in which i talk a LOT about Nights In Rodanthe, which i will never watch

look, i’m not trying to completely go nuts over something of no consequence (or something that might not have even happened), but here’s the deal: i cannot take any more of these ads for this fucking movie Nights In Rodanthe (note that all this ranting comedy will be less reasonable and/or funny once this movie is released on 09.26.2008) and i am about ready to throw some karate moves at my television as a result.

fuck this Nights In Rodanthe shit
now i know my enemy: they’re the tea- no, wait, my enemy is whoever greenlit, produced or otherwise helped create Nights In Rodanthe

now, i am going to admit two things here: a) i am pretty much going to freak out at ANY trailer or advertisement for a romance film and b) this rant was kind of sort of already done (and better) by the A.V. Club. i can’t top that and i am not going to pretend otherwise. HOWEVER, i will say two more things in my defense: a) i didn’t actually watch that trailer at that link and b) having not done so, i was not prepared for the wave of ridiculous ads that have swarmed my basic cable channels.

slight cable-channel-related tangent: let’s not pause to mock my viewing of basic cable for two reasons: a) i actually have that satellite television thing that allows me to watch the Raiders lose every week and b) while i have premium packages as well, they don’t show the constant stream of Road House that my psyche demands. AMC and USA and everyone else are there for me when HBO is not. also, it’s not relevant that i own Road House on DVD. now back to my complaints!

ANYWAY, let’s say i didn’t object to romance films so strongly that i freaked out during a viewing of Raiders Of The Lost Ark when i realized that film had a romantic scene i had forgotten; i would still take issue with this film for several reasons. let’s run through a few of them:

ISSUES WITH NIGHTS IN RODANTHE: THE FAR TOO COMPLETE LIST OF OBJECTIONS

–the director (George Wolfe) has only directed TV productions up until now and also, apparently, acted in the film the Devil Wears Prada, so we’re clearly not talking about a dazzling talent that’s going to save this bullshit from itself.

–this movie is based on a book by Nicholas Sparks, who has been responsible for Message In A Bottle (trash), A Walk To Remember (hot garbage) and the Notebook. ah, the Notebook, the movie all ladies love to death (and there’s no use denying this, ladies) and all men hate with a burning passion because women make us watch it. seriously, if there’s ever a three-way war in the future between men, women and giant sea otters who promote atheism, the fucking Notebook will be the cause of it. bet money on that immediately.

–one screenplay writer (John Romano) worked on, among other things, Intolerable Cruelty, which stands out as one of the few scripts the Coen Brothers couldn’t make awesome, and the other (Ann Peacock) not only worked on the screenplay for Kit Kittredge, but also has the must-be-fictional last name of Peacock. i will never trust anyone by the name of Peacock.

fuck this Richard Gere shit
Richard Gere: sucking at acting in movies for decades with no serious consequences to date

–Richard Gere. do i have to elaborate on this objection any further?

–Diane Lane… well, okay, i get that she’s supposedly to be one of those “look how pretty and classy she is when she’s over 40” actresses, but let me just point out the string of films she appeared in in the last three years: Jumper, Untraceable, Killshot, Hollywoodland, Must Love Dogs and Fierce People. now, Jumper was a Hayden Christensen vehicle (trash) and Untraceable is that notorious thriller where the villain HACKS INTO HER CAR and all the real-life computer nerds want to murder the creator of said film (accordingly, it will be classified as trash). Must Love Dogs was, shockingly, yet another stupid fucking romantic comedy (hot garbage) where Diane Lane pursues John Cusack and then he holds up a boombox and all the ladies in the audience have their vaginae explode into roaring torrents of sensual wetness because Lloyd Dobler has been their dream man for years and fucking years. Fierce People and Killshot i had to look up, and not only do they sound terrible, but if i can remember JUMPER but not them… yeah (trash and more trash). and as for Hollywoodland… well, i won’t lie, i would watch that movie again; Ben Affleck doesn’t actually ruin it and Bob Hoskins is adorably gruff. look, the fact that FOUR of these seven films (counting NIR) have been pumped out in 2008 should tell you something. so what’s the point of all these words? she’s not known for picking good films to star in as of late.

also, i wanted to say “vaginas” in that above paragraph, but Windows Vista will NOT allow me to use that instead of vaginae. what the fuck?

