happy holidays, internet!
that’s right, your hero janklow makes personalized cards featuring robots for the holidays
i think we’ve said and done this in years past (or, at least, in 2007), but here it is: the holidays are the hottest of hot garbage and once against we find ourselves trapped in the middle of the Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year’s-President’s Day-Valentine’s ordeal that goes on and on and on until you just wish Flanders was dead. and you know what? that’s not fair to President’s Day. Washington and Lincoln are far too cool to have to be stuck in the middle of THAT mess. so consider this your official notice of the foundation of my movement to get President’s Day moved to March 16th: James Madison’s birthday. i know, i know, the shortest president of all time (5’4″ and a whopping 100 lbs) gets no respect, and that will be corrected with this altered holiday.
but, you know, since last year this space was reserved for a very stereotypical “here’s why the holidays just make us wish we were dead” style of rant, this year, i think i’ll mix it up and come up with a list of excellent things that have happened during the holidays, specifically the Christmas-related time of the year.
just in case you doubt the following commentary, well, check out track 16
this seems like a terrible idea, but in practice, it’s the best idea of all time. we all know that the holidays are the time for musical artists to crank out shitty holiday songs, be they covers of traditional works or their own original messes. and as a fan of hip-hop, this basically leaves me a couple of options: either i can rock “Christmas In Hollis” for the 13000th time (though this being recently appropriated by that weird “Centro ClaÃ¼s” campaign makes me not want to) or i can run with some ridiculous “Dipset Christmas” concept that makes the baby Jesus want to choke himself to death in the womb. these are not good choices; Kurtis Blow will always have a place in my heart because the man wrote “the Breaks,” but his Christmas material is well-aged at this point.
however, luckily for me, my musical hero Ghostface came out with a weird compilation album that, despite whatever problems it might have (track selection, mainly), features a little song called “Ghostface X-Mas” that is essentially, well, Ghostface and friends describing their holiday adventures. “them little elves gettin’ busy in Santa’s workshop” and “eggnog splashed with Hennessy” indeed! i will absolutely be listening to this song every Christmas.
a Raiders victory over Houston?
this is where i am supposed to make a joke about an Oakland Raiders victory being similar to Christmas in that it happens once a year or something like that, but you know what? that seems a little intellectually lazy. and the fact remains that they DID win a game and that there’s nothing wrong with that at all.
my sibling cracking wise during a church service
so perhaps this really only works if you’re familiar with that Christmas album John Denver made with the Muppets, but a) we both absolutely are (don’t ask why, you know, it’s like that whole Seven Brides For Seven Brothers thing) and b) it was probably bound to happen when the church busted out with “Silent Night.” now, okay, maybe it wasn’t the most appropriate time to be making jokes, but it cracked me up. it’s my holiday joke of the year! and no, i’m not going to explain it, because that would ruin it, but i will say this: it was even better than the whole thing about not abhorring virgin wombs. i know, i know, we really need to grow up over here.
and then there are the goats:
Christmas goats chilling out with the PIP-Boy
like i said, maturity is in short supply around these parts. happy holidays!