“sex with a horse” generally leads to comedy gold

in the past, sometimes a crazy news story is so weird and despicable, and yet funny, that it requires me to mock it publicly here (which is different from when a news story makes me so disgusted with America that i rant about it a little bit). this is one of those times. so, without further intro, let’s get right into it.

Barbara Kenley
seriously, a picture like this tells you one thing: that this story is going to be AWESOME

sex with horse? SC man charged second time

it probably goes without saying that it’s a pretty safe bet that any time a news story involves the phrase “sex with a horse,” things are going to get ridiculous. in fact, does anyone remember the last time a “sex with a horse” story got some serious national attention? well, it might have been that time in 2005:

videotapes show bestiality, Enumclaw police say

now, that title is a little less sensational, but if you don’t recall it, the story was quite outrageous. don’t believe me? well, let’s look at the article:

ENUMCLAW — Authorities are reviewing hundreds of hours of videotapes seized from a rural Enumclaw-area farm that police say is frequented by men who engage in sex acts with animals. The videotapes police have viewed thus far depict men having sex with horses, including one that shows a Seattle man shortly before he died July 2, said Enumclaw police Cmdr. Eric Sortland. Police are reviewing the tapes to make sure no laws have been broken.

so in that paragraph alone, we’ve already got a) a rural farm (seems like a redundancy there, but whatever) frequented by men who engage in sex acts with animals, b) a man who DIED after being VIDEOTAPED being fucked by a horse and c) the sad fact that police are now going to have to review all these tapes. granted, bestiality is gross as hell, but when you make salty cops watch the videos in question, sometimes it gets hilarious. but we’re not done yet, because the article goes on to make some other interesting points:

“Washington is one of 17 states that does not outlaw bestiality. Police are also investigating the farm and the two men who live on the property to determine whether animal cruelty — which is a crime — was committed by forcing sex on smaller, weaker animals.”

okay, so what’s sadder: that bestiality isn’t outlawed in Washington, that 16 other states haven’t outlawed bestiality … or that there’s a complicated discussion about whether or not forcing sex on smaller, weaker animals (chickens, goats and sheep were also found on the farm) qualifies as “animal cruelty?” maybe we could just outlaw bestiality?

The dead man was identified as a 45-year-old Seattle resident. According to the King County Medical Examiner’s Office, he died of acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon. The man’s death is not being investigated because it did not result from a crime, Urquhart said. The Seattle man’s relatives said yesterday they never suspected he was involved in bestiality. They said they were surprised when they learned he had purchased a Thoroughbred stallion earlier this year. The man told his relatives he boarded the animal with some friends in Enumclaw. While the man’s relatives were unsure how many horses he had boarded at the property, one Enumclaw neighbor said the Seattle man was keeping two stallions there.

now, it’s not funny that this guy died from- wait, no, it IS funny. and it’s even funnier that this guy wasn’t just going out to a farm to be fucked by a horse – he actually PURCHASED the horses that were out on this farm to fuck him. but here’s what i don’t get about his family saying they never suspected it: what did they think he was doing with these horses? did he talk about riding them or jumping them or anything?

okay, but that was the past and we’ve got a present-day case of horse fucking to make fun of. so let’s return to the topic:

i’m pretty sure that the entire reason Equus was created was to indirectly give us photos to use when we mock stories about sex with horses

sex with horse? SC man charged second time

A Conway, S.C., woman who had video surveillance of a man having sexual intercourse with one of her horses said she found the suspect behind her barn Monday night and pointed a shotgun at his head until police arrived and arrested him. Rodell Vereen, 50, of Longs, is charged with buggery and trespassing after Barbara Kenley, who owns Lazy B Stables on Coates Road in the Wampee section of Horry County, told officers she had video of the suspect having sex with a horse then wanted to catch him at her barn.

the best part of this, to start, is that this woman already HAD video of this guy trespassing into her barn and fucking her horse, but still wanted to get involved in his capture. i have to admit, i wouldn’t; i figure at that point, you just call the police and say “arrest this guy that snuck into my barn and fucked my horse.” (but to be fair, later in the article, it’s claimed that the police couldn’t identify him from the video.) but we’ve already got horse-fucking and video of said events, so we can be pretty sure this story is going to get good.

A family member said Wednesday that Vereen was diagnosed with a “mental disease” more than 10 years ago. “He’s supposed to be on medication but I don’t believe he’s been taking it,” said Beulah Vereen, also a neighbor. “He’s not a violent man, I know.”

you don’t BELIEVE he’s been taking his medication? well, here’s a good indication that someone isn’t taking their medication: they get caught in a barn fucking a horse by an angry horse-owner with a shotgun. but wait, it gets better:

It is the second time Vereen, who works for a landscaping company, has been charged with having sex with a horse at Lazy B Stables. Vereen pleaded guilty to buggery on July 21, 2008 and was sentenced to three years probation, ordered to undergo mental health counseling, and told not to go near Lazy B Stables after he was caught having sex with a horse on Thanksgiving Day of 2007, according to the 15th Judicial Circuit.

that’s right, he didn’t just get caught fucking a horse; he got caught fucking a horse AGAIN. at the SAME PLACE he got caught the last time. not to repeat myself here, but yes, i don’t believe he was taking his medication. and further, if i was the police and i couldn’t recognize the offender from the video, i think i would at least have investigated the guy who was caught at the same barn fucking a horse previously.

Vereen has also been registered as a sex offender since pleading to the buggery charge last year, according to the State Law Enforcement Division.

tangent: is this sex offender registration thing really fair? like, you know how when guys get registered as sex offenders for statutory rape (or something else that’s fairly benign) and people say, “well, that’s a little unfair, sex offender status is for rapists and child molesters” and it seems like a reasonable notion? isn’t fucking a horse just not as bad as rape and child molesting?

random horse
this is the kind of visage that filled Vereen with uncontrollable lust. just think about THAT for a minute

Kenley, who lives four miles away from the stable, said she can’t afford a security system for the stables. She said she spent several hundred dollars on the video surveillance system that was used to help identify Vereen. … Kenley said Vereen was having sex with a 21-year-old horse named Sugar. Kenley said the horse is being treated for infections related to the incidents.

not to nitpick, but i think having video surveillance and a shotgun counts as a security system. i mean, didn’t it result in this guy getting apprehended while having sex with this horse? also, this is causing the horse to get infections? GROSS.

Kenley said she asked Vereen what he was doing at the barn and that he said he was looking for a bathroom.

if there’s one thing i learned from that Kids In The Hall movie, “looking for a bathroom” is pretty much the stock excuse for when you get caught in the middle of some sad, possibly criminal sex act.

in another version of this story, the horse’s owner stated that neighbors in the area were basically saying “yeah, you should have shot this guy,” but that she didn’t want to risk prison or anything. i agree with her: you never know what a jury will do, but you can probably guess that this guy going back to jail is at least going to be awkward.

“hey, man, what are you in for?”
“uh… i fucked a horse. again.”

awww… it’s an adorable new gun

so we also have the latest addition to the team in this post: a brand-new little Beretta 84FS. or, as they call it in Italy, a “Cheetah.” i don’t know why all their firearms have lame cat names. Cheetah? Tomcat? Bobcat? and the Tomcat is somehow ranked as larger (.32) than the Bobcat (.25)?

Beretta Cheetah

anyway, it’s like an adorable little version of the 92FS; it’s got a crazy capacity for a little gun (13 rounds) and extra ridiculous safety features (chamber-loaded indicator; magazine safety). the only downside is that buying it is how i learned that no one in the United States has any .380 ACP ammunition. oh well, i guess we’ll be playing with this gun in September.

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