i am mentioning Seven Brides For Seven Brothers to get your attention

so sometimes i like to take a little feedback from my crazed public and use it to fuel one of these excellent updates, but unfortunately for me and my attempts to have topics, a lot of the feedback consists of remarks like “stop talking about rap music” and “wow, this Willow post is ridiculously long” and and “i really think you look like the Surfing With An Alien dude and not the Throwing Copper dude” (which, sadly, may turn into an update yet). all of this is nice, but, hey, it’s not a great topic. however, in the past i have talked about some sweet films and i’ve gotten some “did you see such-and-such a film” questions recently … so let’s do more of that. okay? okay.

SOME TALK ABOUT FILMS PROMPTED BY … UH … SOME TALK ABOUT FILMS

oh, also, there will be spoilers in this post. i’m just sayin’.

Donnie Darko
incidentally, Frank is the first thing i was reminded of when i started playing through Bioshock and all that Sander Cohen stuff popped up; regardless, this seems like a fun movie date

Donnie Darko
so, i’m pretty sure i DID make remarks about this film on the internet at some point for two reasons: a) it seems like i did (though i think it was on the old, pre-WordPress version of our house of hate, as a matter of fact) and b) everyone who uses the internet is required to post about Donnie Darko at least once. which is part of the trouble, because every film that gets so much internet attention goes through this roller coaster of getting some attention because of its merits, and then gets too much praise as the nerds go into a frenzy, and then gets a backlash because other nerds go into an opposition-themed frenzy of their own. and the latter two things are kind of sort of worthless, so let’s go back to the merit thing briefly.

now, there are some downsides to any film that involves time travel (time travel being necessarily ridiculous), but there are some solid reasons to support this film: a ridiculous guy in a rabbit suit that might be an angel (and who at least has a cool rabbit suit); Patrick Swayze as … well, anything, who cares, Patrick Swayze is awesome ALL THE TIME; an ending that’s like a reversed ending of It’s A Wonderful Life where the main character dying makes everything better (which i like much more than a version where living makes things work out); people loudly doubting other people’s commitments to Sparkle Motion. hey, i admit that even i doubt my commitment to Sparkle Motion sometimes. what man among us doesn’t?

however, it would be remiss of me to not make some negative remarks, and here’s the big one: don’t watch the director’s cut of this. it’s not necessary when you have an endearingly weird film that basically works (i mean, when time travel is involved, i think we can all overlook some things) to go back and hammer everything into our heads blatantly. i mean, don’t we WANT people to watch and re-watch a film to figure everything out and see how neatly it does or doesn’t fit together? exactly. and Richard Kelly, to be honest, i think the bad karma of this stupid director’s cut ruined your career. also, yeah, Noah Wyle and Drew Barrymore? i still don’t like you guys, even if you don’t suck here. at least Jake Gyllenhaal had the common sense to go star in Zodiac, which means i can never again hate him, no matter how many gay cowboy or Prince Of Persia movies he makes.

so, hey, go watch it. people on the internet love it and it’s got Patrick Swayze in it. there it is. which is more than i can say for…

Across The Universe
okay, if i had been able to see this strawberry-heart bullshit on the DirecTV menu, i would have overcome the persuasions of alcohol and listening to B-class versions of “For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite” and just watched Road House again

Across The Universe
so this one time, i was asked if i had seen this film called “Across The Universe”, so i asked said person if that wasn’t that film starring Brendan Fraser where he adventures into the earth in three dimensions (which i had not seen). it turns out that THAT film is called “Journey to the Center of the Earth.” so then i asked if this was the film where the dudes take a little spaceship into another dude’s body, but it turns out that THAT film is called “Fantastic Voyage.” or, possibly, “Innerspace,” which i have seen, and which is a) not as good as Fantastic Voyage and b) certainly doesn’t feature Raquel Welch having an adventure in a catsuit. that movie should probably have been called “Fantastic Raquel Welch In A Catsuit And, Also, She Has A Voyage Of Some Sort.” oh, maybe make it a Mysterious Voyage. people like mystery.

ANYWAY, it turns out that this Across The Universe movie is some musical where some dudes paid the Beatles a lot of money (like $10 million) to make a movie where people are constantly bursting out into Beatles songs, or at least walking around while Jeff Beck plays instrumental versions of them in the background, and that i hadn’t seen it yet. now, this concept might seem like a good idea at first – bear with me on this reference i like to make, but this thesis reminds me of the one from Billy Elliot, where this kid just starts fucking dancing ALL THE TIME, and somehow, this works – but would it hold up in practice? luckily for me, this film happened to come onto the satellite while i was drinking and thus, the film adventure was born!

