part NFL safety listicle, part hyperbolicsyllabicsesquedalymistic

what with it being football season and all, i figured i should write a football-themed listicle one of these days, even if the thought of my beloved Raiders being terrible for yet another year really keeps all this professional football from being very fun. Sundays for me are less about the majestically violent ballet of football and more about crying into my alcohol as i discard my Raiders jersey in disgust.

ANYWAY, if i can be indulged in a seemingly-random story that i swear IS going somewhere, back in the days of my youth, i briefly played some youth football. despite my passion for the sport, it was an experiment that was doomed to fail, because i was forced to play on a team of kids twice my size (seriously) due to groupings by age, which made for some seriously painful collisions between myself skull and the bodies of larger children. also, our team was no better than my lot: we lost every game we played, including one 2-0 loss that we lost due to a safety from a blocked punt. i think my 50 pounds also played defensive end in that game, which should REALLY tell you something about the depths to which a youth football team can sink. more to the point, though, when i was playing, i was generally assigned the position of free safety (which is like the equivalent of me being stashed in right field when i played baseball as a kid), and now that i am a grown man (no, really, i am) who’s more about rooting for football teams than make me cry than about reliving any past high school/college football glories in pick-up and/or flag football games (you know who you are), i figured it’d be a good time for a “best safeties of all time” listicle. ready? here we go:

JANKLOW’S 13 MOST FAVORITE SAFETIES EVER (WHICH MAKES THEM THE BEST)

honorable mentions: Ken Houston (because it’s awesome that a guy named Houston once played for Houston), Adrian Wilson (see that YouTube video of his vertical leap sometime), Rod Woodson (helped get Oakland to a Super Bowl that they did, in fairness, lose horribly)

13. Stuart Schweigert (free safety, Oakland Raiders)
yeah, okay, i know, what a TERRIBLE start to the list! even if you thought i was probably going to be a little ridiculous here, it’s got to be a disappointment. but come on, have you ever seen his fierce beard? have you? it was pretty fucking awesome. plus, it was always funny to watch him slide around on the field after his latest attempt at a play. i’m not saying he’s a better safety than, say, Gibril Wilson… just that i have a soft spot in my heart for Schweigert’s beard.

by Stuart Schweigert's beard
it’s really just too bad that he didn’t have the football prowess to back up such a fearsome beard; he’s like the Ambrose Burnside of the NFL

12. Steve Atwater (free safety, Denver Broncos, New York Jets)
okay, true, Steve Atwater should not actually be on this list: he played for the Broncos, whom we all know to be a team of cheating murderers and child molesters, and i should accordingly hate him eternally. that said, Atwater’s notorious hit on Christian Okoye on Monday Night Football gets him on this list, as it was a great day for men of smaller statures playing safety in the NFL. however, it IS worth noting that he stole his fucking nickname from a better player.

11. Andre Waters (free safety, Philadelphia Eagles, Arizona Cardinals)
i suppose it’s around this point where you might start to notice that i give the highest marks to the hardest-hitting safeties out there, and Waters was assuredly one of those. and even beyond that and the fact that he was nicknamed “Dirty Waters” and caused a rule about hitting QBs to be developed (unofficially termed the “Andre Waters” rule), one should read Mark Bowden’s book “Bringing The Heat” to get a good look at Waters essentially having multiple personalities, one of which wanted to kill Emmitt Smith. and hey, Waters hit guys so hard it caused HIM to die. okay, that last one was a little much.

10. Brian Dawkins (free safety, Philadelphia Eagles)
okay, it’s widely known that i am supposed to hate Dawkins (for being an yet another dastardly Eagle on this list and for that infamous suplexing of Brian Westbrook), but really, how can i? he’s a punishing hitter, he’s got a child-like obsession with comic books (see also his “Weapon X” nickname and his locker that’s apparently full of action figures), and he wears that cool visor! really, i think those visors are very cool. i’m just saying.

by Brian Dawkins' visor
not visible: the aforementioned visor, which a certain quarterback is about to become very familiar with in a short time

09. Pat Tillman (strong safety, Arizona Cardinals)
there is basically one reason i own a Cardinals jersey among the rest of my Tim Brown-heavy jersey collection, and it’s not the previously-referenced Adrian Wilson, though he is pretty cool; the correct answer would be “uh, Pat Tillman.” rather than dwell on all the conflicting reports of his social beliefs or the circumstances of his death or the rah-rah “9/11 NEVER FORGET” nature of his enlistment, i’ll just say this: not only did he quit the NFL to go into the military, but he also once declined a bigger contract out of loyalty to the Cardinals. and speaking of the Cardinals…

08. Larry Wilson (free safety, St. Louis Cardinals)
now, to be honest, i never really followed the Cardinals (especially as they were long the rivals of the Redskins), so i’m not that familiar with the legend of Larry Wilson; Wilson is mostly getting on this list by virtue of the fact that he once intercepted a pass while playing with casts covering his TWO BROKEN HANDS. this is the kind of awesome feat that makes me not need any more information about you to know you’re a bad man to mess with. i also assume this is basically why no one cared about Tyvon Branch picking a pass off with a mere one cast on one hand (well, that and him playing for Oakland).

