Dean Martin was the second coming of Jesus Christ; there, i said it

so i’m not sure EXACTLY how this topic came up; there was a conversation, people were talking about things, i was probably rambling about something completely random (like, say, Dean Martin), and so on. and the next thing i know, i was declaring that Dean Martin was probably the second coming of Jesus Christ. now we all say ridiculous things, but as we started to mock my concept… it actually seemed to be working out. and that’s when i realized that i might not have been colorful and hilarious as much as 100% accurate. and thus, my idea for yet another religion was born! (i have been known to consider such notions once or twice before.)

disclaimer: to all you crazy religious types that MAY, you know, take this too seriously and try to shoot me outside of my place of business, this should not be considered “sacrilegious” (or even “sacrilicious”) because i happen to think Dean Martin is completely awesome. if this doesn’t makes sense, picture me saying “Jesus is as cool as Dean Martin.” see how that sounds complementary? maybe this isn’t helping. anyway, please don’t shoot me? thanks.

additional disclaimer: i was completely sober during the creation of and/or rambling about this idea; i don’t know if that makes it better or worse, but whatever, i just wanted to say that upfront before we got into this. okay, here we go:

SEVERAL COMPLETELY REASONABLE REASONS TO INDICATE THAT DEAN MARTIN IS THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHRIST

Dean Martin
Dean Martin: too cool to live, too rare to… wait, he DID live for a long time. anyway, he’s still just ridiculously cool; just look at the man

DEAN MARTIN, LIKE JESUS CHRIST, WAS INCREDIBLY COOL
let’s just start with the most obvious comparison between the two men’s lives: their phenomenal coolness. both men were well-liked amongst varied strata of society and were renowned for their personal charm; hell, even religious sources tell us that even one of Jesus’ largest foes, Caiaphas, declared that “one thing i’ll say for him: Jesus is cool.” and frankly, between the two of them, it’s Jesus whose coolness is more up for debate. after all, it’s not like Jesus released an album with the title of “Forever Cool.”

DEAN MARTIN, LIKE JESUS CHRIST, WAS BORN TO IMMIGRANT PARENTS
in Martin’s case, we have a pair of Italian immigrants (Gaetano and Angela) in Ohio; in Jesus’ case, we have a pair of Middle Eastern immigrants (Joseph and Mary) who were forced to travel outside their native land, where their child was born. i know, i know: by itself, it seems a little coincidental, but slowly the true picture shall emerge!

DEAN MARTIN, LIKE JESUS CHRIST, WAS SMARTER THAN HIS TEACHERS
in his youth, Dean gradually became to realize that he was smarter than his teachers, or at least he thought he was; if there’s any debate about this, how many of THEM became as wildly-successful as Dean Martin? exactly. and while he wasn’t trapped in the chains of the Ohio public school system like Martin was, Jesus certainly came to realize how much better an understanding of life and/or god he had than his supposed teachers. at least i don’t recall the New Testament being full of Jesus bowing to the commands of the Pharisees.

Dean Martin
Dean Martin: putting his messiah-like powers of alcohol materialization into action to liven up a gathering… just like Jesus did. coincidence?

DEAN MARTIN, LIKE JESUS CHRIST, MADE ALCOHOL MIRACULOUSLY APPEAR AS NEEDED
okay, this one writes itself, so i won’t waste your time any further.

DEAN MARTIN, LIKE JESUS CHRIST, OPERATED UNDER THE ROMAN EMPIRE, SORT OF
Jesus obviously lived and died under the watchful eye of the Roman Empire; i kind of sort of recall them having a thing or two to do with his ultimate demise, so there’s probably no dispute there. but the Roman Empire was gone by 1917, you say? well, it’s not like Italians have gone anywhere, and it’s pretty reasonable to note that they’re the successors to the Romans. and Dean Martin was born to Italians, grew up in that kind of social environment, counted them amongst his best friends, and so on. plus, we could take this to a crazier, conspiracy-style level of “AMERICA IS THE NEW ROMAN EMPIRE” or something… but that would just be ludicrous, right?