…and then it abruptly ended, because it turns out that this movie is not a very good movie. in fact, i would go so far as to say that i HATE this movie. however, in retrospect, i should have seen this coming (and would have, if i had known what the hell was up with this film), as Across The Universe contains three things i hate: romance (ick), nudity (double ick) and goddamn motherfucking Evan Rachel Wood. i mean, come on, she has a man’s name and combines looking like she’s 14 with having sex with Marilyn Manson. and the problem there isn’t some sass about crazy May-December relationships (as i sort of support that kind of thing), but rather, THAT is why she was paid too much money to appear in one of his videos, which is terribly mercenary because you SHOULD do something like that for free for the weird rock star you’re fucking. am i wrong here?

now, to be fair, this film appeared to have solid directing (this “Julie Taymor” broad is supposedly a real director) and the costumes and set designs were fairly inventive. on the other hand, Bono snuck into this film, and Bono officially sucks more than any other man to ever come from Ireland. this film did remind me, however, of two things i think are totally awesome: a random selection of Beatles songs (because it’s not like this film was set to an orderly progression through Sgt. Pepper’s or anything) and Vietnam. in fact, i think i’m going to dedicate my mid-life crisis to riding around in Pleiku on a moped listening to “I’m So Tired” (which happens to be the best Beatles song ever) as that’s where the sky scintillates with thousands of stars. well, maybe not, but only because i don’t want to be the kind of guy that rides a moped. i would totally go hang out in Vietnam without one.

and further… if i wanted to make a crazy film with depressing moments and commentary on Vietnam, then fuck it, i would just play the White Album over a muted version of Hearts & Minds. actually, i might actually do this, because once vocalized, it seems more awesome than i had anticipated. and i am GUARANTEED more napalm and “Rocky Raccoon” if i go this route. and we can sync everything up: a little “Helter Skelter” with some Rolling Thunder footage; a little “Revolution” with some riots in South Vietnam; a little “Glass Onion” with… well, okay, i have nothing for “Glass Onion.” i’m still not even sure what that song’s about.

but let’s be fair: maybe i just have beef with musicals? i don’t know why that could be… unless it’s because, as a child i was forced to watch repeated viewings of…

Seven Brides For Seven Brothers
don’t be fooled by their aggressive posture: there’s no way this confrontation is going to end in anything other than song and dance; DISAPPOINTMENT REIGNS

Seven Brides For Seven Brothers
seriously. i will make a half-joke where i ask “do you KNOW how many times i have seen Seven Brides For Seven Brothers?” and then, before someone can say “TOO MANY TIMES HAHAHA,” i say “the answer is seven” with my sad little face. it’s not a joke; why have i seen this movie seven times? i blame my mother, because frankly, making your kid watch Seven Brides For Seven Brothers (which to be clear, is a 1954 Hollywood musical) should absolutely count as some form of child abuse.

but while we’re already here and we’re discussing it: does it bother anyone that this movie absolutely promotes the abduction of women? it absolutely does! the main character (Adam) recommends his six brothers (Benjamin, Caleb, Daniel, Ephraim, Frank, and Gideon) go and seize these six girls they like from town, based on the sound historical precedent of the rape of the Sabine women. yes, that’s right, a bunch of dudes with Biblical names are advised to make like the pagans and seize some women. granted, i know historians (uh… Livy?) claim the Romans themselves didn’t sexually assault these women… but come on. i watched Caligula, and if there’s one thing that documentary taught us, it’s that Romans will fuck ANYTHING THAT MOVES (sort of like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet).

so, fine, they abduct these girls in a thoroughly wholesome manner (or at least as wholesome as bride kidnapping gets) and there are totally G-rated hijinx all winter long and then, when the townsfolk storm the brothers’ mountain home, it all works out in the end and everyone gets married. there are NO negative repercussions, other than the ladies’ six jilted town suitors (who also get beaten up in an improbable barn-raising sequence) being, well, jilted. frankly, if i’m the father of a buxom young girl and some rednecks from the hills abduct her, and i get my gun and go up into the mountains to rescue her … well, i don’t give a fuck about the LOVE, someone’s getting shot up in that bitch.

