so i grant you that it’s the time of the week when i sit down in my little Raiders pajamas and come up with some sort of rambling diatribe that maybe includes a joke or two. but for once, i am off on the holidays, which generally means that rather than curl up after work with a small collection of alcohol-filled bottles and compose my art here, i spent my “weekend” baking and baking and then maybe socializing with family… so i don’t really have anything here. it’s bad enough that the holidays are here and that they’re the season of the year i hate hate HATE so much; now i have to be fake-congenial on my days off as well? anyway, events did transpire that sort of filled up the days, so i guess that’s what i’ll discuss? feel free to just come back next week when i have a real update.
found in the road: one of these, although not with the cool ring for jumping through
1200 11.26: having dropped off my little car to get tuned up, i’m now driving around in a pick-up truck in order to collect and destroy a series of raggedy old chairs (because everyone knows raggedy chairs must be vanquished pre-Thanksgiving); on my way to get them, i find my neighbor’s dog Kip standing in the middle of the road staring at me. generally, i run into three kinds of animals like this: horses and ponies, which i proceed to rescue while avoiding their long faces and sharp feet; opossums, which are fucking EVIL and which i allow to leave the road at their own pace; and dogs. in those cases i get out of my car and play with them in the road like the very mature adult that i am. some time later, i return Kip to his yard. note: next time i find him in the road, i’m going to keep him, dye his fur black and rename him “Lil’ Scoot.”
1900 11.26: the baking of the pies begins! generally, i make a large amount of these things for myself, family, co-workers and anyone else who made me feel appreciated this year; this year, however, local rapscallion “the Felkstar” again requests i make pumpkin pies that contain bananas. while normally i declare that no such event will occur, this year i tell him that if he brings me bananas, i will make a pumpkin-and-banana pie. i may regret this…
2130 11.26: having wrapped up the massive batch of normal pies, i begin to make a) the aforementioned pumpkin-and-banana pie and b) a pumpkin pie that contains both banana and chocolate. an offer to make a third variant that contains peanut butter is declined. i suppose it’s for the best, because if these pies suck, we’ll have wasted a lot of time and pumpkin. i also decline to make my grandmother’s suggestion of a “pumpkin pie that contains rum,” mainly because i am tired of baking pies, but it also occurs to me that i think eating such a pie would make her have an allergic reaction. why is she requesting pies that she can’t eat? weird.
2300 11.26: on the road getting late-night tacos!
2330 11.26: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
there’s no arguing with delicious pies, although too many is never enough
also produced are the following ridiculous variant pies, which shall be known as experimental pie B6, “Truthful Promise” and experimental pie C9, “Sharp And Smooth.”
pumpkin-banana on the left, pumpkin-banana-and-chocolate on the right
later it will turn out that my family is unable to tell that i have named my new pies after various Israeli and Lebanese military operations in the 2006 war; i suppose this is for the best because that’s probably not what you’re supposed to name pies after. but if it makes anyone feel better, my default pies are called “Undeniable Victory” after that Iranian offensive of 1982. though i use that reference all the time, it’s not just pie specific. i would probably call a pumpkin-and-peanut butter pie “Jerusalem Way”; i mean, come on, it was the first time Iran used human wave attacks in that war!
0900 11.27: the Felkstar and i break open our variant pies in order to make sure they a) cooked properly and b) won’t kill anyone when they get eaten. we survive; the Felkstar pronounces the pies “adequate.” i admit that this is not exactly a ringing endorsement, but, hey, what can you do?
0901 11.27: i realize that i am awake and functioning at fucking 9 AM on my day off and immediately go back to sleep.
1130 11.27: the Titans-Lions game comes on; i still hate the Titans from back when they were the Oilers and the Lions, well, they’re just sad. the Lions also find themselves losing 28-3 after a quarter and 35-10 at the half, which is about right; they would go on to lose 47-10, the worst Thanksgiving Day loss in their history. this game also reminds me that LenDale White is just about the fattest professional running back i have ever seen, and i fear his uniform pants are about to suffer a critical failure at any moment. also, the “bail out the Lions” sign would be even more funny if it wasn’t so accurate and sad.
1400 11.27: my pies get eaten and, shockingly, the experimental pies seem to go over with the masses fairly well, although for some reason some people seem to think that the pie laced with chocolate is flavored with coffee. really? anyway, no one dies from eating these pies. also, i try and prevent my sister from telling an inappropriate story during the meal but, sadly, i fail. let’s just say it has to do with my former roommate “Microsoft” and that she used a descriptive hand gesture. good lord.
this is the only kind of Dallas Cowboys picture i want to see
1514 11.27: Dallas is about to face the Seahawks, who have been playing poorly this year, but because i have faith in the receding hairline and Boston accent of Matt Hasselbeck, i have a pretty good feeling about Seattle’s chances in this game.
1530-or-so 11.27: Dallas is beating Seattle 21-3 one quarter into the game (they would go on to a 34-9 victory). man… fuck Seattle. Dallas winning isn’t see as a good thing by anyone in my family; we might not all root for the same team, but we all agree that, as one salty old man once said, “any team with the audacity to call itself “America’s Team” deserves to be beaten soundly.” sadly, this doesn’t always come to pass.
shortly thereafter, we would break up our family gathering and send people back out of state and i would abscond with my remaining pie so as to eat it at my leisure while also drinking some Thanksgiving vodka. and that’s it; that’s the excellent update. i’ll have something real next week, i swear.