07. George Atkinson (strong safety, Oakland Raiders, Denver Broncos)
to be honest, i recall Atkinson being a free safety (mainly due to who i recall him playing with), but the internet disagrees, so we’ll go with SS. it’s very true that Atkinson is not nearly as good a player as some of those ranked below him (that group does include a couple of Hall of Fame players) … but he DID brutalize Lynn Swann with forearm smashes to such an extent that Swann was twice concussed and Chuck Noll called Atkinson part of the “criminal element” in football. and that’s just cold-blooded enough to make this list.

06. Troy Polamalu (strong safety, Pittsburgh Steelers)
some guys i know don’t care much for Polamalu because they think he’s overrated, but even though i hate the Steelers, i know a quality safety when i see one. Polamalu’s a very classy guy, his distinctive hair is pretty cool (even when Larry Johnson is using it to abuse him) and he now stars in that neat David Fincher ad, so while he’s a recreational flower-grower, he can show up on this list. it doesn’t hurt that when he talked about awesome guys who couldn’t play in today’s NFL due to it becoming “like a pansy game,” he mentioned Dick Butkis, Ronnie Lott… and Jack Tatum. plus, i’ve personally gone through both his and his wife’s belongings, though purely for work-related reasons, i can assure you.

by Troy Polamalu's flowing mane
Troy Polamalu: not quite a Muppet, not quite a Biblical figure known for his power-giving hair and enemy-crushing; he’s like a mystery inside an enigma wrapped in a curtain of steel!

05. Ed Reed (strong safety, Baltimore Ravens)
the internet claims he’s a free safety, but i could have SWORN he entered the league as a strong safety, though maybe i was just fooled by some year’s version of that Madden videogame. oh well, he’s still a nice guy and an absolute interception machine (as well as making some dazzling plays in the process), so while he’s not as brutal of a hitter as some here, he’s all about the turnovers… and that’s really what gets you in the Hall of Fame.

04. Bob Sanders (strong safety, Indianapolis Colts)
he’s tiny (5’8″) and yet he absolutely crushes guys, which makes he all the more frustrating that he plays with such abandon that he’s always hurting HIMSELF in the process. still, when he’s not injured on the bench, he’s one of those players that elevates his defense to a higher level. i also find it funny that he seems to collect nicknames: the Hitman, the Sandman, the Hulk, etc. can’t we just agree on ONE of them by now?

03. Sean Taylor (free safety, Washington Redskins)
i actually really disliked Taylor for some time when he was first in the league, as he was a great player with a shitty attitude (a key example here would be the spitting-on-Michael Pittman incident); i even went so far as to tell my sibling i would never buy any Redskins fan anything that commemorated Taylor. but then it seemed like he actually got a handle on being a good guy shortly before getting killed, which makes all of the above a shame. more to the point: an absolutely awesome safety who pumped out vicious hits.

02. Ronnie Lott (strong safety, San Francisco 49ers, Oakland Raiders, New York Jets, Kansas City Chiefs)
true, Lott played CB and FS as well, but when you’re known for hitting guys as hard as Lott did, you should just be considered a strong safety and leave it at that. and this list is all about safeties hitting people as hard as humanly possible. plus, there was that whole thing about him having the tip of a finger removed, though the part about it being during a game would appear to not be true. every single player who hits hard is compared to Lott, though it might be because they overlook:

by Jack Tatum's fearsome aura
while Sammy White would eventually find his helmet, his soul would remain stolen by Jack Tatum’s fearsome hit

01. Jack “the Assassin” Tatum (Oakland Raiders, Houston Oilers)
if i make a joke about him being the best ever because as hard as Ronnie Lott hit, he never killed anyone, is it too soon? perhaps. still, Tatum’s known for vicious hits (and not the Immaculate Reception, which was NOT A CATCH) for a reason: in college, he once knocked out an opposing team’s entire supply of QBs; his hit that knocked off Sammy White’s helmet in Super Bowl XI is fairly memorable as well. no other safety compares to him (at least not in my book, anyway).

so there it is: Tatum’s the best, and that’s that. also, i have some bonus materials!