you know what? maybe i’m being too harsh on this film, because any movie that allows me to use the phrase “beaten up in an improbable barn-raising sequence” can’t be all bad. still, i am never, ever going to watch it again. once is enough, so seven times is way too much.

also, in related matters, it turns out that i make poor decisions about what to watch on the satellite when i have been drinking, which also explains why i keep watching RoboCop 2. no, wait, that’s because RoboCop 2 is awesome. oh, and also, apparently my mother hated me as a child? breakthrough!

things we learned this week while doing… uh, whatever it is that i do

ah, it’s that time of the month where the cartoon version of me is sitting at his cartoon desk tapping his head and filling the surrounding area with adorable little question marks trying to come up with something for this week. i swear, i really tried to have something GOOD here, but instead, we’re going to do the random thing.

THIS THING ABOUT THE NAMES DOGS SHOULD HAVE

name this dog Cody ASAP
people probably want you to believe that three-legged dogs lead tough lives, but mostly they appear to be chilling out to the extreme

so, yesterday (or, rather, by the time this is published, Sunday) i was watching this Wes Anderson movie and two things occurred to me: one, that Bill Murray is pretty much hilarious and great all the time (though, as this is an established fact, i didn’t LEARN that this week) and two, that Cody is an awesome name for a dog. in fact, maybe it’s the best name for a dog ever? no, but, still, it’s pretty awesome. in fact, more people should name their dogs Cody. further, i think i should buy dogs and give them to people and tell them: “this dog is yours with only one condition: its name shall be Cody.” if they won’t call it Cody, well, dog denied!

all that being said though, the dog that inspired this stupid rant (which was named Cody somewhat randomly by Bill Murray’s character) also only has three legs, and, even worse, got left behind on an island. so maybe there’s a bad luck factor i am not taking into account. still … awesome name for a dog! and also, i did once know a dog with three feet (it had 3.5 legs) and it was actually pretty cool, so i imagine lacking a foot doesn’t HAVE to be a death sentence for a dog’s awesomeness career. side note: that dog’s owner called it “Dreifüße” which, if you know German, is just sort of mean.

THAT THING ABOUT DAVID STRATHAIRN

David Strathairn, my greatest foe
seriously, look at this picture for more than 13 seconds and tell me you don’t want to punch this dude in the face as hard as you possibly can

who? you know, David Strathairn? the actor? well, whatever, i admit that i had to look his name up as well (he’s no Joey Pants or anything) but i am sure you have seen him in something. the thing i learned this week, however, is that i haven’t seen him in anything that DOESN’T make me want to punch him in the face so hard that i fall down with him. he’s like the white, born-in-San Francisco version of Chi McBride (who i notoriously also want to punch in the face), except that no one i know defends him (yes, people i know defend Chi McBride). anyway, i watched a portion of the Bourne Ultimatum when i realized this: whatever he’s doing, it makes me want to punch him. the guy’s got 92 credits on iMDB and has played roles like Edward R. Murrow, so you’d THINK he’d occasionally not enrage me, but i either haven’t seen those films or, oddly enough, can’t recall him in them. here are some examples that spring to mind of his work that i DO recall seeing:

–the Bourne Ultimatum (2007): plays Noah Vosen, who’s probably THE smarmiest civil servant to ever be shown on screen, coming off like an asshole DMV clerk who can also have guys kill you for no reason; basically ever line he speaks makes me go crazy (something about his accent in this film, i guess); major disappointment of said film was that Matt Damon didn’t kill him.
–the Sopranos (2004, three episodes): plays the principal, Robert Wegler, who notably has sex (ugh) with Edie Falco (UGH); reasons why he sucked hardcore in this were that he forced me to watch old people have sex, he appeared in the weird shot in “All Happy Familes” with the freeze frame/wipe effect, and, oh, he was hypocritical for the purposes of getting laid or something. whatever, i just don’t want to see him naked near Edie Falco.
–L.A. Confidential (1997): plays Pierce Morehouse Patchett, a saucy high-class pimp; i suppose this is less annoying than many things he could be playing, but a pimp is still the kind of guy i generally want to punch in the face, especially when Kim Basinger talks about having sex with him. again, i don’t want to picture him naked with middle-aged women!
–Dolores Claiborne (1995): plays Joe St. George, who molests his daughter. enough said.
–the Firm (1993): “plays Ray McDeere.” wait, he was in the Firm? see, this is what i am talking about; if he’s not making me want to burst onto the film and slay him, i can’t even remember who he is or what he’s doing.
–Miami Vice (1985, one episode): wait, he was within 100 yards of Don Johnson? never mind, i take back all that shit-talking. he MUST be awesome.

