movies for the month of July… and hatin’ on them!

once again i have been sort of caught out without a real plan for how to proceed here. and for this, i blame those dastardly raccoons, who clearly HAVE been getting inside my car and eating dog biscuits that were stored there inside a box … and leaving crumbs all over my seat! also, i totally deny that i’ve been hiding in the bushes outside at night with a flashlight and a pistol and trying to surprise them. and by the way, just for the record, you PROBABLY shouldn’t shoot at a raccoon that’s on the hood of your car, because even if you hit him, you run the risk of over-penetrating your target and if you don’t even hit him at all, well…

ANYWAY, so what i am going to do here is return to iMDB and check out the upcoming releases and make some snide comments about whether or not i will see these films, what with summer being the season of summer blockbusters and all that jazz. because this is what i do when i’m not failing to stop the unabashed crime sprees of dog-biscuit-filled raccoons.

Will Smith in Hancock
what you can’t see behind those shades is that he’s using his new homo-novi technology to scan you for those dastardly thetans!

Hancock (opening the week of July 4th)

so, whatever, Will Smith takes steroids to look big in his films (this is a heated topic of debate where i work, but, yeah, he does) and America loves him anyway; i would say that it helps you make the leap from record to film when you rapped about Freddy Krueger as opposed to yelling “fuck the police,” but then again, even Ice Cube makes family-friendly movies these days. still, what i think we should focus on is that Will Smith is almost certainly an undercover Scientologist, as seen by this school of his, where there’s an odd emphasis on Hubbard’s learning techniques and building robots. yeah… robots. here’s a quote that highlights both of those points:

“If a teacher is showing a student how to make the robot and the student suddenly is confused, the teacher makes sure to go back to the place the student stopped understanding and re-teach that point.”

note to self: students are probably confused as to why the fuck they’re BUILDING ROBOTS. anyway, don’t give him your money if he’s just going to spend it on Sea Org suits and shit like that. and incidentally, i hear this movie sucks hardcore, though i admit that, so far, i have only heard this on the internet. but like i said, him siding with the evilest of cults is enough for me to reject him forever. just ask Tom Cruise!

verdict: i will NOT be seeing this movie. because i want Will Smith to die broke and alone.

Ron Pearlman in Hellboy II
way to always be fighting turbo-large robots and monsters and demons, Hellboy; would it kill you to talk about the ENVIRONMENT sometime?

Hellboy II: the Golden Army (opening the week of July 11th)

it seems we’ll get another dose of the most accurate movie casting of all time when Ron Pearlman hits the theaters in the second installment of the Hellboy film series; actually, to be fair, the MOST accurate movie casting of all time was when Ron Pearlman was cast as a caveman in Quest For Fire (seriously, look at him in that and convince me he’s wearing makeup), but this is pretty damn close.

Columbia or Sony or whatever had dropped the franchise, Universal picked up and ran with it, and i was surprised to see a trailer for it; upon seeing one while watching… uh… well, some movie in a theater, so let’s say “There Will Be Blood,” my initial reaction was “who let del Toro make a movie about elves?” … then, luckily, Hellboy dropped it and started socking guys in the face. i like del Toro, mostly because i can forget Mimic and excuse Blade II (which was more garbage than trying to ice skate uphill) and focus on his good work, like the Devil’s Backbone and Hellboy and Pan’s Labyrinth (okay, fine, i was only awake for MOST of that one).

so whatever, go watch Hellboy in this even though he probably won’t fight monkeys with guns or drink with skeletons or ride a goat (yet, anyway). also, Seth MacFarlane will be doing the voice work for Johann; if he says “what the deuce,” i will beat the first Family Guy fan i see in the street with a trash can like i was Sonny Corleone. there, now i have referenced that scene TWICE this week.

verdict: i WILL be seeing this movie. because Del Toro needs my money so i can get more installments of this franchise.

Eddie Murphy in Meet Dave
at times like this, what else can you say besides “Eddie Murphy? why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? why don’t you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?”

Meet Dave (opening the week of July 11th)

i will grant you that Eddie Murphy has continued to do well after ending what i would call the “good phase” of his career (you know, SNL, Trading Places, stand-up routines like Raw and Dangerous containing ACTUAL JOKES) and, frankly, after entering what i will call (after stealing the term) the “”fuck it” phase” of his career (Pluto Nash and beyond): i think those shitty Nutty Professor movies and Norbit made some money.

but seriously, who looks at the concepts of these movies – in this case, “a crew of miniature aliens operate a spaceship that has a human form; while trying to save their planet, the aliens encounter a new problem, as their ship becomes smitten with an Earth woman” – and thinks “what a great idea! this will make millions!” okay, forget the fact that Eddie Murphy’s starred in a bunch of shitty movies in this phase (Pluto Nash, I Spy, Daddy Day Care, the Haunted Mansion, Norbit) … what the hell about this idea makes it seem any good?

in fairness, though, this movie HAS brought us a massive version of Eddie Murphy’s/Dave’s head that’s been rolled from town to town in an effort to scare townspeople into going to see the movie, worshiping its power, giving it their hard-earned money and/or sacrificing their crops to it, you know, whatever. and it HAS further motivated me to build a time machine and travel back to the opening day of Coming To America to shoot Eddie Murphy so that rather than still making movies in 2008, he’ll simply be remembered as “that comic genius that died too young.”

verdict: i will NOT be seeing this movie. because Eddie Murphy is dead to me now… as of 1988!

Heath Ledger in the Dark Knight
holy fucking shit, is that the best movie poster ever or is that the best movie poster ever?

the Dark Knight (opening the week of July 18th)

so let me just say that while i do still respect Burton’s two Batman films (what with their awesome Prince soundtrack and turbo-gross DeVito Penguin and everything) and while Cesar Romero will always be the true cinematic Batman (Romero > Nicholson, that’s all) … i think Batman is the best and i am all too excited for this film. Batman Begins was solid; Bale and Oldman and all those guys were money; and i think Nolan’s a good director, and he did save us from a homeless Batman and all that. Darren Aronofsky, i love Requiem For A Dream and Pi and all that, but seriously, Batman’s supposed to be rich, you dumb fuck!

anyway, what i AM concerned about is the possible overrating of Heath Ledger; true, the kid’s a good actor and everything – i know a co-worker or three that absolutely RAVE about him saving A Knight’s Tale – and even if you’re grossed out about Brokeback Mountain, well, i hear he was the pitcher, not the catcher, and that’s got to count for SOMETHING. still, it does seem like there’s an incredible amount of hype about this performance, so while he could pull it off – fingers crossed – as a pessimist, i have to be wary.

but fuck it, i will see this film no matter what. unless i find out they cut Ghostface out of it like they did Iron Man, in which case … there will be blood.

oh, and if you cried about that one poster with the burning Batman logo on the building because of 9/11, i have some bad news for you… your body has become a massive, weeping vagina. sorry to have to break it to you on the internet like this.

verdict: i WILL be seeing this movie. because Christian Bale is the most awesome Welshman since Owain Glyndŵr.

so, there you go: see Hellboy II and the Dark Knight; avoid Hancock and Meet Dave. wheeee!

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