ADDENDUM TO LAST WEEK’S NC-17 ANTHROPOLOGY POST

so i came home halfway drunk last week and when i sobered up, i forgot some of the things i had meant to cover in that update; not a big deal, but rather than let them be lost to the sands of time, let’s just cover them right here, right now!

-so i was driving home, quite sober but feeling no pain at all, when i realized the following musical fact: two of the best songs to drive around to at 3:30 AM while smoking a fine Dominican cigar are Isaac Hayes’ “Hyperbolicsyllabicsesquedalymistic” and Santana’s “Soul Sacrifice.” seriously, give it a try some time.

-so the whores dance to a variety of music: some appropriate, some lame, some just too direct. case in point: you don’t really need a song that declares “show me your pussy” as part of the lyrics; that’s your JOB. weirdest, however, was one whore dancing to Pantera’s “Walk.” really? Walk? a raging 1990s metal tune from Pantera? seriously? it just didn’t make sense.

okay, we’re good here. maybe next week we’ll have something about Fallout 3?

NC-17-rated anthropology: inside the “den of whores” II

DISCLAIMER: not only is this topic a little redundant, but i don’t even use the phrase “greased vaginas” in it this time. so if that’s what bothered you LAST time, well, rest easy!

so redundancy aside, once again our elite research team (myself, my loyal enforcer Smiles, a assortment of married men and our local “swordsman”) assembled itself for the purposes of going after more research on what i called last time “the sordid side of things.” our destination varied slightly because, you know, we’re major science dudes and, thus, we ALSO need access to discounted chicken wings and, for myself, a lot of televisions showing a constant stream of football so that i can avert my eyes from all that disgusting naked flesh.

actually, in fairness, this particular strip club has been good luck for me; the last time i was taken there, i spent the entire time watching the football game while my fantasy opponent for the week kept text messaging me repeating things like “oh man, fuck you, Addai is killing me, fuck you, good luck next week.” that’s right: i’m such a nerd that i can take a tale that involves naked dancing women and make the only relevant story my fantasy football team’s success.

awesome, awesome Joseph Addai
Joseph Addai scoring a touchdown: more or less interesting than naked ladies?

we also took a couple of unpaid interns with us who had never engaged in such a scientific study before, which was worth its weight in ridiculousness as, well, when the youth of America get totally hammered and demean themselves, it can be fairly funny. hey, if i could have found a three-legged dog named Cody, i would have brought him as well.

our discoveries?

the clientèle

-remember the part about how “i always get depressed to see these sad, middle-aged guys who are posted near the stage/bar, staring intently?” yeah, what was immediately spotted? two guys fitting this exact description, one of whom was a fat dude in a yellow hat, and one of whom might have been Deepak Chopra. seriously. and apparently, they had THE seats for middle-aged staring guys, because these two seats rotated through a small collection of them: all sad and paunchy and clumsily desperate to put those one-dollar bills you know where. (the answer, as bellowed by our loyal semi-retarded janitor, is “IN THERE” combined with a crude, crude hand gesture.) this is still sad, but i think Deepak Chopra was at least legitimately medically examining a couple of these dancers; his stare was THAT intense and i will bet you that if any of their hairy axe wounds was diseased, he WOULD have seen it.

-also spotted hanging out in this classy establishment: this fat guy who was a) balding and b) rocking a mullet, thereby achieving what was identified by Smilez as a “skullet.” i suppose this is one of those “just when you think these dudes in here couldn’t get any sadder” moments, but in fairness, this guy seemed pretty jovial, so i guess we should at least assume he’s not terminally depressed at this point in his life. though i suppose having access to both a) cash and b) women essentially selling themselves for that cash will give a man with a skullet that kind of feeling.

terrible, terrible haircut
yes, shockingly, when you have a haircut like this, you might just have to pay naked women if you want them to touch you

-so not that this kind-of, sort-of makes fun of anyone we went there with… but if you take a guy to such a club who appears to have some social awkwardness AND some money to burn AND who have never been to such an establishment before… well, hell, those whores are going to swarm on him like flies on shit. and yes, that’s EXACTLY as classy a metaphor as i want to use in this circumstance. let’s not try to put a beautiful gold coating on such a circumstance, okay?

