“air sex championships” = why i am praying for rain, for tidal waves, and so on

i’ve been making a lot of fun of the internet lately (not to mention running the “series of tubes” reference into the ground), so perhaps i should pause and note that i do love and respect the internet, as it brings me a constant stream of ridiculous stories to mock and be outraged by. sometimes i can work these into longer updates, and sometimes it’s just going to be a batch of brief mockery. this is one of those latter occasions.

Infection Rules Shoaib Akhtar Out Of World Twenty20

Shoaib Akhtar
i presume this photograph was taken some time before the outbreak of genital warts

one thing that we all love about the internet is the speed with which it discovers and outs the dirty laundry of the various celebrities and politicians we care about; this Shoaib Akhtar incident just happens to be about as harsh as it gets (well, it’s maybe topped by the whole “Ron Mexico” incident involving Michael Vick, but it’s hard to make light of him these days, as everything to mock there has been run into the ground). this, however, is an exceptional story, mainly on the grounds that i don’t think anyone expected to hear “genital warts require 10 days’ treatment” and “Pakistan yet to name replacement for fast bowler” in the same breath. and we all know that “genitals warts” is an automatically comedic phrase – as long as the genital warts happen to someone else, anyway.

in more serious discussion, though, since when do we refer to the effects of a genital warts outbreak as a “wound?” also, i note from this discussion that his warts are being treated with “electrofulguration treatment,” which i gather means that they shoot electricity into his junk to kill “unwanted” tissue. this… this sounds like both a) torture and b) adding insult to injury. “well, you’ve gotten an embarrassing sexually-transmitted disease … and the only way to fight it is to shock you in the crotch over and over until it all works out.” in the face of this new information, i have to admit that currently, i’m thinking that if it’ll stop the scourge of genital warts, i’ll have to consider the notion that those insurgents might be on to something with this whole “sharia” thing.

Nationals Fail Again, This Time With Sausage Shooting Mascot

Washington Nationals
this has nothing to do with “sausagegate,” but what a ridiculous pose for a mascot to assume

ah, the Washington Nationals: they may be a local team and they may have a very nice ballpark, but i mostly love them because they make my sad, sad Pittsburgh Pirates look like a stellar team (we had a 3-1 series against them recently, and i feel pretty good about that). still, when you’re that bad of a baseball team – and the Nationals are, with all due respect, a TERRIBLE baseball team composed of Ryan Zimmerman, Adam Dunn and a batch of misfits that are better suited to improbably victories in Hollywood films than, say, actual MLB play – there’s bound to be more comedy and joy produced by your ridiculousness than just that which comes from losing to the Pirates (such as, say, misspelling the name of the team on your jerseys).

so let me just quote this portion of the article in question: “The latest and greatest in the long string of failure that is the Washington Nationals is SausageGate 2009, in which they attempt to shoot sausages, wrapped up in t-shirts, into the stands, using a small cannon. Not surprisingly, this doesn’t go as planned. It looks like the wieners couldn’t handle being shot out of a cannon like that, and fell apart, raining down chunks of sausage and buns all over the field and the fans.” what more is there to say in the face of that? it’s like a less funny but more real version of Maude Flanders being killed by t-shirt cannons at an Isotopes game.

Wind Turbine Noise Suspected Of Killing 400 Goats

poor little goats
note: these goats have not been killed by a wind turbine. they are merely fainting

my first reactions to hearing of this story were a) “what kind of fucking monsters are out there callously murdering goats with all their science” and b) “wait, you can kill goats with noise somehow? how does that work? is there some kind of awesome death frequency?” if it wasn’t for the fact that wind turbines were explicitly mentioned in the title and/or link that i followed to the article, i would have immediately assumed that some government super-weapon destroyed these goats. i’m picturing some kind of massive coil-sporting device and goats bursting like grapes in the middle of a field somewhere; a much more awesome version of the Dugway sheep incident. which, by the way, would be a GREAT name for a band.

but it turns out that all that’s going on is that the turbine noise just keeps them awake and the goats have been dying due to sleep deprivation, which is still sad, but much less cool in terms of raw, secret government technology (though on the other hand, i guarantee i know some guys who would believe my initial hypothesis was correct and call this wind turbine story a government cover-up). further, i wasn’t aware that you could actually DIE from lack of sleep (i thought you basically just had awesome hallucinations and then passed out), and i’d always understood goats to be awesome hardy animals… so since they haven’t PROVEN the turbines are killing these goats, who knows what’s going on here. still… murdered goats! outrageous!