DEAN MARTIN, LIKE JESUS CHRIST, REJECTED THE MONEYCHANGERS
following up on the heels of that last one, there’s one further thing to consider: Jesus is well-renowned for finding moneychangers, whipping them and kicking their tables over. and why did he do this? because they were essentially extorting money from a populace that had to change their money to go to temple. fair enough. Martin, for his part, wasn’t quite the kind of guy to smash tables and whip people, but it’s noted that while Martin did have some Mafia connections (there’s that Roman thing again), it’s also noted that Martin felt little sympathy for the Mafia and only did them small favors if it was not inconvenient for him; one source (Michael Freeland) goes so far as to claim FBI recordings “once picked up a mafioso making plans to injure or even kill Martin because of a perceived lack of gratitude.” seems close enough to me!

the Rat Pack
seriously, you take in the excellent of this image and tell me that that Last Supper painting tops it. at least this one can’t inspire some kind of shitty Dan Brown novel

DEAN MARTIN, LIKE JESUS CHRIST, ROLLED WITH A BAND OF APOSTLES
okay, this is an easy one: the various apostles that ran around with Jesus with their varying names and their occasional whining are well-known to us all, and Dean Martin had his Rat Pack (and also, Jerry Lewis). granted, some posit Sinatra as the leader of said pack, or at least claim Martin and Sinatra founded it… but come on, if you’re Peter Lawford, whose word would you heed more, Frank’s or Dean’s? i don’t know how directly we can make parallels here, but we can try (and it helps if we drop some of the names that aren’t in every gospel, i guess):
–Jerry Lewis = Peter: after all, who profited the most from his close relationship to Jesus/Martin? the guy who became the first pope and/or parlayed their stage act into a successful film career, that’s who!
–Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr. = John and James: the two were brothers of similar origin and similar employment; Sinatra and Davis were both born in the New York/New Jersey area and were employed in the same singing and acting field. there we go.
–Peter Lawford = Matthew: well, Matthew was a tax collector, and thus not as trustworthy as others in the eyes of the masses; Lawford was British, and i think the same lack of trust applies there, right?
–Norman Fell = Judas Isacariot: it’s noted that Norman Fell was “briefly” considered a member of the Rat Pack during the filming of Ocean’s Eleven, but who would “briefly” be a member of such an awesome group? a TRAITOR, that’s who!
–Shirley MacLaine = Mary Magdalene/Thomas: originally, i was comparing her to Thomas, since he was the most feminine of all the apostles, what with all his doubting and everything, but my father claims this is the best comparison (since MacLaine was the woman most often considered a member of the Rat Pack). but if you want to be anal-retentive about this, go back to my first choice.
–Joey Bishop = the rest: meh, it’s Joey Bishop. he’s as nondescript as Andrew or Bartholomew/Nathanael or the other James or Thaddeus or Simon were. what exactly do you recall about any of them? now, what exactly do you recall about Joey Bishop?

Jesus and Dean Martin, together at last
hey, they’re even equally good at staring up at the heavens in a meaningful fashion

DEAN MARTIN, LIKE JESUS CHRIST, HAD A GREAT HEAD OF HAIR
this might be the most important of them all. when you look at the above picture of Jesus, what’s the first thing you think? sure, the second thing you think might be “that’s an image of Cesare Borgia, the second son of Pope Alexander, the sixth of Rome, and once the picture was shown, that’s how the devils tricked my dome” … but come on, you Killah Priest wannabe, the FIRST thing you think is “wow, what amazing hair!” but then look at Dean Martin and tell me who’s hair is REALLY the best.

honestly, the worst thing about this whole mess is knowing that while all this time when we were waiting for the messiah to return, he DID return and we totally missed it. tragic, truly tragic.

honey badgers: sort of like wolverines with racing stripes

while i ordinarily reserve my praise for a very select group of plants and animals on this crazy world of ours (pomegranates, elephants, Vladimir Putin, and so on), sometimes i see something new and crazy on the internet that causes me to pause and expand my group of praiseworthy people and animals (and, i guess, plants). sometimes this is something like Adrian Wilson making a ridiculous leap in an internet video (he’s now considered by me to be almost as cool as Putin), and sometimes this has to do with the latest member of this group: the illustrious honey badger. and some of you internet nerds probably know immediately where this is going.

if you don’t, however, i am going to try and save the best for last. until then, let me attempt to make a case for the excellence of an animal with a lame name like “honey badger,” with, as always, help from the internet. here goes!

honey badger wrecking a snake
the fact that this honey badger can confront a snake without freaking out and then kill it means it’s at least as fearless than my grandmother

SOME REASONS WHY HONEY BADGERS ARE AWESOME
wow, this format is very familiar! and informative!

