“air sex championships” = why i am praying for rain, for tidal waves, and so on

i’ve been making a lot of fun of the internet lately (not to mention running the “series of tubes” reference into the ground), so perhaps i should pause and note that i do love and respect the internet, as it brings me a constant stream of ridiculous stories to mock and be outraged by. sometimes i can work these into longer updates, and sometimes it’s just going to be a batch of brief mockery. this is one of those latter occasions.

Infection Rules Shoaib Akhtar Out Of World Twenty20

Shoaib Akhtar
i presume this photograph was taken some time before the outbreak of genital warts

one thing that we all love about the internet is the speed with which it discovers and outs the dirty laundry of the various celebrities and politicians we care about; this Shoaib Akhtar incident just happens to be about as harsh as it gets (well, it’s maybe topped by the whole “Ron Mexico” incident involving Michael Vick, but it’s hard to make light of him these days, as everything to mock there has been run into the ground). this, however, is an exceptional story, mainly on the grounds that i don’t think anyone expected to hear “genital warts require 10 days’ treatment” and “Pakistan yet to name replacement for fast bowler” in the same breath. and we all know that “genitals warts” is an automatically comedic phrase – as long as the genital warts happen to someone else, anyway.

in more serious discussion, though, since when do we refer to the effects of a genital warts outbreak as a “wound?” also, i note from this discussion that his warts are being treated with “electrofulguration treatment,” which i gather means that they shoot electricity into his junk to kill “unwanted” tissue. this… this sounds like both a) torture and b) adding insult to injury. “well, you’ve gotten an embarrassing sexually-transmitted disease … and the only way to fight it is to shock you in the crotch over and over until it all works out.” in the face of this new information, i have to admit that currently, i’m thinking that if it’ll stop the scourge of genital warts, i’ll have to consider the notion that those insurgents might be on to something with this whole “sharia” thing.

Nationals Fail Again, This Time With Sausage Shooting Mascot

Washington Nationals
this has nothing to do with “sausagegate,” but what a ridiculous pose for a mascot to assume

ah, the Washington Nationals: they may be a local team and they may have a very nice ballpark, but i mostly love them because they make my sad, sad Pittsburgh Pirates look like a stellar team (we had a 3-1 series against them recently, and i feel pretty good about that). still, when you’re that bad of a baseball team – and the Nationals are, with all due respect, a TERRIBLE baseball team composed of Ryan Zimmerman, Adam Dunn and a batch of misfits that are better suited to improbably victories in Hollywood films than, say, actual MLB play – there’s bound to be more comedy and joy produced by your ridiculousness than just that which comes from losing to the Pirates (such as, say, misspelling the name of the team on your jerseys).

so let me just quote this portion of the article in question: “The latest and greatest in the long string of failure that is the Washington Nationals is SausageGate 2009, in which they attempt to shoot sausages, wrapped up in t-shirts, into the stands, using a small cannon. Not surprisingly, this doesn’t go as planned. It looks like the wieners couldn’t handle being shot out of a cannon like that, and fell apart, raining down chunks of sausage and buns all over the field and the fans.” what more is there to say in the face of that? it’s like a less funny but more real version of Maude Flanders being killed by t-shirt cannons at an Isotopes game.

Wind Turbine Noise Suspected Of Killing 400 Goats

poor little goats
note: these goats have not been killed by a wind turbine. they are merely fainting

my first reactions to hearing of this story were a) “what kind of fucking monsters are out there callously murdering goats with all their science” and b) “wait, you can kill goats with noise somehow? how does that work? is there some kind of awesome death frequency?” if it wasn’t for the fact that wind turbines were explicitly mentioned in the title and/or link that i followed to the article, i would have immediately assumed that some government super-weapon destroyed these goats. i’m picturing some kind of massive coil-sporting device and goats bursting like grapes in the middle of a field somewhere; a much more awesome version of the Dugway sheep incident. which, by the way, would be a GREAT name for a band.

but it turns out that all that’s going on is that the turbine noise just keeps them awake and the goats have been dying due to sleep deprivation, which is still sad, but much less cool in terms of raw, secret government technology (though on the other hand, i guarantee i know some guys who would believe my initial hypothesis was correct and call this wind turbine story a government cover-up). further, i wasn’t aware that you could actually DIE from lack of sleep (i thought you basically just had awesome hallucinations and then passed out), and i’d always understood goats to be awesome hardy animals… so since they haven’t PROVEN the turbines are killing these goats, who knows what’s going on here. still… murdered goats! outrageous!

Air Sex World Championships

Air Sex World Championships
i want to punch this guy in the face much, much harder than i have ever wanted to punch Chi McBride in the face. and that is saying something

no. just… no. everyone involved with this concept… you’re a bad person. oh, would you like to offer a justification? “”Air Sex is sort of like Air Guitar,” said Tim League, founder of the Alamo Drafthouse and the Air Sex World Championship, “except instead of pretending to play an invisible guitar on stage, contestants get up there and pretend to have sex with someone who isn’t there. With their clothes on, typically. They pick a song to perform to and then have two minutes to impress the judges with their overall Airness.”” okay, having reviewed those remarks… no. first off, air guitar is something for teenage kids to do around the house; it’s not something worthy of competing at. secondly, even if this concept of air sex wasn’t immediately considered an abomination before god – and that is one MASSIVE “if” there – the use of the phrase “their overall airness” is. and why the FUCK is Airness capitalized? why?

also, this came from Austin, Texas? why am i not surprised. in fact, here’s the vacation plan for the summer: i am going to Austin, and then i am going to drive around yelling out the window of my car at people how ashamed of them i am for allowing this shit to occur. “THE INTERNET HAS TOLD ME WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, AUSTIN; FOR SHAME! FOR SHAME!” yes… this is going to happen. and while it might seem like it’s a bad thing that the internet has inflicted this… event on me, it’s not. it’s a good thing that the internet has not allowed this nonsense to fly under the radar.

anyway, thanks for all that, internet.

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