills lawsuit

so, i kind of have to admit that the whole basis for THIS theological system was a desire to make a photo similar to what’s above; since i look at it and realize how bad it sucks… well, let’s just keep it moving.

whatever Egg Shen was talking about in Big Trouble In Little China
core beliefs: a mixture of Buddhism, “Confusionism,” and Taoist black magic; we take what we like and throw the rest away
pros: adventure doesn’t come any bigger! or something
cons: seriously, we’re talking about this movie two weeks in a row? get a fucking room

aha! this is the answer! the one true way! i’ll see things no man can see, and do things no man can do! and i’ll have a very positive feeling about it! new religion, here i come!

milkshake drinkin’ and quotation stealin’

sometimes, you know, you don’t luck out and have Keith David appear in your film. i know, i know, this is a bitter pill to swallow, but on the other hand, we have to accept the fact that there ARE other reasons to watch films … and in my opinion, one of these is to get saucy material to quote again and again until people tell you to shut the fuck up already with that noise. or, better, join in and help you misquote scene after scene as a team effort. good times! and so, without further ado, it’s janklow’s 13 films he most loves to quote.

these... people
after an exhausting evening like this, you know what would hit the spot? YOUR MILKSHAKE!

13. There Will Be Blood (2007)
favorite quote: “here, if you have a milkshake, and i have a milkshake, and i have a straw. there it is, that’s a straw, you see? watch it. and my straw reaches across the room and starts to drink your milkshake, i drink your milkshake! i drink it up!”
it’s going to be SO played out in about 13 seconds before i post this sweet blog update (luckily, no one will read this and care), but this film is sneaking onto my sweet list for the ages because of the whole “I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE” noise. come on, you can’t tell me you saw this movie if you don’t feel a need to rush around your home or place of business pointing in a sassy manner at people and telling them that you’ll drink their milkshake, you’ll drink it up! actually, i like to diversify slightly and quoting other stuff about oceans of oil and hating people and everything, but let’s be fair and recognize what takes the quotation crown here.

12. Taxi Driver (1976)
favorite quote: “loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. in bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. there’s no escape. i’m god’s lonely man.”
now, you have to understand that Taxi Driver is my favorite film of all time, and that i really appreciate the crazy, ominous rambling that goes on throughout it. the fact is, though, that you can only ask people if they’ve seen what a .44 Magnum will do to a woman’s pussy a limited number of times before they start to, at the very least, develop some serious concerns about you; accordingly, i cannot place this film THAT high on my “awesome to quote list.” and even beyond that insanity, well, let’s be frank about it, there’s not much in the way of “upbeat remarks” that are coming out of a quote from this film. so it goes.

11. Red Dawn (1984)
favorite quote: “boys … AVENGE ME!”
holding down its spot here on the list simply because i have yelled “wolverines!” more than 1,000,000 times since this film was first viewed by myself during my impressionable, grade school days. i sort of wish this was a hilarious joke that i’m telling here, but, well… anyway, it’s probably also worth noting that it’s a great thing to, as a friend or co-worker is walking away from the scene, to get their attention and then passionately yell for them to avenge you. i’m just sayin’.

10. Heat (1995)
favorite quote: “’cause there is a dead man on the other end of this fuckin’ line.”
this film is, in some respects, about a crew of criminals and the cop(s) that pursue them, but in others, it’s a collection of bad-ass dudes saying bad-ass things about getting wet when it rains and people having their heads all the way up great asses and, generally, trying to outdo each other in terms of bad-ass remarks. as far as i can tell, De Niro’s job isn’t so much to rob banks or armored cars as it is to out-quote the criminal element(s) of Los Angeles, and i can think of few things better for him to do with his time.

09. Blazing Saddles (1974)
favorite quote: “hey! where’s the white women at?”
one little-known fact is that i’m not a huge fan of comedies, because, well, laughing and having a good time goes against my deeply-held belief that life is a miserable marathon that we have to endure before the sweet release of death, no matter WHAT Bobby Hill may or may not have to say about his “it’s okay to feel good” notion. so, accordingly, comedies won’t have much of a place on my notable quotables list. that being said, Blazing Saddles is quotable as all hell, what with all the loose talk about not jumping around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots and raping the shit out of women at the number 6 dance. huh, on second thought, i realize that it was probably a lot more acceptable to quote this film in 1974 than it seems to be in 2008. oh well!

