“sex with a horse” generally leads to comedy gold

in the past, sometimes a crazy news story is so weird and despicable, and yet funny, that it requires me to mock it publicly here (which is different from when a news story makes me so disgusted with America that i rant about it a little bit). this is one of those times. so, without further intro, let’s get right into it.

Barbara Kenley
seriously, a picture like this tells you one thing: that this story is going to be AWESOME

sex with horse? SC man charged second time

it probably goes without saying that it’s a pretty safe bet that any time a news story involves the phrase “sex with a horse,” things are going to get ridiculous. in fact, does anyone remember the last time a “sex with a horse” story got some serious national attention? well, it might have been that time in 2005:

videotapes show bestiality, Enumclaw police say

now, that title is a little less sensational, but if you don’t recall it, the story was quite outrageous. don’t believe me? well, let’s look at the article:

ENUMCLAW — Authorities are reviewing hundreds of hours of videotapes seized from a rural Enumclaw-area farm that police say is frequented by men who engage in sex acts with animals. The videotapes police have viewed thus far depict men having sex with horses, including one that shows a Seattle man shortly before he died July 2, said Enumclaw police Cmdr. Eric Sortland. Police are reviewing the tapes to make sure no laws have been broken.

so in that paragraph alone, we’ve already got a) a rural farm (seems like a redundancy there, but whatever) frequented by men who engage in sex acts with animals, b) a man who DIED after being VIDEOTAPED being fucked by a horse and c) the sad fact that police are now going to have to review all these tapes. granted, bestiality is gross as hell, but when you make salty cops watch the videos in question, sometimes it gets hilarious. but we’re not done yet, because the article goes on to make some other interesting points:

“Washington is one of 17 states that does not outlaw bestiality. Police are also investigating the farm and the two men who live on the property to determine whether animal cruelty — which is a crime — was committed by forcing sex on smaller, weaker animals.”

okay, so what’s sadder: that bestiality isn’t outlawed in Washington, that 16 other states haven’t outlawed bestiality … or that there’s a complicated discussion about whether or not forcing sex on smaller, weaker animals (chickens, goats and sheep were also found on the farm) qualifies as “animal cruelty?” maybe we could just outlaw bestiality?

The dead man was identified as a 45-year-old Seattle resident. According to the King County Medical Examiner’s Office, he died of acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon. The man’s death is not being investigated because it did not result from a crime, Urquhart said. The Seattle man’s relatives said yesterday they never suspected he was involved in bestiality. They said they were surprised when they learned he had purchased a Thoroughbred stallion earlier this year. The man told his relatives he boarded the animal with some friends in Enumclaw. While the man’s relatives were unsure how many horses he had boarded at the property, one Enumclaw neighbor said the Seattle man was keeping two stallions there.

now, it’s not funny that this guy died from- wait, no, it IS funny. and it’s even funnier that this guy wasn’t just going out to a farm to be fucked by a horse – he actually PURCHASED the horses that were out on this farm to fuck him. but here’s what i don’t get about his family saying they never suspected it: what did they think he was doing with these horses? did he talk about riding them or jumping them or anything?

okay, but that was the past and we’ve got a present-day case of horse fucking to make fun of. so let’s return to the topic:

Equus
i’m pretty sure that the entire reason Equus was created was to indirectly give us photos to use when we mock stories about sex with horses

sex with horse? SC man charged second time

A Conway, S.C., woman who had video surveillance of a man having sexual intercourse with one of her horses said she found the suspect behind her barn Monday night and pointed a shotgun at his head until police arrived and arrested him. Rodell Vereen, 50, of Longs, is charged with buggery and trespassing after Barbara Kenley, who owns Lazy B Stables on Coates Road in the Wampee section of Horry County, told officers she had video of the suspect having sex with a horse then wanted to catch him at her barn.

the best part of this, to start, is that this woman already HAD video of this guy trespassing into her barn and fucking her horse, but still wanted to get involved in his capture. i have to admit, i wouldn’t; i figure at that point, you just call the police and say “arrest this guy that snuck into my barn and fucked my horse.” (but to be fair, later in the article, it’s claimed that the police couldn’t identify him from the video.) but we’ve already got horse-fucking and video of said events, so we can be pretty sure this story is going to get good.