Air Sex World Championships

Air Sex World Championships
i want to punch this guy in the face much, much harder than i have ever wanted to punch Chi McBride in the face. and that is saying something

no. just… no. everyone involved with this concept… you’re a bad person. oh, would you like to offer a justification? “”Air Sex is sort of like Air Guitar,” said Tim League, founder of the Alamo Drafthouse and the Air Sex World Championship, “except instead of pretending to play an invisible guitar on stage, contestants get up there and pretend to have sex with someone who isn’t there. With their clothes on, typically. They pick a song to perform to and then have two minutes to impress the judges with their overall Airness.”” okay, having reviewed those remarks… no. first off, air guitar is something for teenage kids to do around the house; it’s not something worthy of competing at. secondly, even if this concept of air sex wasn’t immediately considered an abomination before god – and that is one MASSIVE “if” there – the use of the phrase “their overall airness” is. and why the FUCK is Airness capitalized? why?

also, this came from Austin, Texas? why am i not surprised. in fact, here’s the vacation plan for the summer: i am going to Austin, and then i am going to drive around yelling out the window of my car at people how ashamed of them i am for allowing this shit to occur. “THE INTERNET HAS TOLD ME WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, AUSTIN; FOR SHAME! FOR SHAME!” yes… this is going to happen. and while it might seem like it’s a bad thing that the internet has inflicted this… event on me, it’s not. it’s a good thing that the internet has not allowed this nonsense to fly under the radar.

anyway, thanks for all that, internet.

James Harrison, i appreciate you making the Steelers look bad (and other ranting)

generally speaking, when our hero janklow is under the weather, i like to use it as an excuse to make a fairly lazy update for the week, and this week shall be no exception! now, maybe if i had the swine flu i’d have something much more exciting for everyone out there (“this week, i’m going to attempt to destroy humanity by spreading the terrifying contagion that is SWINE FLU”), but it seems like i have something much more boring that a) can be destroyed by the appropriate application of chicken soup and whiskey and b) will not prevent me from going to work tomorrow. but enough about my laziness: on with the update!

on why i appreciate James Harrison making the Steelers look bad (or at least like they employ idiots)

James Harrison
James Harrison: remaining inexplicably furious about everything for no good reason

now, if there’s one thing i love about professional athletes, it’s that they’re generally not incredibly well-skilled for dealing with public relations issues, while at the same time being possessed of the ability to have their regrettable statements shot all across the United States in a matter of moments. in fairness, there are many intelligent and/or well-spoken athletes who ruin my fun, but luckily, James Harrison is not one of them. let’s start by quoting him:

“Linebacker James Harrison — who made Super Bowl history with a 100-yard interception return for a touchdown — said he’ll pass on the invite from President Barack Obama.

“This is how I feel — if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don’t win the Super Bowl. As far as I’m concerned, he would’ve invited Arizona if they had won,” said Harrison.”

oh, James Harrison. of COURSE he would have invited Arizona if they won. that’s the way this whole “win the Super Bowl, be the reigning champions of the NFL” thing works. so we know that Harrison’s at least sort of dumb and at worst, he’s upset that Obama doesn’t want to hang out with him and watch him play on a regular basis. James Harrison, is Obama a Steelers fan? and to answer your question as to “why it is a big issue now that i’m not going if it wasn’t a big issue the last time,” beyond the fact that Obama is the second coming of Jesus Christ and you’ve now insulted him, it’s probably because i don’t recall you making such an idiotic remark about the president would have invited the other team if they’d won the Super Bowl.

but let’s not dwell on this too much, because everyone on the internet and/or at your office already is; the main thing for me is that James Harrison is a Steeler, and considering that their players are usually classy gents like Troy Polamalu and considering that their organization is turbo-well-run and keeps winning all these championships and blah blah blah … well, it’s nice to have something about the Steelers to make serious fun of aside from Steely McBeam, the Worst Mascot Ever To Live. and considering that as a Raiders fan, Steelers fans are ALWAYS mocking the hell out of me and/or my team, well, it’s nice to turn the tables on them for a week. next stop: DHB scoring dozens of touchdowns!