–the trailer! all of the above would be bad but probably forgettable in and of themselves (again, it’s not like i got swarmed with promotion for Killshot or the Flock, a film that Gere was supposedly in recently), but this trailer is BAD. again, not to be redundant when it’s been done before, but it clearly shows a film packed with cheesy lines (“who keeps YOU safe?”), distressing notions (rated PG-13 for “some sensuality?” this raises more questions than it answers!), and unrealistic scenarios (Richard Gere romances a woman, not Buddha/one of those lamas/a gerbil in a tube?).

so what’s the point of all these words? well, i am not going to watch this film anyway and it’s very likely that my audience for these sweet blogs (the Irishman, Smilez and… uh… people who randomly searched for the phrase “does Auda serve” on the internet) isn’t going to either, so it’s a lot of talk for nothing, i guess. unluckily for you three guys, i just happened to be worked up about that nothing this week.

BONUS TRACKS: MOVIES I WOULD WATCH INSTEAD OF “NIGHTS IN RODANTHE” DESPITE SAID FILMS GETTING A LOT OF STATIC FOR UNRELATED REASONS

mmm... women covered in blood
wait, women covered in blood suffering anguish and pain underground? sign me up for some of that!

–the Descent: actually, the person who talked shit about the Descent was me after someone told me it was, and i quote, “the scariest horror movie i have ever seen.” my response? “i have seen the Cave, and the Cave sucked, and that’s about all the cave-based horror i can take.” but in fairness, i caved in and watched it because, let’s face it, i am not about to throw away the chance to see a bunch of sassy females suffer pain and die horribly in a cave. ha! also, the director directed Dog Soldiers, so, what the hell. and it doesn’t suck, at least not as badly as the Cave does. oh, it also bothers me that i used the unintentional “caved in” remark up there. ugh.

–the Cave: well, it sucks, but i have seen it, so TECHNICALLY i can’t act like i wouldn’t watch it before Nights In Rodanthe. something about it must have fooled me! i was probably expecting more people to suffer and die in a cave, but death was not maximized.

–Road House: duh. the question isn’t “why would i rather watch this,” but rather, “who dared talk shit about Road House being awful?”

–I Know Who Killed Me: alright, TECHNICALLY (again with that word), i haven’t seen the whole thing and i won’t actually attempt to do so, but it at least had the supposed hook of being the worst movie ever made (or close to it). i can personally vouch for the opening 15-20 minutes being terrible and awkward and just uncomfortable to watch. if someone walked in while it was on, i would quickly turn it off and stammer out excuses like i was starring in Three’s Company and Mr. Roper had just caught me in the middle of some hijinx. lucky for me no one ever comes to my house! hey… anyway, the last 15-20 minutes (which i watched while working on this update) are equally terrible and awkward. still, see how i watched this because of the intrigue? it has that over Nights In Rodanthe.

–Salò: wait, i, a notorious prude, would rather watch a ridiculous Italian film based on 120 Days Of Sodom than watch Nights In Rodanthe which should have the advantage of, you know, the love? well, the answer is yes; hell, i own the former (disgusting classic cinema makes me smile) and might even re-up on it in the future… but i refuse to set eyes on that fucking Nights In Rodanthe. at least Pasolini is a noted filmmaker who had the decency to die after making Salò; if Wolfe is willing to do the same, okay, fine, MAYBE i will reconsider. MAYBE.

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2 Responses to in which i talk a LOT about Nights In Rodanthe, which i will never watch

  1. Duane Toole says:

    I can NOT believe you like Road House! It was one of the first DVDs I purchased (yeah, I was late). Up until now, I thought I was the only person in the world that liked that flick.

    Another of may favorite films has Patrick Swayze in it: Donnie Darko. Have you reviewed that?

  2. janklow says:

    i think i’ve weighed in on Donnie Darko before, but it’s one of those hot-button internet issues that make the nerds go crazy.

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