what in the hell is going on in Arkansas?

just to clear the air before we get started: this isn’t about just dumping on Arkansas just to dump on Arkansas; that’s a little petty, even for me, and it’s not like the state hasn’t been absorbing cheap shots at least since the Bill Clinton days. plus, my go-to state for mockery is Mississippi. you can never really go wrong when you start talking shit about Mississippi. it’s Mississippi! it’s always winning random titles like “most obese state” and “most illiterate state!” it’s practically begging the rest of the continental United States to rip into it at any given moment!

when you’re talking about Mississippi, this kind of picture is never off-topic

…but i digress. ANYWAY, occasionally, i am reading the internet news and am taken aback by something that appears before me, and recently this happened when i was confronted by this whole “lap dance prison” story. what lap dance prison story?

Inmate Sat In Feces At Lap Dance Prison

hopefully, that one’s going to do it for you, because it’s going to be incredibly difficult for me to top “inmate sat in feces at lap dance prison.” i’m not saying it’s impossible, though, because generally prison scandals can go from 0 to insane in a matter of moments. remember that Richard Speck guy? killed those nurses, died in prison, whatever … and then they found a video tape of him (along with other inmates) “performing oral sex on another inmate, ingesting cocaine, parading in silk panties, sporting female-like breasts grown from smuggled hormone treatments” … and i think we all said “even for a guy that randomly killed eight nurses, this is a twist we never saw coming.” the moral of the story? either a) prisons can get really or b) OZ was not that unrealistic of a show.

but let’s return to the feces-sitting-related story at hand. apparently, this Tucker Unit prison was going completely berserk. a short listing of things going down at this prison that we learned from this article and which most assuredly cannot be complete:

–at least some prisoner was left lying naked in his own feces, as the title implies. now, they seem to claim that the prisoner covered himself in the feces and was playing around, and obviously no one wants to be the person responsible for cleaning THAT up. but you’d think that prison guards would be a little familiar with the whole “septicemia and septic shock” thing and at LEAST spray the guy down with a hose or something. OZ leads me to believe every prison has a plethora of readily-available hoses.

on the other hand, OZ led me to believe that prisons are full of guys like Adebisi, something that is a) possibly excellent but also b) untrue. also, i think that screenshot comes from the “what does “brawny” mean? what does “fellatio” mean?” episode, which mostly just proves i watched too much OZ

–guards were receiving lap dances on the job. at first, i was wondering “what kind of strippers are showing up to perform at a prison and thinking it was anywhere near a good idea?” but then the article tells me that a NURSE was giving out these lap dances … and within sight of the inmates, something that i’m sure made for a safe, appropriate back-and-forth in the infirmary.

–inmates were brought in to cook for the night shift officers. really, doesn’t that just seem like an unappetizing proposition? though i suppose there’s nothing like inmate cooking at 3 AM!

also, apparently some guard at this prison shot a guy at this prison after said victim crashed his car into the assistant warden’s car. so this place is clearly like the Wild West or something. but to be fair, after taking the whole thing in, i DO actually have some doubts about this ever having happened at all. why am i so suspicious? well:

“The prison system fired Lt. John Glasscock, who supervised guards on duty at the maximum-security Tucker Unit prison. … The report said Glasscock gave false information to investigators and did substandard work “resulting in injury and/or property damage.” … By Feb. 20, an unnamed sergeant told investigators that Glasscock spent “hours” with female officers in a prison office and that a nurse performed a nighttime lap dance on Glasscock within the sight of several inmates, according to the report. That sergeant also apparently received a lap dance. … Glasscock denied the allegations against him, though he acknowledged he “messed up” by not doing rounds at the facility, the report shows. … Records show Glasscock joined the prison system as a guard in November 1996, and never was demoted or had a disciplinary infraction previously, officials said. A telephone number listed in Glasscock’s name rang unanswered Monday.”

wait… his name is Lieutenant John Glasscock? GLASSCOCK? seriously? look, i remember that Simpsons episode where there was a fictional teacher named Glasscock who’d been forced to retire from teaching because of children reacting to his name (although it was probably spelled more realistically); part of me REFUSES to believe there are real people out there who really have the name Glasscock. i’m sorry, call me a cynic, but i just don’t see it happening. not even in Arkansas.

UNRELATED NOTE: to take your mind off all that feces and Glasscock, here’s a video about a pig invading some kind of baseball game, escaping from some theatrical mascot dives and then being subdued with a mascot’s head. seriously. just look at it.

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