ANYWAY, when i go crazy about actors, people usually tell me “you know, if he’s SUPPOSED to make you loathe him, then actually, he’s doing his job well.” now, intellectually, i can respect that, but still, why can’t i remember him doing anything that doesn’t make me want to crucify him? that’s all i am saying.

THAT THING ABOUT MY SIBLING’S BIRTHDAY
in honor of the day of my sibling’s birth, i hand-crafted her a card out of half of a turtle card.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
happy birthday, little sister, you are pretty cool so i made you this card

now, if your question is “why did you make her a weird, half-crafted card,” then the answer is, well, this is what i do for people’s occasions: i make them weird cards out of one to three “real cards” and then i write some crazy shit inside them (recent ones include topics like “i am not sure how to shop for ladles, so here is some money” and “this card can be used to get you sex from famous actresses”) or i draw some crazy cartoon on the outside (recent ones mainly include the infamous card i made for “the Tiger”). however, if your question is “which half of the turtle card,” then the answer is “THE WINNING HALF!”

so, will i have a real topic next week? eh, you know i always claim i will, but seriously, if it was easy for me to have a real topic, would i be posting photos of my crazy turtle card?

in which i talk a LOT about Nights In Rodanthe, which i will never watch

look, i’m not trying to completely go nuts over something of no consequence (or something that might not have even happened), but here’s the deal: i cannot take any more of these ads for this fucking movie Nights In Rodanthe (note that all this ranting comedy will be less reasonable and/or funny once this movie is released on 09.26.2008) and i am about ready to throw some karate moves at my television as a result.

fuck this Nights In Rodanthe shit
now i know my enemy: they’re the tea- no, wait, my enemy is whoever greenlit, produced or otherwise helped create Nights In Rodanthe

now, i am going to admit two things here: a) i am pretty much going to freak out at ANY trailer or advertisement for a romance film and b) this rant was kind of sort of already done (and better) by the A.V. Club. i can’t top that and i am not going to pretend otherwise. HOWEVER, i will say two more things in my defense: a) i didn’t actually watch that trailer at that link and b) having not done so, i was not prepared for the wave of ridiculous ads that have swarmed my basic cable channels.

slight cable-channel-related tangent: let’s not pause to mock my viewing of basic cable for two reasons: a) i actually have that satellite television thing that allows me to watch the Raiders lose every week and b) while i have premium packages as well, they don’t show the constant stream of Road House that my psyche demands. AMC and USA and everyone else are there for me when HBO is not. also, it’s not relevant that i own Road House on DVD. now back to my complaints!

ANYWAY, let’s say i didn’t object to romance films so strongly that i freaked out during a viewing of Raiders Of The Lost Ark when i realized that film had a romantic scene i had forgotten; i would still take issue with this film for several reasons. let’s run through a few of them:

ISSUES WITH NIGHTS IN RODANTHE: THE FAR TOO COMPLETE LIST OF OBJECTIONS

–the director (George Wolfe) has only directed TV productions up until now and also, apparently, acted in the film the Devil Wears Prada, so we’re clearly not talking about a dazzling talent that’s going to save this bullshit from itself.

–this movie is based on a book by Nicholas Sparks, who has been responsible for Message In A Bottle (trash), A Walk To Remember (hot garbage) and the Notebook. ah, the Notebook, the movie all ladies love to death (and there’s no use denying this, ladies) and all men hate with a burning passion because women make us watch it. seriously, if there’s ever a three-way war in the future between men, women and giant sea otters who promote atheism, the fucking Notebook will be the cause of it. bet money on that immediately.

–one screenplay writer (John Romano) worked on, among other things, Intolerable Cruelty, which stands out as one of the few scripts the Coen Brothers couldn’t make awesome, and the other (Ann Peacock) not only worked on the screenplay for Kit Kittredge, but also has the must-be-fictional last name of Peacock. i will never trust anyone by the name of Peacock.

fuck this Richard Gere shit
Richard Gere: sucking at acting in movies for decades with no serious consequences to date

–Richard Gere. do i have to elaborate on this objection any further?

