to start, i have to make my excuses for the delay in getting this week’s update out there to the people, so here goes: this past week, i took some time off from work to turn 30 years old and then to celebrate that birthday by getting heroically drunk. the birthday in question was also celebrated in a variety of other ways this week, such as with “shooting guns” or “eating a delicious steak” or “receiving a bizarre Native American artifact” or “fucking bureaucratic DRAMA,” but none of the rest of those really contributed to the delay or will even figure into this update very much (except maybe for that artifact thing), because they certainly didn’t cause me to lie around the house for the next couple of days clutching my insides and hoping to die. in the end, i’m going to backdate this update and thus conceal the delay and, to beat a dead horse on this issue, no one reads this blog and, accordingly, no one cares about this delay. so let’s move on, shall we?
ANYWAY, the point is that we learned some valuable things about getting heroically drunk for your 30th birthday. and since i’ve written in the past about drinking, i figured this might work for another update (in other words, i’ve got nothing else). so here goes:
THINGS WE LEARNED ABOUT GETTING HEROICALLY DRUNK FOR YOUR 30TH BIRTHDAY
this picture came up randomly when i was searching for the phrase “heroically drunk”; i have no idea why, but it seems completely fitting
how to properly define “heroically drunk”
now, while i have often referenced the concept of getting heroically drunk, and while it was an express goal for this past week, some people seem perplexed by the use of this phrase. accordingly, i’ve basically spent the week saying is that there are two ways to get heroically drunk: a) to consume an amount of alcohol that is, in and of itself, a heroic feat or b) to drink so much that you believe a generally inanimate object is actually an ogre of some kind, and then attack and slay it. i only technically achieved the former.
never let the evening start off with being outsmarted by your siblings
so i might have also attempted to secretly set a second goal for the week, to follow “getting heroically drunk,” of “vomiting in my sibling’s car as a hilarious prank.” it doesn’t sound very funny, i admit, but there’s some back story that i guess you just had to be there for. anyway, my sibling decided to do the driving in my automobile, and i never thought i would consciously prank myself with vomit… but it turns out that i will unconsciously do so. this is how we also learned the following lesson:
it really sucks to clean vomit out of your car on a steaming hot summer day
seriously. kids, learn from my mistakes on this issue.
headbutting remains a troublesome issue to conquer
now, while completely sober, i acknowledge that i have learned my lesson about headbutting – specifically about headbutting people much larger than i am – and thus generally decline to revisit the “good times” of headbutting people when they mention how much i seem to like it. but it turns out that when i am heroically drunk, i demand headbutting… and from those same massive gentlemen who are much, much larger than i and who should really know better. at least that’s what the lingering damage to my forehead says, anyway.
so do my other physical limitations as compared to my fellow man
a damaged forehead wasn’t the only injury i apparently sustained over the evening: the next morning revealed some varied damage to the hand and torso of our hero janklow (i would describe the latter as feeling “somewhat crushed”), with accompanying mysterious bruises. it turns out that while refusing to get into a car at the end of the evening, i challenged one of those people much larger than i to essentially subdue me and place me in the car… and these injuries were the result. well, fair enough. however, i was not without my moments:
even while heroically drunk, i still have my moments
what also came out in regards to placing me into a car was a moment where, while looking for my car, i declared to the designated driver and the larger gentlemen manhandling me that the car was parked on a different level of the garage… and then made a break for it. what can i say, i’m proud that even while intensely inebriated, i at least had a plan and/or people to keep an eye on me. i may also have been trying to shed my outer t-shirt to camouflage myself, but this is mostly conjecture.
like i said, it was a rough evening and the effects lingered. but more to the point: what the hell is this?
i don’t know what exactly it is, other than that it is a Native American artifact that was created by a now-deceased Chippewa and that it seems to defy both description and purpose (“for use at pow-wows” is the best i have heard). still, and for all the above reasons, it remains awesome. happy birthday to me.