i hear that mustaches are the gateway to a vacation from yourself

so, originally, i was going to go see Hellboy II and the Dark Knight back-to-back (at least back-to-back in terms of days, because i hear the Dark Knight is 13 hours long or something) and then try to come up with a fictional battle of “which is better, Hellboy II and the Dark Knight” wherein i somehow claim the former wins despite its massive amount of creepy faeries. instead, i scheduled in an incredibly macho day of some light gardening and playing with a puppy (which did, in fact, once again attack my face with all the biting). which brings us to our vacation 2008 update: a vacation from getting anything accomplished!

still, i would feel bad if i skipped this week’s update because of my desire to spend a week sitting in a kiddie pool drinking beers (which won out over “lying naked in a bathtub covered in ice trying desperately to avoid all that heat”), so here we go with some random observations for the week and all that.

plain black t-shirts are apparently in violation of some dress codes
this almost got titled “headbutting people repeatedly can lead to complications.” and granted, that part might seem self-evident, but i assure you that the LAST time i had an alcohol-enhanced, obstinate bout of head-butting, things went much more smoothly. this time, however, things didn’t go as well:

the knot to end all knots
i don’t seem very fazed by that massive knot (or people trying to lick it, apparently), but then again, i was heroically drunk

yeah… it seems that listening to random rock bands (including that of a friend) while people drink vodka poured into their mouths by tattooed women may result in a situation where a) i demand head butts and b) those vodka-swilling people deliver them. also, you probably shouldn’t have all of these head butts occur in the EXACT same spot. i did, however, decline to, as originally planned, cut open that massive knot and see what was in there (i was hoping for spiders). more relevant to the title, though, is that apparently the plain black t-shirts both myself and a colleague were wearing violated a dress code of some sort. okay, seriously, guys, it’s Baltimore: what the fuck kind of dress code is this? plain white t-shirts, whatever, but now with the black t-shirts? this just seems lame.

Anderson Silva is the greatest fighter in the world (well, that’s not named Joe Calzaghe)
i have to say, it’s very frustrating to hear everyone on the internet talk about Affliction being the greatest promotion ever with the greatest fighters ever and blah blah blah … seriously, people, could we be a little demanding in what we watch? for crying out loud, Donald Trump and DON FUCKING JOHNSON were wandering aimlessly in the ring at one point. there is no reason that Don Johnson should have this kind of uncontrolled access to professional fighters. or anything, really; it’s not fucking 1984 anymore and Miami Vice isn’t on the air anymore. Fedor remains awesome in a way limited by who he fights, but come on, this organization was going to let his Russian Mafia-affiliated brother fight. oh, wait, what am i saying about him being in the Russian mob?

Aleksandr Emelianenko
i don’t know where i would get the impression that some people are affiliated with organized crime

anyway… it might be my affection for all things spider-related, but i’m always much more impressed with Anderson Silva. he’s got “precision that is so precise”; his haircut is excellent; and his Portuguese, while incomprehensible, doesn’t really need to be comprehensible: it’s effusive and there’s always something in there about loving America. and while Tim Sylvia looked healthy after Fedor whipped him, Irvin’s face was smashed in righteously after 61 seconds. i’m just sayin’.

an album is released with Zack De La Rocha on vocals? really?
so despite the fact that Zack has been teasing all of us who fondly recall Rage Against The Machine from our misspent youth with the promise of “solo albums” and “side projects” and “uh, upcoming music, i swear” for years now, it seems somehow someone got him in a studio long enough for a 5-track EP to be released. this is mostly shocking to me because i have seen him produce tracks with guys like Trent Reznor and Roni Size for some time while STILL always managing to not give us a real solo album; De La Rocha is also one of the few artists about whom weird stories like “he’s not recording because he’s off in the hills of Mexico or something” make you think “eh, that’s possible.” still, sometimes these things work out. and this EP kind of rocks.