–Diane Lane… well, okay, i get that she’s supposedly to be one of those “look how pretty and classy she is when she’s over 40” actresses, but let me just point out the string of films she appeared in in the last three years: Jumper, Untraceable, Killshot, Hollywoodland, Must Love Dogs and Fierce People. now, Jumper was a Hayden Christensen vehicle (trash) and Untraceable is that notorious thriller where the villain HACKS INTO HER CAR and all the real-life computer nerds want to murder the creator of said film (accordingly, it will be classified as trash). Must Love Dogs was, shockingly, yet another stupid fucking romantic comedy (hot garbage) where Diane Lane pursues John Cusack and then he holds up a boombox and all the ladies in the audience have their vaginae explode into roaring torrents of sensual wetness because Lloyd Dobler has been their dream man for years and fucking years. Fierce People and Killshot i had to look up, and not only do they sound terrible, but if i can remember JUMPER but not them… yeah (trash and more trash). and as for Hollywoodland… well, i won’t lie, i would watch that movie again; Ben Affleck doesn’t actually ruin it and Bob Hoskins is adorably gruff. look, the fact that FOUR of these seven films (counting NIR) have been pumped out in 2008 should tell you something. so what’s the point of all these words? she’s not known for picking good films to star in as of late.

also, i wanted to say “vaginas” in that above paragraph, but Windows Vista will NOT allow me to use that instead of vaginae. what the fuck?

–the trailer! all of the above would be bad but probably forgettable in and of themselves (again, it’s not like i got swarmed with promotion for Killshot or the Flock, a film that Gere was supposedly in recently), but this trailer is BAD. again, not to be redundant when it’s been done before, but it clearly shows a film packed with cheesy lines (“who keeps YOU safe?”), distressing notions (rated PG-13 for “some sensuality?” this raises more questions than it answers!), and unrealistic scenarios (Richard Gere romances a woman, not Buddha/one of those lamas/a gerbil in a tube?).

so what’s the point of all these words? well, i am not going to watch this film anyway and it’s very likely that my audience for these sweet blogs (the Irishman, Smilez and… uh… people who randomly searched for the phrase “does Auda serve” on the internet) isn’t going to either, so it’s a lot of talk for nothing, i guess. unluckily for you three guys, i just happened to be worked up about that nothing this week.

BONUS TRACKS: MOVIES I WOULD WATCH INSTEAD OF “NIGHTS IN RODANTHE” DESPITE SAID FILMS GETTING A LOT OF STATIC FOR UNRELATED REASONS

mmm... women covered in blood
wait, women covered in blood suffering anguish and pain underground? sign me up for some of that!

–the Descent: actually, the person who talked shit about the Descent was me after someone told me it was, and i quote, “the scariest horror movie i have ever seen.” my response? “i have seen the Cave, and the Cave sucked, and that’s about all the cave-based horror i can take.” but in fairness, i caved in and watched it because, let’s face it, i am not about to throw away the chance to see a bunch of sassy females suffer pain and die horribly in a cave. ha! also, the director directed Dog Soldiers, so, what the hell. and it doesn’t suck, at least not as badly as the Cave does. oh, it also bothers me that i used the unintentional “caved in” remark up there. ugh.

–the Cave: well, it sucks, but i have seen it, so TECHNICALLY i can’t act like i wouldn’t watch it before Nights In Rodanthe. something about it must have fooled me! i was probably expecting more people to suffer and die in a cave, but death was not maximized.

–Road House: duh. the question isn’t “why would i rather watch this,” but rather, “who dared talk shit about Road House being awful?”

–I Know Who Killed Me: alright, TECHNICALLY (again with that word), i haven’t seen the whole thing and i won’t actually attempt to do so, but it at least had the supposed hook of being the worst movie ever made (or close to it). i can personally vouch for the opening 15-20 minutes being terrible and awkward and just uncomfortable to watch. if someone walked in while it was on, i would quickly turn it off and stammer out excuses like i was starring in Three’s Company and Mr. Roper had just caught me in the middle of some hijinx. lucky for me no one ever comes to my house! hey… anyway, the last 15-20 minutes (which i watched while working on this update) are equally terrible and awkward. still, see how i watched this because of the intrigue? it has that over Nights In Rodanthe.

