the one about intoxicated animals and Zippy dancing like Michael Jackson

this post was mostly inspired by the third story below, but i would be remiss of i didn’t say it was also partially inspired by my old sidekick Cujo, who was prone to trying to cage beers off of people. rest assured that if you were drinking some Guinness around him, you WERE going to have to share a little of it. of course he would just drink it and take a nap, not rampage through a village or anything like that.

but this is not about dogs and beers; this week’s update is about animals getting much more wrecked and being much more crazy. so let’s get to it.

brown pelican
this bird is presumably crashing into something, or else looking for a fish, whatever works for you

kamikaze pelicans baffling California scientists

summation: brown pelicans in California are ingesting domoic acid (through the fish and shellfish they normally consume) and flying around like, well, kamikazes.

descriptive quote: “Scores of weak and disoriented California brown pelicans have been slamming into cars and boats, landing on highways and airport runways, and turning up dead in back yards and parking lots many miles from their normal coastal habitats.”

is this awesome or not: well, if the pelicans ARE actually getting high on bad acid (not unlike some kind of horrible Woodstock-themed mistake), it would be really awesome, except for the part where all the pelicans get killed. or injured or whatever, i just theorize it’s difficult for birds to survive “slamming into cars” or “turning up dead.” especially the latter. and i have to take it easy on the pelicans, because according to my grandmother, i really like pelicans. seriously, she says this; it’s not based on anything i know of, which makes it random and that makes me laugh.

but scientists think that it might not be because of domoic acid after all (see the above link), which not only makes it NOT animal intoxication (and thus should remove it from the update for the week), but also makes it much less funny. still, those scientists claim that birds eating acid caused some wicked mass avian suicide in 1961 and inspired the Birds, so i’m not letting go of the notion that chemicals make mass amounts of birds go crazy unless they make me. although i wouldn’t like to presume that acid makes people commit suicide, because as Bill Hicks would say, acid is for making you realize that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. and not so much for suicide.

elephants elephants ELEPHANTS
this elephant is absolutely living my dream: being an elephant, being heroically drunk, and being removed from a village with heavy machinery. well, okay, that last part might not be part of my dream

drunk elephants kill six people

summation: many years ago (i went with an older story because of the carnage involved), some elephants got drunk on rice beer and then ran wild and killed some people, presumably in some kind of hunt for additional beer.

descriptive quote: “The herd of wild elephants stumbled across the supplies of homemade rice beer after they destroyed granaries in search of food. … “They smashed huts and plundered granaries and broke open casks to drink rice beer. The herd then went berserk killing six people,” a forestry official told AFP news agency.”

is this awesome or not: anything involving elephants is awesome; this is probably no exception. in fact, i should have probably used THIS quote above, because it cuts to the heart of the matter: “”It has been noticed that elephants have developed a taste for rice beer and local liquor and they always look for it when they invade villages,” an elephant expert in Guwahati told Reuters news agency.” exactly. if you’re going to hoard your rice beer and not share it with elephants, what exactly do you expect to happen to your home/village/state of Assam? elephants don’t mess around.

unfortunately, once again, scientists are hard at work trying to disprove awesome claims of animal drunkenness; the search for commentary about drunken elephants has led me to discover claims that they don’t get drunk from eating fermented marula fruit, which is the SINGLE selling point behind my purchase and consumption of Amarula (i mean, it’s sort of tasty, but let’s be honest: i buy it because of my obsession with elephants). they sort of hedged their bets by claiming elephants DO get intoxicated, just on something else (bark filled with beetle pupae or something like that), so i don’t know what they’re trying to accomplish here other than killing off Amarula sales. and that’s not right.

wallaby
i assume from the crazed look in the eyes of this wallaby that he’s currently plotting on how to get himself well; personally, i recommend the metal game. there’s serious money in that copper piping, you know

wallabies damaging crops in Tasmania poppy fields after getting high

summation: in Tasmania, there’s a massive legal opium industry, which in turn has led to wallabies getting into the poppy fields and getting stoned on opium. and from there, their classy behavior takes a serious downturn.

descriptive quote: “No lesser an authority than the island’s attorney general has discovered that hungry marsupials and thousands of acres of legal opium poppy fields do not mix. “We have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles,” Lara Giddings told a budget hearing on Wednesday. … “We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high.””

is this awesome or not: seriously is there any debate about wallabies being high on opium and making crop circles being awesome? really? this is not just awesome, this is FUCKING awesome. in fact, it makes me wonder why all the other animals out there getting high aren’t stepping it up to this level. granted, there’s not a lot of animals in cities, but why aren’t we seeing more rats and squirrels going after ground stashes or something along those lines? i’m not disappointed in these wallabies, i’m disappointed in our lazy American animals!

okay, i suppose it’s bad to get wallabies hooked on the hardest of hard drugs, but look at the plus side: if they were on coke, they’d probably be stabbing each other and stealing shit from farmers, but on opium they can just chill out and make ridiculous crop circles. and that’s cool with me.

unrelated note: Michael Jackson has died today (or yesterday, rather) and that’s pretty sad; he’d turned himself into a ridiculous caricature of his former self and he may have kind of sort of fucked some young boys (or molested them or whatever). still, he was the King of Pop and i don’t know if we’re EVER going to see another such dominant pop act, at least not in my lifetime. and Thriller is a top ten all-time album, hands down. and i can attribute all his insanity to the handiwork of his terrible father. so, yeah, this sucks. and here’s the doll picture again in tribute:

janklow and the singing MJ doll

RIP, michael. my grandfather insists that you were a dancer – as in, “[janklow], did you hear about that dancer? he died” – and then sort of pantomimes your dancing. and that is both EXCELLENT and the most fitting tribute you could have. it’s just too bad i couldn’t capture any of it on video.

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2 Responses to the one about intoxicated animals and Zippy dancing like Michael Jackson

  1. jeremy says:

    Yes it is too bad that you didn’t capture Zippy pantomiming the dancing of Michael Jackson. Oh my god, would I love to see that!

  2. janklow says:

    it was a top ten Zippy moment for the year; i tried to pantomime this dance of his for you today… but i cannot quite capture it

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