so in recent weeks there has been some talk about robots, in particular robots that i claim to have invented and then utilized around my home for purposes such as “robot stuff” and “uh, you know, the chopping.” said robot – which we shall call the Janklowtron 9000, which functions as a close approximation of its actual name – has become a mild recurring joke amongst my co-workers, who like to mock various things about it or threaten to destroy it should i not attend various functions wherein the impending nuptials of a co-worker are to be celebrated with the dancing of the nude ladies. and frankly, it’s really very heartless to talk about the destruction of my beloved, TOTALLY REAL robot as a mere pawn designed to make me see gross people and events that might include an abomination we shall only call “the Brazilian.” and NOT in honor of that Genesis song of the same name, which is actually a rockin’ tune.
but i digress, as i intended to use this space and time to shed some light on the exciting Janklowtron 9000 and its various features. you all care, right? right? well, i don’t care if you do or not, but it’s this or i go back to talking about Ghostface’s eagle bracelet and Big Trouble In Little China. and no one wants that! allow me to use an informative sketch, as my robot is a little too shy to allow me to take a picture of it.
the Janklowtron 9000: half man, half amazing! well, wait, it’s not half man, it’s a robot. but, uh, yeah, there’s some amazing things going on with it!
and now, some points of discussion:
crazy-looking robot head
originally, i was considering a clear glass shell for the cool, oval-shaped head, but it turns out that when you can see a robot’s optical sensors looking at you, you often end up with the kind of uneasy feeling you’d get if someone was staring at you in your nudity-protecting denim cut-off shorts when you’re in the shower, so i opted to roll with a frosted glass shell so as to avoid all the awkwardness. well, okay, it still wants to know “why my human body appears so frail and vulnerable to being chopped with a cleaver,” so not ALL of the awkwardness is gone. but we’re learning to live together.
“robot parts” torso area
while i can’t get into the specifics that make my robot run so well – we’re talking about some seriously high-speed patents and ideas that it took me years to steal from books about Nikolai Tesla, or as i call him, “the father of all the robots i make, as well as the father of 87% of my death rays” – i CAN tell you that, as i have alluded to before, this model of the Janklowtron is, in fact, powered by “awesomeness.” the original models were powered by alcohol that i distilled from sugar beets, which is less expensive from a financial point of view, but which also led to unpleasant things like “robots on fire,” “oh no, janklow got into the alcohol meant to power his robots again,” and “additional robots on fire.” running a robot based on a fuel of awesomeness (which, in fairness, is more like 89% awesomeness and 11% good feelings) is simply safer and more efficient.
what we call treads
wheels on a robot seems too much like those weird robots that fight on shows to amuse nerds, which initially had me leaning towards “a spider-like assortment of legs that make a robot move in a fast and creepy-in-a-good-way creepy fashion.” but then i remembered the excellent film Wild Wild West and Kenneth Branagh’s robot body, and i didn’t want to be accused to stealing ideas from the greatest film of 1999, so i went with treads. treads that roll over other robots, non-robot foes and small ditches alike! as in, very small ditches, because the Janklowtron 9000 is not that flexible.
this is mainly used for getting broadcast television channels for me and having romantic robot talk with supercomputers and stuff for the Janklowtron 9000. i know, i know, i don’t really condone robot romances, but there isn’t much i can do about it. it’s been topped with a black ball so that i can spot my robot more easily in parking lots.
the claw and the meat cleaver (!!!)
i wanted to go with flexible arms, but with less of a “first queen in space” feel than that Lost In Space robot has (i never get tired of referencing this John Waters joke), so it was important to cap said arms with turbo-manly, but useful, ends. so i went with a claw, which is mainly used for “doing things” and “picking up things” and other such useful affairs, and the cleaver, which is used for “chopping things.” it can make sandwiches, it can defend my house, you name it. some colleagues wanted to know why i didn’t give my robot a gun for a hand, but i pointed out that i can simply ride around on my robot shooting from the protection of its metal frame. guns are for me, cleavers are for robots. it’s really very simple.
so how did i learn to make such awesome robots? well, i HAVE seen the opening to Astro-Zombies over two times! also, no one tell TTR about this update, or he might get pissed…