HONEY BADGERS ARE MEMBERS OF THE MUSTELIDAE FAMILY
this might not seem like much to you, but the Mustelidae family includes some excellent members: otters, which are either adorable with their little hands like people or gigantic; ermines and minks and all those “luxurious” animals with cool fur; weasels and ferrets, which are adorable; and, of course, the noble wolverine, which is absolutely insane and vicious and, if the documentary Red Dawn is to be believed, rabidly anti-communist. there’s also something called a “ferret-badger,” which i don’t even understand. fucking nature.

HONEY BADGERS TOTALLY HAVE IT OUT FOR BEES
and i can totally relate! okay, while i admit my burning hatred is really for wasps (what with them attacking me in my sleep and everything), i still do have that “attack by ground bees” thing that i have sworn revenge for. so the notion of a crazy badger that bursts into a beehive and starts eating like crazy makes me smile. and considering the number of people out there who freak out at the sight of a single bee drifting around in the area, the fact that this badger could apparently care less about them is awesome.

HONEY BADGERS HAVE BIRD SIDEKICKS
one great mark of animal excellence is having birds around that help you out with something; technically, animals can work this out by having fish or something else do the same stuff, but birds are the best, as all those pirates with parrots can attest to. in this case, honey badgers are supposedly led to bees’ nests by a bird called the “honeyguide” often/sometimes/well, it happened once. granted, this bird’s name is a little lame, but animal teamwork still rules.

honey badger about to wreck a child
wow, this kid is either really brave or really dumb, as i can only imagine that badger is about to eat both his flesh and his soul; note the legion of responsible adults watching from a distance away BEHIND A WALL

HONEY BADGERS ARE RIDICULOUS HUNTERS
so, this quote kind of starts off terribly:
“The badger is among the fiercest hunters in its range, with prey including earthworms, termites, scorpions, porcupines, hares-“
…because as we all know, it doesn’t exactly make you a fierce hunter to prey on EARTHWORMS. this is not such a great look for the badger, as even the lamest of small children prey on earthworms to get attention in grade school, and no one would ever call those children “fierce hunters.”

but then it gets better:
“-and larger prey such as tortoises, crocodiles up to one metre in size, and snakes (including pythons and venomous species).”
what the fuck? this badger kills CROCODILES? and PYTHONS? good lord. i mean, we all know that badgers are famously ornery, but i generally assume that going after crocodiles is something that most animals just don’t do. granted, i’m picturing a badger leaping into a river and slaying a crocodile in a manner that almost certainly doesn’t happen… but what if it does? thanks to that mental image, i am now turbo-glad i don’t live in most of Africa, eastern Iran, southern Iraq, Pakistan or western India. well, for more reasons than before, at least.

they are also known for their snake-killing abilities… but we’re going to come back to this one.

HONEY BADGERS ARE NOT TO BE PREYED UPON
you could probably have guessed that, though. granted, animals like lions generally prove to be a lot lamer than advertised and never really kill anything besides even-lamer people (who, if anything, have historically proven that they can be worked over by any animal out there). still, neither lions or most anything else is apparently able to kill these badgers, because:
“their ferocity and thick, loose skin makes it difficult to grip or suffocate them. It is able to twist inside its own skin and bite whatever is holding it.”
this “twist inside its own skin” phrase makes these badgers seem to violate the laws of physics… a concept i find completely plausible.

HONEY BADGERS APPARENTLY USE TOOLS
boy, this scenario of unstoppable badgers just gets worse and worse. apparently they’ve been captured on film using tools:
“In the 1997 documentary series Land of the Tiger, a honey badger in India was filmed making use of a tool. The animal rolled a log and stood on it to reach a kingfisher fledgling stuck up in the roots coming from the ceiling in an underground cave.”
so you know it’s only a matter of time before these honey badgers know how to operate a slim jim to get inside your locked car and finish you off. and frankly, does your lame golden retriever use tools? and yet you think that dog is so smart!

honey badger about to wreck YOUR HEART
awww, who could call such an adorable animal “quite a thug in its own right?” oh, wait, that would be anyone that saw it fearlessly wrecking all competitors