Audioslave versus One Day As A Lion
i liked both of these bands better the first time… when they were called Rage Against The Machine

but here’s the thing: someone told Billboard that the EP sounded like “Led Zeppelin meets Dr. Dre.” THIS IS THE WORST DESCRIPTION EVER. because not only is it inaccurate, but you also KNOW it’s clearly inaccurate before you even hear the EP. that shit cannot be true! anyway, here’s the real thing: it sounds enough like RATM to be weird, in the way that Audioslave is weird. RATM rocks, and that’s who i want to hear, so why would i want to hear RATM with a poorer vocalist like Cornell? or a poorer backing band (De La Rocha on keyboards and Jon Theodore on drums will NEVER top Tom Morello)? just give me the damn reunion already! anyway, i bought this EP and i would say that Zack makes everything sound better, even if he IS some kind of crazy left-wing terrorist or whatever.

anyway, so, that’s it for now. i’m trying to relax here! but as a closing note, i DID get this creepy birthday card recently:

WHOA

seriously, this thing haunts my dreams. i don’t know what else to say.

George Lucas’ fantasy masterpiece Willow: a running diary

okay, no more putting off the inevitable: as alluded to last time, it’s time for that running diary of Willow. i remember seeing this film in the theater as a child, subsequently reading the novelization (and yet, note that i found those Lord of the Rings books too boring to read around the same time) and enjoying both, at least to the extent that i don’t recall hating them in the way i, say, recall hating Legend. even as a youth, my hatred for Tom Cruise was finely honed.

ANYWAY, some decades passed and last summer, my sibling told me that my birthday gift would be something so awesome that, and i quote, “i wouldn’t know how i managed to live without it.” it turned out that this referred to a DVD of Willow (there was another gift as well, but that was the “awesome” part); one year later, i’m now about to watch this DVD twice in 13 days with a little help from my dear friends Stolichnaya and Vincent Van Gogh (uh, the vodka, not, you know, that psycho painter). so let’s get this thing going!

preparatory information: this movie happened because George Lucas couldn’t film a version of the Hobbit (millions of Tolkein fanboys and guys named Del Toro having breathed sighs of relief without knowing why); also, apparently a trilogy would have followed this movie if it had done well at the book office, so i guess we should be grateful that THAT didn’t go down. and now, on with the film.

00:00:00: i am once again reminded how annoying the DVD case that Willow comes in is to operate. i mean, look, i am not blaming alcohol; i happen to think this particular case is extra annoying. whatever, don’t judge me. on with the movie!

eh, Willow
if this was my production to do with whatever i chose, i would have been tempted to make this read “eh, WILLOW; it could have been better with some effort”

00:00:18: seriously, these opening screens of dramatic words are WAY too much for a film called “Willow” that involves a magical dwarf saving the world from, i presume, all that evil. Star Wars was not kind to your production skills beyond the special effects stuff, Lucas.

00:02:47: uh… where did all this snow come from? how far did this woman supposedly walk? i guess this is the kind of thing that makes people say “hey, why are you taking these fantasy movies so goddamn seriously.” i’ll try to calm down here. also, don’t forget, guys, our villain Queen Bavmorda wants to kill “tiny, helpless babies,” so that means she’s EXTRA evil.

00:06:13: we’re introduced to our tiny hero Willow who, while supposedly showing us he’s hilarious and compassionate, has really just proven to me that he’s an irresponsible farmer. also, related fact: Burglekutt (Mark Northover) is just about the ugliest dwarf ever.

00:09:51: Willow’s farm is filled with goats? AWESOME.

dwarfs as far as the eye can see
this is where i should make some cheesy joke about their sizes being small, but their love of life being large or something; my heart is not in it

00:10:00: according to the internet, Willow is noted for “employing more dwarfs than any film in years” and for casting Warwick Davis in the lead (though, frankly, i think the latter is debatable with Val Kilmer soaking up all that screen time). the former is IMMEDIATELY apparent once we get to the village scene. also, movie connection: Billy Barty, who plays the High Aldwin, also played Noodles MacIntosh in UHF, another film my sister won’t let me stop owning and watching.

00:14:55: wow, a pile of dwarfs versus some devil dogs does NOT make for a good fight scene. it’s just… awkward. but at least Lucas confirmed this back in the day so that the Lord of the Rings movies wouldn’t make the same mistake.

