there is apparently a band called the Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza

now, admittedly, this site is generally a purveyor of things either comedic (like all my hilarious jokes and related material) or just plain ridiculous (like that photo of the creepy shelf with all the ultra lube on it), and that’s fine, because we like jokes around here. but sometimes, something so important happens that we have to drop the comedy act and talk about nothing else. i’m thinking of things that threaten the very nature of a free society like ours, things that are so monumental that everything else must stop while we discuss them. so let’s get right to it:

Danza Lands ‘Responsible’ Reality Show

Danza
America… you’re just not ready for this

alright, but what’s really upsetting about this story isn’t fully revealed in the title. so let’s dive right into this thing.

Actor Tony Danza is heading back to the classroom to front his own reality TV show about education.

this is actually a very good opening to the article, because it forces you to read more to make sense out of it. of all the things that Danza could make a reality show about (such as “housekeeping” or “picking up hot chicks in the 1980s”), he chooses education? i have to read on!

The former Taxi star, 58, admits he is struggling to find work as an actor, so he has decided to spend a year teaching 10th grade English at a New York City school – and film it for an as-yet-untitled series.

i have bolded the most shocking part of this statement. why the fuck is TONY DANZA struggling to find work as an actor? did no one else out there in Hollywood watch Taxi? or Who’s The Boss? or the Tony Danza Show? actually, strike that last one, because i’m pretty sure that no one watched the Tony Danza Show.

And Danza, who earned a degree in history education from Iowa’s University of Dubuque before launching his acting career, insists the programme will carve out a new genre for reality TV.

okay, here are some problems i have noticed with this plan so far: first, that Danza got a degree in history education, and is going to use that to teach 10th grade ENGLISH; second, that Danza somehow, at some point, got a degree in history education at all (seriously, what was the thought process there? because it seems completely random); third, that something called “Iowa’s University of Dubuque” is getting mentioned. i don’t really know much about Dubuque beyond it being located in Iowa and being slightly related to the life and times of Tony Danza, but i am willing to wager this: Dubuque absolutely, positively, sucks.

He says, “I was talking about going back and answering the call to service and doing something different with my life. I’m going to teach 10th grade English and have some other duties, maybe a drama class, and all of the things that come with teaching, like cafeteria duty.

Danza, listen, all the things that come with teaching are actually stuff like “dealing with angry students who have no time or respect for you” or “dealing with angry parents who want to abdicate responsibility to you while at the same time demanding you pamper their little angels” or “notable amounts of unpaid overtime to get the work done,” not cafeteria duty. cafeteria duty is cake and not worth mentioning. though it’s completely subtle how he worked in “maybe a drama class.”

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LL Cool D: ladies love cool Danza

“I’m trying to do what I call ‘responsible reality’. I don’t want to do that other (reality) stuff and I don’t want to do a game show, and nobody’s knocking down my door for acting jobs.

…Danza, listen, there’s no such thing as “responsible reality,” because unless you’re shooting a serious documentary (and you’re not), then either we’re laughing at a reality show being stupid and ridiculous (which is what the standard reality shows all come under the heading of), or we’re laughing at the sad situation you’re in (such as, say, being Tony Danza being paid to star in a terrible reality show).

“I’m hoping that I’m going to move into the community and try to change some lives. I can smell 60 now and I’ve got a little bit of wisdom.”

“kids, here’s my advice: don’t blow all the money you make on the big acting successes of your career on cocaine and prostitutes, because neither of those is actually a sound investment. and further, never have sexual intercourse with Judith Light. that shit will take YEARS off your life.”

The name of the school where Danza will teach will remain under wraps for privacy reasons, reports the New York Post.

oh COME ON. that shit will remain “under wraps” for about 13 seconds, maximum. though i think there will be a race to see which of the following happens first: the name of the school being revealed or the show being canceled for a total lack of ratings.

The series will air on America’s A&E network this autumn.

stay classy, A&E… stay classy.

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