the one where i use the phrase “injuring Sly Stallone is the gold standard for excellent karate”

to be honest, this was originally going to be a serious, negative rant about the United States in honor of July 4th (because i am nothing if not a loyal servant to my true master, irony); i had my material sort of planned out, i had some choice analogies ready to go (i think the US was compared to a cheating girlfriend), and so on… but then i let a little time past and got a couple of soothing alcoholic beverages in me, and now i’m not feeling it as much. so i guess that means we’re going to have to go with the traditional “make fun of some crazy nonsense we found in the news” type of post. let’s get started!

Dolph Lundgren
yes, it would be correct to assume that a photo like this made it into the “news article” i’m about to discuss, which should really tell you everything you need to know about it

Burglars tie up woman – but flee the house when they realise she’s married to action hero actor Dolph Lundgren

this is one of those stories that i feel bad about not posting about sooner. now, the title’s pretty good as is: hooligans raid the home of Dolph Lundgren’s wife and then realize their mistake and flee the scene of the crime. there are, however, some even more excellent nuances to this tale:

“The masked raiders tied up the star’s wife and terrorised her into handing over cash and jewellery by threatening her with knives. But they cut short their raid on the house near Marbella, Spain, after spotting a family photo of the action star and his children in one of the bedrooms.”

that’s right, it’s not like his wife screamed out “don’t you know who my husband is” and made the criminals realize what was afoot; they happened to spot a photo of Lundgren with his wife and this photo alone freaked them out. so i think we all know what’s going to have to happen: i’m going to get myself a photo of Dolph Lundgren to put on my nightstand. the fact that it would need to be a photo of him and i in sort of a familial bond will have to be resolved with Photoshop.

Dolph Lundgren (and janklow)
in retrospect, i am now concerned that my dazzling forgery above may give people the wrong impression about me (and Lundgren as well). WE LOVE THE LADIES

“The 6ft 5in karate black belt, once bodyguard to singer Grace Jones, had to save his strength for consoling wife Anette when she phoned him in tears to tell him what had happened.”

that’s right: KARATE IS BACK! and in case you think this is just me being childish – which in almost certainly IS, but whatever – note that the article goes on to again mention that Lundgren is “an expert in full contact karate [who] once injured Sylvester Stallone while filming Rocky IV.” so it’s not like i’m the only person refusing to let go of this “karate is the greatest thing EVER” concept (even if i happen to doubt that injuring Sly Stallone is the gold standard for excellent karate). they also made sure to note that Lundgren “also has a master’s degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney and a genius-level IQ of 160” … though i really do fail to see what benefit those are going to have in a karate fight with burglars.

An insider said: ‘Things might have turned out very differently if Dolph had been in. The criminals fled as soon as they realised the owner of the house they had raided was someone they wouldn’t want to come up against in a fight.

okay, with all due respect to Lundgren’s karate skills, how would things have been “very different?” either way, the burglars were unable to steal things, so THAT wouldn’t have very different. and here’s the thing: he’s a movie star. he’s not an organized crime mastermind who has the muscle to have those who burglarize his home tortured and murdered (shout out to Anthony Accardo) and he’s not – again, with all due respect – some high-speed Special Forces killing machine who’s immune to knives. so maybe we should just be glad the story wasn’t titled “Dolph Lundgren attempts to stop burglary and gets stabbed in the face.”

“The Swede, who turns 52 in November, still has a six-pack from training up to six days a week in his local gym.”

wait, Lundgren is 52? christ, do i feel old today.

“A source said: ‘Police have got very few leads. All three burglars wore balaclavas and they’ve no real description to go on. They’re looking at CCTV footage to see if they can advance the inquiry. Dolph’s away on business a lot and he’s increased security to try to avoid a repeat. Anette has even spoken about leaving the area. But Dolph’s persuaded her it’s a one-off and they should stay put for now.'”

away on business a lot? persuaded her it’s a one-off? i think we know what’s going on here: his wife needs to stay at home as cover for the fact that Dolph’s off in the wilderness hunting down these criminals with a machete. to which i can only say: godspeed, Dolph, godspeed.

Dolph Lundgren
this is going to be the last thing those burglars ever see. i hope god is with them

also, forgive me for getting a little bit serious for a moment and/or for going over the same nonsense i love to always be going on about. here’s a link to what i’m about to quote:

“People have been studying self-esteem for a long time, and this allows you to compare the self-esteem of kids who grew up in the nineties with, say, those who grew up in the seventies or eighties with regard to self-esteem. Self-esteem has gone up in the United States; achievement has not. If anything, compared with other countries, we have done worse, but our kids feel really good about themselves on average. … Many American kids, particularly in the last couple of decades, can feel really good about themselves without actually being good at anything. This is the problem with the “self-esteem at all costs” message. Self-esteem should be earned.”

okay, so, i know i am a sour old man and everything, but EXACTLY.

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