00:23:23: awesome, a totally unnecessary baby vomit joke that, i assume, somewhat competent director Ron Howard wanted to remove, but was then ORDERED to leave in by George Lucas. i hate you so much, George Lucas. also, it occurs to me that Bavmorda takes very inconsistent stances on the prophecies that mean so much to her.

00:27:13: ah, Val Kilmer finally enters the scene as Madmartigan. though he is, on a personal level, probably totally insane, he has what i would call “screen presence.” actually, i would sort of give him more credit for doing a competent job here with this shit material as opposed to, say, in Tombstone. because it’s not like Doc Holiday could have been awesome in MANY actors’ hands.

Willow, great sorcerer
Warwick Davis performing all that magic that he studied so hard in preparation for this classic film

00:30:00: since Willow’s claiming to be a powerful sorcerer, this is probably a good time to point out that, according to iMDB’s movie trivia, “in preparation for the movie, Warwick Davis had to learn a modified accent, how to take care of a baby, how to ride a horse, how to sword fight, and how to perform magic.” okay, the first four, maybe (though i don’t remember how much of riding and fighting he does), but “perform magic?” it’s a FANTASY MOVIE; no one is casting actual spells! you wave your hands and say some shit and George Lucas makes the magic happen! literally, in this case.

00:33:27: at this point, i will tell you that if you’d read the novelization like SOME of us have, you’d know there was back story that makes this conversation between Madmartigan and Airk make sense. also, i do NOT recommend that you read the novelization.

00:37:37: “welcome back, boys! you deserve MEDALS!” this so should have been a catchphrase.

00:38:51: why, say hello to a shining example of terrible 1980s-era special effects! cutting Willow free, i think, is the king of the terrible effect shots in this film. also, why do these brownies have outrageous French accents? why is semi-respected actor Kevin Pollack being forced to play a semi-retarded French brownie? this world does not make sense to me any more! also, Willow’s quest gets more complicated or something; foreshadowing the need for Madmartigan to rejoin him is now firmly established.

00:42:45: it might not be the Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, but it remains awkward when tiny fantasy people share emotional hugs.

Val Kilmer, looking more feminine than usual
oh, yeah, i get it, it’s very funny because he’s a man, but he’s dressed like a woman, and this leads to misunderstandings!

00:44:20: thanks to Kevin Pollack’s poor decisions, Willow ends up in a boisterous human bar, complete with Madmartigan transitioning from drag queen to awkward fantasy fight machine and yet another unnecessary interlude involving faerie love dust. the drag queen thing and the faerie dust are yet more HILARIOUS ideas that i blame completely on the mind of one George Lucas.

00:48:27: side note: Joanne Whalley’s armor is way too big for her tiny little body. she’s adorable when she dresses like a grown-up!

01:02:00: oh, i see, it turns out that this sorceress or whatever that this band of misfits has been looking for has been trapped in the body of an opossum. luckily for all involved, bullshit wizards like this don’t get to have wizard duels. also, it DOES make it convenient to stuff them in a bag when you’re evil and you capture all our heroes (DRAMA).

01:06:37: back in the snow again? seriously, where are all these people transitioning to that it requires journeys through mountains filled with snow? though it DOES make the upcoming escape scene convenient… also, that fucking faerie dust that was SO funny the first time makes another appearance. LUCAS!

01:16:53: if i might quote Madmartigan immediately after his ridiculous shield-as-sled ride: “love Sorsha? i don’t love her, she kicked me in the face! i hate her!” all i have to say about that line is, guys, use this when referring to all your ladies IMMEDIATELY. but maybe don’t call them Sorsha when you do it.

Madmartigan, picking up ladies in a fantasy realm
Val Kilmer denies his love for Joanne Whalley (she kicked him in the face and all); he would do this some years later in real life when their marriage dissolved

01:19:13: Madmartigan abducts Sorsha with a knife to her throat; this must have been about the time when the Kilmer-Whalley on-set romance kicked into full force. oh, yeah, repeated escapes of various sorts (heroes from villains, villain from heroes, my sanity) ensue and soon she’ll become good and turn against her mother or something, who cares.

01:24:46: you can tell when a magical city has been abandoned or cursed or whatever when, aside from some structural damage, frozen people and troll dung, the public wastebasket has been tipped over.