HONEY BADGERS HAVE CLAIMED THE ANIMAL WORLD’S GREATEST TITLES
well, maybe not ALL of them, but the Guinness Book of World Records calls it the world’s most fearless animal (even more so than a wolverine, apparently), and Scientific American found that “pound for pound the honey badger is the world’s most fearsome land mammal as a result of its favourable claw to body ratio and aggressive behavioural tendencies.” these are MUCH better titles than merely being large or slow. hell, i would probably rather be known as “the world’s most fearsome land mammal, janklow” than “President of the United States, janklow.” the latter has a better pension, but i guarantee you that these badgers get a lot more respect than, say, Jimmy Carter.

HONEY BADGERS HAVE VIRTUALLY NO EXTERNAL EARS
because they don’t need them, because they can SMELL YOUR FEAR. actually, i don’t know why it’s entirely awesome that they have virtually no external ears (beyond that it makes them less likely to get stung in said ears); i mostly just wanted to make a remark about honey badgers smelling your fear. and i know now that that was lame and so i apologize for it.

HONEY BADGERS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS VIDEO
which inspired this post, and which i will now embed. but first, let me just describe the key part of this video, which takes place from about 2:19 of the below clip until around the end:
-documentarian calls the honey badger “quite a thug”;
-honey badger discovers a snake eating something and steals the snake’s meal for itself;
-honey badger isn’t full and then attacks and kills the snake;
-honey badger starts to eat the snake;
-honey badger succumbs to the venom of the snake and dies;
-no, wait, the badger comes back to life, staggers around drunkenly, and then GOES BACK TO EATING THE SNAKE.

does that sound, frankly, unbelievable? well, try this description on for size:
“In a 2002 National Geographic documentary titled “Snake killers: Honey badgers of the Kalahari”, a badger named Kleinman was documented stealing a meal out of a puff adder’s mouth and casually eating the meal in front of the hissing snake. After the meal, Kleinman began to hunt the puff adder, the species being one of the badger’s preferred venomous snakes. He managed to kill the snake and began eating it, but then collapsed on the dead snake as he had been bitten during the struggle. After about two hours he surprisingly awoke. Once his paralysis had subsided, the badger continued with his meal and then resumed his journey.”

okay, enough teasing, watch this:

seriously, i could watch this badger stagger back to consciousness from his “hangover” all day. this is my goal for my own life: to be able to eat a poisonous snake and merely have a hangover from it. oh, and to then have people make a documentary about how awesome i am.

“because i can fuck or kill anyone i want.” or at least eat an alien fish

oh, well, in the absence of anything approaching a real topic (i know, i know, this sobriety is KILLING me here) or even a heartfelt tribute to the life and times of John Hughes, we’re going to have to revert back to the good old “post some random internet stories and mock them” thing. so, without further ado…

Russian alien that is NOT a fish
granted, the topic in question looks more fish-like, but if the question was “do i think Russian peasants would eat this alien if they discovered it,” then the answer is “YES”

Russian fishermen catch squeaking alien and eat it

now, Russia is the home of many strange events, whether it’s gigantic turn-of-the-century explosions or monks that cannot be easily killed by mortal means or that time those Russian miners broke through into HELL ITSELF (just kidding about that last one, of course), so it’s not like we should be surprised when something ridiculous goes down in Russia. isn’t that the country where random outposts of guards would be struck by incidents of murder and cannibalism? exactly. but this story, while it starts off “normally” weird, has that “and eat it” twist.

“village residents from the Rostov region of Russia caught a weird creature two weeks ago after a strong storm in the Sea of Azov.”

they further said that it was “shark-looking,” that it made strange squeaks, that it weighed around 100 kilograms, and that they thought it was an alien. maybe you find the alien part a little odd, but so far, this is pretty reasonable; there’s certainly a lot of random nonsense out there in the ocean(s) that might turn up. and then they took photos of it, and that makes sense as well. but then…

“However, ufologists and scientists were greatly disappointed when they found out that the fishermen had eaten the monster.”

wait, what?