-actually, most people didn’t look like massive douchebags this time, but there was this one guy there in a 1980s-style tracksuit (i think i described him as “Run-DMC over there”) who i am pretty sure not only was a douchebag, but also is a guy i could beat up. i grant you that i’m totally tiny and just get a little aggressive when i am drinking and surrounded by things that anger me, but i swear, i think all 148 pounds of me would have won that fight. as i think i said riding around in a car in Baltimore this one time hammered and trying to hang my head out the window Joker-style, “i’m just saying i will fight that guy right now. i don’t care.”

the staffing and the whor- i mean, the classy young ladies

-to take a small break from making fun of the whores, i actually want to make fun of the non-whore staffing, starting with the security. so here’s the thing: it doesn’t really do anyone any good to have a metal detector if the door staff is nowhere to be found while a crowd of guys (we try to roll deep, you know) cruises through it and all of them are setting it off. and i want to point out that i further prepared myself by leaving behind all possibly objectionable items (wallet chain, cell phone, the majority of my “work knives” and “murder knives,” the latter being an inside joke i guess the internet isn’t up on yet) … and in the end it was for no reason at all. but hey, security, way to make a guy i was with who’d been doing nothing but drinking at the bar and being disgusted by the whores turn his ball cap around. way to be on the job!

-also, about the guy that hangs out in the bathroom and offers you soap, towels and, yes, candies: so, i get that you’re there to make sure guys aren’t jerking off in the stalls, but a) isn’t it going to be hard to catch them when you’re on your cell phone the entire time? and b) i hope you appreciate that i tipped you. i don’t know why i did this; all a guy who’s hanging out in a bathroom does for me is make it awkward to urinate. and i didn’t even get any of your candy!

terrible, terrible jobs that involve bathrooms
i don’t care how nice the bathroom is, i don’t care how nice the uniform or supplies are; this whole “bathroom attendant” thing can’t be pleasant for anyone involved

-so here’s what’s classy: a luxury sedan (which i assume is paid for with the hard-earned money those sad middle-aged men have been stuffing into the garters and panties and whatever else you can put money into) in the parking lot of a strip club … with a baby seat in the back of it. look, we all know you’re here to pay for those college classes/drugs/ill-advised baby had at the age of 16, but come on, let’s not spoil the illusions for those of middle-age and social-awkwardness, okay?

-so while i am generally disgusted by the pseudo-prostitutes working in these establishments (i mean, come on, they’re heavily greased up and often filled with plastic surgeries and/or massive quantities of drugs), i do like to take the position that i respect their hustle, because it’s not like they’re ROBBING people. and generally these “ladies” seem pretty sharp at said hustling, as evidenced by their romancing of middle-aged men with or without skullets and those naive young men reference above. but that being said, here’s the thing: when guys send said “ladies” over to harass your hero janklow, who is NEVER going to give them a goddamn dime, if you don’t realize that fact and stop wasting time (and money, as i have often heard that time = money) on said janklow ASAP … well, frankly, it decreases the amount of respect i have for you.

random thoughts?

-alright, the headbutting thing. so a colleague of ours (who was quite hammered and also possibly familiar with the cannabis sativa) came out, and the last time i saw him was when i was heroically drunk and DEMANDING headbutts. we know how that worked out; i got a huge lump on my head that i wanted to cut open and look inside (i didn’t) and everyone else got a good laugh. note, however, that these were controlled, intentional headbutts. that didn’t happen this time when, after declaring myself “too sober” to want headbutts, i got a surprise one from a guy twice my size. and another. and then another five, bringing our total to “seven too many.” front-of-the-head headbutts aren’t that bad, but when they’re to the side or, worse, the back of the head … well, fuck that. the second-to-last one was this superman headbutt out of nowhere to the back of my head, and let me just say this: i think part of my brain exploded. that shit hurts RIGHT NOW. and not “right now when i’m writing this” (Tuesday) but “right now, as in, i’m betting it’s still sore on Friday when this gets published.” no more headbutts!

-this club had a $5 hamburger special. i am sure it would have been gross and diseased, but you know what? i really want to know what a $5 strip club burger is like. why didn’t i order one?

terrible, terrible hamburger, possibly
found this searching the internet for “strip club burger”; it actually appears to be worth $5, though who knows if this actually came from a strip club’s kitchen or not

conclusion: things we learned
-as always, naked ladies make guys do pathetic things;
-you can apparently get $5 hamburgers at the kind of place you’d NEVER want to order food at;
-headbutts (and, additionally, violent choking) at the hands of huge men are painful and, frankly, should not be repeated if you can help it. seriously, i think i’ll be paying someone for personal protection next time.