A family member said Wednesday that Vereen was diagnosed with a “mental disease” more than 10 years ago. “He’s supposed to be on medication but I don’t believe he’s been taking it,” said Beulah Vereen, also a neighbor. “He’s not a violent man, I know.”

you don’t BELIEVE he’s been taking his medication? well, here’s a good indication that someone isn’t taking their medication: they get caught in a barn fucking a horse by an angry horse-owner with a shotgun. but wait, it gets better:

It is the second time Vereen, who works for a landscaping company, has been charged with having sex with a horse at Lazy B Stables. Vereen pleaded guilty to buggery on July 21, 2008 and was sentenced to three years probation, ordered to undergo mental health counseling, and told not to go near Lazy B Stables after he was caught having sex with a horse on Thanksgiving Day of 2007, according to the 15th Judicial Circuit.

that’s right, he didn’t just get caught fucking a horse; he got caught fucking a horse AGAIN. at the SAME PLACE he got caught the last time. not to repeat myself here, but yes, i don’t believe he was taking his medication. and further, if i was the police and i couldn’t recognize the offender from the video, i think i would at least have investigated the guy who was caught at the same barn fucking a horse previously.

Vereen has also been registered as a sex offender since pleading to the buggery charge last year, according to the State Law Enforcement Division.

tangent: is this sex offender registration thing really fair? like, you know how when guys get registered as sex offenders for statutory rape (or something else that’s fairly benign) and people say, “well, that’s a little unfair, sex offender status is for rapists and child molesters” and it seems like a reasonable notion? isn’t fucking a horse just not as bad as rape and child molesting?

random horse
this is the kind of visage that filled Vereen with uncontrollable lust. just think about THAT for a minute

Kenley, who lives four miles away from the stable, said she can’t afford a security system for the stables. She said she spent several hundred dollars on the video surveillance system that was used to help identify Vereen. … Kenley said Vereen was having sex with a 21-year-old horse named Sugar. Kenley said the horse is being treated for infections related to the incidents.

not to nitpick, but i think having video surveillance and a shotgun counts as a security system. i mean, didn’t it result in this guy getting apprehended while having sex with this horse? also, this is causing the horse to get infections? GROSS.

Kenley said she asked Vereen what he was doing at the barn and that he said he was looking for a bathroom.

if there’s one thing i learned from that Kids In The Hall movie, “looking for a bathroom” is pretty much the stock excuse for when you get caught in the middle of some sad, possibly criminal sex act.

in another version of this story, the horse’s owner stated that neighbors in the area were basically saying “yeah, you should have shot this guy,” but that she didn’t want to risk prison or anything. i agree with her: you never know what a jury will do, but you can probably guess that this guy going back to jail is at least going to be awkward.

“hey, man, what are you in for?”
“uh… i fucked a horse. again.”

awww… it’s an adorable new gun

so we also have the latest addition to the team in this post: a brand-new little Beretta 84FS. or, as they call it in Italy, a “Cheetah.” i don’t know why all their firearms have lame cat names. Cheetah? Tomcat? Bobcat? and the Tomcat is somehow ranked as larger (.32) than the Bobcat (.25)?

Beretta Cheetah

anyway, it’s like an adorable little version of the 92FS; it’s got a crazy capacity for a little gun (13 rounds) and extra ridiculous safety features (chamber-loaded indicator; magazine safety). the only downside is that buying it is how i learned that no one in the United States has any .380 ACP ammunition. oh well, i guess we’ll be playing with this gun in September.

two words… “heroically drunk”

to start, i have to make my excuses for the delay in getting this week’s update out there to the people, so here goes: this past week, i took some time off from work to turn 30 years old and then to celebrate that birthday by getting heroically drunk. the birthday in question was also celebrated in a variety of other ways this week, such as with “shooting guns” or “eating a delicious steak” or “receiving a bizarre Native American artifact” or “fucking bureaucratic DRAMA,” but none of the rest of those really contributed to the delay or will even figure into this update very much (except maybe for that artifact thing), because they certainly didn’t cause me to lie around the house for the next couple of days clutching my insides and hoping to die. in the end, i’m going to backdate this update and thus conceal the delay and, to beat a dead horse on this issue, no one reads this blog and, accordingly, no one cares about this delay. so let’s move on, shall we?

