things we learned this week while doing… uh, whatever it is that i do

ah, it’s that time of the month where the cartoon version of me is sitting at his cartoon desk tapping his head and filling the surrounding area with adorable little question marks trying to come up with something for this week. i swear, i really tried to have something GOOD here, but instead, we’re going to do the random thing.

THIS THING ABOUT THE NAMES DOGS SHOULD HAVE

name this dog Cody ASAP
people probably want you to believe that three-legged dogs lead tough lives, but mostly they appear to be chilling out to the extreme

so, yesterday (or, rather, by the time this is published, Sunday) i was watching this Wes Anderson movie and two things occurred to me: one, that Bill Murray is pretty much hilarious and great all the time (though, as this is an established fact, i didn’t LEARN that this week) and two, that Cody is an awesome name for a dog. in fact, maybe it’s the best name for a dog ever? no, but, still, it’s pretty awesome. in fact, more people should name their dogs Cody. further, i think i should buy dogs and give them to people and tell them: “this dog is yours with only one condition: its name shall be Cody.” if they won’t call it Cody, well, dog denied!

all that being said though, the dog that inspired this stupid rant (which was named Cody somewhat randomly by Bill Murray’s character) also only has three legs, and, even worse, got left behind on an island. so maybe there’s a bad luck factor i am not taking into account. still … awesome name for a dog! and also, i did once know a dog with three feet (it had 3.5 legs) and it was actually pretty cool, so i imagine lacking a foot doesn’t HAVE to be a death sentence for a dog’s awesomeness career. side note: that dog’s owner called it “Dreifüße” which, if you know German, is just sort of mean.

THAT THING ABOUT DAVID STRATHAIRN

David Strathairn, my greatest foe
seriously, look at this picture for more than 13 seconds and tell me you don’t want to punch this dude in the face as hard as you possibly can

who? you know, David Strathairn? the actor? well, whatever, i admit that i had to look his name up as well (he’s no Joey Pants or anything) but i am sure you have seen him in something. the thing i learned this week, however, is that i haven’t seen him in anything that DOESN’T make me want to punch him in the face so hard that i fall down with him. he’s like the white, born-in-San Francisco version of Chi McBride (who i notoriously also want to punch in the face), except that no one i know defends him (yes, people i know defend Chi McBride). anyway, i watched a portion of the Bourne Ultimatum when i realized this: whatever he’s doing, it makes me want to punch him. the guy’s got 92 credits on iMDB and has played roles like Edward R. Murrow, so you’d THINK he’d occasionally not enrage me, but i either haven’t seen those films or, oddly enough, can’t recall him in them. here are some examples that spring to mind of his work that i DO recall seeing:

–the Bourne Ultimatum (2007): plays Noah Vosen, who’s probably THE smarmiest civil servant to ever be shown on screen, coming off like an asshole DMV clerk who can also have guys kill you for no reason; basically ever line he speaks makes me go crazy (something about his accent in this film, i guess); major disappointment of said film was that Matt Damon didn’t kill him.
–the Sopranos (2004, three episodes): plays the principal, Robert Wegler, who notably has sex (ugh) with Edie Falco (UGH); reasons why he sucked hardcore in this were that he forced me to watch old people have sex, he appeared in the weird shot in “All Happy Familes” with the freeze frame/wipe effect, and, oh, he was hypocritical for the purposes of getting laid or something. whatever, i just don’t want to see him naked near Edie Falco.
–L.A. Confidential (1997): plays Pierce Morehouse Patchett, a saucy high-class pimp; i suppose this is less annoying than many things he could be playing, but a pimp is still the kind of guy i generally want to punch in the face, especially when Kim Basinger talks about having sex with him. again, i don’t want to picture him naked with middle-aged women!
–Dolores Claiborne (1995): plays Joe St. George, who molests his daughter. enough said.
–the Firm (1993): “plays Ray McDeere.” wait, he was in the Firm? see, this is what i am talking about; if he’s not making me want to burst onto the film and slay him, i can’t even remember who he is or what he’s doing.
–Miami Vice (1985, one episode): wait, he was within 100 yards of Don Johnson? never mind, i take back all that shit-talking. he MUST be awesome.

ANYWAY, when i go crazy about actors, people usually tell me “you know, if he’s SUPPOSED to make you loathe him, then actually, he’s doing his job well.” now, intellectually, i can respect that, but still, why can’t i remember him doing anything that doesn’t make me want to crucify him? that’s all i am saying.

THAT THING ABOUT MY SIBLING’S BIRTHDAY
in honor of the day of my sibling’s birth, i hand-crafted her a card out of half of a turtle card.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
happy birthday, little sister, you are pretty cool so i made you this card

now, if your question is “why did you make her a weird, half-crafted card,” then the answer is, well, this is what i do for people’s occasions: i make them weird cards out of one to three “real cards” and then i write some crazy shit inside them (recent ones include topics like “i am not sure how to shop for ladles, so here is some money” and “this card can be used to get you sex from famous actresses”) or i draw some crazy cartoon on the outside (recent ones mainly include the infamous card i made for “the Tiger”). however, if your question is “which half of the turtle card,” then the answer is “THE WINNING HALF!”

so, will i have a real topic next week? eh, you know i always claim i will, but seriously, if it was easy for me to have a real topic, would i be posting photos of my crazy turtle card?

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