08. the Departed (2006)
favorite quote: “i’m the guy that does his job. you must be the other guy.”
a better name for this film would probably have been Scorsese Project Where Wahlberg And Baldwin Trade Awesome, Sassy Quotes That Will Be Stolen By Janklow, though, in fairness, that’s a little too wordy, not to mention the fact that it includes a reference to a random guy no one gives a fuck about (aka Alec Baldwin). anyway, it’s given us gems about the first pussy in the history of pussy and fire, immaculate records, black guys not needing help to get fucked in Boston, and all good looking women being cops. and i can use these in almost any situation! it’s quotation gold!

these... Mormons
it’s times like these, with the success or failure of your embryonic rap career staring you in the face, that you need good leather

07. Scarface (1983)
favorite quote: “how would i get a scar like this eating pussy?”
yeah, yeah, Scarface is overloved and overquoted because of all the nonsense about saying hello to his little friend and not getting high on your own supply and all that. BUT THESE ARE STILL GREAT QUOTES, it just happens that people decided to run them into the ground because of the adrenaline rush that is this fun-because-it’s-so-crazy film. that all being said, i personally prefer to quote the lesser-loved lines, what with Tony explaining how he got his scar and Omar talking about “sticking your heads up your asses quicker than a rabbit gets fucked” and all that.

06. Amadeus (1984)
favorite quote: “i will speak for you, father. i speak for all mediocrities in the world. i am their champion. i am their patron saint.”
Amadeus has to make a list like this – much as it made the update about three films you should watch or whatever the hell i was talking about that time – because i feel compelled to go to bat for a film that was good enough to win all those Oscars, and which i love so much, and yet gets snubbed and snubbed again by this current generation, AKA the AFI. anyway, there’s a good collection of lines about mediocrities, flames of woe and god that i’m able to use to bitch and moan about my life. or something. if only i gave a shit about classical music, because then there’s a chance i’d be talking about bassoons and have a chance to quote this film again!

05. the Big Lebowski (1998)
favorite quote: “hey, careful, man, there’s a beverage here!”
we now come to the second (and last) comedy that i find a need to quote constantly. perhaps the fact that the Dude wanders aimlessly through an incredible series of adventures makes for great, random quotes in response to whatever situation you find yourself in; additionally, i can tell you that pretty much anything Sam Elliott lays on you here – say, something about it being darker than a black steer’s tuchus on a moonless prairie night – works in most any situation you feel the need to narrate something. maybe it’s just that i spend a lot of my time instructing people to watch out for my beverages and not to worry about nihilists, who knows.

04. Hustle & Flow (2005)
favorite quote: “you Mormons are some brave motherfuckers.”
so, at work myself and a co-worker or two may have disgusted the rest of the airport by obsessively quoting every conversation in this film repeatedly; me, i think it was good times, but i suppose history has shown that i can go a little overboard as far as talking about good leather and walking the walk versus talking the talk and everything else in that vein goes. but damn it, you show me another movie wherein Anthony Anderson is getting exasperated over changing phrases like “beat that bitch” into something radio-friendly, and i will show YOU another movie i want to talk about all the time! everything DJay says is pretty much cold-blooded or (relatively) deep, so it’s a good mix of quotations. that’s all i’m sayin’.

03. Road House (1989)
favorite quote: “pain don’t hurt.”
like all movies that you suspect might be bad before you realize they are, in fact, deeply profound (see also: Marked For Death), Road House is pretty composed of nothing but Patrick Swayze’s glistening hair, beatdowns piled on beatdowns piled on wild, crazy, knife-booting, throat-ripping beatdowns … and notable quotes. i’m just going to say it like this: “i used to fuck guys like you in prison” is in the top 5 “crazy henchmen quotes” of all time, and Patrick Swayze is not so much a cooler or a bouncer as he is an ancient Asian philosopher of bar management (and you guys thought them mentioning his character’s philosophy degree was just a throwaway joke). just remember: some people are too stupid to have a good time. think on that, Buddhists!