ANYWAY, the point is that we learned some valuable things about getting heroically drunk for your 30th birthday. and since i’ve written in the past about drinking, i figured this might work for another update (in other words, i’ve got nothing else). so here goes:

THINGS WE LEARNED ABOUT GETTING HEROICALLY DRUNK FOR YOUR 30TH BIRTHDAY

heroically drunk
this picture came up randomly when i was searching for the phrase “heroically drunk”; i have no idea why, but it seems completely fitting

how to properly define “heroically drunk”
now, while i have often referenced the concept of getting heroically drunk, and while it was an express goal for this past week, some people seem perplexed by the use of this phrase. accordingly, i’ve basically spent the week saying is that there are two ways to get heroically drunk: a) to consume an amount of alcohol that is, in and of itself, a heroic feat or b) to drink so much that you believe a generally inanimate object is actually an ogre of some kind, and then attack and slay it. i only technically achieved the former.

never let the evening start off with being outsmarted by your siblings
so i might have also attempted to secretly set a second goal for the week, to follow “getting heroically drunk,” of “vomiting in my sibling’s car as a hilarious prank.” it doesn’t sound very funny, i admit, but there’s some back story that i guess you just had to be there for. anyway, my sibling decided to do the driving in my automobile, and i never thought i would consciously prank myself with vomit… but it turns out that i will unconsciously do so. this is how we also learned the following lesson:

it really sucks to clean vomit out of your car on a steaming hot summer day
seriously. kids, learn from my mistakes on this issue.

headbutting remains a troublesome issue to conquer
now, while completely sober, i acknowledge that i have learned my lesson about headbutting – specifically about headbutting people much larger than i am – and thus generally decline to revisit the “good times” of headbutting people when they mention how much i seem to like it. but it turns out that when i am heroically drunk, i demand headbutting… and from those same massive gentlemen who are much, much larger than i and who should really know better. at least that’s what the lingering damage to my forehead says, anyway.

so do my other physical limitations as compared to my fellow man
a damaged forehead wasn’t the only injury i apparently sustained over the evening: the next morning revealed some varied damage to the hand and torso of our hero janklow (i would describe the latter as feeling “somewhat crushed”), with accompanying mysterious bruises. it turns out that while refusing to get into a car at the end of the evening, i challenged one of those people much larger than i to essentially subdue me and place me in the car… and these injuries were the result. well, fair enough. however, i was not without my moments:

even while heroically drunk, i still have my moments
what also came out in regards to placing me into a car was a moment where, while looking for my car, i declared to the designated driver and the larger gentlemen manhandling me that the car was parked on a different level of the garage… and then made a break for it. what can i say, i’m proud that even while intensely inebriated, i at least had a plan and/or people to keep an eye on me. i may also have been trying to shed my outer t-shirt to camouflage myself, but this is mostly conjecture.

like i said, it was a rough evening and the effects lingered. but more to the point: what the hell is this?

this weird Native American artifact

i don’t know what exactly it is, other than that it is a Native American artifact that was created by a now-deceased Chippewa and that it seems to defy both description and purpose (“for use at pow-wows” is the best i have heard). still, and for all the above reasons, it remains awesome. happy birthday to me.

stay classy, Marion Barry… stay classy

around these parts (what with our proximity to DC and all), there are quite a few people who aren’t great fans of the illustrious Marion Barry which, given his colorful past, i can completely understand. this attitude is, in my estimation, the wrong one, because it implies we’re looking at politicians and expecting them to stand for noble ideals and uphold democracy and so on, something that politicians have proven time and time again that they’re incapable of doing. if, however, you look at politicians for your comedy, then you’ll find that Marion Barry never disappoints. seriously, you never see his name in your local newspaper attached to anything approaching serious politics – it’s always something crazy. i mean, just look at the man’s past:

Marion Barry
before this gets too negative… please note that i do think Barry has completely awesome taste when it comes to hats

1977: shot by Hanafi Muslims when they overran the District Building. in fairness, this one is not that crazy, but a lot of people forget that Barry got randomly shot during this incident, so i like to throw it into the mix.