Ænima, or “that rage-filled update i promised last week”

this week’s update has been named in honor of the Tool song (“Ænima”) that i like to listen to when i’m feeling a little down; while i have my issues with Tool – they never came back in full force, in my opinion, from their post-Ænima hiatus and, frankly, i blame Maynard James Keenan for this one time i spent far too much time in the seventh circle of hell, also known as “Camden, NJ” – that album and that song rocked with great quality, and like i said, the track always makes me smile. “Ænima” can be basically boiled down to lamenting how much California sucks and wanting to see it destroyed by god/one’s mother; there’s also some anti-Scientology cracks and Bill Hicks references in there, and those things always make me smile. i think the sentiment is accurate; i’d just extend it to “all nations and states and people and things” and go from there.

the last album before the deluge
’cause i’m praying for rain, and i’m praying for tidal waves; i wanna see the ground give way, i wanna watch it all go down…

ANYWAY, with that sentiment in mind, while i’m not about to come up with a vacation from “all this stupid shit,” i DID get annoyed enough to come up with some choice words for some choice people and things. enjoy!

ON PROPER BEHAVIOR IN THE MEN’S ROOM

so i recognize that this can be an awkward time for all of us, what with the excrement and cleanliness packed so close together, but that’s also why i demand a higher standard of personal behavior in there; things get awkward enough as is when we’re all trying to urinate in peace as a mentally-handicapped janitor begins to sing a little song about how he must “stab people in the face, make them feel my pain” WITHOUT adding any of the following to it, which MUST stop immediately:

01. flicking your wet hands towards me after washing them; i get that water is both a) unpredictable and b) Bruce Lee’s favorite drink, but there’s a difference between a stray drop and you blasting me with the damp filth on your hands.

02. almost walking into me while closing your pants up; turning around while zipping up MIGHT be okay, but walking five to ten feet towards me and almost crashing into me as both your hands flail about in your crotch/pants like trapped birds? UNACCEPTABLE. you know what? just zip up and THEN walk away.

03. talking on your phone while a) at a urinal or b) having some kind of bowel movement i can only identify as “explosive diarrhea that i think killed the person involved.” maybe me you think this is saving time, but let me just say this: if someone was to call me during an event like those and i was to find out about it, i would beat him worse than Al Capone did when he beat two guys to death with a baseball bat, which would later be chronicled in the Untouchables in weird baseball-metaphor form. “If his team don’t field… what is he? You follow me? No one.” yes, YOU, guy who might as well be shitting directly into his phone, are no one.

just a friendly game of baseball
this guy, you see, had earlier called Capone from a bathroom stall and, well, let’s just say that Alphonso there found out about the events in question

04. striking me with your cart, mentally-handicapped janitor, as i go out of my way to avoid it. seriously, i made all the effort and you still crashed it into me. terrible! this is also not made better by the fact that said janitor has been caught at one time or another engaged in random acts like “half-naked dumpster urination” and “semi-public masturbation.” ugh.

ON ALL THIS “BAILOUT NOISE,” AS I WAS CALLING IT

to the people that are responsible for this mess, all i have to say is that no less of a capitalist than Andrew Carnegie said something along the lines of “he who dies rich, dies disgraced.” now, i grant you that i don’t think he ever forced himself to go without once he could otherwise and that, more to the point, many of you are without shame. but there’s a reason why we talk about things that are done for the greater good; if you can make money WITHOUT fucking up the goddamn economy for some short-term profits, why would you not do that? what the hell makes you so goddamn short-sighted?

Congress is just another word for trash
see what kind of images you come up with when you search for the word “assholes?” weird, isn’t it?

to the people freaking out about this mess (which i guess TECHNICALLY includes me), here’s the deal: stop checking your stock portfolio every 13 minutes and stop pretending there’s a vast disconnect between those greed mongers and yourself. yeah, okay, a couple of you are more responsible and/or have a bit more common sense and when you’re in a lower income bracket, the stakes are higher. i have more sympathy for you guys as a general rule. but when people start taking notions like “don’t give them a bailout, give US that money and all problems will be solved” seriously … well, look, it’s clear you’re not less comfortable with the notion of short-term greed causing long-term suffering than those executives are. i’m just sayin’.

