fictional colonels and Mini-14s: i love it when a plan comes together!

recently, i purchased something we’ll see more towards the end of this post, which reminded me of the good old days of my youth spend watching the A-Team (when you’re little, that show makes a LOT more sense), which reminded me of a certain character on that show’s military rank, which reminded me of an alias i have used for some time: the colonel. this figures mainly in terms of our local team’s post-zombie-apocalypse plans and/or stickers that might be affixed to various things where i work; either way, this is the SOP for creating posts on this website: absolute randomness.

anyway, i’m not really sure where exactly i stole all this “colonel” talk from; for example, in the great nation of Iraq, i’m better known as a “regional chairman.” but i had to have stolen it from SOMEWHERE, so in order to look more deeply into the subject, i figured a listicle was in order. something about my favorite fictional colonels, maybe?


Lt. Col. Robert Kilgore
“i love the smell of napalm in the morning… the smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. smelled like… victory.

honorable mention: Lt. Col. Hal Moore (We Were Soldiers; played by Mel Gibson) is a pretty cool character, if for no other reason than his proximity to Basil Plumley… but he’s not fictional enough to really make this list. so it goes.

13. Col. Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr. (the Indiana Jones series; played by Harrison Ford)
Indy mostly makes this list because i don’t think i realized he was somehow a fictional colonel until today, when the internet told me that he reached the rank of colonel in the OSS. see, this is why i think people need to stop fucking around with back stories and spin-offs and all that with some of these film franchises: all that happens is that we get unrelated OSS comments and/or alien adventures in South America that water down Indy’s Nazi-punching coolness. anyway, Indy’s probably cooler than people further down this list, but since i barely consider him a colonel, he gets to be lucky #13. sorry, Indy.

12. Col. Sherman T. Potter (M*A*S*H; played by Harry Morgan)
11. Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake (M*A*S*H; played by Roger Bowen and McLean Stevenson)

let’s take these two characters together because they’re so interconnected on the show they share (the movie’s alright and all, but Potter was obviously never in it). in my year or so of obsessive M*A*S*H viewing, they provided me many a mild chuckle before Alan Alda came onscreen and moralized so strongly that it made me want to vomit. Blake gets the nod over Potter because he was all about comedy, whereas Potter would occasionally a) moralize along with Alda and b) in a manner that seemed inconsistent with his character’s background. plus, the man loves horses, which in my book means you cannot be trusted completely.

10. Col. Algernon Mustard (Clue; played by Martin Mull)
well, for starters, forget all that talk about Martin Mull; i only mention him because someone made a movie out of the board game Clue (for reasons i STILL cannot understand) and he played Colonel Mustard in it. anyway, Mustard is excellent because he’s the kind of old man colonel i’d want to be: packing a gun, having once hunted big game, wearing a monocle, being involved in intrigues… the list goes on and on. plus, his first name is Algernon, and that is a totally excellent first name.

Col. Hannibal Smith
“i love it when a plan comes together!”

09. Col. Nicholas Joseph “Nick” Fury (various Marvel Comics and Iron Man; played by Samuel L. Jackson, also played by David Hasselhoff)
i didn’t want to bring up the TV movie where Hasselhoff played Nick Fury, but, well, there it is. you probably haven’t seen it (i have, and you should be glad you haven’t), but it’s about what you expect from any TV movie starring the Hoff: the final product is… well… sub-par (though at least he doesn’t sing in it, so there’s that). anyway, Fury generally comes off better in the comics, movies like Iron Man (where he’s played by Samuel L. Jackson), and newer comics (where he’s drawn to look like Samuel L. Jackson). you can really never go wrong with being affiliated with Samuel L. Jackson.

08. Col. Wilhelm Klink (Hogan’s Heroes; played by Werner Klemperer)
yes, he’s totally on this list because of that Simpsons episode where Homer’s guardian angel has to appear as Klink in order to get some respect (Hooooooomer, that’s not why i’m here!); it’s a classic moment and it’s completely worth having an entire series just to set up that joke. but, okay, there’s also the hilarious concept of basing a comedy series on the wacky hijinx inherent in a Nazi prison camp. yeah, okay, i know, Klemperer is Jewish and many of the other Hogan’s Heroes actors were as well, and Klemperer had it in his contract that the Nazis always had to fail… but still, what an awkward concept. how did that ever get pitched? “yeah, see, i have this idea for a comedy about a Nazi prison…”

07. Col. Philippe Mathieu (the Battle Of Algiers; played by Jean Martin)
it’s a great film, that Battle Of Algiers, but people don’t want to watch it because it’s a black-and-white film from 1966. whatever, their loss. anyhow, in that film, there’s a composite character with the name of Col. Mathieu who’s based on some excellent Frenchmen from history: Marcel Bigeard, Jacques Massu, and so on. well, maybe “excellent” isn’t the best term, since some of these guys may have sanctioned torture, but it’s hard to think of another term to refer to French guys who have displayed a legitimate willingness to fight while in their military. ah, good old jokes about the surrender monkey nature of the French, you never get old.

