a celebration of our most macho hero: Vladimir Putin!

now, i know in the past i heaped praise on Kim Jong-Il, calling him “glorious leader” and the like, but all of us make mistakes in our lives, and i am no exception. however, now that i am (temporarily) spurning alcohol, the truth has been revealed to me: there’s a man who is at least 13 times as much glory and/or leadership material as Kim Jong-Il, and that magical man is Vladimir Putin! now, okay, he doesn’t have the “doesn’t urinate or defecate like mortal humans” thing going for him (who does?), but what he lacks in terms of not needing to use the bathroom, he makes up for by apparently spending his life doing ridiculous things CONSTANTLY.

but you don’t have to take my word for it… not when the internet can provide us with a listing of his feats of strength!

Vladimir Putin
and he can really look like a Bond villain when he tries. did i mention that as a factor in his overpowering awesomeness?

VLADIMIR PUTIN IS A MEMBER OF THE MOST FEARED PROFESSION IN THE WORLD
that’s right… he’s a lawyer. okay, okay, that was a fairly lame joke about lawyers, but seriously, don’t they always threaten to have the ability to make your life really difficult, or at least really annoying? also, Putin may kind of sort of have been a member of the KGB. you know, the OTHER most feared profession in the world. personally, i generally assume everyone in the KGB has killed SOMEONE with a poisonous umbrella.

VLADIMIR PUTIN TAKES JOYRIDES IN AWESOME SOVIET JET AIRCRAFT
because when you’re a bad enough dude to succeed Boris Yelstin and/or run Russia, you’re a bad enough dude to zoom around in a Tu-160 strategic bomber any time you feel like it. apparently some people said he also fired off an experimental cruise missile, and later, some people said that was nonsense, but i think we all know what REALLY happened: Putin probably leaped out of the jet in mid-flight and struck the earth with such a blinding, explosive impact that people THOUGHT it was a cruise missile. but it was just Putin, guys, just Putin.

VLADIMIR PUTIN WILL CRUSH YOU NO MATTER HOW RICH YOU ARE
Putin got into a bit of hot water with capitalism worldwide when his government went after Mikhail Khodorkovsky (who i suppose could have been called “Russia’s richest man,” if you’re into labels like that), who was president of YUKOS and who eventually was jailed for fraud and tax evasion. and i can see how that’s a bad thing… yet i have to note that there’s no possible way the US could ever put anyone you could call “America’s richest man” in jail. it would never happen, and that’s yet another reason why Putin is our moral and physical superior.

Vladimir Putin and Koni
awww… how can anyone not like Putin?

VLADIMIR PUTIN LOVES HIS ADORABLE DOG
so Putin has this black Labrador named Koni that he is devoted to and whose puppies he shows off and whom he “consults” with when he’s in a bad mood and who gives him “good advice.” i’m not making fun of this, as my former dog filled basically the same role in my life. but what’s even more awesome is not just that he takes this dog to meetings with world leaders (i’d do the same), but that he takes it to meet world leaders who fear dogs. “what’s that, Chancellor Merkel? you’re afraid of dogs? well, let me place my dog right next to you during this important meeting!”

VLADIMIR PUTIN SHOOTS MASSIVE RUSSIAN TIGERS
well, okay, he didn’t kill it, but if it wasn’t enough that Putin was cruising around in the wilds of Russia to help showcase Russian efforts to preserve endangered Siberian tigers (really? Russians conserving wildlife?) … he apparently noticed when a tiger became untied and subdued it by producing a rifle containing tranquilizer darts and dropping the tiger in its tracks. even if some have their doubts about this being the true version of events, i don’t. the only part i find worrisome is where Putin “kissed the big cat and said ‘goodbye.'” really, Putin?

VLADIMIR PUTIN IS A MASTER OF DEADLY MARTIAL ARTS
or, to put it another way, Putin released an instructional DVD on judo. entitled Let’s Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin, which is simultaneously the best and worst title EVER for an instructional video. and not only that, it’s FEATURING Vladimir Putin, so it’s not just about him endorsing some other random Russian’s DVD; here, you get to watch the man himself teach you judo chops or whatever you do in judo. i wouldn’t know, i’m a karate guy AND KARATE IS BACK! anyway, Putin apparently was a black belt at age 18 and won some judo championship in Leningrad in 1976. but the best part about this isn’t that the video contains quotes like “In a bout, compromises and concessions are permissible, but only in one case — if it is for victory,” it’s that he spurned sambo – a SOVIET martial art – for judo. Putin may love Russia, but he’s not sentimental about it.