02. Big Trouble In Little China (1986)
favorite quote: “you were not brought upon this world to ‘get it’!”
note: i’m going from a ridiculous movie a colleague of mine (shout out to J.Millz here) loves to one he absolutely hates, but he’ll just have to deal with it. one of my current life goals (of which i have about thirteen, including “buy guns,” “buy additional guns,” and “drink so much alcohol that my body travels back in time to the American Revolution and slays some redcoats alongside George Washington”) is to memorize the speech Kurt Russell gives at the end of the film while driving his truck; instead, i mainly settle for offering up shots with the notation that they will allow us to “see things no one can see, do things no one can do.” seriously, an all-American guy with an Asian sidekick gets mixed up in a crazy adventure filled with wisecracks and magic, all while carrying a pistol? now i know why i’m so depressed, THIS is what my life was supposed to be like.

better you that me
pictured above: not necessarily one of the finest human beings you will ever know… unless, of course, you want to throw hand grenades at him every moment of his life

01. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
favorite quote: “these people we wasted here today … are the finest human beings we will ever know. after we rotate back to the world, we’re gonna miss not having anyone around that’s worth shooting.”
sometimes, in my darkest moments, i like to think that god sent the archangel Gabriel (in that he’s generally the kind of guy that handles this kind of thing) to tell Stanley Kubrick to go ahead and make this film so that his good buddy janklow would have something to quote OBSESSIVELY when he was feeling blue. the catch, of course, being that i quote it when i’m happy as well. almost every scene, even the crazy-ass narration, is super-quotable and, let’s get serious here, as much as i prefer the second half of the film to the first (yeah, my grandfather and i are the only two people in America that think this and, yes, i made my grandfather watch FMJ), there’s NOTHING better than R. Lee Ermey’s material for quoting in a scream at co-workers, especially fatbody co-workers.

so now you guys know what i’m always yelling, because if you think i’m about to write original material, you are SORELY mistaken!

janklow’s animal kingdom: now with more horse!

yes, you read it correctly: i have now increased my respect for horses from roughly 1-2% to a grand total of 7%. i attribute this to one really awesome horse story that we’ll get to in time; i hate to be a tease like this, but i figured that the one person reading this might think “he doesn’t want to kill and maybe eat all horses anymore? janklow’s gone soft!” well, friends, i assure you that while i still have a lot of disdain for what my noble Zulu ancestors called “the feet of the white man,” i have a good reason. but on with this week’s update!

ANYWAY… it’s probably common knowledge that, aside from horses, i have many a kind word for animals out there, so i wanted to take a minute of your time and relate some of my most favorite animal stories. and yes, i might even work in a tale from that most favorite, old book of mine, James Clarke’s 1969 opus, Man Is The Prey. i think i got this book when i was in middle school, but that might not be totally accurate. so, okay, animal time!

MAN IS THE PREY
the awesome book in all its glory; further note the corner of the book that Cujo gnawed as a puppy to give the book extra man-eating flavor

African/Cape buffaloes
in the above, oh-so-awesome book, Clarke talks about a lot of animals that have spent their time just destroying the lives and/or faces of mankind around the world, and one of these underrated but man-killing animals is known as the African buffalo (or Cape buffalo). for some perspective, note that out of the “big five” of African game, a group that includes the African elephant, the black rhinoceros, the lion, the leopard and said buffaloes, the buffalo is considered the most deadly (and possibly the most unpleasant). it’s huge and it’s equipped with a heavy boss and horns; it’s awesomeness is pretty evident, right? if not convinced, let me tell you a tale that Clarke, uh, wrote in a book about an acquaintance that was killed by a buffalo he and another hunter had hit ELEVEN times.

“the first shot was a bad heart shot at two hundred yards. the buffalo then turned around and looked along its nose toward the hunters. the buffalo, having good eyesight, soon spotted them and charged full bore. it was then hit with the second barrel of the .270 (a favorite rifle among old-timers but for buffalo a little risky). the buffalo showed no reaction and continued its charge as the bullet buried itself in its shoulder. the hunter swapped guns and rashly pumped off two brain shots, which he could hear ricocheting off the heavy boss that protects a great deal of the buffalo’s head from the front. he then–at one hundred yards–slammed a shot into the animal’s right shoulder, and it went down for the first time. in an instant it was up and charging again. he then raked it with a sixth shot. his companion, who was carrying a .333, put the seventh shot into the animal’s right shoulder, breaking it. the buffalo went down but rose quickly and charged. another shot hit the same shoulder and the buffalo stumbled but still came on. the hunter, who had started it all, tried a spinal shot through the neck, missed badly at about twenty yards, and had a near miss at about fifteen yards, but this shot brought the animal down again and it struggled to regain its feet. then it came on again. the second hunter put a shot through its chest, which felled it instantly. it was a perfect frontal heart shot and the two men, both a little shaken, for the buffalo was lying but ten paces away, shook hands. the first hunter walked over to his trophy and placed his foot on it for the camera. the buffalo lurched to its feet, knocked the man down, pummeled him into the ground, and then fell dead. the hunter died instantly.”