“However, ufologists and scientists were greatly disappointed when they found out that the fishermen had eaten the monster.”

so as it turns out, because they weren’t scared of the creature, they thought they would say “fuck it” and EAT it. never mind that they couldn’t identify it; never mind that they thought it was an alien… they ate it (although at least one of them noted that it was “the most delicious dish he had ever eaten”).

later, other Russians with actual educations would declare it wasn’t an alien and/or that bore a resemblance to a sturgeon. still, what this story makes me wonder is that if it’s possible that the Tunguska event WAS an alien crash, that aliens were found in the wreckage… and that some Russians then found them non-threatening and ate them.

totally inoffensive Muhammad cartoon
see, Yale should have just done what i have: crop the cartoon into a harmless celebration of Muhammad!

Yale Press Bans Images of Muhammad in New Book

okay, that headline alone doesn’t sound that unreasonable; given all the drama that images of Muhammad have been known to kick off, it might be downright reasonable. ah, but that just means that you need a little bit more information about the topic at hand. for you see…

“So Yale University and Yale University Press consulted two dozen authorities, including diplomats and experts on Islam and counterterrorism, and the recommendation was unanimous: The book, “The Cartoons That Shook the World,” should not include the 12 Danish drawings that originally appeared in September 2005.”

that’s right; it’s a book ABOUT the cartoons that they have banned the images from. now, okay, the cartoons were OUTRAGEOUS and perhaps the book is just rubbing that in people’s faces… but it’s a book ABOUT the cartoons. it’s talking about them and, i assume, all the associated drama. isn’t that exactly the kind of book that should reprint the cartoons that, to be honest, everyone has already seen?

“What’s more, they suggested that the Yale press also refrain from publishing any other illustrations of the prophet that were to be included, specifically, a drawing for a children’s book; an Ottoman print; and a sketch by the 19th-century artist Gustave Doré of Muhammad being tormented in Hell, an episode from Dante’s “Inferno” that has been depicted by Botticelli, Blake, Rodin and Dalí.”

oh, i see… so, to avoid controversy, not only will we remove the images that outrage people, but also all the other images of the same topic… that didn’t cause outrage and violence… for no good reason either. huh. well, i have to be honest, this really doesn’t make much sense. luckily for us, however, the director of Yale University Press, one John Donatich, clearly stated his argument:

“The cartoons are freely available on the Internet and can be accurately described in words, Mr. Donatich said, so reprinting them could be interpreted easily as gratuitous.”

no, wait, that’s the worst argument ever. does he really think that anything available on the internet shouldn’t be published in a book? or that anything that can be accurately described in words shouldn’t? because i don’t think this guy understands how publishing works. oh, sure, he goes on to make this claim about how he’s daring and risk-taking because he’s published other controversial books, “like “The King Never Smiles” by Paul M. Handley, a recent unauthorized biography of Thailand’s current monarch.” but a) that just makes his decision to back down on the cartoons that much LESS reasonable (since he claims not to be afraid to be controversial) and b) really? a book about Thailand’s monarch is your outrageous book example? lame.

blood wouldn’t have been on your hands, Donatich; that’s on the hands of people who kill people over cartoons. and they want to kill the guys that drew them, not just any idiot that puts them in a book that’s trying to discuss them in a serious fashion.

ah, well, maybe next week we’ll get to that John Hughes thing? maybe? we’ll see. probably not. oh, but before i go, we all need to pause in order to watch something ridiculous and crazy. something that can be best illustrated by quoting the man in question:

…his response when asked why he left New Jersey to return to Afghanistan and become a warlord: “Because I can fuck or kill anyone I want.”

now, you don’t need to watch the WHOLE video unless you really want to, but what you DO need to do is forward to about 1:30 of this video and watch the next moments of ridiculousness. there’s a motorcycle, there’s a horse, there’s a machine gun… frankly, i’m jealous. i wish i was an Ismali warlord. okay, i might ditch the horse, but still… it’d be a fun ride while it lasted.

a celebration of our most macho hero: Vladimir Putin!

now, i know in the past i heaped praise on Kim Jong-Il, calling him “glorious leader” and the like, but all of us make mistakes in our lives, and i am no exception. however, now that i am (temporarily) spurning alcohol, the truth has been revealed to me: there’s a man who is at least 13 times as much glory and/or leadership material as Kim Jong-Il, and that magical man is Vladimir Putin! now, okay, he doesn’t have the “doesn’t urinate or defecate like mortal humans” thing going for him (who does?), but what he lacks in terms of not needing to use the bathroom, he makes up for by apparently spending his life doing ridiculous things CONSTANTLY.

but you don’t have to take my word for it… not when the internet can provide us with a listing of his feats of strength!