ON THE ELECTION

you know what? i’m going to keep this brief, because i really don’t care anymore. a week or three ago, you know, all you Obama fans and all you McCain fans were driving me crazy with your nonsense and your babbling and it was a little much to take, but now… i basically don’t care anymore. all the hyperbole and mudslinging and racism, well, i’m disgusted with it all, but at this point, i’m a little tired. and yes, each side would look at that sentence and say “see, he’s talking about the other guys.” no, i am talking about BOTH sides. or ALL sides, because i don’t exempt third parties from shitty behavior. you’re not special, your candidate’s not special, and it’s all very, very exhausting.

okay, i admit it, i kind of trailed off at the end there, but what more can i say? that i could use a vacation from this bullshit three-ring circus sideshow of freaks? that i don’t want to be called a pessimist for voicing this sentiment? it is what it is.

doppelganger II: Throwing Copper > Surfing With The Alien

disclaimer: i’ve been quite ahead on my updates in recent weeks, and i was going to punch out something righteously angry in regards to all this bailout noise and the upcoming election and, also, people striking me with carts in the bathroom. but then this adventure happened where i was driving around at midnight and had to come to the rescue of ponies in the road, and a bunch of time was eaten up and i was less about writing something angry and more about having some sweet liquor to ease my pain and then going the hell to sleep ASAP. the end result? i had weird dreams about being a murderous post-apocalyptic cowboy and YOU get this week’s update about what i look like. enjoy!

but then again… i DID promise that this was going to come up again in the near future, so here goes: we have this work associate, who we’ll call “Diddy,” who subscribes to many ridiculous notions (which include things like “Quiet Riot is an awesome band” and “LOST is fundamentally watchable television”), which we mostly attribute to him being a kid. in related matters, there’s a theory we’re kicking around the workshop here says that people 21-and-under haven’t gotten fully-formed brains yet, nothing concrete, but we’ve got our top men on it. what men? TOP MEN.

ANYWAY, one of these crazy notions involves your loyal servant janklow looking like Joe Satriani, which is something he likes to repeat, mostly in the form of statements like “you look like Joe Satriani” and “anyone that says you look like Ed Kowalczyk can eat a bag of dicks.” okay, in fairness, he did not use the phrase “can eat a bag of dicks” – i think he actually ran with “is wrong about your appearance” instead – but isn’t it funnier with the whole bag of dicks thing here? it’s delightfully vulgar! unless you’re a little kid, in which case, you need to have a talk with your parents about the kind of language only grown-ups can use and, also, assume for the sake of this argument that i (janklow) am a grown-up and not an eight-year-old. thanks.

now, we’ve told him many times that he’s inaccurate, that most people who claim i look like someone of note mention Kowalczyk, that he needs to shut up for reasons that have nothing to do with this discussion and so on, but he’s pretty adamant. and since this might be more than just his obsession with “notable rock guitarists” – don’t even get me started on the time that he couldn’t eat a taco because it looked “exactly like the lower back of Randy Rhoads” – i figured it’s time to talk about it on the internet, where i can post pictures and where NO ONE CARES. on with the case!

EXHIBIT A: ED KOWALCZYK

Kowalczyk versus janklow
just look how EMOTIONAL we’re getting as a result of our respective rocking out/pantomiming … it brings you to tears, doesn’t it?

theory espoused by: most people that know me that find themselves in a “hey, what celebrity do you think i look like”-themed conversation; women
similarities: both of us hail from the mid-atlantic region and admit a grudging respect for Tricky’s trip-hop stylings; both respect the awesomeness of a shaven head
key differences: ability to sing songs; many photos of Kowalczyk on the internet have him wearing a pink shirt, whereas i never wear a pink shirt
commentary: now, he was discussed in the original post about this nonsense, so i admit we’re not treading fresh ground here to the extent that i just cut and pasted the above notes from the older post. so what? it covers everything just fine! anyway, the key point to bear in mind here is that Kowalczyk is the people’s choice when it comes to this debate.

EXHIBIT B: JOE SATRIANI

Satriani versus janklow
yes, that’s right, i’m being so lazy about this as to just have pasted Satriani’s face over that of Buscemi’s from last time on the grounds that these expressions were the most similar. what else can i say?

theory espoused by: Diddy AKA “the Dude”; no one else, ever, under any circumstances
similarities: well, actually, to repeat, “both of us hail from the mid-atlantic region and respect the awesomeness of a bald head”; common fondness for robots, apparently (i draw them all the time, he writes songs about their adventures); both of us were once the lead guitarist for Deep Purple in the 1990s
key differences: ability to play guitar; many photos of Satriani on the internet have him wearing sunglasses, whereas i never wear sunglasses or, if you will, “hater blockers”
commentary: well, oddly enough, there IS one advantage to running with this comparison: Satriani is probably better at what he does (rock guitar) than what Kowalczyk does (rock vocals that reflect mystical tendencies or some internet-explained noise like that), so i guess it’s better to look like the guy that’s better at what he does? still, i’m not going to acknowledge that some damn kid knows better than me what i look like.