on why i am not pleased about this whole “the Taking Of Pelham One Two Three” remake i keep seeing ads for

Taking Of Pelham 1 2 3
oh, look, John Travolta is so EDGY and so AWESOME that i can barely stand it! why can’t this film be in theaters RIGHT NOW?

so maybe you know, maybe you don’t know, but janklow likes to enjoy the occasional heist/crime caper movie. this is why i’ll be defending Rififi while people are busy watching the remake of the Italian Job and complaining that i won’t stop talking about “black-and-white films” made in “foreign countries” that “aren’t even in English.” this, like most things, is just another cross i have to bear. it’s why i am sort of like Jesus, only without all the religion and foot-washing.

ANYWAY, sacrilege aside, i keep seeing these ads for this movie the Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, starring Denzel Washington (who i enjoy in films) and John Travolta (who i despise). now, people in general probably don’t know that there was once this film that came out in 1974 called the Taking of Pelham One Two Three that happened to be the original version of this film. true, the casting wasn’t as flashy, what with Walter Matthau being the sexy young male lead (i guess) and the robbers being guys like Robert Shaw and Martin Balsam and Hector Elizondo and Earl Hindman (exactly, especially with the latter being known for his faceless role on “Home Improvement”) and a young pre-Seinfeld Jerry Stiller being in the mix. but it was a solid little heist film that was well-done for the time and which featured a pretty solid villain in Robert Shaw’s Blue. i imagine that his acting chops will be replace with John Travolta chewing up the scenery and yelling BAD-ASS lines. and, slight spoiler here, he’ll probably survive the damn film and be in a sequel because he’ll be SO DAMN COOL.

honestly, you know what really sums this up for me? the simple change of “One Two Three” in the original title to “1 2 3” in the remark’s title. oooh, numerals are way cooler than words! yeah! seriously, fuck this shit and fuck John Travolta for being involved in it. and this whole mess has reminded me that people keep telling me they’re making a Red Dawn remake. fuck Hollywood!

on why it’s excellent to know poor people who have guns they can sell to me

there was some recent shooting going on here, at which time we learned some very valuable pieces of information:

-Zippy thinks the Ruger 10-22 is completely awesome;
-motorcycle helmets might be surprisingly durable in the face of 7.62x54mm rifle rounds and some double-ought buckshot, but 5.56x45mm rounds go zipping right through them (and thus, i shouldn’t be counting on them for post-apocalyptic combat);
-fuck, ammunition is very, very expensive to replace right now! i think i am shooting nothing but .22 LR and 9mm for the next 8 years or so, until Obama gets out of office and the bubbas can stop shooting urine into their pants at the thought of his SECRET MUSLIM way.

but more that all this, as Smilez likes to say “poor friends who need money are a good way to get cheap guns” (or, rather, i like to paraphrase what he likes to say, because the exact quote escapes me right now). and so, this is why a friend of ours who might have had to sneak out of the house with his 10-22 so he wouldn’t get in trouble with the wife for shooting with us has sold me said 10-22 … which i have promptly ran around the property lording over one Zippy, who assures me that i am allowed to keep it in his bedroom so that he can shoot it any time he likes. he should have thought of that before he started pantomiming shooting me Gran-Turino-style all the time.

Ruger 10-22
i know that with two Rugers purchased in a row it might seem like i don’t have beef with Bill Ruger anymore, but, no, i still do … i’ve just purchased all the Rugers worth purchasing

yes, the rear sight is about to be fixed by yours truly once Ruger gets the replacement part in question to me, but mainly, this will fuel a lot more of that .22 LR and 9mm shooting (not that the Rossi 62 SAC isn’t cool and all, but this will be cooler). seriously, $37 for a box of .40 S&W? damn that Obama!

at night, while all my white friends are asleep, i bump THIS

DISCLAIMER: this has been separated out from the standard weekly update so as not to offend 50% of my readers by talking about “all that hip-hop nonsense.” feel free to cruise on past this post, you zany white devils!

generally speaking, i have some notorious trends in my love of hip-hop music:

AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted

01. i am totally nostalgic for the sound of the 1990s and love to get all worked up about this when i go back and listen to albums from that time. classic examples include: AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted making me outraged about the lack of samples and proliferation of choruses on modern hip-hop records; me being the only person to purchase and fully enjoy Public Enemy’s Muse Sick-N-Hour Mess Age. seriously, no one gives a fuck about that record, but “Whole Lotta Love Going On In The Middle Of Hell” always, always, ALWAYS gets me worked up.