01:27:13: alright, fantasy heroes (including Madmartigan), here’s the deal: when someone magically becomes a goat, you don’t waste time asking them “what the hell happened to you?” because the answer is clearly “uh, i became more awesome.”

01:29:29: trivia about this “Eborsisk” two-headed dragon our heroes are fighting: because director Ron Howard couldn’t get his brother Clint Howard a role in the film (i am SO disappointed about that), the dragon is modeled to look like Clint? get the fuck out of here!

Clint Howard, in two-headed dragon form
a dragon modeled after Clint Howard; the resemblance is uncanny

01:33:28: awww, rather than kill him, Sorsha makes out a little with Madmartigan. you see, this is the kind of shit that makes me not watch movies. well, that, and these shitty brownies showing up YET AGAIN. Kevin Pollack, you were so much better in Casino. also, villains escape with the stolen baby or something, whatever.

01:37:25: when our hero army goes to confront the villains, they’re all turned to pigs by some random, nondescript “wizard spell.” meanwhile, Willow has protected himself with some random, nondescript “wizard spell.” okay, so, maybe this is the D&D fan in me, but seriously, would it kill a fantasy movie to have a reasonable system of spells? maybe just one little lightning bolt? also, i wish a magical goat would give ME useful advice.

01:42:40: “in my village, we have a lot of gophers.” or, in other words, this is the part of the movie where the humble, folksy wisdom of Willow saves the day for all these stupid giant humans with their stupid human plans. good times! in fairness, though, i think this kind of scene is always mandatory when dwarfs or hobbits or whatever cruise around with humans soaking up insults all day long.

01:46:00: shockingly, Willow’s genius plan works (even though, as far as i can tell, Madmartigan wasn’t actually hidden from view and they sort of didn’t really fight the villains that rushed out of the castle, who fled instead of, say, yelling “CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR TO THE CASTLE”). great success!

01:49:25: whoops, bullshit wizards like these DO get to have a wizard duel. terrible.

Willow, dramatic and all
seriously, i’m not sure why anyone would need powerful magic to defeat this mess

01:57:20: so we’ve just seen the big final battle between our hero Willow and the evil queen, and let me just say this: seriously, the ending to this movie is terrible. the hero didn’t even need the magic trick he used (OMG IT WORKED THIS TIME, UNLIKE IN THE VILLAGE PRIOR TO HIS ADVENTURES); he could basically have just talked shit for 60 more seconds and the same ending would have occurred. i guess she staggered into her own spell because of her outrage at Willow or something? DISAPPOINTMENT REIGNS

02:00:00: Willow returns home a great hero, blah, blah, blah. homosexual dwarf fucking is minimal (one advantage over Return of the King, anyway).

so, let me sum this film up with a note i took while watching this film the FIRST of recent times: “seriously, i am paying attention to this film and i have NO idea what’s going on. it’s like Robocop 2, but with more insanity!” what more needs to be said?

comedy bits lost to the sands of time

comedy bits lost to the sands of time? what the fuck kind of melodramatic noise is this shit? well, okay, it was either write this pointless and unnecessary recap of the past or write a running diary about the Ron Howard/George Lucas fantasy masterpiece Willow due to a recent cranberry-juice-and-vodka-inspired viewing of said film. the latter, however, is going to have to wait until next week, because i simply don’t have the strength (or the heroic consumption of alcohol that accompanied the viewing of Willow the other night) to watch it again right now.

ANYWAY, i might have touched on this topic before, but sometimes i and others will get involved in a topic of conversation where things get funny (my specialty is “random, situation-specific comedy”), everyone KNOWS things are funny because we’re all laughing… and then, later, no one can remember the joking well enough to record it, which, as you can imagine, is very frustrating when you’re me and you’re trying to turn your random bullshit into internet posts. so let’s reminisce about some of these frustratingly ephemeral moments!