so, again: shot eleven times and still killed half the guys shooting it … FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. awesome.

yellow-crested cockatoo
okay, okay, seriously now, with all due respect: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS BIRD’S HEAD?

cockatoos
while i do find many birds amusing, that’s a sentiment i generally restrict for birds i find completely awesome for obvious reasons (crows, ravens, vultures, cassowaries, maybe parrots) and birds that spend a lot of time fucking up small animals and demanding your respect (hawks, owls, eagles, and so on). and let’s get serious here: cockatoos have been gifted with one of the WORST possible names for a bird – you might as well call them “dickfors” and just start the mockery immediately. still, a tale happened a few years back that a) involved a cockatoo and b) demands respect. the story?

apparently, one Kevin Butler – who owned a cockatoo named Bird (very original) after Larry Bird (oh okay) – was attacked and killed on Christmas Eve (in, i think, 2001) by two men, Johnny Serna and Daniel Torres. following this, the two men were violently attacked by, you guessed it, Bird. now, Bird was killed with a fork – and apparently lost a leg somehow – but here’s the catch: the blood found on the beak of said bird was matched to Torres and the case was cracked. so not only did this bird man up to an extent far greater than, say, a house cat ever would, but it ALSO solved a murder case … FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. also, i gather that cockatoos act up by “screaming and biting.” holy shit, that sounds awesome too!

feet for the white man
verdict on horses: STILL LAME

horses
so those of you that know me might know that i have a checkered history with a few members of the animal kingdom, namely cardinals, wild turkeys, deer, house cats and, of course, the (ig)noble horse. true, the horse has manned up and carried many a military figure with a lot more going for them than i into combat… and that’s why i kept that baseline 1-2% respect for horses. let’s face it, for every Charlemagne that Joshua Chamberlain was extorting men to suck it up for 10 seconds of hell on the back of, there’s about 13000 asshole fuckwad horses with more breeding paperwork than common fucking sense. so it’s without great pleasure that i have to relate that i was struck with an awesome, awesome horse story.

the scene: February 7-8, 1807, the battle of Eylau (located in East Prussia). one of Napoleon’s captains, the Baron Marcellin de Marbot – a splendidly fearless and conceited Frenchman – was riding a mare named Lisette that was renowned for its bad temperament and was supposedly cured of this (for now) by the jamming of sizzling hot joints of mutton into her mouth. yes, i agree, that makes no sense, but hang in there. Marbot would charge through a myriad of Cossacks to a square of the 14th Infantry in an attempt to save it, find that impossible (by the admission of said 14th) and attempt to take back their standard. here it gets wild, for Marbot would be mildly wounded and concussed by shot, and then find his horse trapped by Frenchmen being pressed against him. a Russian, trying to stab a dying Frenchman beneath Marbot’s horse, would accidentally wound Lisette. the reaction? “she sprang at the Russian, and at one mouthful tore off his nose, lips, eyebrows and all the skin of his face, making of him a living death’s head, dripping with blood.” she would then freak out and bite and kick all the way through the melee, stopping to bite and EVISCERATE a Russian officer on the way. Marbot was wounded – this would happen to him 13 times in his life – but he and the mare survived. now, i don’t know about you, but if a horse bites a dude’s face off and then rips a dude open and god knows what else… well, then fuck it, my hat comes off to it. let’s just hope this story is true!

so, well, i guess that’s enough animal stories for this week. tune in next time when i talk about… uh… well, maybe movies or something. i think i used up all my funny animal stories.

the passion and the glory of Keith David

i hate to play this kind of cop-out card when it comes to actually writing one post a week, but in fairness to myself, i had this post planned out in which i was going to make fun of a hospital and some graffiti therein and the events overtook me and i don’t really have the materials with which i was going to work. granted, it might be hard to imagine that i put THAT kind of effort into this nonsense, but i swear it’s true. i don’t know that i can get anyone to testify to this… but it is. so, instead, let’s talk about my all-time favorite Keith David movies! in chronological order!

AMERICA LOVES KEITH DAVID
not only do we get excited to speak of Keith David, but Keith David is excited that we could be made so happy to talk about him!

the Thing (1982)
it’s weird how early in his career Keith David got to work in both the Thing and Platoon, but i guess it be that way sometimes. anyway, the remake of the Thing was a pretty sweet deal and it has a wild and wonderful alien, lots of tense scenes and plot twists, and a nice, defeat-within-victory ending that i won’t spoil for anyone here that hasn’t seen the film – which, when you consider that the Thing contains both Wilford Brimley AND Aliens, is a group that should include NO ONE – which features Keith David. it’s good stuff; hell, it’s one of the reasons why you can’t say a remake is ALWAYS a bad idea.

