the “cool generation” … and how i hate it SO VERY MUCH

earlier this evening, i was going off in a rant that was partially inspired by Chuck Klosterman about how worthless our current generation is and how America is going down the shit hole and all that, and the whole mess was generally a statement on the poor quality of kids today, how WWII was the “awesomeness peak” of the United States of America, and how the self-esteem movement of the 1980s-1990s (or whenever) was to blame for creating all these idiot children with sense of entitlement. somewhere in the process, though, it occurred to me that i could channel this rage into giving some advice to the kids out there about how they could turn things around. and i will do so in the form of long-winded ramblings that are responses to rhetorical statements made by these kids.

“i am one of the hardest workers here, and people like me are always getting screwed over”
i have heard this many times, and here’s the deal: no, you’re not. first off, the hardest workers are too busy working to be sitting around talking about how hard they work, and, in fact, the people generally making this statement are among the LAZIEST people on the job. hard workers generally don’t need to toot their own horn; it’s the kind of thing that can really only be recognized by others around you. yeah, i know your mother told you that the slightest expenditure of energy on your part was special because you are SO special, but she’s a liar. and, if she was born after 1965, there’s a good chance she’s a whore as well. now, secondly, people that are the hardest workers aren’t “always getting screwed over.” they DO get screwed over, because they work hard and lazy people like you take advantage of that, but they also get their respect because of – you guessed it – their hard work. whereas on the other hand, the reason YOU get screwed over is because you’re lazy and you suck. there it is.

“i am always doing things for other people, so now it’s time to do things for me”
no, you DON’T spend all your time doing for others, and you don’t deserve shit, so shut the fuck up. actually, the biggest proponent of this thesis was a roommate i once had who was a generally reprehensible person (his masturbation habits, in particular, were creepy) and who was always talking about how all he did was give and give and give and, accordingly, life owed him (and this was often his excuse for why he needed to do fucked-up things, like attempt to sleep with the girlfriends of friends). in truth, as you can probably tell, i don’t think he ever did shit for anyone that wasn’t him. and most people that DO spend all their time doing for others – i’m thinking about … uh … the Peace Corps and the Salvation Army, i guess – don’t talk it up because doing that kind of thing (or things) are natural actions and expressions for them. oh, and you don’t deserve shit because you’re a worthless human being that exaggerates your self-worth for reasons i can’t fathom (though, if it’s to fuck the girlfriends of your friends, i guess i CAN fathom it, i mean, i’ve seen it in action).

“Led Zeppelin is awesome”
actually, this is sort of a tease, because while i CAN go off about how Led Zeppelin is overrated (because they are) and not the best band ever (that would probably be the Who), it’s not really fair, in that i don’t hate Led Zeppelin. they actually sort of rock. sure, their individual members seem to be massive douchebags and half of them prone to forming shitty old-man vanity bands, and they stole tons and tons of music from other rock bands and artists (i think “Custard Pie” alone required “borrowing” from four other songs), but they don’t suck, which as we all know is the opposite of awesome. however, while i was driving home and mulling over the hateful remarks i would direct at Led Zeppelin, “When The Levee Breaks” came on the radio, and that song erases any ability i have to resent Led Zeppelin. it’s just that awesome of a tune.

so, there it is: if you’re born after the baby boomers, you’re worthless (including myself), and if you’re a baby boomer, there’s a 75% chance you’re worthless as well. none of you moderately-older fuckers went and fought the Nazis, you know. fighting another hippie for some of that sweet, sweet ganja doesn’t count. go fuck yourselves!

but, hey, you know what? this was kind of a bitter and hateful post. so here’s that photo of goats again to cheer us all up:

oh, my grandmother totally hates goats
i don’t care what you think, goats always make me smile

ah… that’s better.

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