NOW JUST WAIT A MINUTE, I CAN FIX THIS
see, this is where you end up when you start pedaling that bullshit about “every day above ground is a good day,” that’s all. don’t say i didn’t warn you…

why “every day above ground is a good day” is WRONG, Mel
this was inspired (much as this entire update was inspired by this incident i am about to discuss) by a walk out of work with a co-worker wherein we were discussing how our respective days had gone (his was fine, mine was fair to poor), prompting me to remark that every day with our employer was sheer excellence (please add a helping degree of sarcasm to that) and prompting HIM to respond with something along the lines of it can’t be that bad, we’re still living and all, whatever. what’s that? optimism? well, i have a combined solution for that: soul-crushing depression (“i don’t think i understand what’s great about continuing to live if you hate life”) and, yes, quoting Scarface. which, i admit, often happens after i, uh, watch Scarface two days earlier.

now, the thing is, i can’t remember the specifics of this way-energetic, crazy riff about how a) the character Mel Bernstein dropped this wisdom of “every day above ground is a good day” that everyone loves to quote, but b) all of his advice is terrible (“don’t go too far,” “you can’t shoot a cop,” and “i’ll fix this up” were proven wrong in his case IMMEDIATELY) and things don’t end well for him (i recall something about a first-class ticket to the resurrection?) … so why the fuck would anyone take that one pleasant-sounding remark seriously? but though i can’t remember the specifics (damn it), i CAN recall that i went totally berserk about this and made said co-worker sick with laughter. great success!

southern cannonball, or so they say
yeah, this has NOTHING to do with the following text, but it’s a top result when you search the internet for “southern” and “cannonball.” who am i to argue with that?

that “mocking the Civil War bit” where i was impersonating arguing with a southerner
around this parts, it’s noted that i love to impersonate the following things: a crazed reverend who may or may not be my immediate superior (YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GONNA SEE THE MOTHERFUCKING HOOD COME OUT WHEN I’VE GOT YOU IN A FORT McHENRY) and redneck southerners, though, in the case of the latter, i don’t have a very enlightened portrayal going into action; my Andrew Jackson impression is consciously a cross between Foghorn Leghorn and a donkey (not because i hate him, but because he was a Democrat, so you see, it’s high-speed political sassafras). also, don’t ask why i need or employ an Andrew Jackson impression.

ANYWAY, around these parts you have a lot of southerners obsessing over Civil War battlefield (also known as “the war of northern aggression” and “the war wherein those stupid rebels got knocked the FUCK out”), and one of those guys then went and got himself killed when a cannonball he was restoring (i am not sure what that even means) exploded and killed him. now, all jokes aside, this wasn’t to make light of his death… but the next thing you know, a rant developed about how all these southerners are religiously obsessed with LOSING a war and worshiping OVERRATED generals (i’m looking at you, Stonewall Jackson) and turning the battlefields into some holy relic collection site (ancient cannonballs as an updated version of the Spear of Destiny or something). the jokes related to the above are probably pretty self-explanatory. this then turned into a riff on Marylanders and other border state peoples who consciously choose to identify with the CSA in that war despite all of the above; in the end i believe i was arguing WITH MYSELF and burning on the southern stereotype who was proclaiming that because Maryland was more rebellious because they had troops on the southern side without being in said CSA.

the moral of the story: when there are multiple people in a conversation and then you take it over to argue with YOURSELF… well, there may be problems. but i just wish i could have recorded the banter, because i recall it getting some laughs.

to the Witch King, whose demise made me so sad
oh, you are no man? NEITHER IS THE WITCH KING, YOU VAPID TURBO-CUNT!

i am no man? (insert janklow’s sarcastic raspberry noise RIGHT FUCKING HERE)
okay, so, everyone knows that i LOVE to bitch and moan about realism in a series of fantasy movies, whatever. my most favorite thing to complain about, however, is the line dripping with girl power in Return Of The King (the weakest of those three movies) when Eowyn fights the Witch King: “I AM NO MAAAN.” seriously, i get a little queasy whenever i a) see the film or b) someone quotes that scene.

now, there are many reasons why i hate it: the general annoyance of prophecies that are too fucking literal (my version of that scene has her stabbing the Witch King, him rolling his non-existent eyes and saying “uh, it’s a figure of speech that expresses my awesome ability to kill heroes” and then crushing her torso with his flail); the terrible delivery of said line (i don’t know if i blame Jackson or Otto more, but i guess the buck stops with the former); the fact that there’s a convoluted nerd defense of the scene that involves a) the hobbit that stabbed his foot, b) something about that hobbit’s sword or knife or whatever being specially elf-magicked to stab up demonic creatures and c) the Simarilion being the source for all of this, which brings me to d: d) if you need the Simarilion to make your MOVIE make sense, fuck you. and fuck your family and friends. and take that flying fuck at that rolling doughnut i was talking about last week.