Vladimir Putin
and he can really look like a Bond villain when he tries. did i mention that as a factor in his overpowering awesomeness?

VLADIMIR PUTIN IS A MEMBER OF THE MOST FEARED PROFESSION IN THE WORLD
that’s right… he’s a lawyer. okay, okay, that was a fairly lame joke about lawyers, but seriously, don’t they always threaten to have the ability to make your life really difficult, or at least really annoying? also, Putin may kind of sort of have been a member of the KGB. you know, the OTHER most feared profession in the world. personally, i generally assume everyone in the KGB has killed SOMEONE with a poisonous umbrella.

VLADIMIR PUTIN TAKES JOYRIDES IN AWESOME SOVIET JET AIRCRAFT
because when you’re a bad enough dude to succeed Boris Yelstin and/or run Russia, you’re a bad enough dude to zoom around in a Tu-160 strategic bomber any time you feel like it. apparently some people said he also fired off an experimental cruise missile, and later, some people said that was nonsense, but i think we all know what REALLY happened: Putin probably leaped out of the jet in mid-flight and struck the earth with such a blinding, explosive impact that people THOUGHT it was a cruise missile. but it was just Putin, guys, just Putin.

VLADIMIR PUTIN WILL CRUSH YOU NO MATTER HOW RICH YOU ARE
Putin got into a bit of hot water with capitalism worldwide when his government went after Mikhail Khodorkovsky (who i suppose could have been called “Russia’s richest man,” if you’re into labels like that), who was president of YUKOS and who eventually was jailed for fraud and tax evasion. and i can see how that’s a bad thing… yet i have to note that there’s no possible way the US could ever put anyone you could call “America’s richest man” in jail. it would never happen, and that’s yet another reason why Putin is our moral and physical superior.

Vladimir Putin and Koni
awww… how can anyone not like Putin?

VLADIMIR PUTIN LOVES HIS ADORABLE DOG
so Putin has this black Labrador named Koni that he is devoted to and whose puppies he shows off and whom he “consults” with when he’s in a bad mood and who gives him “good advice.” i’m not making fun of this, as my former dog filled basically the same role in my life. but what’s even more awesome is not just that he takes this dog to meetings with world leaders (i’d do the same), but that he takes it to meet world leaders who fear dogs. “what’s that, Chancellor Merkel? you’re afraid of dogs? well, let me place my dog right next to you during this important meeting!”

VLADIMIR PUTIN SHOOTS MASSIVE RUSSIAN TIGERS
well, okay, he didn’t kill it, but if it wasn’t enough that Putin was cruising around in the wilds of Russia to help showcase Russian efforts to preserve endangered Siberian tigers (really? Russians conserving wildlife?) … he apparently noticed when a tiger became untied and subdued it by producing a rifle containing tranquilizer darts and dropping the tiger in its tracks. even if some have their doubts about this being the true version of events, i don’t. the only part i find worrisome is where Putin “kissed the big cat and said ‘goodbye.'” really, Putin?

VLADIMIR PUTIN IS A MASTER OF DEADLY MARTIAL ARTS
or, to put it another way, Putin released an instructional DVD on judo. entitled Let’s Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin, which is simultaneously the best and worst title EVER for an instructional video. and not only that, it’s FEATURING Vladimir Putin, so it’s not just about him endorsing some other random Russian’s DVD; here, you get to watch the man himself teach you judo chops or whatever you do in judo. i wouldn’t know, i’m a karate guy AND KARATE IS BACK! anyway, Putin apparently was a black belt at age 18 and won some judo championship in Leningrad in 1976. but the best part about this isn’t that the video contains quotes like “In a bout, compromises and concessions are permissible, but only in one case — if it is for victory,” it’s that he spurned sambo – a SOVIET martial art – for judo. Putin may love Russia, but he’s not sentimental about it.

Vladimir Putin and random horse
where is your shirt, Putin? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHERE IS YOUR SHIRT?

