sometimes, you know, you don’t luck out and have Keith David appear in your film. i know, i know, this is a bitter pill to swallow, but on the other hand, we have to accept the fact that there ARE other reasons to watch films … and in my opinion, one of these is to get saucy material to quote again and again until people tell you to shut the fuck up already with that noise. or, better, join in and help you misquote scene after scene as a team effort. good times! and so, without further ado, it’s janklow’s 13 films he most loves to quote.
after an exhausting evening like this, you know what would hit the spot? YOUR MILKSHAKE!
13. There Will Be Blood (2007)
favorite quote: “here, if you have a milkshake, and i have a milkshake, and i have a straw. there it is, that’s a straw, you see? watch it. and my straw reaches across the room and starts to drink your milkshake, i drink your milkshake! i drink it up!”
it’s going to be SO played out in about 13 seconds before i post this sweet blog update (luckily, no one will read this and care), but this film is sneaking onto my sweet list for the ages because of the whole “I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE” noise. come on, you can’t tell me you saw this movie if you don’t feel a need to rush around your home or place of business pointing in a sassy manner at people and telling them that you’ll drink their milkshake, you’ll drink it up! actually, i like to diversify slightly and quoting other stuff about oceans of oil and hating people and everything, but let’s be fair and recognize what takes the quotation crown here.
12. Taxi Driver (1976)
favorite quote: “loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. in bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. there’s no escape. i’m god’s lonely man.”
now, you have to understand that Taxi Driver is my favorite film of all time, and that i really appreciate the crazy, ominous rambling that goes on throughout it. the fact is, though, that you can only ask people if they’ve seen what a .44 Magnum will do to a woman’s pussy a limited number of times before they start to, at the very least, develop some serious concerns about you; accordingly, i cannot place this film THAT high on my “awesome to quote list.” and even beyond that insanity, well, let’s be frank about it, there’s not much in the way of “upbeat remarks” that are coming out of a quote from this film. so it goes.
11. Red Dawn (1984)
favorite quote: “boys … AVENGE ME!”
holding down its spot here on the list simply because i have yelled “wolverines!” more than 1,000,000 times since this film was first viewed by myself during my impressionable, grade school days. i sort of wish this was a hilarious joke that i’m telling here, but, well… anyway, it’s probably also worth noting that it’s a great thing to, as a friend or co-worker is walking away from the scene, to get their attention and then passionately yell for them to avenge you. i’m just sayin’.
10. Heat (1995)
favorite quote: “’cause there is a dead man on the other end of this fuckin’ line.”
this film is, in some respects, about a crew of criminals and the cop(s) that pursue them, but in others, it’s a collection of bad-ass dudes saying bad-ass things about getting wet when it rains and people having their heads all the way up great asses and, generally, trying to outdo each other in terms of bad-ass remarks. as far as i can tell, De Niro’s job isn’t so much to rob banks or armored cars as it is to out-quote the criminal element(s) of Los Angeles, and i can think of few things better for him to do with his time.
09. Blazing Saddles (1974)
favorite quote: “hey! where’s the white women at?”
one little-known fact is that i’m not a huge fan of comedies, because, well, laughing and having a good time goes against my deeply-held belief that life is a miserable marathon that we have to endure before the sweet release of death, no matter WHAT Bobby Hill may or may not have to say about his “it’s okay to feel good” notion. so, accordingly, comedies won’t have much of a place on my notable quotables list. that being said, Blazing Saddles is quotable as all hell, what with all the loose talk about not jumping around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots and raping the shit out of women at the number 6 dance. huh, on second thought, i realize that it was probably a lot more acceptable to quote this film in 1974 than it seems to be in 2008. oh well!
08. the Departed (2006)
favorite quote: “i’m the guy that does his job. you must be the other guy.”
a better name for this film would probably have been Scorsese Project Where Wahlberg And Baldwin Trade Awesome, Sassy Quotes That Will Be Stolen By Janklow, though, in fairness, that’s a little too wordy, not to mention the fact that it includes a reference to a random guy no one gives a fuck about (aka Alec Baldwin). anyway, it’s given us gems about the first pussy in the history of pussy and fire, immaculate records, black guys not needing help to get fucked in Boston, and all good looking women being cops. and i can use these in almost any situation! it’s quotation gold!
it’s times like these, with the success or failure of your embryonic rap career staring you in the face, that you need good leather
07. Scarface (1983)
favorite quote: “how would i get a scar like this eating pussy?”
yeah, yeah, Scarface is overloved and overquoted because of all the nonsense about saying hello to his little friend and not getting high on your own supply and all that. BUT THESE ARE STILL GREAT QUOTES, it just happens that people decided to run them into the ground because of the adrenaline rush that is this fun-because-it’s-so-crazy film. that all being said, i personally prefer to quote the lesser-loved lines, what with Tony explaining how he got his scar and Omar talking about “sticking your heads up your asses quicker than a rabbit gets fucked” and all that.
