in which i steal Bruce McCullough’s idea and relate it to my grandparents

well, the cardinals and raccoons have been behaving over the period of time that’s passed since our last internet open letter, so we’re going to have to run with a different target for such directed complaints. maybe all these deer that keep eating everything? nah, this “directing letters toward animals” thing is just getting a little weird.

and now, janklow with an open letter to whoever keeps taking my grandparents to the goddamn movies.

janklow's excellent grandparents
seriously, i don’t care how harmless they look, STOP TAKING THEM TO THE MOVIES

well, why did you do it? are you some sort of jerks or something? it’s- well, okay, it’s going to be a little hard for me to continue this in the exact format as before, so i’ll just boil it down: people keep taking my grandparents, either one at a time or as a pair, out to the movies, and the end result is always some awkward or weird situation. i suppose this might have been happening throughout my entire life, but recently it’s gotten a little more severe. examples?

Gran Torino
so we have this movie that involves a salted old Clint Eastwood in his final lead actor hurrah, and i gather that he’s basically a turbo-salty old guy who doesn’t relate to the younger generation and then later threatens and loves said younger generation in equal parts, depending on what member of that generation we’re talking about. it’s all well and good and it rates an 8.4 on iMDB. however, there’s a slight problem with people having taken my grandfather to this film.

see, in this film, Eastwood spends some time threatening hooligans by pantomiming a pistol with his hand before actually producing one. after seeing this film, whenever i see my grandfather, he starts making that hand-as-a-gun threat towards me. frankly, i think this isn’t the way old people are supposed to behave in polite society; they should mostly be napping or complaining about the government. and i know he might actually have a pistol in his old man vest one of these days. should i have to wear body armor just because people take my grandfather to Clint Eastwood movies?

Made Of Honor
this movie… this movie… i don’t like this movie. and it’s not just because it’s yet another stupid fucking romantic comedy (starring the divine combination of Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan, no less, though anything with Kevin McKidd in it can’t be ALL bad). yes, i hate comedies for the most part and romantic plots of ANY type in film make my body fill with proverbial rage-flavored vomit, but this film has gone beyond even that.

see, my grandparents were taken to see this film, and at some point a grandmother in the film starts wearing glow-in-the-dark anal beads around her neck; the joke, i guess, is that she doesn’t know what they are, but we all do. only here’s the thing: my grandparents have no idea what the fuck the deal with glow-in-the-dark anal beads is, and that’s as it should be. they’re grandparents and i would prefer they don’t know anything about sex toys of any type. only because they know your hero janklow knows lots of things, my grandmother has to ask me what the joke with the “large plastic beads this old lady was wearing” was all about. so NOW i have to tell her that this old lady was wearing anal beads. bad enough… until she wants me to explain what the hell anal beads are and how they work.

so, Made Of Honor, not only are you yet another shitty romantic-comedy, but you forced me to explain to my favorite person ever, my grandmother, the purpose and usage of anal beads. if i ever happen to meet Adam Sztykiel, Deborah Kaplan or Harry Elfont, i am kicking their asses. or in the case of Deborah Kaplan, since i probably shouldn’t beat up a girl, i’ll get my sister to do it. and she will, because she’s fucking nuts and she likes to punch kidneys.

so maybe i’m being petty about this? just a little? all i know is that i don’t want to have any more anal-beads-related conversations.

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2 Responses to in which i steal Bruce McCullough’s idea and relate it to my grandparents

  1. Duane Toole says:

    Gee.

    I was just thinking about taking your grandparents to see “I Love You, Man.”

    Do they know what a “man cave” is?

  2. janklow says:

    i was just discussing the above Made Of Honor story with a friend who heard about it at the time, and it never, never gets any better.

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