doppelganger: duplex’s favorite word!

as we all know, one of the fastest ways to describe someone is to tell people what celebrity or near-celebrity or former celebrity or person of note or whatever the person you’re trying to describe happens to look like. and unlike most people’s nonsensical references to celebrities – i can think of a priceless example where someone said that the movie Braveheart was exactly like their life – it’s a pretty solid one, especially when someone else is responsible for the referencing. unless it comes to fat girls claiming people tell them they look like the hottest ladies on the planet All The Time, because, come on, fat girls, you know that’s not even true.

and as you can probably guess, people have used the same method to attempt to describe the awesome force that is janklow, with results that … well … vary. it’s really not my place to make claims like “none of these guys i supposedly look like are beautiful enough for it to be said that they look like me,” because a) that’s some conceited bullshit and b) i’m prohibited by a large, large man from calling guys beautiful. seriously, i would get thrown through the air like a rag doll and let me tell you, that part of it’s not nearly as bad as the “landing” portion. so let’s just make with the comparisons.

Kowalczyk versus janklow
“i wish something would break/’cause we’re running out of time…”

Ed Kowalczyk (that lead singer from the rock band Live)
theory espoused by: most people that know me that find themselves in a “hey, what celebrity do you think i look like”-themed conversation, women
similarities: both of us hail from the mid-atlantic region and admit a grudging respect for Tricky’s trip-hop stylings; both respect the awesomeness of a shaven head
key differences: ability to sing songs; many photos of Kowalczyk on the internet have him wearing a pink shirt, whereas i never wear a pink shirt
commentary: in fairness, this might actually be the closest match of any of these guys; as in, it’s the one LEAST likely to make people affect a quizzical expression and say “what? no way.” so that’s got to count for something.

Bennington versus janklow
“now what the hell are you waiting for? (can i get an encore, do you want more)”

Chester Bennington (that singer from the rock band Linkin Park, no, not the guy that likes to rap, that’s Mike Shinoda, the other one)
theory espoused by: people that want to be different from the Kowalczyk-selectors in “hey, what celebrity do you think i look like”-themed conversations (seriously), less-astute women than those previously mentioned theorizing
similarities: shockingly, once again, a skinny physique and short hair; frequently found hanging out near guys that like rap music
key differences: well, obviously, if i was a vocalist from Linkin Park, i WOULD be “the guy that likes to rap”; also, lucky for me, i am not the victim of sexual abuse or the possessor of crazy earrings; once again, ability to sing songs
commentary: well, despite their terrible name, i like Linkin Park more than Live, but Bennington looks “goofier” than Kowalczyk and i’m going to have to side with the less-goofy doppelganger.

Ludacris versus janklow
“grew up a fucking screw-up, got introduced to the game and fucking blew up”

Christopher Bridges (also known as Ludacris, which is an admittedly catchier abbreviation)
theory espoused by: my sister and random black girls that she’s worked with in various situations
similarities: appreciation for bass drums and a dislike for Bill O’Reilly and Pepsi
key differences: ability to rap along with music; despite my claim that “all i have to do is stay black and die,” i might not actually be black; lack of a team of fat girls throwing guys around in the street on my behalf
commentary: i would like to run with this selection on account of it being the most “awesome” of those on the list (and, as seen above, live a lifestyle in accordance with the “Get Back” video, but the group promoting it is notably smaller than the Kowalczyk supporters and, frankly, i’m not fully equipped to rock either an afro or cornrows.

Buscemi versus janklow
“and as for this non-college bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin’ type, ’cause if you’re expecting me to help out with the rent you’re in for a big fuckin’ surprise”

Steve Buscemi (the actor/fireman and not the non-existent band of the same name)
theory espoused by: people on the internet who are not known for their excellent vision or accuracy of theories
similarities: i guess we’re both little weird spazzy guys who sometimes appear around larger, angry, bearded gentlemen
key differences: …are you kidding me? well, fine, i was never a firefighter
commentary: so, i’d like to think this was a semi-insulting, never-intended-to-be-that-accurate joke suggestion, but in the event that i’m wrong about that, well, he IS a good actor who appears often in films and shows i enjoy. so that’s got to count for something.