BUT I DIGRESS. none of this is was i can’t recall; rather, it’s this: this one time, i was impersonating this scene so bitterly and sarcastically that i started to act it out, threw myself into some furniture and over a chair, and subsequently hurt myself in the fall. talk about devotion to your craft! but i guess what i’m saying is: i wish i could recall why the fuck i did that.

so, i swear these topics were actually funny at the time(s). also, there was going to be something about making a pair of nunchaku out of dead toddlers and fighting people in an airport with them, but while i assure you it was hilarious and topical, it also sounds TERRIBLE, so we’ll just move on with our lives. and, for the record, i HAVE occasionally recalled and recorded a spur of the moment rant. this here was one of those times. great success!

movies for the month of July… and hatin’ on them!

once again i have been sort of caught out without a real plan for how to proceed here. and for this, i blame those dastardly raccoons, who clearly HAVE been getting inside my car and eating dog biscuits that were stored there inside a box … and leaving crumbs all over my seat! also, i totally deny that i’ve been hiding in the bushes outside at night with a flashlight and a pistol and trying to surprise them. and by the way, just for the record, you PROBABLY shouldn’t shoot at a raccoon that’s on the hood of your car, because even if you hit him, you run the risk of over-penetrating your target and if you don’t even hit him at all, well…

ANYWAY, so what i am going to do here is return to iMDB and check out the upcoming releases and make some snide comments about whether or not i will see these films, what with summer being the season of summer blockbusters and all that jazz. because this is what i do when i’m not failing to stop the unabashed crime sprees of dog-biscuit-filled raccoons.

Will Smith in Hancock
what you can’t see behind those shades is that he’s using his new homo-novi technology to scan you for those dastardly thetans!

Hancock (opening the week of July 4th)

so, whatever, Will Smith takes steroids to look big in his films (this is a heated topic of debate where i work, but, yeah, he does) and America loves him anyway; i would say that it helps you make the leap from record to film when you rapped about Freddy Krueger as opposed to yelling “fuck the police,” but then again, even Ice Cube makes family-friendly movies these days. still, what i think we should focus on is that Will Smith is almost certainly an undercover Scientologist, as seen by this school of his, where there’s an odd emphasis on Hubbard’s learning techniques and building robots. yeah… robots. here’s a quote that highlights both of those points:

“If a teacher is showing a student how to make the robot and the student suddenly is confused, the teacher makes sure to go back to the place the student stopped understanding and re-teach that point.”

note to self: students are probably confused as to why the fuck they’re BUILDING ROBOTS. anyway, don’t give him your money if he’s just going to spend it on Sea Org suits and shit like that. and incidentally, i hear this movie sucks hardcore, though i admit that, so far, i have only heard this on the internet. but like i said, him siding with the evilest of cults is enough for me to reject him forever. just ask Tom Cruise!

verdict: i will NOT be seeing this movie. because i want Will Smith to die broke and alone.

Ron Pearlman in Hellboy II
way to always be fighting turbo-large robots and monsters and demons, Hellboy; would it kill you to talk about the ENVIRONMENT sometime?

Hellboy II: the Golden Army (opening the week of July 11th)

it seems we’ll get another dose of the most accurate movie casting of all time when Ron Pearlman hits the theaters in the second installment of the Hellboy film series; actually, to be fair, the MOST accurate movie casting of all time was when Ron Pearlman was cast as a caveman in Quest For Fire (seriously, look at him in that and convince me he’s wearing makeup), but this is pretty damn close.

