in which i yell about people having children and/or NFL punting

so we’re going to do this ranting thing again; i know, i know, it’s somewhat of an admission that i don’t have a fully-realized update ready to go, but it’s also better than my threat of making this week’s update a picture of myself lying in bed looking sad with the tagline of “eh, no update this week because janklow is tired, lazy and/or a sad panda.” because not only is that pathetic, but seriously, just the one joke it entails? i can usually get two or three jokes into these things!

ANYWAY, fresh off a week in which i have spent all my free time debating firearm purchases, getting Diageo to pay for my screwdrivers and swearing at a cat (seriously, though, that cat is trash and deserves everything i said about it), here we go with our rants for the week.

why this fucking cat deserves to die

okay, that’s a joke. or, if it’s not a JOKE joke, it’s at least not an actual rant topic. on with the real topics!

Nadya Suleman
and not only is everything she does enraging, but ever photo of her involves some hideous facial expression that only makes me wish additional bad things upon her

why this fucking “octo-mom” deserves to die
link to the story we’re talking about here: Octuplets’ grandfather calls daughter ‘irresponsible’

you know, if i didn’t know any better, i would swear that the “octo-mom,” perhaps better known as Nadya Suleman or some more profanity-laced terms of reference, was an elaborate joke designed to force this reaction from us. she’s having EIGHT children? AND she already had six prior children? AND she doesn’t have a husband or steady boyfriend to help out with them? AND she barely works? AND she’s going to need public assistance after saying she wouldn’t? AND her parents are disgusted with her? seriously, even with this seeming to be a factual (if disgusting) story, i find it very hard to believe that this isn’t an elaborate ruse. i’m waiting for Andy Kaufman to pop out of Nadya’s womb and yell “what an outrageous joke! i even faked my own death 25 years ago to make this happen!”

now, the fact that this situation is so reprehensible makes it a little unnecessary for me to rant in-depth about it; i think we can all agree on some fundamental reactions like a) it annoys us that we’re going to have to pay for this shit, b) it annoys us that anyone – the woman, the doctor, whoever – might have thought this was a good idea, and c) it annoys us that 14-or-so children are going to be brought up or at least affected by this fucking ignorant woman. so let’s just agree that my righteous indignation isn’t wrong and close with this completely relevant quote from the late, great comedian Bill Hicks:

“she doesn’t need children. okay, and that’s a judgment call, and i’m making it, but it also happens to be true, which gives it the force, that extra oomph. she needs no more children. okay? okay. can’t support them, can’t feed them, can’t raise them, don’t even love them! THUNK! bring them on, why don’t you just get the fucking COPS camera and shove it up your pussy and film the little criminal coming out? this is crime prevention! here comes another illiterate, unwanted child! cuff him! can you calm down on your rutting for just a couple of seconds until we figure out this FOOD, AIR deal?”

oh, Bill Hicks, i miss him so much.

bear at a table
while googling “pre-Obama age,” this was one of the results, i kid you not; it seems pretty reasonable that i thus used it here

what the hell is this “pre-Obama age” nonsense i have been hearing about
link to the story we’re talking about here (well, not exactly, but it’s the source of my reference): No One Envies The Real Housewives Of New York City

so i was reading something on the internet that referred to some greedy women as “moldy leftover[s] from the pre-Obama age.” now, while i will NEVER stand in the way of mocking greedy women (seriously, because it’s about my favorite thing to do in life), really, internet, “pre-Obama age?” i refuse to stand idly by and let this nonsense go down without making a fuss about it on the internet where no one will a) hear about it or b) care.

typically, you know, we use the whole “age” thing to refer to notable phases of human development, such as in the cases of the Stone Age or the Iron Age. now we’re comparing our election of Obama (an event probably STILL due more to hating on Bush more than anything else) to the prominent development of iron weaponry? this is simply unacceptable. and to make matters worse, it’s not like we’re looking back from 2016 and saying “wow, what amazing events have happened under Obama’s administration! truly we’ve entered a new age of mankind, a post-Obama age, if you will!” his election is a whopping 107 days old. his presidency is a massive 30 days old. that’s not even a month! nothing has happened of consequence yet! and yet everything is “pre-Obama!” movies are “pre-Obama” movies, politics aren’t supposed to return to “pre-Obama” politics, and the list goes on. what the fuck is all this talk about pre-Obama ages about?

maybe i’m being too cranky in my old age; still, we could probably take this further and just call 2009 “1 AO” for “After Obama” in order to commemorate this most important of moments in human history. look, again, i get it: people love Obama. and people always want to live in the “best ever” or “worst ever” moments of history because they want to feel like they live in interesting times and, thus, their lives matter. i have news for you, internet readers: YOUR LIFE DOES NOT MATTER. neither does mine, and neither do the lives of your friends. we’re just dirt for more important people to grind up as they see fit. suck it up. in keeping with this quoting thing we’ve got going on so far:

“i mean, why do people think that life should always be happy, you know? when i was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. it went like this: ‘life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over.'”

Shane Lechler
…and with that, the football slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of god…

the greatest punter of all time remains an Oakland Raider
link to the story we’re talking about here: Raiders make Lechler highest-paid punter with $16 million deal

okay, there’s no rant here; Shane Lechler is awesome and i’m turbo-pleased that he’ll remain an Oakland Raider for several years to come! and Asomugha also signed a very weird and very complicated deal that compares him to quarterbacks but also locks him down for a few years! yeah! i can feel the rage dissipating already!

…well, until they cruise to another 5-win season and i get annoyed again. still, it’s the off-season and i am going to enjoy it. good times!

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