Desire

02. i love to wait expectantly for albums that have been on the back burner for years, get turbo-excited for them to be released when they’re finally about to drop … and then soak in all that wonderful disappointment of them not being that good. the best example of this, i suppose, is Pharoahe Monch’s Desire: his Internal Affairs album is one of the best records ever, hands down; his random songs, unreleased “albums” and pseudo-mixtape-collections like Y’All Know The Name and Innervisions kept me waiting with baited breath … and then Desire dropped. and it wasn’t bad, but, after eight years, it could have been so much better. i imagine the same thing will happen for me when Only Built For Cuban Linx II finally comes out.

and then Method Man and Redman came out with this Blackout! 2 thing.

Blackout! 2

they had this cool little album called Blackout! back in 1999 and then they came up with this one out of nowhere. i have no idea why it took so long to finally get out on the market (although i obviously suspect that a massive amount of marijuana being ingested by the artists in question had something to do with it…) and, even better, i have no idea why the exclamation point is after Blackout! but NOT after the 2 in the title … and i also have no idea why that makes the title even more excellent.

but best of all, after heading out to the record store to stand in line and pick it up, never minding the fact that i hate to be up early and the fact that i think the album being purchased by the rest of the young white hooligans at that time was Eminem’s Relapse, i find it’s not a disappointment at all. maybe i should have expected as much from the handful of quality singles that got dropped prior to the album’s release (such as “Four Minutes To Lock Down” and “Dangerous MCees,” to name only two), and maybe it’s because i was so primed to be disappointed… but you know what? i’m not. i don’t mind that Bun B is on this album on a song where Wu-affiliates are shouting out the South (something i am sure drives Ghostface BEYOND crazy … or, rather, it might, if he wasn’t clearly already there), because the song kind of sort of rocks. i don’t mind a brief moment of Autotune from Redman because it kind of sort of works.

so i would recommend people buy this record, if only because it’s pretty inexpensive and if you never got Blackout!, you can pick them both up in this 2-CD collector’s set. maybe you heard Blackout! was a good album? or that the title track of that album is up there with “Thug Motivation 101” on the short list of house of hate theme songs? well, if someone who isn’t a liar told you that Blackout! rules, i would check them both out.

Blackout!

and Eminem’s record isn’t bad, but if you have been waiting expectantly for it … you might be disappointed.

there is apparently a band called the Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza

now, admittedly, this site is generally a purveyor of things either comedic (like all my hilarious jokes and related material) or just plain ridiculous (like that photo of the creepy shelf with all the ultra lube on it), and that’s fine, because we like jokes around here. but sometimes, something so important happens that we have to drop the comedy act and talk about nothing else. i’m thinking of things that threaten the very nature of a free society like ours, things that are so monumental that everything else must stop while we discuss them. so let’s get right to it:

Danza Lands ‘Responsible’ Reality Show

Danza
America… you’re just not ready for this

alright, but what’s really upsetting about this story isn’t fully revealed in the title. so let’s dive right into this thing.

Actor Tony Danza is heading back to the classroom to front his own reality TV show about education.

this is actually a very good opening to the article, because it forces you to read more to make sense out of it. of all the things that Danza could make a reality show about (such as “housekeeping” or “picking up hot chicks in the 1980s”), he chooses education? i have to read on!

The former Taxi star, 58, admits he is struggling to find work as an actor, so he has decided to spend a year teaching 10th grade English at a New York City school – and film it for an as-yet-untitled series.

i have bolded the most shocking part of this statement. why the fuck is TONY DANZA struggling to find work as an actor? did no one else out there in Hollywood watch Taxi? or Who’s The Boss? or the Tony Danza Show? actually, strike that last one, because i’m pretty sure that no one watched the Tony Danza Show.