–Salò: wait, i, a notorious prude, would rather watch a ridiculous Italian film based on 120 Days Of Sodom than watch Nights In Rodanthe which should have the advantage of, you know, the love? well, the answer is yes; hell, i own the former (disgusting classic cinema makes me smile) and might even re-up on it in the future… but i refuse to set eyes on that fucking Nights In Rodanthe. at least Pasolini is a noted filmmaker who had the decency to die after making Salò; if Wolfe is willing to do the same, okay, fine, MAYBE i will reconsider. MAYBE.

the Washington Nationals: now with two Jesuses!

it’s been pretty well established here on the internet that i am not baseball’s biggest fan; the last time i went to a game, i’m pretty sure it was a Twins game at the Metrodome, i couldn’t tell you who their opponent was, and the best player on the field was Kirby Puckett. and while Puckett was, in fact, an all-time great player, for some time perspective, it’s worth noting that as of 2008, he’s been retired for 12 years and DEAD for 2 of those years. so it’s been a little while since i was taken out to the old ball game.

still, one of my fond childhood memories is being taken to an Orioles-Brewers game by my father and grandfather as a wee lad, at which time i spent the game enraging some nearby rednecks by requesting a little Brewers pennant and then waving it gleefully. and i think the Brewers won, too. even at that age, some signs of my future interaction with the world of baseball were apparent: playful mockery of sincerely disappointed Orioles fans combined with devotion on some level to small-market, mostly-currently-performing National League teams (as stated before, i am, sadly, a Pirates fan). and even then, i was such a little comedian.

so with all this in mind, i recently donned a black baseball cap promoting DC and headed to said city to take in a game of the Nationals (why oh why couldn’t they have named them the Grays) versus the Phillies. and now i have comments!

GIANT FOAM COWBOY HAT AND AIR HORN
next time i go to a sporting event, THIS is how i’m going: rocking the giant foam cowboy hat and air horn!

quality of the ball park
now, HOK Sport has currently made 14 of the operating MLB parks, with 3 more on the way and another “delayed indefinitely,” so with about 18 of the 30 teams in baseball rocking an HOK park, it’s clear they know what they’re doing. hell, in the Mid-Atlantic, they clearly run shit, with both MD teams and both PA teams having an HOK park, and the NY teams in the process of getting theirs. everyone will tell you that the Pirates’ PNC Park or the Orioles’ Oriole Park at Camden Yards (depending on whether they are a beer-swilling Orioles fan or not) are about as nice as a park can get, but the Nationals’ park is no trash heap; it’s a nice-looking park, the views are great, and there’s a plethora of sweaty middle-aged men trying to sell me peanuts. now, if only we could do something about this trash heap of a city it’s located in.

quality of the ball park’s restrooms
FANTASTIC. and having been to many a sporting event in the football vein where the restroom looks like a crime scene (when it’s not getting weirdly awkward and homoerotic), i cannot stress this enough; in fact, i may have freaked out at least one person by actively and energetically promoting these restrooms (and i will now stop doing this). now, i know what you’re thinking: this is a sign of mediocre attendance, not excellent restrooms. fuck that, whatever, those restrooms being awesome cannot be spoiled by reality.

quality of the fan base
to put it bluntly, the Nationals suck: HOK Sport makes nice parks, but they also make them for some trashy teams (Nationals, Pirates, Orioles, Marlins, Giants, Padres… the list seemingly never ends). plus, the team’s pretty new, so you don’t have the stat-crazed fans who have followed their team their entire life, or even the team history for them to discuss. this creates a nice, pleasant and somewhat dull fan base who, as you may or may not know, set the record for smallest crowd in the second game of a new facility. in short, they’re superior to dirty Baltimore fans who seem to think baseball games are actually about pounding secret bottles of vodka and dancing, but also, they may need to sign some big names and get a good team before said “superior fans” will give a shit.


as my sister would say, “I <3 the Phanatic and his 4wheeler”; it seems that living in Philadelphia really HAS ruined her

favorite opposing fan
the Nationals won this game 7-4 and everyone who was disappointed about this was pretty pleasant; i can’t say that i really saw any Phillies fan who could be stated as worse than “drunk and sad about how this all turned out,” i do have a favorite: this middle-aged guy who sat two rows behind me. some of his highlights:
-when Kyle Kendrick, who at this point had absorbed about six earned runs, got a warning for throwing a little chin music at some hitters, this fan declared “hey, i’m a Phillies fan, but they need to throw that guy out of there!” when his accompanying fan asked why, the response was “if they throw him out, maybe they’ll replace him with someone who can pitch!”
-Ryan Howard turned a single into a double with an error, prompting a response of “you fatbag, if they throw is bad, step off the bag and catch it!” this mostly cracks me up because he called Howard (who i thought was somewhat beloved in Philly) a “fatbag.” i’m not sure if that’s one word, but it seemed like it.