EXHIBIT C: SMALL DOG ATTACKING A SOCCER BALL

a puppy
okay, okay, insert some commentary about American rejection of soccer as a sport here; i’m a little too tired to come up with something funny right now

wait… there’s no exhibit C! that’s just a random picture of a small dog i photographed! it doesn’t have anything to do with this update! wow, quality control is really substandard this week. still, isn’t that dog adorable? well, it was then; now it’s much bigger and it punches me in the mouth and tries to chew my bald head. they grow up so fast…

CONCLUSION(S): IN WHICH THINGS ARE RESOLVED AND THEN I GET A CHIPWICH, OKAY?

after some discussion with myself and this cat i found outside my house, i have reached the following conclusions:

01. i probably still look more like Kowalczyk than Satriani, but maybe it’s worth noting that Satriani and i appear to have more in common in terms of “darker body hair as seen on our forearms in photographs” … though maybe that’s actually just creepy to talk about, really;
02. my above thesis of “Throwing Copper > Surfing With The Alien” is mostly about the fact that i am more likely to listen to Live (who have a total of one (1) good song) than some guitar virtuoso bullshit (sorry, Buckethead, but it is what it is);
03. this is WAY too much time to spend talking about myself;
04. cats don’t like getting sprayed with water at all!

okay, i’m done, i’m going to go have some additional drinks to ease my aforementioned pain, and i hope you found some jokes in this update. and if you didn’t… well, take your ticket stub up to the box office and we’ll take care of you out there. be sure to tune in next week, when our musical guests will be the Nikolai Tesla Experience and all proceeds will be going to support the tornado relief fund of the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. good night, and drive safely.

feminism … annoys me, especially in regards to films

ah, feminists: that group that i hate mostly because i am pretty sure they hated me first. and how could anyone hate me? i’m this century’s Dennis the Menace! now, granted, “feminism” is sort of a complex topic and involves all those women that supposedly fought the righteous fight for their liberties, like the suffragettes from the nineteenth century and, apparently, a massive amount of prostitutes. hey, don’t look at me, it’s the prostitutes that claim they’re feminist icons (which i mainly blame on Pretty Woman tricking them into thinking they had a respectable occupation when, in fact, any movies that have Richard Gere chasing ladies are based on lies). i mostly just call them whores.

ANYWAY, at this point, “feminism” mostly applies to that second generation/Women’s Lib era of really boring and annoying talking heads, and that’s pretty much who i have this who-hated-who-first battle going on with; i am blaming them for starting it because i am pretty sure these ladies were talking shit about me before i was even born. my key opponents include the following:

-Susan Brownmiller: i am pretty sure that she claimed 113% of women have been raped and that rape is a vast conspiracy of all men (who, as we all know, are all about working together all the time) to keep women “in their place,” which would make it a conspiracy that seems to neglect all those pesky laws making rape illegal (aside from Maryland’s brief “if you get permission to get in, hey, take all the time you need to finish” law). okay, okay, i really don’t mean to make light of rape and all that comes with it, but Brownmiller started it when she put me in a conspiracy theory. also, she was hilariously unfunny debating with Hugh Hefner that one time.

-Andrea Dworkin: yeah, so, this is where that stereotype of man-hating feminists comes from, what with the “all heterosexual intercourse is rape” thing and all. wait, i think i was told not to put that in quotes… but hey, she’s dead now, what’s she going to say about it?

-Betty Friedan: wrote the Feminist Mystique, which committed the crime of BORING ME TO DEATH.

-Gloria Steinem: i mean, okay, she’s Batman’s mother-in-law, so you’d think she’d be aligned with the forces of good, and i am pretty sure she argued in defense of letting women get groped by men if said men were “cool about it” (these quotes are fake as well, but the argument is more accurate than you’d expect). so far, it seems like issues with her should be minimal. but then i remember that’s she’s prone to Brownmiller-esque fits of non-humor and also compared my “acceptable feminist” to Hitler. that feminist would be Camille Paglia.

Camille Paglia
Camille Paglia: keeping janklow from hating all feminists since 1947

so the next time someone tells you that yours truly is a woman-hating, right-wing prude (or stooge, because the term “stooge” sounds more comedic), just remember that my personal library includes books by Paglia. that i bought for myself. while sober. yeah, i know, kids, i’m scared too!

ANYWAY, wow, this intro was really long, because this update was supposed to be more about how feminism has wormed its way into my precious movies and, you know, ruined them. again, some other website got all over this topic, but since my thought on reading that article was “wow, they got after some of the same shit i am always getting after,” i figure i am entitled to get after the same topics in a fashion that’s more bitter and less funny and then call it a day. okay? is that alright? then let’s do this thing.