Bin Laden versus janklow
“FIVE OF DIAMONDS!” (okay, this isn’t an Osama reference, but hey, not everyone can get EVERY joke)

Osama Bin Laden (also known as Usama Bin Laden, UBL, and the guy who knocked the towers down and got Ghostface all pissed off)
theory espoused by: various employees at an airport, possibly including a screener who made remarks to this effect while wanding me
similarities: enjoyment of fierce beards and camouflage clothing; disdain for “the West” and their erotic nude dancing parlors
key differences: i have seldom, if ever, directed the mass-murdering of people and/or the crashing of massive aircraft; less of a beard
commentary: i have also been compared to Abd al-Baqi Abd al-Karim Abdallah by airport employees, which, by virtue of being more specific, was also legitimately funny in the ways it played out, whereas this Osama thing is at best poorly-aimed humor. although i admit i am a little jealous of his ready supply of AK-74SUs and team of devoted employees. i tell you what, with millions of dollars and some zealous staffing, i could get a lot done in a day!

so that’s that. i guess we’re going with Kowalczyk.

Raiders Of The Lost Ark: new viewing interpretations

recently, i took a break from telling outrag- i mean, telling totally true stories about fighting and killing dinosaurs in my yard to watch Raiders Of The Lost Ark, a viewing choice that i admit was inspired by that episode of South Park where Spielberg is yelling at Tweak to “blow it back to god!” now, a brief disclaimer: this is the order in which the movies rank in terms of quality: gold medal – Raiders; silver medal – Temple Of Doom; bronze medal – Last Crusade. and Short Round is awesome. anyway, since i have watched Raiders before, this viewing allowed me to ruminate on some various aspects of the film that i don’t feel have been discussed enough. let us continue those notions here!

“are people aware that Sallah is not what he’s supposed to be (an Egyptian or Arab or whatever) and is in fact what he is (a Welshman)?”

the mystery of Sallah continues
careful, Indiana Jones … i think your helpful Arab sidekick has something to hide

now, i grant you, this notion might be partially based on the fact that John Rhys-Davies is, in fact, Welsh, and thus among the salt of the earth (also known as Welshmen). still, he seems weirdly out of place in this Arab land of Egypt. he doesn’t look like the Arabs around him, or even his fictional children, and since i have to assume you could have found SOME Arab guy to play Sallah, it makes me suspect something is up. further, when excited or pleased, he bursts into song, which we all know is the trademark of the Welsh. for further evidence, see Zulu: when confronted by mortal danger and overwhelming odds, the Welshmen … sing and sing some more, and apparently this leads them to victory, because they have top tenors or something. so the question is this: in the Indiana Jones universe, is Sallah actually Egyptian or an Arab or anything like that? or is he just a totally random Welsh guy that hangs out around Cairo in order to assist Indiana, much like the very random Jock at the beginning of the film. who is this “Jock?” what does he want? where is he going? it’s all very mysterious.

“in the world of Indiana Jones, if there’s terrorism in the modern world similar to ours, was it caused by Indiana in Cairo?”

and this is where the terrorism got its start
as onlookers stare with horror, Indiana Jones declares war on the cleaned laundry of Cairo

i basically assume that Indiana Jones lives in a world very similar to ours, albeit one filled with an increased number of magical artifacts and zany hijinx. there’s evidence for this: for example, much as we in the “real world” had our troubles with Nazis trying to take over the world, Indy faces the same problems; for another, i think we’ve all had out troubles in Far Eastern nightclubs with busty American blondes. but i digress. so here’s the thing: if in the 2000s of Indy’s world, if he faces troubles with ferocious Islamist terrorism, how much of it has to do with his actions in Cairo in 1936? think about it: he tears through Cairo in a rage, knocking over laundry basket after laundry basket, tossing men into fruit stands, slamming through innocent crowds of Egyptians … does he think this has no consequences? all these Egyptians know is that one day, when they were minding their business, some crazy fucking American showed up, yelled at everyone and shoved them around, knocked things over, and drove a truck through some guy’s house! in the “real world,” i know there’s a few Egyptians among the ranks of those displeased with the West, so can’t imagine what they think in Indy’s world. and for that matter…

“why would anyone in a movie open a fruit stand in a busy city?”

