Joe the Plumber: not exactly an excellent political representative

DISCLAIMER: i’m going to be talking about partisan politics in this update, something that has been known to make me go completely crazy in the past and which i don’t really like to talk about, given the fact that i don’t believe in democracy anymore. still, you know, since i spent all weekend drinking absinthe and watching yakuza movies, i don’t really have a better topic. but if you’re not in the mood for such things, i recommend cracking open a Dos Equis and listening to Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons records (i prefer “Beggin” or “Dawn,” myself). either way, enjoy!

alright, so as you may or may not have heard, we had this whole election thing last year and, frankly, it didn’t go too well for the GOP. now i know a lot of people here on the internet (or “series of tubes” or whatever you like to call it, who knows how this mess actually works) don’t really care about how sad or angry the GOP is; the internet is for hip, cool Democrats and the talk radio is for the Republicans, except when the Democrats are complaining how unfair it is that they don’t dominate it. i, however, do care, because i am a self-admitted Republican in a state filled with Democrats who is often accused of concealing my Republicanism (despite the fact that i openly admit it), though it’s also fair to say that my allegiance is based on some very specific points of the platform:

01. i think guns are really, really excellent;
02. i think the current political machine(s) that run my state is/are corrupt and don’t care about me;
03. i think elephants are FUCKING AWESOME

ELEPHANT
yes, this is the kind of thing that inspires me to vote

but all that being said, i’m not anxious to jump on some of the shrill post-election bandwagons that seek to “fix” whatever “reasons” were the cause of the GOP losing the election, mainly because these basically boil down to “not enough talk about GAY MARRIAGE” or “not enough SARAH PALIN” or “not enough talk about how Obama is a secret Muslim.” i don’t care about any of this nonsense. instead, i’m more concerned when i hear that people like Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, are quitting the party:

Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, tells TIME he’s so outraged by GOP overspending, he’s quitting the party — and he’s the bull’s-eye of its target audience. But he also said he wouldn’t support any cuts in defense, Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid — which, along with debt payments, would put more than two-thirds of the budget off limits.

and why am i concerned? because this idiot should never have been allowed to hang around in the public eye and quit! he should have been ejected, preferably by me wailing on him and/or running him over with an SUV like in that sweet, sweet video from the UAE. seriously, we should all stop talking about politics and talk about THAT.


with all due respect to the UAE, i could watch this video all day long

anyway, where were we? oh yeah… people i want to eject from the whole “talking head that represents the GOP” club. there are a few of them, and so i will make a little list of them for you now, and maybe add some harsh comments.

Samuel Wurzelbacher
yeah, we just mentioned this, and i am annoyed by many things that have to do with his fifteen minutes of fame (such as “how is this random idiot a famous GOP member while i have this non-profitable website”). but let’s just stick to this current one: way to piss and moan about “overspending” while not only demanding the majority of the budget not be cut at all, but also, demanding that specific parts of the budget (Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid) that stereotypical conservatives HATE be spared. you know what? get the fuck out already.

Alan Keyes
i’m still mad about your carpetbagging move to go run against Obama in Illinois when you clearly weren’t in a position to legitimately represent people from that state; i had this same beef with Maryland’s own KKT moving to Maryland to run for office simply because Maryland is a Democrat-friendly state. luckily for you or me or whoever, no one cares about you at all, so i guess it’s like you already left.

PALIN
this is not the aspect of Sarah Palin that i have any issue with

Sarah Palin
around the janklow ranch, i get a lot of static for this because my grandfather loves Sarah Palin to death. “but she loves guns!” he says. i grant this – and to be clear, i really do; never let it be said that i take defense of my gun rights for granted, and i give Palin credit for that. but here’s the thing: no matter how much you like her, she’s spent the entire time since the election having her family outed as the whitest of white trash. i don’t care that it’s her child or any other relatives; the fact of the matter is that it makes her look TERRIBLE. and that’s not the kind of look i can have in my GOP figurehead. Palin, you can stay in the party if you like, but get the fuck off television ASAP.

Rush Limbaugh/Ann Coulter/whoever
so here’s the thing: i don’t mind the talking heads being ridiculous talking heads because a) they’re still in the field of entertainment and they have to get the asses in the seats to stay in business and b) they really, really annoy those stereotypical sensitive liberals. but in the end, what i DO mind is guys like Rush telling me how they’re super-geniuses that know best while simultaneously demanding that politicians a) adopt the most conservative, unelectable positions possible and b) kowtow to them. perhaps the former can be pushed onto an electorate to some extent (for example, i have no issue with abortion, but a politician hating abortion alone wouldn’t stop me from voting for him), but the latter disgusts everyone except the talking head in question. so shut the fuck up already.

okay, i’m spent. i mostly wanted to bash that Joe the Plumber anyway; the rest just sort of got caught in the crossfire. it’s a good thing i don’t believe in democracy anymore!

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