1990: arrested and convicted of various offenses related to smoking crack cocaine. this is probably the big incident everyone knows of Barry for, thanks to a news media that LOVES juicy stories, Chris Rock’s excellent opening bit on Roll With The New, and the excellent soundbite of “bitch set me up!” seriously, for the average politician, getting caught on an FBI surveillance video SMOKING CRACK in a hotel room with a former girlfriend (note that Barry was married at the time) will absolutely end your political career. not Barry.

1992: elected to a city council seat. please note that he’d JUST served a six-month sentence for the above conviction and then had the audacity to run on a slogan of “He May Not Be Perfect, But He’s Perfect for DC,” which absolutely says everything you need to know about politics in DC.

Marion Barry smoking crack
“ah, look, it’s our mayor smoking crack! we’d better get him back into a position of authority ASAP!”

2005-2007: Barry decides he’s not paying taxes. well, it’s a little more complicated than that: a mandatory drug test for a hearing related to his IRS troubles showed Barry positive for cocaine and marijuana, which is perhaps unsurprising for anyone who’s been caught on hidden camera SMOKING CRACK. so then he gets probation for not paying federal and local taxes. and then he didn’t file a tax return in 2007, blaming it on dialysis treatment. now, i’m not going to say that it’s impossible for him to have been honestly distracted by medical issues and/or that prosecutors don’t want to “get” him. but frankly, if i’d ever SMOKED CRACK and then got a political job after the fact… well, i’d pay my taxes.

2009: votes against recognizing same-sex marriages on the grounds that it “goes against [his] moral compass”. uh, Barry… weren’t you the guy that SMOKED CRACK in a hotel room with your ex-girlfriend while you were the mayor?

2009: the “alleged stalking.” (with all kinds of respect given to the Washington City Paper with that link there.) here it gets awesome:

Marion Barry
see, even Barry finds his track record to be awesomely ridiculous

basically, this is a case where Barry was a little obsessed with an ex-girlfriend and where there happen to be some recordings confirming as much. that in and of itself could be pretty amusing, but we should note some of the specific revelations that have come out as a result of them:

–when referencing an incident that happened at the Democratic National Convention, Donna Watts-Brighthaupt (Barry’s then-girlfriend) notes to Barry: “you put me out in Denver ’cause I wouldn’t suck your dick!” to be specific, “for reasons that remain murky,” she ended up assigned to Barry’s hotel room, Barry “allegedly asked Watts-Brighthaupt to perform oral sex on him,” she declined, and then Barry threw her clothes out of the room and locked her out, whereupon she slept in a Cadillac Barry had rented. now, while i can see how Barry might have taken issue with her (he clearly had SOME kind of party planned, though there seems to be no evidence of crack)… it seems to me this is not the kind of altercation you want taking place at your party’s national convention.

–Barry was arrested by Park Police officers for allegedly stalking Watts-Brighthaupt, which is fairly sad when you consider that he really hasn’t had much trouble in the past procuring women and/or crack cocaine.

–Barry and Watts-Brighthaupt regularly fought, including public fights, including a scuffle in in the lobby of a hotel in Vegas that Barry’s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband (how complicated) describes with the remark “she told me she put a shellacking on him.” i’d think a man who could casually toss out “bitch set me up” could at LEAST not get his ass kicked in public… but what do i know?

then he was reduced to calling her and leaving crazy message after crazy message, something that has reduced my image of Barry from “crazy renegade” to just plain old “sad.” i mean, i know the guy’s getting old, but still… hang in there, man! i need a little comedy in this cold, cold world.

the one where i use the phrase “injuring Sly Stallone is the gold standard for excellent karate”

to be honest, this was originally going to be a serious, negative rant about the United States in honor of July 4th (because i am nothing if not a loyal servant to my true master, irony); i had my material sort of planned out, i had some choice analogies ready to go (i think the US was compared to a cheating girlfriend), and so on… but then i let a little time past and got a couple of soothing alcoholic beverages in me, and now i’m not feeling it as much. so i guess that means we’re going to have to go with the traditional “make fun of some crazy nonsense we found in the news” type of post. let’s get started!