And Danza, who earned a degree in history education from Iowa’s University of Dubuque before launching his acting career, insists the programme will carve out a new genre for reality TV.

okay, here are some problems i have noticed with this plan so far: first, that Danza got a degree in history education, and is going to use that to teach 10th grade ENGLISH; second, that Danza somehow, at some point, got a degree in history education at all (seriously, what was the thought process there? because it seems completely random); third, that something called “Iowa’s University of Dubuque” is getting mentioned. i don’t really know much about Dubuque beyond it being located in Iowa and being slightly related to the life and times of Tony Danza, but i am willing to wager this: Dubuque absolutely, positively, sucks.

He says, “I was talking about going back and answering the call to service and doing something different with my life. I’m going to teach 10th grade English and have some other duties, maybe a drama class, and all of the things that come with teaching, like cafeteria duty.

Danza, listen, all the things that come with teaching are actually stuff like “dealing with angry students who have no time or respect for you” or “dealing with angry parents who want to abdicate responsibility to you while at the same time demanding you pamper their little angels” or “notable amounts of unpaid overtime to get the work done,” not cafeteria duty. cafeteria duty is cake and not worth mentioning. though it’s completely subtle how he worked in “maybe a drama class.”

Danza
LL Cool D: ladies love cool Danza

“I’m trying to do what I call ‘responsible reality’. I don’t want to do that other (reality) stuff and I don’t want to do a game show, and nobody’s knocking down my door for acting jobs.

…Danza, listen, there’s no such thing as “responsible reality,” because unless you’re shooting a serious documentary (and you’re not), then either we’re laughing at a reality show being stupid and ridiculous (which is what the standard reality shows all come under the heading of), or we’re laughing at the sad situation you’re in (such as, say, being Tony Danza being paid to star in a terrible reality show).

“I’m hoping that I’m going to move into the community and try to change some lives. I can smell 60 now and I’ve got a little bit of wisdom.”

“kids, here’s my advice: don’t blow all the money you make on the big acting successes of your career on cocaine and prostitutes, because neither of those is actually a sound investment. and further, never have sexual intercourse with Judith Light. that shit will take YEARS off your life.”

The name of the school where Danza will teach will remain under wraps for privacy reasons, reports the New York Post.

oh COME ON. that shit will remain “under wraps” for about 13 seconds, maximum. though i think there will be a race to see which of the following happens first: the name of the school being revealed or the show being canceled for a total lack of ratings.

The series will air on America’s A&E network this autumn.

stay classy, A&E… stay classy.

Joe the Plumber: not exactly an excellent political representative

DISCLAIMER: i’m going to be talking about partisan politics in this update, something that has been known to make me go completely crazy in the past and which i don’t really like to talk about, given the fact that i don’t believe in democracy anymore. still, you know, since i spent all weekend drinking absinthe and watching yakuza movies, i don’t really have a better topic. but if you’re not in the mood for such things, i recommend cracking open a Dos Equis and listening to Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons records (i prefer “Beggin” or “Dawn,” myself). either way, enjoy!

alright, so as you may or may not have heard, we had this whole election thing last year and, frankly, it didn’t go too well for the GOP. now i know a lot of people here on the internet (or “series of tubes” or whatever you like to call it, who knows how this mess actually works) don’t really care about how sad or angry the GOP is; the internet is for hip, cool Democrats and the talk radio is for the Republicans, except when the Democrats are complaining how unfair it is that they don’t dominate it. i, however, do care, because i am a self-admitted Republican in a state filled with Democrats who is often accused of concealing my Republicanism (despite the fact that i openly admit it), though it’s also fair to say that my allegiance is based on some very specific points of the platform:

01. i think guns are really, really excellent;
02. i think the current political machine(s) that run my state is/are corrupt and don’t care about me;
03. i think elephants are FUCKING AWESOME

ELEPHANT
yes, this is the kind of thing that inspires me to vote

but all that being said, i’m not anxious to jump on some of the shrill post-election bandwagons that seek to “fix” whatever “reasons” were the cause of the GOP losing the election, mainly because these basically boil down to “not enough talk about GAY MARRIAGE” or “not enough SARAH PALIN” or “not enough talk about how Obama is a secret Muslim.” i don’t care about any of this nonsense. instead, i’m more concerned when i hear that people like Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, are quitting the party:

Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, tells TIME he’s so outraged by GOP overspending, he’s quitting the party — and he’s the bull’s-eye of its target audience. But he also said he wouldn’t support any cuts in defense, Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid — which, along with debt payments, would put more than two-thirds of the budget off limits.

and why am i concerned? because this idiot should never have been allowed to hang around in the public eye and quit! he should have been ejected, preferably by me wailing on him and/or running him over with an SUV like in that sweet, sweet video from the UAE. seriously, we should all stop talking about politics and talk about THAT.


with all due respect to the UAE, i could watch this video all day long

anyway, where were we? oh yeah… people i want to eject from the whole “talking head that represents the GOP” club. there are a few of them, and so i will make a little list of them for you now, and maybe add some harsh comments.

Samuel Wurzelbacher
yeah, we just mentioned this, and i am annoyed by many things that have to do with his fifteen minutes of fame (such as “how is this random idiot a famous GOP member while i have this non-profitable website”). but let’s just stick to this current one: way to piss and moan about “overspending” while not only demanding the majority of the budget not be cut at all, but also, demanding that specific parts of the budget (Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid) that stereotypical conservatives HATE be spared. you know what? get the fuck out already.

Alan Keyes
i’m still mad about your carpetbagging move to go run against Obama in Illinois when you clearly weren’t in a position to legitimately represent people from that state; i had this same beef with Maryland’s own KKT moving to Maryland to run for office simply because Maryland is a Democrat-friendly state. luckily for you or me or whoever, no one cares about you at all, so i guess it’s like you already left.

PALIN
this is not the aspect of Sarah Palin that i have any issue with

Sarah Palin
around the janklow ranch, i get a lot of static for this because my grandfather loves Sarah Palin to death. “but she loves guns!” he says. i grant this – and to be clear, i really do; never let it be said that i take defense of my gun rights for granted, and i give Palin credit for that. but here’s the thing: no matter how much you like her, she’s spent the entire time since the election having her family outed as the whitest of white trash. i don’t care that it’s her child or any other relatives; the fact of the matter is that it makes her look TERRIBLE. and that’s not the kind of look i can have in my GOP figurehead. Palin, you can stay in the party if you like, but get the fuck off television ASAP.

Rush Limbaugh/Ann Coulter/whoever
so here’s the thing: i don’t mind the talking heads being ridiculous talking heads because a) they’re still in the field of entertainment and they have to get the asses in the seats to stay in business and b) they really, really annoy those stereotypical sensitive liberals. but in the end, what i DO mind is guys like Rush telling me how they’re super-geniuses that know best while simultaneously demanding that politicians a) adopt the most conservative, unelectable positions possible and b) kowtow to them. perhaps the former can be pushed onto an electorate to some extent (for example, i have no issue with abortion, but a politician hating abortion alone wouldn’t stop me from voting for him), but the latter disgusts everyone except the talking head in question. so shut the fuck up already.

okay, i’m spent. i mostly wanted to bash that Joe the Plumber anyway; the rest just sort of got caught in the crossfire. it’s a good thing i don’t believe in democracy anymore!

there will be a swine flu apocalypse or Joe Biden’s name ain’t Joe Biden!

so recently there’s been a lot of talk about this whole “swine flu” epidemic that’s racing around the globe, and not just a lot of talk around the compound here, but a lot of talk around THE WORLD. we’re all very excited about our upcoming demise at the hands of this shiny new infection, which is currently burning up the charts with ever-increasing levels of “pandemicism” or whatever the hell it is that the WHO rates. i’m not even very sure what the WHO does; honestly, the main thing i know about the WHO is that it needs to change its acronym, because it always reminds me of the excellent rock band the Who, and that’s a comparison that a bunch of science dudes from around the globe are NEVER going to win as long as there are glossy photos of Roger Daltrey rocking it out hardcore on the internet.

Roger Daltrey
“can you see the real me, World Health Organization? can you?” seriously, what scientist can compete with that?

there are, however, a few things about this pandemic that have been disappointing to me so far:

01. the lack of the public’s moral support. everyone seems so UPSET about this concept, and it can’t just all be people trying to fake it to get out of work; the way i see it, if we don’t embrace this pandemic, we’re not going to have a really good one. look at SARS: it was basically a lot of big talk, followed by a distinct lack of consumer support (i mean, who do you know that really EMBRACED SARS), followed by this fizzling sound of people being totally alive. Americans and others, i know how much you love to consume post-apocalyptic movies and books and so on… so why aren’t you getting behind this thing?

