this week’s update has been named in honor of the Tool song (“Ã†nima”) that i like to listen to when i’m feeling a little down; while i have my issues with Tool – they never came back in full force, in my opinion, from their post-Ã†nima hiatus and, frankly, i blame Maynard James Keenan for this one time i spent far too much time in the seventh circle of hell, also known as “Camden, NJ” – that album and that song rocked with great quality, and like i said, the track always makes me smile. “Ã†nima” can be basically boiled down to lamenting how much California sucks and wanting to see it destroyed by god/one’s mother; there’s also some anti-Scientology cracks and Bill Hicks references in there, and those things always make me smile. i think the sentiment is accurate; i’d just extend it to “all nations and states and people and things” and go from there.
’cause i’m praying for rain, and i’m praying for tidal waves; i wanna see the ground give way, i wanna watch it all go down…
ANYWAY, with that sentiment in mind, while i’m not about to come up with a vacation from “all this stupid shit,” i DID get annoyed enough to come up with some choice words for some choice people and things. enjoy!
ON PROPER BEHAVIOR IN THE MEN’S ROOM
so i recognize that this can be an awkward time for all of us, what with the excrement and cleanliness packed so close together, but that’s also why i demand a higher standard of personal behavior in there; things get awkward enough as is when we’re all trying to urinate in peace as a mentally-handicapped janitor begins to sing a little song about how he must “stab people in the face, make them feel my pain” WITHOUT adding any of the following to it, which MUST stop immediately:
01. flicking your wet hands towards me after washing them; i get that water is both a) unpredictable and b) Bruce Lee’s favorite drink, but there’s a difference between a stray drop and you blasting me with the damp filth on your hands.
02. almost walking into me while closing your pants up; turning around while zipping up MIGHT be okay, but walking five to ten feet towards me and almost crashing into me as both your hands flail about in your crotch/pants like trapped birds? UNACCEPTABLE. you know what? just zip up and THEN walk away.
03. talking on your phone while a) at a urinal or b) having some kind of bowel movement i can only identify as “explosive diarrhea that i think killed the person involved.” maybe me you think this is saving time, but let me just say this: if someone was to call me during an event like those and i was to find out about it, i would beat him worse than Al Capone did when he beat two guys to death with a baseball bat, which would later be chronicled in the Untouchables in weird baseball-metaphor form. “If his team don’t field… what is he? You follow me? No one.” yes, YOU, guy who might as well be shitting directly into his phone, are no one.
this guy, you see, had earlier called Capone from a bathroom stall and, well, let’s just say that Alphonso there found out about the events in question
04. striking me with your cart, mentally-handicapped janitor, as i go out of my way to avoid it. seriously, i made all the effort and you still crashed it into me. terrible! this is also not made better by the fact that said janitor has been caught at one time or another engaged in random acts like “half-naked dumpster urination” and “semi-public masturbation.” ugh.
ON ALL THIS “BAILOUT NOISE,” AS I WAS CALLING IT
to the people that are responsible for this mess, all i have to say is that no less of a capitalist than Andrew Carnegie said something along the lines of “he who dies rich, dies disgraced.” now, i grant you that i don’t think he ever forced himself to go without once he could otherwise and that, more to the point, many of you are without shame. but there’s a reason why we talk about things that are done for the greater good; if you can make money WITHOUT fucking up the goddamn economy for some short-term profits, why would you not do that? what the hell makes you so goddamn short-sighted?
see what kind of images you come up with when you search for the word “assholes?” weird, isn’t it?
to the people freaking out about this mess (which i guess TECHNICALLY includes me), here’s the deal: stop checking your stock portfolio every 13 minutes and stop pretending there’s a vast disconnect between those greed mongers and yourself. yeah, okay, a couple of you are more responsible and/or have a bit more common sense and when you’re in a lower income bracket, the stakes are higher. i have more sympathy for you guys as a general rule. but when people start taking notions like “don’t give them a bailout, give US that money and all problems will be solved” seriously … well, look, it’s clear you’re not less comfortable with the notion of short-term greed causing long-term suffering than those executives are. i’m just sayin’.
ON THE ELECTION
you know what? i’m going to keep this brief, because i really don’t care anymore. a week or three ago, you know, all you Obama fans and all you McCain fans were driving me crazy with your nonsense and your babbling and it was a little much to take, but now… i basically don’t care anymore. all the hyperbole and mudslinging and racism, well, i’m disgusted with it all, but at this point, i’m a little tired. and yes, each side would look at that sentence and say “see, he’s talking about the other guys.” no, i am talking about BOTH sides. or ALL sides, because i don’t exempt third parties from shitty behavior. you’re not special, your candidate’s not special, and it’s all very, very exhausting.
okay, i admit it, i kind of trailed off at the end there, but what more can i say? that i could use a vacation from this bullshit three-ring circus sideshow of freaks? that i don’t want to be called a pessimist for voicing this sentiment? it is what it is.