generally speaking, when our hero janklow is under the weather, i like to use it as an excuse to make a fairly lazy update for the week, and this week shall be no exception! now, maybe if i had the swine flu i’d have something much more exciting for everyone out there (“this week, i’m going to attempt to destroy humanity by spreading the terrifying contagion that is SWINE FLU”), but it seems like i have something much more boring that a) can be destroyed by the appropriate application of chicken soup and whiskey and b) will not prevent me from going to work tomorrow. but enough about my laziness: on with the update!
James Harrison: remaining inexplicably furious about everything for no good reason
now, if there’s one thing i love about professional athletes, it’s that they’re generally not incredibly well-skilled for dealing with public relations issues, while at the same time being possessed of the ability to have their regrettable statements shot all across the United States in a matter of moments. in fairness, there are many intelligent and/or well-spoken athletes who ruin my fun, but luckily, James Harrison is not one of them. let’s start by quoting him:
“Linebacker James Harrison — who made Super Bowl history with a 100-yard interception return for a touchdown — said he’ll pass on the invite from President Barack Obama.
“This is how I feel — if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don’t win the Super Bowl. As far as I’m concerned, he would’ve invited Arizona if they had won,” said Harrison.”
oh, James Harrison. of COURSE he would have invited Arizona if they won. that’s the way this whole “win the Super Bowl, be the reigning champions of the NFL” thing works. so we know that Harrison’s at least sort of dumb and at worst, he’s upset that Obama doesn’t want to hang out with him and watch him play on a regular basis. James Harrison, is Obama a Steelers fan? and to answer your question as to “why it is a big issue now that i’m not going if it wasn’t a big issue the last time,” beyond the fact that Obama is the second coming of Jesus Christ and you’ve now insulted him, it’s probably because i don’t recall you making such an idiotic remark about the president would have invited the other team if they’d won the Super Bowl.
but let’s not dwell on this too much, because everyone on the internet and/or at your office already is; the main thing for me is that James Harrison is a Steeler, and considering that their players are usually classy gents like Troy Polamalu and considering that their organization is turbo-well-run and keeps winning all these championships and blah blah blah … well, it’s nice to have something about the Steelers to make serious fun of aside from Steely McBeam, the Worst Mascot Ever To Live. and considering that as a Raiders fan, Steelers fans are ALWAYS mocking the hell out of me and/or my team, well, it’s nice to turn the tables on them for a week. next stop: DHB scoring dozens of touchdowns!
oh, look, John Travolta is so EDGY and so AWESOME that i can barely stand it! why can’t this film be in theaters RIGHT NOW?
so maybe you know, maybe you don’t know, but janklow likes to enjoy the occasional heist/crime caper movie. this is why i’ll be defending Rififi while people are busy watching the remake of the Italian Job and complaining that i won’t stop talking about “black-and-white films” made in “foreign countries” that “aren’t even in English.” this, like most things, is just another cross i have to bear. it’s why i am sort of like Jesus, only without all the religion and foot-washing.
ANYWAY, sacrilege aside, i keep seeing these ads for this movie the Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, starring Denzel Washington (who i enjoy in films) and John Travolta (who i despise). now, people in general probably don’t know that there was once this film that came out in 1974 called the Taking of Pelham One Two Three that happened to be the original version of this film. true, the casting wasn’t as flashy, what with Walter Matthau being the sexy young male lead (i guess) and the robbers being guys like Robert Shaw and Martin Balsam and Hector Elizondo and Earl Hindman (exactly, especially with the latter being known for his faceless role on “Home Improvement”) and a young pre-Seinfeld Jerry Stiller being in the mix. but it was a solid little heist film that was well-done for the time and which featured a pretty solid villain in Robert Shaw’s Blue. i imagine that his acting chops will be replace with John Travolta chewing up the scenery and yelling BAD-ASS lines. and, slight spoiler here, he’ll probably survive the damn film and be in a sequel because he’ll be SO DAMN COOL.
honestly, you know what really sums this up for me? the simple change of “One Two Three” in the original title to “1 2 3” in the remark’s title. oooh, numerals are way cooler than words! yeah! seriously, fuck this shit and fuck John Travolta for being involved in it. and this whole mess has reminded me that people keep telling me they’re making a Red Dawn remake. fuck Hollywood!
on why it’s excellent to know poor people who have guns they can sell to me
there was some recent shooting going on here, at which time we learned some very valuable pieces of information:
-Zippy thinks the Ruger 10-22 is completely awesome;
-motorcycle helmets might be surprisingly durable in the face of 7.62x54mm rifle rounds and some double-ought buckshot, but 5.56x45mm rounds go zipping right through them (and thus, i shouldn’t be counting on them for post-apocalyptic combat);
-fuck, ammunition is very, very expensive to replace right now! i think i am shooting nothing but .22 LR and 9mm for the next 8 years or so, until Obama gets out of office and the bubbas can stop shooting urine into their pants at the thought of his SECRET MUSLIM way.
but more that all this, as Smilez likes to say “poor friends who need money are a good way to get cheap guns” (or, rather, i like to paraphrase what he likes to say, because the exact quote escapes me right now). and so, this is why a friend of ours who might have had to sneak out of the house with his 10-22 so he wouldn’t get in trouble with the wife for shooting with us has sold me said 10-22 … which i have promptly ran around the property lording over one Zippy, who assures me that i am allowed to keep it in his bedroom so that he can shoot it any time he likes. he should have thought of that before he started pantomiming shooting me Gran-Turino-style all the time.
i know that with two Rugers purchased in a row it might seem like i don’t have beef with Bill Ruger anymore, but, no, i still do … i’ve just purchased all the Rugers worth purchasing
yes, the rear sight is about to be fixed by yours truly once Ruger gets the replacement part in question to me, but mainly, this will fuel a lot more of that .22 LR and 9mm shooting (not that the Rossi 62 SAC isn’t cool and all, but this will be cooler). seriously, $37 for a box of .40 S&W? damn that Obama!