well, it hasn’t been exactly a year since the last one of these (though i admit that times were better then), but it has been awhile, and this has reminded me of just how long that fucking cardinal has been messing with my cars (and other nearby cars as well, to be fair). since animals have been again messing with my automobile, well, it’s time for another edition of me stealing from a sweet skit from long ago (and this should explain the purpose behind the whole “in which i steal Bruce McCulloughâ€™s ideas (sort of)” thing, in case you never got that reference).
and now, janklow with an open letter to those raccoons that may have gotten into his car the other night.
well, why did you do it? are you some sort of jerks or something? itâ€™s MY car! true, i did leave all my windows open (well, the three that work, anyway) because of the hot temperatures that have been so prevalent recently, so maybe you took that as some sort of challenge to your raccoon masculinity (or raccoonity or whatever). and true, we have stopped leaving old dry cat food around these parts because all of our sweet, appreciative stray cats have all died (which i am sure was a shock to the team of fat, flighty raccoons that were making a living eating the hell out of it). but when i realized that your team of raccoons had left a ring of muddy prints all over the car as you sought to enter the windows (and, let’s be frank, i assume you guys got in there, messed with my radio and smoked all my cigars), i admit that i thought- no, fuck that, i know who does this kind of thing: RACCOONS! now, i want to punch you guys in your faces (or make you my pets and give you names like Bandit and Raider). also, i gather that the cat around here that hates me (but is super soft and fun to pet) also hates you, but probably won’t help me kill you guys or anything. what are you guys – some sort of PRICKS? some sort of idiots? some sort of thieving machines? you washing bear losers! JERKS!
seriously, i feel totally violated here, and these raccoons need to be punched ASAP. other things that need to be punched in the face real, real hard:
-Hillary Clinton. Hillary, Hillary, Hillary… look, you’re older than me, so you’re not supposed to be part of the generation FOLLOWING me that i hate so much, based mainly on their belief that their self-esteem is the most important thing in existence and that they’re entitled to anything they want in life. but you ARE close to the generation that’s raised these whining brats (and the generation that put all that self-esteem bullshit into the curriculum), so maybe i shouldn’t be surprised that you feel so goddamn entitled to being the next president that you don’t think you have to run a campaign to win the office… or don’t think you have to refrain from talking about the assassination of your rivals… or don’t think you have to CONCEDE when you fucking LOSE. but hey, i think you might have needed that punch in the face back in like 1996 or so.
-Kimora Lee Simmons. for which, i admit, i will need to enlist my sister’s help, because i can’t exactly be running around punching girls in the face. it doesn’t play well in the media. but let’s be clear: as much sass as i give Russell Simmons, when you’re running around saying things like “when you get married, youâ€™re forced to drink the milk long after itâ€™s spoiled.” i was unaware your suffering was so immense, Mrs. CEO of Baby Phat. but i just have two questions: 1) did you not know Russell Simmons was an old guy with money when you married him, and 2) did he or did he not make you what you are today? seriously, now.
-Troy Duffy. seriously, having re-watched Overnight again recently, i have this to say to anyone out there who hasn’t seen that hilarious documentary but who, at the same time, really likes that Boondock Saints movie: Troy Duffy is the kind of guy you really want to punch in the face. and if you watch the documentary, you will NOT disagree with me on this one. granted, he’s become sort of a failure (and makes no money from the DVD sales of the film), but i really want to use a time machine to go back and sock him in the face back when he was being more actively worthless (though i am sure his life is of no great consequence now).