Dolph Lundgren
yes, it would be correct to assume that a photo like this made it into the “news article” i’m about to discuss, which should really tell you everything you need to know about it

Burglars tie up woman – but flee the house when they realise she’s married to action hero actor Dolph Lundgren

this is one of those stories that i feel bad about not posting about sooner. now, the title’s pretty good as is: hooligans raid the home of Dolph Lundgren’s wife and then realize their mistake and flee the scene of the crime. there are, however, some even more excellent nuances to this tale:

“The masked raiders tied up the star’s wife and terrorised her into handing over cash and jewellery by threatening her with knives. But they cut short their raid on the house near Marbella, Spain, after spotting a family photo of the action star and his children in one of the bedrooms.”

that’s right, it’s not like his wife screamed out “don’t you know who my husband is” and made the criminals realize what was afoot; they happened to spot a photo of Lundgren with his wife and this photo alone freaked them out. so i think we all know what’s going to have to happen: i’m going to get myself a photo of Dolph Lundgren to put on my nightstand. the fact that it would need to be a photo of him and i in sort of a familial bond will have to be resolved with Photoshop.

Dolph Lundgren (and janklow)
in retrospect, i am now concerned that my dazzling forgery above may give people the wrong impression about me (and Lundgren as well). WE LOVE THE LADIES

“The 6ft 5in karate black belt, once bodyguard to singer Grace Jones, had to save his strength for consoling wife Anette when she phoned him in tears to tell him what had happened.”

that’s right: KARATE IS BACK! and in case you think this is just me being childish – which in almost certainly IS, but whatever – note that the article goes on to again mention that Lundgren is “an expert in full contact karate [who] once injured Sylvester Stallone while filming Rocky IV.” so it’s not like i’m the only person refusing to let go of this “karate is the greatest thing EVER” concept (even if i happen to doubt that injuring Sly Stallone is the gold standard for excellent karate). they also made sure to note that Lundgren “also has a master’s degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney and a genius-level IQ of 160” … though i really do fail to see what benefit those are going to have in a karate fight with burglars.

An insider said: ‘Things might have turned out very differently if Dolph had been in. The criminals fled as soon as they realised the owner of the house they had raided was someone they wouldn’t want to come up against in a fight.

okay, with all due respect to Lundgren’s karate skills, how would things have been “very different?” either way, the burglars were unable to steal things, so THAT wouldn’t have very different. and here’s the thing: he’s a movie star. he’s not an organized crime mastermind who has the muscle to have those who burglarize his home tortured and murdered (shout out to Anthony Accardo) and he’s not – again, with all due respect – some high-speed Special Forces killing machine who’s immune to knives. so maybe we should just be glad the story wasn’t titled “Dolph Lundgren attempts to stop burglary and gets stabbed in the face.”

“The Swede, who turns 52 in November, still has a six-pack from training up to six days a week in his local gym.”

wait, Lundgren is 52? christ, do i feel old today.

“A source said: ‘Police have got very few leads. All three burglars wore balaclavas and they’ve no real description to go on. They’re looking at CCTV footage to see if they can advance the inquiry. Dolph’s away on business a lot and he’s increased security to try to avoid a repeat. Anette has even spoken about leaving the area. But Dolph’s persuaded her it’s a one-off and they should stay put for now.'”

away on business a lot? persuaded her it’s a one-off? i think we know what’s going on here: his wife needs to stay at home as cover for the fact that Dolph’s off in the wilderness hunting down these criminals with a machete. to which i can only say: godspeed, Dolph, godspeed.

Dolph Lundgren
this is going to be the last thing those burglars ever see. i hope god is with them

also, forgive me for getting a little bit serious for a moment and/or for going over the same nonsense i love to always be going on about. here’s a link to what i’m about to quote:

“People have been studying self-esteem for a long time, and this allows you to compare the self-esteem of kids who grew up in the nineties with, say, those who grew up in the seventies or eighties with regard to self-esteem. Self-esteem has gone up in the United States; achievement has not. If anything, compared with other countries, we have done worse, but our kids feel really good about themselves on average. … Many American kids, particularly in the last couple of decades, can feel really good about themselves without actually being good at anything. This is the problem with the “self-esteem at all costs” message. Self-esteem should be earned.”

okay, so, i know i am a sour old man and everything, but EXACTLY.

what in the hell is going on in Arkansas?

just to clear the air before we get started: this isn’t about just dumping on Arkansas just to dump on Arkansas; that’s a little petty, even for me, and it’s not like the state hasn’t been absorbing cheap shots at least since the Bill Clinton days. plus, my go-to state for mockery is Mississippi. you can never really go wrong when you start talking shit about Mississippi. it’s Mississippi! it’s always winning random titles like “most obese state” and “most illiterate state!” it’s practically begging the rest of the continental United States to rip into it at any given moment!