VLADIMIR PUTIN PAINTS GLORIOUS WATERCOLORS
i’m not going to lie, the fact that he’s painting delicate watercolor paintings is not exactly some awesome feat of strength. it’s more a testament to the fact that post-presidency Putin is a guy who’s basically doing whatever crazy stuff appeals to him, presumably because he’s free of the shackles of the presidency? or something? anyway, he also paints and people respect painters and this is just another sign that there is no end to what Putin can do. there it is.

VLADIMIR PUTIN DANCES MAJESTICALLY TO THE SOUNDS OF ABBA
really, Putin? ABBA? dancing to ABBA? right after the watercolors thing? i have to be honest: this is starting to really damage my effusive praise of you. still, i should note that anything that reminds us of the good old days when all the Soviet leaders danced and Khrushchev made fun of them (including himself) isn’t entirely bad. we’re clinging to whatever we can here!

VLADIMIR PUTIN THEATRICALLY COMES TO THE RESCUE OF THE WORKING MAN
so apparently there was some economic trouble in Russia (who could have predicted THAT happening, right?) at some place called “Pikalyovo” (which sounds totally fictional) and Putin came to the rescue by hurling around money and rebuking factory owners and hurling pens at them. which, if you want to take politics SERIOUSLY, sounds like a crazy PR move more than anything else. still, do you see the American president saying things like “You have made thousands of people hostages to your ambitions, your lack of professionalism — or maybe simply your trivial greed. Why was everyone running around like cockroaches before my arrival?” do you? exactly.

VLADIMIR PUTIN HANGS OUT WITH OUTLAW MOTORCYCLE GANGS
alright, i don’t know to what extent they were actually outlaws, but he was definitely hanging out with a swarm of Russian bikers for some reason, and the meeting sounds completely ridiculous: Putin gifts them with a massive flag that’s supposed to “protect” them; the bikers are referred to as “wolves” with “iron friends”; when bikers try to make a 100% Russian motorcycle, they end up with an “unrideable museum piece” somehow; and Putin relates that he had “recently tried to ride a bike, but ended up pulling a wheelie and crashed into another car.” the latter, of course, makes it ridiculous illogical that he’s hanging out with bikers.

Vladimir Putin and submarine
all pictures of Vladimir Putin basically carry the same underlying message: i’m Vladimir Putin, and i do whatever the hell i want to

VLADIMIR PUTIN LIKES TO POSE WITHOUT A SHIRT HIDING HIS GLORIOUS RUSSIAN MUSCLES
i mean, he REALLY likes to do this. because first he went camping with Prince Albert II of Monaco in 2007, and produced all these weird photos where he was running around in the woods without a shirt on, fishing and striding through water with purpose but for no reason and generally showing of his muscles. which, quite honestly, is just a weird thing for a political figure to do. and then, two years later, he does the same thing (basically) again. oh, and this time he’s riding a horse shirtless and swimming flagrantly. it’s weird. i’m sorry, Putin, i fear and respect you, but this shit is weird.

VLADIMIR PUTIN TRAVELS AT LEAST ONE MILE UNDERWATER
alright, it was with the help of a mini-submarine and it was with a team studying very mundane things like gas hydrates and crude oil seepage, but he HAS to use submarines to accomplish his feats so that we don’t fear him too much. plus, it’s not so much about the specific feat as it is about me picturing Putin sitting around saying “well… i’ve done everything else a man can do… so i guess i’ll go a mile underwater.” and then some Russian tries to stop him and Putin just fucking kills him.

VLADIMIR PUTIN USES FOUL LANGUAGE… JUST LIKE JANKLOW
Putin once notoriously said, in the aftermath of the incident in Beslan, “we’ll get them anywhere. if we find terrorists in the shithouse, then we’ll waste them in the shithouse. that’s all there is to it.” now, while many people have portrayed this as indicative of a cruel and bloodthirsty Putin, i look at it differently: it’s Putin using foul language, like myself, which is awesome. and not just any foul language, but crazy profanities like “shithouse!” i love this guy.

in summation, Putin’s like this awesome guy that killed scores of people, took over the entire nation of Russia, probably secretly made millions of dollars, and now just spends his time doing whatever random, crazy nonsense strikes him. i assume he’ll probably spend September training for and beating Fedor Emelianenko and that’s why he’s my hero, and yours as well, unless you want to receive some kind of judo chop. just think about it.