seriously, what a terrible business plan
in this case, i don’t know why onlookers are shocked to see people wreck a fruit stand

all right, fine, it’s an old joke, but these things get destroyed (or at least have someone crash into them) EVERY TIME. later, when fruit shows up, Indiana Jones either drives a truck into it (his standard method of dealing with troubles in Egypt) or Nazis throw it all over the place in a rage. it never ends well … sort of like these posts. or something. because i have no good ending here. that’s the joke. next week we’ll talk about celebrities i look like or something.

the “cool generation” … and how i hate it SO VERY MUCH

earlier this evening, i was going off in a rant that was partially inspired by Chuck Klosterman about how worthless our current generation is and how America is going down the shit hole and all that, and the whole mess was generally a statement on the poor quality of kids today, how WWII was the “awesomeness peak” of the United States of America, and how the self-esteem movement of the 1980s-1990s (or whenever) was to blame for creating all these idiot children with sense of entitlement. somewhere in the process, though, it occurred to me that i could channel this rage into giving some advice to the kids out there about how they could turn things around. and i will do so in the form of long-winded ramblings that are responses to rhetorical statements made by these kids.

“i am one of the hardest workers here, and people like me are always getting screwed over”
i have heard this many times, and here’s the deal: no, you’re not. first off, the hardest workers are too busy working to be sitting around talking about how hard they work, and, in fact, the people generally making this statement are among the LAZIEST people on the job. hard workers generally don’t need to toot their own horn; it’s the kind of thing that can really only be recognized by others around you. yeah, i know your mother told you that the slightest expenditure of energy on your part was special because you are SO special, but she’s a liar. and, if she was born after 1965, there’s a good chance she’s a whore as well. now, secondly, people that are the hardest workers aren’t “always getting screwed over.” they DO get screwed over, because they work hard and lazy people like you take advantage of that, but they also get their respect because of – you guessed it – their hard work. whereas on the other hand, the reason YOU get screwed over is because you’re lazy and you suck. there it is.

“i am always doing things for other people, so now it’s time to do things for me”
no, you DON’T spend all your time doing for others, and you don’t deserve shit, so shut the fuck up. actually, the biggest proponent of this thesis was a roommate i once had who was a generally reprehensible person (his masturbation habits, in particular, were creepy) and who was always talking about how all he did was give and give and give and, accordingly, life owed him (and this was often his excuse for why he needed to do fucked-up things, like attempt to sleep with the girlfriends of friends). in truth, as you can probably tell, i don’t think he ever did shit for anyone that wasn’t him. and most people that DO spend all their time doing for others – i’m thinking about … uh … the Peace Corps and the Salvation Army, i guess – don’t talk it up because doing that kind of thing (or things) are natural actions and expressions for them. oh, and you don’t deserve shit because you’re a worthless human being that exaggerates your self-worth for reasons i can’t fathom (though, if it’s to fuck the girlfriends of your friends, i guess i CAN fathom it, i mean, i’ve seen it in action).

“Led Zeppelin is awesome”
actually, this is sort of a tease, because while i CAN go off about how Led Zeppelin is overrated (because they are) and not the best band ever (that would probably be the Who), it’s not really fair, in that i don’t hate Led Zeppelin. they actually sort of rock. sure, their individual members seem to be massive douchebags and half of them prone to forming shitty old-man vanity bands, and they stole tons and tons of music from other rock bands and artists (i think “Custard Pie” alone required “borrowing” from four other songs), but they don’t suck, which as we all know is the opposite of awesome. however, while i was driving home and mulling over the hateful remarks i would direct at Led Zeppelin, “When The Levee Breaks” came on the radio, and that song erases any ability i have to resent Led Zeppelin. it’s just that awesome of a tune.

so, there it is: if you’re born after the baby boomers, you’re worthless (including myself), and if you’re a baby boomer, there’s a 75% chance you’re worthless as well. none of you moderately-older fuckers went and fought the Nazis, you know. fighting another hippie for some of that sweet, sweet ganja doesn’t count. go fuck yourselves!

but, hey, you know what? this was kind of a bitter and hateful post. so here’s that photo of goats again to cheer us all up:

oh, my grandmother totally hates goats
i don’t care what you think, goats always make me smile

ah… that’s better.

because we have nothing else to say: ranting in march!