Mississippi
when you’re talking about Mississippi, this kind of picture is never off-topic

…but i digress. ANYWAY, occasionally, i am reading the internet news and am taken aback by something that appears before me, and recently this happened when i was confronted by this whole “lap dance prison” story. what lap dance prison story?

Inmate Sat In Feces At Lap Dance Prison

hopefully, that one’s going to do it for you, because it’s going to be incredibly difficult for me to top “inmate sat in feces at lap dance prison.” i’m not saying it’s impossible, though, because generally prison scandals can go from 0 to insane in a matter of moments. remember that Richard Speck guy? killed those nurses, died in prison, whatever … and then they found a video tape of him (along with other inmates) “performing oral sex on another inmate, ingesting cocaine, parading in silk panties, sporting female-like breasts grown from smuggled hormone treatments” … and i think we all said “even for a guy that randomly killed eight nurses, this is a twist we never saw coming.” the moral of the story? either a) prisons can get really or b) OZ was not that unrealistic of a show.

but let’s return to the feces-sitting-related story at hand. apparently, this Tucker Unit prison was going completely berserk. a short listing of things going down at this prison that we learned from this article and which most assuredly cannot be complete:

–at least some prisoner was left lying naked in his own feces, as the title implies. now, they seem to claim that the prisoner covered himself in the feces and was playing around, and obviously no one wants to be the person responsible for cleaning THAT up. but you’d think that prison guards would be a little familiar with the whole “septicemia and septic shock” thing and at LEAST spray the guy down with a hose or something. OZ leads me to believe every prison has a plethora of readily-available hoses.

Adebisi
on the other hand, OZ led me to believe that prisons are full of guys like Adebisi, something that is a) possibly excellent but also b) untrue. also, i think that screenshot comes from the “what does “brawny” mean? what does “fellatio” mean?” episode, which mostly just proves i watched too much OZ

–guards were receiving lap dances on the job. at first, i was wondering “what kind of strippers are showing up to perform at a prison and thinking it was anywhere near a good idea?” but then the article tells me that a NURSE was giving out these lap dances … and within sight of the inmates, something that i’m sure made for a safe, appropriate back-and-forth in the infirmary.

–inmates were brought in to cook for the night shift officers. really, doesn’t that just seem like an unappetizing proposition? though i suppose there’s nothing like inmate cooking at 3 AM!

also, apparently some guard at this prison shot a guy at this prison after said victim crashed his car into the assistant warden’s car. so this place is clearly like the Wild West or something. but to be fair, after taking the whole thing in, i DO actually have some doubts about this ever having happened at all. why am i so suspicious? well:

“The prison system fired Lt. John Glasscock, who supervised guards on duty at the maximum-security Tucker Unit prison. … The report said Glasscock gave false information to investigators and did substandard work “resulting in injury and/or property damage.” … By Feb. 20, an unnamed sergeant told investigators that Glasscock spent “hours” with female officers in a prison office and that a nurse performed a nighttime lap dance on Glasscock within the sight of several inmates, according to the report. That sergeant also apparently received a lap dance. … Glasscock denied the allegations against him, though he acknowledged he “messed up” by not doing rounds at the facility, the report shows. … Records show Glasscock joined the prison system as a guard in November 1996, and never was demoted or had a disciplinary infraction previously, officials said. A telephone number listed in Glasscock’s name rang unanswered Monday.”

wait… his name is Lieutenant John Glasscock? GLASSCOCK? seriously? look, i remember that Simpsons episode where there was a fictional teacher named Glasscock who’d been forced to retire from teaching because of children reacting to his name (although it was probably spelled more realistically); part of me REFUSES to believe there are real people out there who really have the name Glasscock. i’m sorry, call me a cynic, but i just don’t see it happening. not even in Arkansas.

UNRELATED NOTE: to take your mind off all that feces and Glasscock, here’s a video about a pig invading some kind of baseball game, escaping from some theatrical mascot dives and then being subdued with a mascot’s head. seriously. just look at it.