about a year ago, i expressed the desire to create a new religion based around the teachings of the fictional characters played by Sam Elliott (which i assume to be a direct reflection of Sam Elliottâ€™s personal beliefs). while i still feel that this is a solid basis for a religion (it compares well to bullshit like Scientology, anyway), i have to admit that, about a year later, i feel a little empty, like my life lacks direction and needs, dare i say it, religious guidance, though not in the way that makes one move to Guyana and drink some guy’s poisonous grape Flavor Aid. so i’ve decided to cobble together a few of the notions i’ve been considering in the hopes that maybe someone on the internet will point out the one true way to me. let the games begin!
one of these men is a great source of wisdom trapped behind a mustache; the other is Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
core beliefs: well, like i said, it’s based around things said (and done) by fictional characters played by Sam Elliott.
pros: filled with wise, pithy statements; hilariously described by awesome dudes on the internet; catchy name
cons: Tombstone was not a very good movie, and Sam Elliott was accidentally in it for some reason; religion seems “old and tired” a year after its creation
i admit i still have a soft spot for Elliottism, but you know how it is, sometimes you need a change of pace. still, it’s hard for me to think of the narration from the Big Lebowski in any way that DOESN’T involve it directing my spiritual well-being. so it’s a tough choice to make.
core beliefs: living by the untruths that make one happy, called foma; the religion, including its texts, is formed entirely of lies, but if you believe and adhere to these lies, you will live a happy life.
pros: instant literary nerd credibility; created by someone of consequence and thus not based on nonsense that comes out of janklow
cons: eh, ever since Timequake i have pretty much stopped worshiping at the altar of Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
you know, there’s something appealing about going with a English major’s type of religion, something really nerdy and based on the work of a notable author, but like i said, my love affair with the man’s books has cooled. further, Vonnegut himself probably wouldn’t like me basing an organized religion on some things he wrote, so i guess i’ll have to respect the wishes of the old guy and turn this religion down.
yes, this shitty image is supposed to be a religious icon; no, that’s not Egg Chen, but i cannot resist that photo
Church of the Holy Cereal Ghost
core beliefs: in comparison to the Father (as in, God) and the Son (as in, Jesus), the Holy Ghost gets totally neglected, and it’s maybe time we had a religion that set things right?
pros: awesome ghost-based iconography; seems sort of related to “legitimate” religious beliefs; possible General Mills sponsorship
cons: the Holy Ghost is a vague, hard-to-describe concept; Boo Berry lacks the drawing power of Count Chocula; possible General Mills lawsuit
so, i kind of have to admit that the whole basis for THIS theological system was a desire to make a photo similar to what’s above; since i look at it and realize how bad it sucks… well, let’s just keep it moving.
whatever Egg Shen was talking about in Big Trouble In Little China
core beliefs: a mixture of Buddhism, “Confusionism,” and Taoist black magic; we take what we like and throw the rest away
pros: adventure doesn’t come any bigger! or something
cons: seriously, we’re talking about this movie two weeks in a row? get a fucking room
aha! this is the answer! the one true way! i’ll see things no man can see, and do things no man can do! and i’ll have a very positive feeling about it! new religion, here i come!