02. the media’s scaremongering. conversely, while i do support pandemics as a concept, i certainly DON’T support a lot of big talk about them when there’s nothing there, and this perpetual white-hot state of panic we’re living in thanks to the media is getting a little bit old. so maybe we need a media scale to go along with this “5-6-7, open up the pearly gates” noise the WHO is always talking about. actually, i’ll make it a simple one: if over 1000 people worldwide or 1 person in my hometown die of this disease, then you can talk about it all the time. if not… well, as the man would say, you can cram it with walnuts.

03. the name, “swine flu,” which just reminds us all of that 1976 fiasco with its disappointing flu and man-crippling vaccines and the like. granted, i understand why we’re using similar names, but it’s not going to help anyone take it seriously (or, even better, TOO seriously) if it gets confused with that Ford-era mess. but we’re not going to be calling it H1N1 (for reasons of that name being too lame) or “Mexican flu” (for reasons that i trust are immediately apparent)… so i guess what i’m saying is that we should just call it Captain Trips and hope for the best.

04. my grandfather trying to guilt me to death (ha!) over this whole plague of 2009. i was delivering a prototype of this bit to him about how we need to rally behind this swine flu thing if it’s going to be successful, to which his response is, “you know, you shouldn’t be happy about this kind of thing, because it may mean your loved ones die.” now aside from the fact that i think we’re all aware there’s an element of comedy at work here (i mean, i am a notorious character in that way) and he’s being a total buzzkill about it, i ALSO think this is the wrong way to look at it. forget about the loved ones that will die: what about all the people who are terrible, terrible human beings that will ALSO die? when life hands you lemons crawling with disease, make toxic lemonade! or something, come up with your own analogy.

plus, as i tried to tell him, i think some of us have been prepping for a zombie or otherwise-caused apocalypse now for some time; if we don’t get one, all of my stockpiling of canned food and firearms is going to go completely to waste! how are we going to end up fighting each other with chainsaws in the desert while adorned in the rags of a bygone civilization if we don’t embrace these apocalyptic scenarios?

the Road Warrior
how can such excellent battles be expected to come to pass if we’re all running around washing our hands and not coughing on each other?

still, luckily for us disappointed types, however, there’s one thing we can never be disappointed by: Vice-President Joe Biden’s desire to lose his damn mind over this. i will quote the article with the best title (“Biden’s flu safety tips: don’t go anywhere or do anything“) on this:

“The vice president’s office was on full alert this morning. Not because of the flu. But because Biden was talking about the flu. And sure enough, moments after he spoke, his staff had to issue a statement clarifying what he meant.

Avoid every location

Biden told viewers of NBC’s Today show that they should avoid cars, planes, classrooms, trains, subways, and confined spaces in order to protect themselves from the flu. If all of those choices are not good, where could you hang out? Biden suggested the “middle of a field” was a good idea.

Quotes

“I would tell members of my family, and I have, I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places right now,” Biden said to calm worried citizens about the flu.

“I would not be at this point, if they had another way of transportation, suggesting they ride the subway,” he added. “From my perspective, it relates to is mitigation. If you’re out in the middle of a field and someone sneezes that’s one thing. If you’re in a closed aircraft, a closed container, closed car, a closed classroom, it’s a different thing.””

…wow.

Joe Biden
another excellent thing to come out of this coming pandemic is me finding the greatest photo of Joe Biden to date

alright, alright, i know it’s a little bit of a set-up to juxtapose “said to calm worried citizens” with remarks about how we should avoid EVERYTHING, but seriously, Biden could have come out on stage and answered a query about the swine flu by screaming “LET’S GO CRAZY, BROADWAY-STYLE” and it STILL wouldn’t have been such a poor-quality answer. though it should be said that i generally support the use of “let’s go crazy, Broadway-style” in most any circumstance. still, Joe Biden, you are SO the gift that keeps on giving.

and yeah, i know, this post won’t be very funny if the swine flu wipes out a ton of people. i will apologize at that point, okay?