ah, feminists: that group that i hate mostly because i am pretty sure they hated me first. and how could anyone hate me? i’m this century’s Dennis the Menace! now, granted, “feminism” is sort of a complex topic and involves all those women that supposedly fought the righteous fight for their liberties, like the suffragettes from the nineteenth century and, apparently, a massive amount of prostitutes. hey, don’t look at me, it’s the prostitutes that claim they’re feminist icons (which i mainly blame on Pretty Woman tricking them into thinking they had a respectable occupation when, in fact, any movies that have Richard Gere chasing ladies are based on lies). i mostly just call them whores.
ANYWAY, at this point, “feminism” mostly applies to that second generation/Women’s Lib era of really boring and annoying talking heads, and that’s pretty much who i have this who-hated-who-first battle going on with; i am blaming them for starting it because i am pretty sure these ladies were talking shit about me before i was even born. my key opponents include the following:
-Susan Brownmiller: i am pretty sure that she claimed 113% of women have been raped and that rape is a vast conspiracy of all men (who, as we all know, are all about working together all the time) to keep women “in their place,” which would make it a conspiracy that seems to neglect all those pesky laws making rape illegal (aside from Maryland’s brief “if you get permission to get in, hey, take all the time you need to finish” law). okay, okay, i really don’t mean to make light of rape and all that comes with it, but Brownmiller started it when she put me in a conspiracy theory. also, she was hilariously unfunny debating with Hugh Hefner that one time.
-Andrea Dworkin: yeah, so, this is where that stereotype of man-hating feminists comes from, what with the “all heterosexual intercourse is rape” thing and all. wait, i think i was told not to put that in quotes… but hey, she’s dead now, what’s she going to say about it?
-Betty Friedan: wrote the Feminist Mystique, which committed the crime of BORING ME TO DEATH.
-Gloria Steinem: i mean, okay, she’s Batman’s mother-in-law, so you’d think she’d be aligned with the forces of good, and i am pretty sure she argued in defense of letting women get groped by men if said men were “cool about it” (these quotes are fake as well, but the argument is more accurate than you’d expect). so far, it seems like issues with her should be minimal. but then i remember that’s she’s prone to Brownmiller-esque fits of non-humor and also compared my “acceptable feminist” to Hitler. that feminist would be Camille Paglia.
Camille Paglia: keeping janklow from hating all feminists since 1947
so the next time someone tells you that yours truly is a woman-hating, right-wing prude (or stooge, because the term “stooge” sounds more comedic), just remember that my personal library includes books by Paglia. that i bought for myself. while sober. yeah, i know, kids, i’m scared too!
ANYWAY, wow, this intro was really long, because this update was supposed to be more about how feminism has wormed its way into my precious movies and, you know, ruined them. again, some other website got all over this topic, but since my thought on reading that article was “wow, they got after some of the same shit i am always getting after,” i figure i am entitled to get after the same topics in a fashion that’s more bitter and less funny and then call it a day. okay? is that alright? then let’s do this thing.
SOME BULLSHIT IN FILMS I ONCE WATCHED THAT I MOSTLY BASE ON FEMINISM
that’s a very cute pose, Ms. Glau, but unfortunately, i don’t think you could kick my ass even WITH the axes or swords or whatever the fuck those space weapons are called
Firefly/Serenity: River Tam
okay, River Tam is probably THE epitome of female characters who are clearly too small to be doing the shit they’re doing on screen. look, Summer Glau is like 5 feet tall and probably weighs about 13 pounds, so i don’t care how much of a “perfect assassin” she’s trained to be, she doesn’t have the physical ability to kick that degree of ass. this, you see, is typically why those perfect female assassins SHOOT PEOPLE.
here’s a comparison: look at Summer Glau pretending to beat people up in Serenity and then Adam Baldwin pretending to beat people up in the same film. skipping over the issue of “she fights 20 people like Steven Seagal did, which is to say, one at a time, only more balletically, if balletically is a word, which Windows claims it is not.” see how it appears that her throws and kicks wouldn’t do ANYTHING to ANYONE and it’s just a stupid dance? now see how it looks like Adam Baldwin could actually punch someone in the face successfully? this is what i am talking about. this is also why the “bad-ass female” thing works better in films like Sin City where characters like Miho kill people with arrows. it’s believable that a small women could kill me with an arrow. otherwise, you can go the Dark Angel route and just claim that your tiny lady was “genetically engineered” to be awesome. yeah, it sounds lame, but at least it gives you the out.
not pictured: shitty fucking Lex not being eaten by a T-Rex, the lack of eating Lex being the greatest of all the T-Rex’s failures in this film (narrowly beating out “failing to escape and destroy human society”)
Jurassic Park: Alexis “Lex” Murphy
okay, this might seem like a weird nitpick, but hear me out: in the book, Tim is the kid that knows about PCs and about dinosaurs, and his sister Lex is just there (like some real people are); in the film, Tim is now younger and knows only about dinosaurs, his sister having been made older and the computer-user. now, i am sure the argument here is that this change makes her character more “excellent,” but it seems to me like pandering. there’s no drama when the kids are fleeing from dinosaurs unless they BOTH have useful skills?
plus, this movie is already sort of bloated (the whole dinosaur DNA thing is neat and all, but the long-winded chats about science work better in book form), so i imagine that they didn’t want to have a character in it without a purpose … but this is where i would say “okay, let’s just keep Tim the same and drop Lex. after all, we already have this Dr. Sattler character, who’s a lady and who also has a real job and, if i recall correctly, races a dinosaur at one point. maybe if we NEED more excitement, she could fight a dinosaur with a spear?” every scene with the kids should work with just him alone, right? so why didn’t this happen? i have no answers, but i DO blame Gloria Steinem.
this picture sums up all my feelings towards the character of Eowyn, which can also be summed up with the following word: TERRIBLE
Lord Of The Rings: the Two Towers & the Return Of The King: Eowyn
yes, fine, i have railed against the whole Eowyn-versus-the Witch King many times (sometimes recently) and maybe it’s a little tired, but maybe that highlights how much i object to that scene. however, we can approach this from a different point of view: aside from that fight, her character still completely sucks. really, the fight is galling because it’s the apex of this NEED to have a female character that’s SO AWESOME and ASS-KICKING and THE BEST EVER… which isn’t even necessary. her character is theoretically a) royalty and b) in a position to be responsible and keep track of all those riders of Rohan and their families, thus allowing her to be an ideal woman who’s perfectly capable of running a nation as well as all those men. but THIS notion is cast aside in favor of proving she’s more equal than equal because she’s equally “Tolkien-style awesome” even though a) she’s half the size of those soldier-types and b) she’s clearly much less experienced than those soldier-types. she’s supposed to be a killing machine because she dances around with a sword and never sees combat? and she can’t achieve anything without seeing combat? FUCKING LAME.
i would further note, if this seems like just pointless bitterness, that even though some of the elves waded into combat to prove they were bad-ass in this series, Galadriel was still able to be a mega-important elf without ever killing a Witch King (or anything else). see how that works, Eowyn? BEING RESPONSIBLE AND RUNNING SHIT IS ALSO GOOD. also, it turns out that Legolas was actually supposed to be a man, so he doesn’t count as a murderous lady either.
okay, well, i will stop being crazy bitter for right now and go read my copy of Vamps & Tramps.