Columbia or Sony or whatever had dropped the franchise, Universal picked up and ran with it, and i was surprised to see a trailer for it; upon seeing one while watching… uh… well, some movie in a theater, so let’s say “There Will Be Blood,” my initial reaction was “who let del Toro make a movie about elves?” … then, luckily, Hellboy dropped it and started socking guys in the face. i like del Toro, mostly because i can forget Mimic and excuse Blade II (which was more garbage than trying to ice skate uphill) and focus on his good work, like the Devil’s Backbone and Hellboy and Pan’s Labyrinth (okay, fine, i was only awake for MOST of that one).

so whatever, go watch Hellboy in this even though he probably won’t fight monkeys with guns or drink with skeletons or ride a goat (yet, anyway). also, Seth MacFarlane will be doing the voice work for Johann; if he says “what the deuce,” i will beat the first Family Guy fan i see in the street with a trash can like i was Sonny Corleone. there, now i have referenced that scene TWICE this week.

verdict: i WILL be seeing this movie. because Del Toro needs my money so i can get more installments of this franchise.

Eddie Murphy in Meet Dave
at times like this, what else can you say besides “Eddie Murphy? why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? why don’t you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?”

Meet Dave (opening the week of July 11th)

i will grant you that Eddie Murphy has continued to do well after ending what i would call the “good phase” of his career (you know, SNL, Trading Places, stand-up routines like Raw and Dangerous containing ACTUAL JOKES) and, frankly, after entering what i will call (after stealing the term) the “”fuck it” phase” of his career (Pluto Nash and beyond): i think those shitty Nutty Professor movies and Norbit made some money.

but seriously, who looks at the concepts of these movies – in this case, “a crew of miniature aliens operate a spaceship that has a human form; while trying to save their planet, the aliens encounter a new problem, as their ship becomes smitten with an Earth woman” – and thinks “what a great idea! this will make millions!” okay, forget the fact that Eddie Murphy’s starred in a bunch of shitty movies in this phase (Pluto Nash, I Spy, Daddy Day Care, the Haunted Mansion, Norbit) … what the hell about this idea makes it seem any good?

in fairness, though, this movie HAS brought us a massive version of Eddie Murphy’s/Dave’s head that’s been rolled from town to town in an effort to scare townspeople into going to see the movie, worshiping its power, giving it their hard-earned money and/or sacrificing their crops to it, you know, whatever. and it HAS further motivated me to build a time machine and travel back to the opening day of Coming To America to shoot Eddie Murphy so that rather than still making movies in 2008, he’ll simply be remembered as “that comic genius that died too young.”

verdict: i will NOT be seeing this movie. because Eddie Murphy is dead to me now… as of 1988!

Heath Ledger in the Dark Knight
holy fucking shit, is that the best movie poster ever or is that the best movie poster ever?

the Dark Knight (opening the week of July 18th)

so let me just say that while i do still respect Burton’s two Batman films (what with their awesome Prince soundtrack and turbo-gross DeVito Penguin and everything) and while Cesar Romero will always be the true cinematic Batman (Romero > Nicholson, that’s all) … i think Batman is the best and i am all too excited for this film. Batman Begins was solid; Bale and Oldman and all those guys were money; and i think Nolan’s a good director, and he did save us from a homeless Batman and all that. Darren Aronofsky, i love Requiem For A Dream and Pi and all that, but seriously, Batman’s supposed to be rich, you dumb fuck!

anyway, what i AM concerned about is the possible overrating of Heath Ledger; true, the kid’s a good actor and everything – i know a co-worker or three that absolutely RAVE about him saving A Knight’s Tale – and even if you’re grossed out about Brokeback Mountain, well, i hear he was the pitcher, not the catcher, and that’s got to count for SOMETHING. still, it does seem like there’s an incredible amount of hype about this performance, so while he could pull it off – fingers crossed – as a pessimist, i have to be wary.

but fuck it, i will see this film no matter what. unless i find out they cut Ghostface out of it like they did Iron Man, in which case … there will be blood.

oh, and if you cried about that one poster with the burning Batman logo on the building because of 9/11, i have some bad news for you… your body has become a massive, weeping vagina. sorry to have to break it to you on the internet like this.

verdict: i WILL be seeing this movie. because Christian Bale is the most awesome Welshman since Owain Glyndŵr.

so, there you go: see Hellboy II and the Dark Knight; avoid Hancock and Meet Dave. wheeee!