SOME BULLSHIT IN FILMS I ONCE WATCHED THAT I MOSTLY BASE ON FEMINISM

Summer Glau as River Tam
that’s a very cute pose, Ms. Glau, but unfortunately, i don’t think you could kick my ass even WITH the axes or swords or whatever the fuck those space weapons are called

Firefly/Serenity: River Tam
okay, River Tam is probably THE epitome of female characters who are clearly too small to be doing the shit they’re doing on screen. look, Summer Glau is like 5 feet tall and probably weighs about 13 pounds, so i don’t care how much of a “perfect assassin” she’s trained to be, she doesn’t have the physical ability to kick that degree of ass. this, you see, is typically why those perfect female assassins SHOOT PEOPLE.

here’s a comparison: look at Summer Glau pretending to beat people up in Serenity and then Adam Baldwin pretending to beat people up in the same film. skipping over the issue of “she fights 20 people like Steven Seagal did, which is to say, one at a time, only more balletically, if balletically is a word, which Windows claims it is not.” see how it appears that her throws and kicks wouldn’t do ANYTHING to ANYONE and it’s just a stupid dance? now see how it looks like Adam Baldwin could actually punch someone in the face successfully? this is what i am talking about. this is also why the “bad-ass female” thing works better in films like Sin City where characters like Miho kill people with arrows. it’s believable that a small women could kill me with an arrow. otherwise, you can go the Dark Angel route and just claim that your tiny lady was “genetically engineered” to be awesome. yeah, it sounds lame, but at least it gives you the out.

uh, a dinosaur
not pictured: shitty fucking Lex not being eaten by a T-Rex, the lack of eating Lex being the greatest of all the T-Rex’s failures in this film (narrowly beating out “failing to escape and destroy human society”)

Jurassic Park: Alexis “Lex” Murphy
okay, this might seem like a weird nitpick, but hear me out: in the book, Tim is the kid that knows about PCs and about dinosaurs, and his sister Lex is just there (like some real people are); in the film, Tim is now younger and knows only about dinosaurs, his sister having been made older and the computer-user. now, i am sure the argument here is that this change makes her character more “excellent,” but it seems to me like pandering. there’s no drama when the kids are fleeing from dinosaurs unless they BOTH have useful skills?

plus, this movie is already sort of bloated (the whole dinosaur DNA thing is neat and all, but the long-winded chats about science work better in book form), so i imagine that they didn’t want to have a character in it without a purpose … but this is where i would say “okay, let’s just keep Tim the same and drop Lex. after all, we already have this Dr. Sattler character, who’s a lady and who also has a real job and, if i recall correctly, races a dinosaur at one point. maybe if we NEED more excitement, she could fight a dinosaur with a spear?” every scene with the kids should work with just him alone, right? so why didn’t this happen? i have no answers, but i DO blame Gloria Steinem.

Miranda Otto as Eowyn
this picture sums up all my feelings towards the character of Eowyn, which can also be summed up with the following word: TERRIBLE

Lord Of The Rings: the Two Towers & the Return Of The King: Eowyn
yes, fine, i have railed against the whole Eowyn-versus-the Witch King many times (sometimes recently) and maybe it’s a little tired, but maybe that highlights how much i object to that scene. however, we can approach this from a different point of view: aside from that fight, her character still completely sucks. really, the fight is galling because it’s the apex of this NEED to have a female character that’s SO AWESOME and ASS-KICKING and THE BEST EVER… which isn’t even necessary. her character is theoretically a) royalty and b) in a position to be responsible and keep track of all those riders of Rohan and their families, thus allowing her to be an ideal woman who’s perfectly capable of running a nation as well as all those men. but THIS notion is cast aside in favor of proving she’s more equal than equal because she’s equally “Tolkien-style awesome” even though a) she’s half the size of those soldier-types and b) she’s clearly much less experienced than those soldier-types. she’s supposed to be a killing machine because she dances around with a sword and never sees combat? and she can’t achieve anything without seeing combat? FUCKING LAME.

i would further note, if this seems like just pointless bitterness, that even though some of the elves waded into combat to prove they were bad-ass in this series, Galadriel was still able to be a mega-important elf without ever killing a Witch King (or anything else). see how that works, Eowyn? BEING RESPONSIBLE AND RUNNING SHIT IS ALSO GOOD. also, it turns out that Legolas was actually supposed to be a man, so he doesn’t count as a murderous lady either.

okay, well, i will stop being crazy bitter for right now and go read my copy of Vamps & Tramps.