as we all know, one of the fastest ways to describe someone is to tell people what celebrity or near-celebrity or former celebrity or person of note or whatever the person you’re trying to describe happens to look like. and unlike most people’s nonsensical references to celebrities – i can think of a priceless example where someone said that the movie Braveheart was exactly like their life – it’s a pretty solid one, especially when someone else is responsible for the referencing. unless it comes to fat girls claiming people tell them they look like the hottest ladies on the planet All The Time, because, come on, fat girls, you know that’s not even true.
and as you can probably guess, people have used the same method to attempt to describe the awesome force that is janklow, with results that … well … vary. it’s really not my place to make claims like “none of these guys i supposedly look like are beautiful enough for it to be said that they look like me,” because a) that’s some conceited bullshit and b) i’m prohibited by a large, large man from calling guys beautiful. seriously, i would get thrown through the air like a rag doll and let me tell you, that part of it’s not nearly as bad as the “landing” portion. so let’s just make with the comparisons.
“i wish something would break/’cause we’re running out of time…”
Ed Kowalczyk (that lead singer from the rock band Live)
theory espoused by: most people that know me that find themselves in a “hey, what celebrity do you think i look like”-themed conversation, women
similarities: both of us hail from the mid-atlantic region and admit a grudging respect for Tricky’s trip-hop stylings; both respect the awesomeness of a shaven head
key differences: ability to sing songs; many photos of Kowalczyk on the internet have him wearing a pink shirt, whereas i never wear a pink shirt
commentary: in fairness, this might actually be the closest match of any of these guys; as in, it’s the one LEAST likely to make people affect a quizzical expression and say “what? no way.” so that’s got to count for something.
“now what the hell are you waiting for? (can i get an encore, do you want more)”
Chester Bennington (that singer from the rock band Linkin Park, no, not the guy that likes to rap, that’s Mike Shinoda, the other one)
theory espoused by: people that want to be different from the Kowalczyk-selectors in “hey, what celebrity do you think i look like”-themed conversations (seriously), less-astute women than those previously mentioned theorizing
similarities: shockingly, once again, a skinny physique and short hair; frequently found hanging out near guys that like rap music
key differences: well, obviously, if i was a vocalist from Linkin Park, i WOULD be “the guy that likes to rap”; also, lucky for me, i am not the victim of sexual abuse or the possessor of crazy earrings; once again, ability to sing songs
commentary: well, despite their terrible name, i like Linkin Park more than Live, but Bennington looks “goofier” than Kowalczyk and i’m going to have to side with the less-goofy doppelganger.
“grew up a fucking screw-up, got introduced to the game and fucking blew up”
Christopher Bridges (also known as Ludacris, which is an admittedly catchier abbreviation)
theory espoused by: my sister and random black girls that she’s worked with in various situations
similarities: appreciation for bass drums and a dislike for Bill O’Reilly and Pepsi
key differences: ability to rap along with music; despite my claim that “all i have to do is stay black and die,” i might not actually be black; lack of a team of fat girls throwing guys around in the street on my behalf
commentary: i would like to run with this selection on account of it being the most “awesome” of those on the list (and, as seen above, live a lifestyle in accordance with the “Get Back” video, but the group promoting it is notably smaller than the Kowalczyk supporters and, frankly, i’m not fully equipped to rock either an afro or cornrows.
“and as for this non-college bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin’ type, ’cause if you’re expecting me to help out with the rent you’re in for a big fuckin’ surprise”
Steve Buscemi (the actor/fireman and not the non-existent band of the same name)
theory espoused by: people on the internet who are not known for their excellent vision or accuracy of theories
similarities: i guess we’re both little weird spazzy guys who sometimes appear around larger, angry, bearded gentlemen
key differences: …are you kidding me? well, fine, i was never a firefighter
commentary: so, i’d like to think this was a semi-insulting, never-intended-to-be-that-accurate joke suggestion, but in the event that i’m wrong about that, well, he IS a good actor who appears often in films and shows i enjoy. so that’s got to count for something.
“FIVE OF DIAMONDS!” (okay, this isn’t an Osama reference, but hey, not everyone can get EVERY joke)
Osama Bin Laden (also known as Usama Bin Laden, UBL, and the guy who knocked the towers down and got Ghostface all pissed off)
theory espoused by: various employees at an airport, possibly including a screener who made remarks to this effect while wanding me
similarities: enjoyment of fierce beards and camouflage clothing; disdain for “the West” and their erotic nude dancing parlors
key differences: i have seldom, if ever, directed the mass-murdering of people and/or the crashing of massive aircraft; less of a beard
commentary: i have also been compared to Abd al-Baqi Abd al-Karim Abdallah by airport employees, which, by virtue of being more specific, was also legitimately funny in the ways it played out, whereas this Osama thing is at best poorly-aimed humor. although i admit i am a little jealous of his ready supply of AK-74SUs and team of devoted employees. i tell you what, with millions of dollars and some zealous staffing, i could get a lot done in a day!
so that’s that. i guess we’re going with Kowalczyk.