06. Lt. Col. William Kilgore (Apocalypse Now; played by Robert Duvall)
from the theatrical helicopter attacks to the love of the smell of napalm (and ridiculous cavalry hats), what’s not to like about Kilgore? after all, the man will even allow foes brave enough to hold their guts in to drink from his canteen. his only real shortcoming is his admitted passion for surfing. far be it for me to bash any man’s hobbies… but surfing? really? i think it would be fair to say that Charlie doesn’t surf because Charlie has a little bit of common sense about the whole water sports concept.

Lt. Col. Andy Tanner
“…well, who *is* on our side?” “six hundred million screaming chinamen.” “last i heard, there were a billion screaming chinamen.” “there *were*.”

05. Col. John “Hannibal” Smith (the A-Team; played by George Peppard)
yes, that’s right, this is the colonel that inspired this week’s listicle. i’m not really sure why Hannibal seems so excellent; the A-Team is a fairly ridiculous concept, if for no other reason than the fact that they spent every week going wild with guns and exploding pie pans and god knows what else only to have no one die as a result. sure, the townspeople were saved, but i demand blood! anyway, clutching a cigar in your teeth and packing a Mini-14 while making pithy comments about plans coming together is a great look. maybe that explains why he’s stood the test of time better than his show would seem to indicate.

04. Col. Cotton Hill (King Of The Hill; played by Toby Huss)
Cotton Hill is basically a salty old psycho (albeit an animated one) who i aspire to be one day: harsh to everyone, playfully misogynistic, naming a child the “good” version of another child, obsessing over complicated plots to kill Fidel Castro. granted, i don’t have a lot of time in my schedule for killing Castro, but i can still get old and salty about the whole concept of Castro. also, like Cotton, i’m willing to suffer for the good of others… as long as it doesn’t involve my face. after all, that’s how i makes my living.

03. Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears (the Stuff; played by Paul Sorvino)
it would be fair to say that Col. Spears in this film is sort of my role model; he’s a colonel that’s in charge of a random militia that ends up kind of, sort of fighting a zombie invasion (this mainly depends on whether or not you consider the Stuff to be causing zombies, which i do). his one key flaw, though, is that Paul Sorvino always kind of seems like a goober in whatever role he’s playing (except maybe for Goodfellas). so while the concept behind this colonel is top-notch… i’ll always have some reservations. but then i remember that Garrett Morris’ head explodes in this film, and all my concerns wash away!

02. Lt. Col. Andy Tanner (Red Dawn; played by Powers Boothe)
Powers Boothe plays a colonel… AND it’s a colonel in the movie Red Dawn? i think it’s pretty clear that he has to automatically climb way up this list. true, he’s only an Air Force colonel (i think they pretty much automatically make you a colonel over there if you can manage not to crash your plane into something), but that’s still a colonel and that has to count for something. and again, he basically spends all his time trying to kill communists and talking about nuclear war, even if he wasn’t explicitly told by anyone to “avenge them,” and in the end, what more can one do with their time?

Col. Kurtz
“and i remember… i cried. i wept like some grandmother. i wanted to tear my teeth out. i didn’t know what i wanted to do. and i want to remember it. i never want to forget it. i never want to forget. and then i realized… like i was shot with a diamond bullet right through my forehead. and i thought: my God… the genius. the will to do that. perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. and then i realized they were stronger than we.”

01. Col. Kurtz (Apocalypse Now; played by Marlon Brando)
well, actually, this is the answer to that last question: you can use your time to make yourself a warlord in the jungles of Indochina. you can base yourself after internationally ridiculous figures like Leon Rom and Tony Poe, disappear into the wilds and just go completely insane with the black clothes and the indigenous tribal army and the passion for weird poetry. i’m just saying that this kind of life wouldn’t be a wasted one.

and now, the inspiration for this post

as i said, this post was randomly inspired by something i purchase recently: this crazy Mini-14:


i had sort of vowed not to purchase any Ruger products (though beyond the excellent Single Six, there’s not much out there that really attracts my attention), but this was a fun used product with which to celebrate this new era of us all freaking out because Obama and Holder want to eat our guns to gain their power. and it’s firmly declared that it’s for “LAW ENFORCEMENT USE ONLY.” i love it when my guns say that.

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