06. Amadeus (1984)
favorite quote: “i will speak for you, father. i speak for all mediocrities in the world. i am their champion. i am their patron saint.”
Amadeus has to make a list like this – much as it made the update about three films you should watch or whatever the hell i was talking about that time – because i feel compelled to go to bat for a film that was good enough to win all those Oscars, and which i love so much, and yet gets snubbed and snubbed again by this current generation, AKA the AFI. anyway, there’s a good collection of lines about mediocrities, flames of woe and god that i’m able to use to bitch and moan about my life. or something. if only i gave a shit about classical music, because then there’s a chance i’d be talking about bassoons and have a chance to quote this film again!
05. the Big Lebowski (1998)
favorite quote: “hey, careful, man, there’s a beverage here!”
we now come to the second (and last) comedy that i find a need to quote constantly. perhaps the fact that the Dude wanders aimlessly through an incredible series of adventures makes for great, random quotes in response to whatever situation you find yourself in; additionally, i can tell you that pretty much anything Sam Elliott lays on you here – say, something about it being darker than a black steer’s tuchus on a moonless prairie night – works in most any situation you feel the need to narrate something. maybe it’s just that i spend a lot of my time instructing people to watch out for my beverages and not to worry about nihilists, who knows.
04. Hustle & Flow (2005)
favorite quote: “you Mormons are some brave motherfuckers.”
so, at work myself and a co-worker or two may have disgusted the rest of the airport by obsessively quoting every conversation in this film repeatedly; me, i think it was good times, but i suppose history has shown that i can go a little overboard as far as talking about good leather and walking the walk versus talking the talk and everything else in that vein goes. but damn it, you show me another movie wherein Anthony Anderson is getting exasperated over changing phrases like “beat that bitch” into something radio-friendly, and i will show YOU another movie i want to talk about all the time! everything DJay says is pretty much cold-blooded or (relatively) deep, so it’s a good mix of quotations. that’s all i’m sayin’.
03. Road House (1989)
favorite quote: “pain don’t hurt.”
like all movies that you suspect might be bad before you realize they are, in fact, deeply profound (see also: Marked For Death), Road House is pretty composed of nothing but Patrick Swayze’s glistening hair, beatdowns piled on beatdowns piled on wild, crazy, knife-booting, throat-ripping beatdowns … and notable quotes. i’m just going to say it like this: “i used to fuck guys like you in prison” is in the top 5 “crazy henchmen quotes” of all time, and Patrick Swayze is not so much a cooler or a bouncer as he is an ancient Asian philosopher of bar management (and you guys thought them mentioning his character’s philosophy degree was just a throwaway joke). just remember: some people are too stupid to have a good time. think on that, Buddhists!
02. Big Trouble In Little China (1986)
favorite quote: “you were not brought upon this world to ‘get it’!”
note: i’m going from a ridiculous movie a colleague of mine (shout out to J.Millz here) loves to one he absolutely hates, but he’ll just have to deal with it. one of my current life goals (of which i have about thirteen, including “buy guns,” “buy additional guns,” and “drink so much alcohol that my body travels back in time to the American Revolution and slays some redcoats alongside George Washington”) is to memorize the speech Kurt Russell gives at the end of the film while driving his truck; instead, i mainly settle for offering up shots with the notation that they will allow us to “see things no one can see, do things no one can do.” seriously, an all-American guy with an Asian sidekick gets mixed up in a crazy adventure filled with wisecracks and magic, all while carrying a pistol? now i know why i’m so depressed, THIS is what my life was supposed to be like.
pictured above: not necessarily one of the finest human beings you will ever know… unless, of course, you want to throw hand grenades at him every moment of his life
01. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
favorite quote: “these people we wasted here today … are the finest human beings we will ever know. after we rotate back to the world, we’re gonna miss not having anyone around that’s worth shooting.”
sometimes, in my darkest moments, i like to think that god sent the archangel Gabriel (in that he’s generally the kind of guy that handles this kind of thing) to tell Stanley Kubrick to go ahead and make this film so that his good buddy janklow would have something to quote OBSESSIVELY when he was feeling blue. the catch, of course, being that i quote it when i’m happy as well. almost every scene, even the crazy-ass narration, is super-quotable and, let’s get serious here, as much as i prefer the second half of the film to the first (yeah, my grandfather and i are the only two people in America that think this and, yes, i made my grandfather watch FMJ), there’s NOTHING better than R. Lee Ermey’s material for quoting in a scream at co-workers, especially fatbody co-workers.
so now you guys know what i’m always yelling, because if you think i’m about to write original material, you are SORELY mistaken!