Platoon (1986)
as a great consumer of war films, i have heard all the arguments over Platoon, and still, i have to say, Oliver Stone might be a fucking drug-abusing, conspiracy-loving weirdo, but he can still make a damn film movie, all in all (though you might want to get other perspectives on his positions later). Keith David’s in here as one of the few untainted, “good” characters, living up to the “grunt” ideal that Sheen talks about before he starts smoking pot and ends his non-sexual love affair with Tom Berenger. he gets called dumb, but he takes it with a smile; he might have gotten shipped involuntarily, but he makes it out, and with a smile.

They Live (1988)
i was explaining to someone a week or so ago about why they should watch this film, and it forced me to talk about how it starred Keith David and Roddy Piper and was about their fight against a secret alien takeover that involved glasses that allowed camouflaged aliens to be seen and, as i just noticed on re-watching said film, a Desert Eagle. so i can see how this is not without its negative aspects, but it’s also worth noting that this film features what i BELIEVE to be the longest on-screen fight (it clocks in at 5 minutes and 20 seconds) … and it’s all over Piper trying to make Keith David wear the aforementioned sunglasses and Keith David refusing to (though he eventually does). yes, that’s right, they fight for five minutes over wearing a pair of alien-revealing sunglasses. i don’t care what it sounds like, you should watch this film!

AMERICA DOES NOT LOVE EVIL ALIENS
okay, granted, Keith David is not pictured above, but see what i’m saying about how awesome a film They Live must be?

Road House (1989)
Road House is so awesome that even though Keith David is barely in it – i think he’s maybe in one scene – it has to make the list. it’s also worth nothing that he somehow got a full name for his character (Ernie Bass), despite the fact that it can’t possibly matter because he does so little in this film. still, when the magic of Road House and Keith David collide, well, i don’t want to be left out, do you?

Marked For Death (1990)
i have made fun of this terrible, terrible film many times, so i probably don’t need to repeat myself (even though Steven Seagal researched the voodoo ALL BY HIMSELF, because he’s a big boy now), but it’s worth saying that when i talk about how i’ll watch any film with Keith David in it when it comes on simply because, you know, Keith David’s in it, this is the primary example: Marked For Death is AWFUL, but Keith David is not.

Clockers (1995)
a great book made into a cool film by Spike Lee (who has his moments with me, this being one of them), said film also stars Keith David as a housing cop who pretty much spends all of his scenes berating and physically beating Mekhi Phifer (which is sad for Mekhi, but great for us). did you not want to see a film where Keith David beats young men when they’re not supplying him with mattresses for youth gymnastic purposes? i didn’t think so!

BANKS THAT DON'T LIKE GETTING ROBBED STILL LOVE KEITH DAVID
i don’t know why Keith David would associate with such riff-raff, but Keith David does have a soft spot for the common man.

Dead Presidents (1995)
playing an older hustler to Larenz Tate’s impetuous youth, Keith David has his best moment in a scene where he mixes it up with a man who owes him money and who tries to trip him, only to grab the wrong leg (Keith David’s character has a wooden one). we don’t get to see a lot of him when Tate decides to go to Vietnam and watch Bokeem Woodbine go out of his mind – i mean, when people are keeping severed heads for luck, it’s generally a little bit out there – but when we get back to the US we go back to a lot more of Keith David and assorted crimes.

There’s Something About Mary (1998)
okay, brief appearance again, but you can’t tell me it’s not priceless when he’s flipping out as to how Ben Stiller could have gotten his franks and beans arranged the way he did.

Requiem For A Dream (2000)
as much as i like this film (and the book), i’m always resistant to praise it for fear some musclebound nut jobs will start yelling “ASS TO ASS IS AWESOME” and ruin the whole conversation. and we can’t really talk about Keith David’s role as Big Tim without it maybe coming up, because, let’s face it, he’s been known to use someone’s heroin addiction to make them look at ass to ass in a whole new way. still, the scene where he cracks this huge, Keith David smile might just be my favorite Keith David moment ever. that’s all i am saying.

AMERICA LOVES KEITH DAVID
GET EVERYONE ON THE PHONE AND TELL THEM THAT KEITH DAVID WANTS TO TELL THEM THANK YOU FOR LOVING HIM

in closing, Keith David is awesome and i apologize for my lack of production.