yeah, i don’t mean to totally show my hand here and give away the fact that i … uh … don’t really have a topic or anything, but it is what it is. frankly, i attribute this circumstance to a combination of a) so much depression that my heart is weary (awww, what a pity party for janklow) and b) all the funny stuff i’ve been doing or witnessing being very dependent on circumstance or things i can’t possibly explain here. how can i possibly explain to you the jokes involved with our running mockery of a male co-worker who has semi-erotic dreams about a another male co-worker that involve things like pools and two men riding on one horse? i can’t do it. you’d just have to take my word for it that this shit is funny and laugh, and that’s not fair. and there’s a limit to how often i am allowed to talk about Big Trouble In Little China … or is there? no, yet, there is. i don’t want to DIE for Big Trouble In Little China. anyway, so, let’s do that thing where i rant about nonsense that annoys me.

Lewis Black isn't very funny
pictured above: someone who IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY. actually, i might have laughed at a joke he told once, but i will blame that on drunkenness.

Lewis Black
now, generally speaking, i like to defend the hell out of my local peoples, and Black DOES hail from Silver Spring, Maryland. however, this being said, i can’t help but note that if this fucking guy was ever funny, then he must have decided to remove all the jokes from his act and then replace them with BEING LOUD FOR NO REASON. or maybe he was never funny; i admit this is an equally possible theory. however, let me just point out two things:

01. comedians that loved to flip the fuck out and be loud all the time (let’s say Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks) generally also remembered that you needed to have some jokes in your act to go along with all that yelling, and this appears to be the key ingredient to his comedy stew that Black has missed, which is shameful because you’d hope these comedians would remember their elders and betters that went before them;
02. as someone that likes to get way too loud all the time in the process of being funny (and i also like to swear a lot), i am also very aware that i need to add JOKES to my yelling in order to be funny. now, i don’t mean to sound conceited, so i’ll add that i mention this because a) i think Black yells first and jokes second (much like my scenario here), and b) i am just an average joe and i would hope that average joes like me would realize the problem(s) with Black’s comedy.

anyway, so, there it is. people need to stop giving this motherfucker specials and shows if he’s not going to be funny in the process. and if you don’t have be FUNNY to be well-paid … well, shit, then someone needs to cut me a check and shut me right the fuck up.

cutting back on the Wire isn't very funny
pictured above: what do we think of HBO cutting back season five from 13 episodes to 10 episodes? SHEEEEEEIT!

alright, so, i don’t claim to be a business man, unless killing is, in fact, a business, and then in that case … well, i might then be a businessman, but business would not actually be good right now. but this lack of business-related success aside, please explain to me the purpose behind killing off their quality programs to replace them with … uh … nothing? shit like John From Cincinnati? actually, though, this isn’t the question, but rather, this one: what’s the purpose of touting shows you’ve killed off like crazy as if you care about them, or, alternatively, trimming back shows you tout – and thus, trimming back their quality – unnecessarily? let’s take the Wire, for example. let’s say you cut HBO slack on ending the show because all shows have to end and because Simon expressed difficulty in doing seasons beyond season 5: how do you explain the need to cut the season’s length from 13 episodes to 10 (or 10.5, if you want to be anal-retentive about it)? does this really save HBO that much money or, conversely, make them that much money to be running something else for those three weeks? and this is made worse by the fact that you KNOW they’re going to re-run the shit out of this shortened season and you KNOW they’re going to play up how awesome the show they shortened is to critics and people buying DVDs and so on.

i will grant that if someone would crunch the numbers for me, i MIGHT have cause to back down on this, but i have to tell you, at this point it seems unlikely that i will.

Martin O'Malley isn't very funny
pictured above: WORTHLESSNESS

and two short topics that i love ever so much Scientology and Martin O’Malley:
i hate to be this totally redundant guy as far as my ranting goes (unless we’re talking about Big Trouble In Little China), so i’ll be brief: both of the above are completely full of bullshit and i simply cannot, cannot, CANNOT understand why anyone seems to think they have redeeming value. also, i hope somehow that Ebola fills each of them and causes their painful, sudden, vomit-and-blood-filled demises.

okay, so, maybe a real update next week? maybe? we’ll see. life is tough and no one gets out of it alive, so you’ll get what you get.