Vladimir Putin and random horse
where is your shirt, Putin? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHERE IS YOUR SHIRT?

VLADIMIR PUTIN PAINTS GLORIOUS WATERCOLORS
i’m not going to lie, the fact that he’s painting delicate watercolor paintings is not exactly some awesome feat of strength. it’s more a testament to the fact that post-presidency Putin is a guy who’s basically doing whatever crazy stuff appeals to him, presumably because he’s free of the shackles of the presidency? or something? anyway, he also paints and people respect painters and this is just another sign that there is no end to what Putin can do. there it is.

VLADIMIR PUTIN DANCES MAJESTICALLY TO THE SOUNDS OF ABBA
really, Putin? ABBA? dancing to ABBA? right after the watercolors thing? i have to be honest: this is starting to really damage my effusive praise of you. still, i should note that anything that reminds us of the good old days when all the Soviet leaders danced and Khrushchev made fun of them (including himself) isn’t entirely bad. we’re clinging to whatever we can here!

VLADIMIR PUTIN THEATRICALLY COMES TO THE RESCUE OF THE WORKING MAN
so apparently there was some economic trouble in Russia (who could have predicted THAT happening, right?) at some place called “Pikalyovo” (which sounds totally fictional) and Putin came to the rescue by hurling around money and rebuking factory owners and hurling pens at them. which, if you want to take politics SERIOUSLY, sounds like a crazy PR move more than anything else. still, do you see the American president saying things like “You have made thousands of people hostages to your ambitions, your lack of professionalism — or maybe simply your trivial greed. Why was everyone running around like cockroaches before my arrival?” do you? exactly.

VLADIMIR PUTIN HANGS OUT WITH OUTLAW MOTORCYCLE GANGS
alright, i don’t know to what extent they were actually outlaws, but he was definitely hanging out with a swarm of Russian bikers for some reason, and the meeting sounds completely ridiculous: Putin gifts them with a massive flag that’s supposed to “protect” them; the bikers are referred to as “wolves” with “iron friends”; when bikers try to make a 100% Russian motorcycle, they end up with an “unrideable museum piece” somehow; and Putin relates that he had “recently tried to ride a bike, but ended up pulling a wheelie and crashed into another car.” the latter, of course, makes it ridiculous illogical that he’s hanging out with bikers.

Vladimir Putin and submarine
all pictures of Vladimir Putin basically carry the same underlying message: i’m Vladimir Putin, and i do whatever the hell i want to

VLADIMIR PUTIN LIKES TO POSE WITHOUT A SHIRT HIDING HIS GLORIOUS RUSSIAN MUSCLES
i mean, he REALLY likes to do this. because first he went camping with Prince Albert II of Monaco in 2007, and produced all these weird photos where he was running around in the woods without a shirt on, fishing and striding through water with purpose but for no reason and generally showing of his muscles. which, quite honestly, is just a weird thing for a political figure to do. and then, two years later, he does the same thing (basically) again. oh, and this time he’s riding a horse shirtless and swimming flagrantly. it’s weird. i’m sorry, Putin, i fear and respect you, but this shit is weird.

VLADIMIR PUTIN TRAVELS AT LEAST ONE MILE UNDERWATER
alright, it was with the help of a mini-submarine and it was with a team studying very mundane things like gas hydrates and crude oil seepage, but he HAS to use submarines to accomplish his feats so that we don’t fear him too much. plus, it’s not so much about the specific feat as it is about me picturing Putin sitting around saying “well… i’ve done everything else a man can do… so i guess i’ll go a mile underwater.” and then some Russian tries to stop him and Putin just fucking kills him.

VLADIMIR PUTIN USES FOUL LANGUAGE… JUST LIKE JANKLOW
Putin once notoriously said, in the aftermath of the incident in Beslan, “we’ll get them anywhere. if we find terrorists in the shithouse, then we’ll waste them in the shithouse. that’s all there is to it.” now, while many people have portrayed this as indicative of a cruel and bloodthirsty Putin, i look at it differently: it’s Putin using foul language, like myself, which is awesome. and not just any foul language, but crazy profanities like “shithouse!” i love this guy.

in summation, Putin’s like this awesome guy that killed scores of people, took over the entire nation of Russia, probably secretly made millions of dollars, and now just spends his time doing whatever random, crazy nonsense strikes him. i assume he’ll probably spend September training for and beating Fedor Emelianenko and that’s why he’s my hero, and yours as well, unless you want to receive some kind of judo chop. just think about it.

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