least favorite opposing fan
two rows down, there was this young punk who was decked out in a Hollister t-shirt and pants that, if i were to describe them as “hanging below his ass,” i would have to then follow it up with calling that a generous assessment, and i am assuming his allegiance based on his girlfriend’s pro-Utley shirt because his actions lead me to believe he could have cared less about the game. okay, so maybe i’m coming off like an old man here with all that, but fuck that kid. hey, i’m a Pirates fan, and the Nationals rank tied for 3rd in the MLB with me, but even i at least give a fuck about any game i attend and accordingly, watch it and clap at things and so on. i don’t think this kid did shit but look surly and show off his underwear. also, i am pretty confident that i could have beaten him up. i’m just saying.

least favorite home fan
okay, ladies, you know i ha- i mean, you know i love you all, but here’s the deal: while i understand that baseball is a somewhat slow-paced sport and so you need to interact and clap when you’re told to and yell when you’re told to, if you weigh over 250 pounds, don’t start fucking dancing energetically during the game. just don’t do it. especially right in front of me. and i don’t care if YOU feel secure enough with your body and/or the extra parts of it that spill out of your straining outfit, I am not secure with it. i’m afraid a balled-up groundhog of a fat roll is going to strike me in the head and kill me. sorry. and speaking of getting hit in the head…

Abraham Lincoln rules
on the day i attended, Abraham Lincoln had a dominating win in the presidential race; meanwhile, Teddy Roosevelt continued to suck spectacularly

uh… a question about this game
so, a little kid got totally SMASHED in the head by a fly ball; don’t worry, it wasn’t a line drive, but rather, a beautiful pop-up that SHOULD have been easily caught and thus become a souvenir (seriously, the awesome thing about baseball is that about 50 dudes went home with a foul ball, and in this case, 2 with home run balls) … but no, it plonked this kid right in the top of the skull. my question isn’t “why didn’t anyone warn him” (because people were yelling about the incoming ball) or “why didn’t anyone catch it” (because everyone BUT this kid and his mom were trying to) but this: since the kid appeared to be fine, is it cool that i am making fun of this?

hardest thing that happened during this game to explain to someone who doesn’t watch baseball at all
now, i am not a massive fan of baseball, so i can’t quote team lineups chapter and verse, and there are some nuances of the rules and strategy that do escape me (seriously, i know someone explained to me what a balk is, but i remain steadfastly confused). still, i’m sort of clever and i get how things work (and i can read a scoreboard), so i think i could stay on top of who was doing what to who. that said, i overheard many wives asking their husbands (or just generic women asking their men, whatever) various questions, and the number one question (well, excepting “who is that guy”) isn’t something like “how did that error make that single a double,” it’s “another pitcher? how many guys pitch in these games? ANOTHER guy is pitching? why did that guy that was winning stop pitching? why did that guy that pitched to two batters stop pitching?” seriously, ladies, you just don’t get strategy, i guess; that’s why Sun-Tzu wrote the Art of War and you didn’t. but thanks again for all that sewing and baking and being barefoot and pregnant and all that. it’s been a big help.

weirdest thing about going to a Nationals game instead of an Orioles game
okay, here’s the regional thing that all Marylanders know that makes everyone else raise an eyebrow and look at us like we should be spending some time in a mental institution: during the national anthem, Orioles fans scream “OOOOOOHHHHHH” at the whole “o say” moment to indicate… well, i think it’s supposed to indicate that they love their Os, but really, it indicates that they love their Strohs and Natty Bos more, those fucking drunks. and then they infected Redskins and Ravens games with this oh-so-terribly-clever thing that they bellow. but at a Nationals game? nothing. it was oddly… classy.

but despite all the overpriced beers and/or sun that wiped me out (seriously, i had to take a nap like an old man before getting to this), baseball game attendance in DC remains a solid way to spend the day. i suppose that’s why Kevin Costner kept making movies about baseball. seriously, Costner, you should have mixed it up a little more when you were in your prime. i’m just saying.