“has Mugabe stolen the Lost Ark?”

sometimes the internet can be a very depressing place where grown men watch videos of other grown men shooting bears and then having sex on the corpses of said bears, something that a) makes me want to burn this whole series of tubes to the ground (and possibly replace it with a “big truck”) and b) makes me really disgusted with the viewing habits of some people i know. seriously, i know i have watched some distasteful things in my day, but at least i’ve never abused myself to any of them. sickos!

ANYWAY, the flip side to this is that sometimes the internet is the purveyor of completely, utterly, totally awesome news and stories. this is the story of one of those stories. actually, wait, what’s with the build-up? let’s just discuss it:

HAS MUGABE STOLEN THE LOST ARK?

Robert Mugabe
he might not look like it… but Mugabe is totally scheming on how he can get away with his theft of the Ark of the Covenant

now, while the source is kind of sort of a tabloid newspaper from the UK, that’s not really important to me. after all, tabloids have broken some of our finest stories about wells being drilled into Hell by Russians (or whoever) and former President Bill Clinton meeting with aliens and/or Elvis Presley. what IS important is the meat of this story. let’s just take a relevant sample:

“But after decades of exhaustive ­research, Parfitt became convinced that the ordinary looking wooden object in the storeroom of the Musuem of Human Sciences in Harare, Zimbabwe, really was the ­remains of the lost Ark.

Last year he published a book detailing his breakthrough and documentaries broadcast around the world heralded the find as one of the greatest archaeological discoveries since the Dead Sea scrolls.

The world’s media soon dubbed the Welsh professor “the British Indiana Jones”.

But now, almost a year later, Parfitt is worried. Since the publication of his book and the broadcast of the documentaries, the whereabouts of his intriguing discovery are once again unknown. Parfitt says he has been told by sources close to family members of the autocratic Zimbabwean president Robert ­Mugabe that the object is now in the possession of one of Mugabe’s relations, perhaps even Mugabe himself.

“I first got suspicious when I started to hear that several people who had tried to see the Ark, many of them ­respectable academics, had been turned away and the museum was becoming very cagey about it,” he says. “Then a contact of mine who has connections to Mugabe’s extended family told me that people close to Mugabe have taken it.””

yes! reasons why this is awesome (and why it better be real at the risk of my suffering from a serious depression):

01. the professor involved is Welsh, meaning he and i both hail from the same heritage of drunks who tell outrageous stories and, oddly enough, are always completely on the level when it comes to wild archaeological discoveries and adventures;

02. it kicks Mugabe up to that crazy scheming level of Hitler (or, at least, Hitler in those Wolfenstein games where he was always trying to abscond with things like the Spear of Destiny). the thing about Mugabe is that without trying to steal the Ark, sure, he’s still evil, but it’s a realistic, depressing evil. with this Ark of the Covenant scheme, he’s become an entertaining, cartoonish evil that we can feel good about watching fight our heroes;

03. it totally sets the stage for him to tangle with Indiana Jones who, let’s face it, clearly gets results. Nazis have the Ark? not for long! Nazis have the Holy Grail? denied! dimension traveling aliens on the loose in South America? well… let’s just not talk about that one. anyway, UN sanctions are fantastic and everything, but one could probably note that they’re not intensely effective. and more to the point, they’re certainly not very cinematic.

but, in the end, this is probably going to turn out to be one of those internet lies that people send me in e-mails. still, i’m holding out hope that the internet will one day reveal to me that there’s a time-traveling DeLorean out there i can possibly get my hands on.

gonna go back in time

oh yeah…

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