doing that thing that Ogre calls “one of those things you do that makes me laugh”

we used to do this thing, back in the day, that our “shockingly hairy” associate Ogre approved of in which i would take some items of celebrity news, get totally worked up about them, and then criticize the people involved furiously while dropping more f-bombs than Enzo Calzaghe in his son’s corner at the Bernard Hopkins fight. which, incidentally, should have been watched by all for two reasons: a) because Joe Calzaghe is awesome and b) because Bernard Hopkins ended up discussing what he referred to as his “crouch.” but i digress; the point was that since i’m not bringing back TTR for a guest appearance this week, Ogre might appreciate it if i got a little old-school and trashed on some celebrities, and not in that “here’s the scoop” gossipy way, but in that “i fucking hope you wind up fucking dead in a fucking sand dune in the fucking southwest United States with a fucking lizard eating your fucking eyes.” so let’s do this thing!

Valkyrie and Tom Cruise, partners in failure
wow, it’s weird how comfortable and happy Tom Cruise seems in a Nazi uniform, isn’t it?

Tom Cruise and the impending failure of “Valkyrie”
link to the story we’re talking about here: ‘Valkyrie’: Cruise’s Valentine’s Day Massacre?

i have to tell you, the possible crushing failure of a movie by Tom Cruise couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. now, i grant you that i don’t wish an extreme amount of ill will on the memory of von Stauffenberg; it’s just unfortunate that noted man-about-town and/or asshole Tom Cruise associated himself with the project in what i can only assume was an attempt to compare himself and Scientology to the heroes fighting Nazis (or, in the modern world, governments that hate on Scientology). some reasons that this movie will probably bomb?
–the awesomely poor timing of a movie starring almost all men (and older men at that) coming out around Valentine’s Day;
–Tom Cruise apparently refusing to adopt a German accent for a film about Germans while all his co-stars DO adopt them;
–director Bryan Singer expecting “to shoot four more scenes with a disbanded cast including a big war/action sequence that sets up the film but still doesn’t exist,” a concept that completely boggles my mind.

further, if you haven’t been paying too much attention to Tom Cruise (as, in fairness, he’s admittedly fucking worthless and thus not actually worthy of the attention i give him), there’s also the matter of his ex-wife worrying about Scientology getting a hold on their adopted children (not a surprise, what with Scientology being an evil cult and all), a move that has made her retroactively more attractive in her youth to me (though not now when she’s much more tired and old, of course), as well as the fact that Jason Beghe, in leaving the cult, noted that Tom Cruise & Friends believe themselves not to be homo sapiens, but rather, a new, evolved race of “homo novis.” so, Tom Cruise, here’s to hoping that your film bombs and you die in the desert where birds can peck out your eyes!

Jimmy Fallon, the voice of the damned
oddly enough, i found this picture searching for “photos of people i want to punch in the face”

Conan O’Brien to be replaced with indeterminate amount of bullshit
link to the story we’re talking about here: Jimmy Fallon to replace Conan on “Late Night”

Jimmy Fallon fucking sucks at being funny, at acting, at life. to repeat: JIMMY FALLON FUCKING SUCKS. look, i was already concerned with the prospect of replacing someone hilarious (Conan O’Brien) with someone who’s… well, look, if it was simply a matter of replacing Conan with someone who’s not funny (or even not AS funny as Conan), this would be sad news on principle, but what’s the deal with replacing him with someone who’s actively unfunny? okay, to be fair, let’s make a list of all those funny Jimmy Fallon moments i can recall:
–…still nothing

his appearances in skits on SNL always made me say “someone turn this fucking shit off.” his guest appearance in HBO’s Band Of Brothers – and don’t get me started on not understanding why Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg couldn’t have gotten a REAL guest star for the show – is easily the worst thing about that miniseries. for crying out loud, the motherfucker starred in Taxi with Queen Latifah. TAXI! the only way this works out is if this is all an elaborate ruse to trick Jimmy Fallon into journeying out into the desert, where he can be beaten near to death with aluminum bats and then left for dead with only the lizards to keep him (and his tasty eyes) company.

Wesley Snipes, king of the Cash Money Boys
in related but even sadder news, i have found the WORST PHOTO OF WESLEY SNIPES EVER TAKEN

Wesley Snipes is going to jail
link to the story we’re talking about here: Judge sentences Wesley Snipes to 3 years for tax convictions

this is going to be brief, because a man’s going to jail (which is not THAT funny, unless that man is Tom Cruise and unless said Tom Cruise gets raped to death by the Mexican Mafia), so let me just say this: Wesley, you have all these famous friends testifying on your behalf; you have all this fame and wealth (supposedly you owed $2.7 million on $13.8 million of income); whereas i only have two questions:

look, Wesley, i have already vowed to form a militia to, when the Revolution comes and society dissolves, go around shooting it out with the fucking white trash bubbas who think “they ain’t got to be payin’ no taxes as them there taxes is illegal anyways.” but they’re poor white trash; they have an excuse for a) being fucking stupid, b) having no money with which to pay taxes, and c) being fucking stupid. but you’re a millionaire with numerous employees and cash galore! WHAT THE FUCK?

whew. i feel better. oh, and i lied. just for you, Ogre:


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One Response to doing that thing that Ogre calls “one of those things you do that makes me laugh”

  1. Duane Toole says:

    1.Valkyrie will go to video in record time.

    2. Jimmy Fallon’s show will last one season.

    3. Snipe’s appeal will fail and he will serve time, but less than three years.

    4. Dorozhand is dying. I’m not even sad.

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