“because i can fuck or kill anyone i want.” or at least eat an alien fish

oh, well, in the absence of anything approaching a real topic (i know, i know, this sobriety is KILLING me here) or even a heartfelt tribute to the life and times of John Hughes, we’re going to have to revert back to the good old “post some random internet stories and mock them” thing. so, without further ado…

Russian alien that is NOT a fish
granted, the topic in question looks more fish-like, but if the question was “do i think Russian peasants would eat this alien if they discovered it,” then the answer is “YES”

Russian fishermen catch squeaking alien and eat it

now, Russia is the home of many strange events, whether it’s gigantic turn-of-the-century explosions or monks that cannot be easily killed by mortal means or that time those Russian miners broke through into HELL ITSELF (just kidding about that last one, of course), so it’s not like we should be surprised when something ridiculous goes down in Russia. isn’t that the country where random outposts of guards would be struck by incidents of murder and cannibalism? exactly. but this story, while it starts off “normally” weird, has that “and eat it” twist.

“village residents from the Rostov region of Russia caught a weird creature two weeks ago after a strong storm in the Sea of Azov.”

they further said that it was “shark-looking,” that it made strange squeaks, that it weighed around 100 kilograms, and that they thought it was an alien. maybe you find the alien part a little odd, but so far, this is pretty reasonable; there’s certainly a lot of random nonsense out there in the ocean(s) that might turn up. and then they took photos of it, and that makes sense as well. but then…

“However, ufologists and scientists were greatly disappointed when they found out that the fishermen had eaten the monster.”

wait, what?

“However, ufologists and scientists were greatly disappointed when they found out that the fishermen had eaten the monster.”

so as it turns out, because they weren’t scared of the creature, they thought they would say “fuck it” and EAT it. never mind that they couldn’t identify it; never mind that they thought it was an alien… they ate it (although at least one of them noted that it was “the most delicious dish he had ever eaten”).

later, other Russians with actual educations would declare it wasn’t an alien and/or that bore a resemblance to a sturgeon. still, what this story makes me wonder is that if it’s possible that the Tunguska event WAS an alien crash, that aliens were found in the wreckage… and that some Russians then found them non-threatening and ate them.

totally inoffensive Muhammad cartoon
see, Yale should have just done what i have: crop the cartoon into a harmless celebration of Muhammad!

Yale Press Bans Images of Muhammad in New Book

okay, that headline alone doesn’t sound that unreasonable; given all the drama that images of Muhammad have been known to kick off, it might be downright reasonable. ah, but that just means that you need a little bit more information about the topic at hand. for you see…

“So Yale University and Yale University Press consulted two dozen authorities, including diplomats and experts on Islam and counterterrorism, and the recommendation was unanimous: The book, “The Cartoons That Shook the World,” should not include the 12 Danish drawings that originally appeared in September 2005.”

that’s right; it’s a book ABOUT the cartoons that they have banned the images from. now, okay, the cartoons were OUTRAGEOUS and perhaps the book is just rubbing that in people’s faces… but it’s a book ABOUT the cartoons. it’s talking about them and, i assume, all the associated drama. isn’t that exactly the kind of book that should reprint the cartoons that, to be honest, everyone has already seen?

“What’s more, they suggested that the Yale press also refrain from publishing any other illustrations of the prophet that were to be included, specifically, a drawing for a children’s book; an Ottoman print; and a sketch by the 19th-century artist Gustave Doré of Muhammad being tormented in Hell, an episode from Dante’s “Inferno” that has been depicted by Botticelli, Blake, Rodin and Dalí.”

oh, i see… so, to avoid controversy, not only will we remove the images that outrage people, but also all the other images of the same topic… that didn’t cause outrage and violence… for no good reason either. huh. well, i have to be honest, this really doesn’t make much sense. luckily for us, however, the director of Yale University Press, one John Donatich, clearly stated his argument:

“The cartoons are freely available on the Internet and can be accurately described in words, Mr. Donatich said, so reprinting them could be interpreted easily as gratuitous.”

no, wait, that’s the worst argument ever. does he really think that anything available on the internet shouldn’t be published in a book? or that anything that can be accurately described in words shouldn’t? because i don’t think this guy understands how publishing works. oh, sure, he goes on to make this claim about how he’s daring and risk-taking because he’s published other controversial books, “like “The King Never Smiles” by Paul M. Handley, a recent unauthorized biography of Thailand’s current monarch.” but a) that just makes his decision to back down on the cartoons that much LESS reasonable (since he claims not to be afraid to be controversial) and b) really? a book about Thailand’s monarch is your outrageous book example? lame.

blood wouldn’t have been on your hands, Donatich; that’s on the hands of people who kill people over cartoons. and they want to kill the guys that drew them, not just any idiot that puts them in a book that’s trying to discuss them in a serious fashion.

ah, well, maybe next week we’ll get to that John Hughes thing? maybe? we’ll see. probably not. oh, but before i go, we all need to pause in order to watch something ridiculous and crazy. something that can be best illustrated by quoting the man in question:

…his response when asked why he left New Jersey to return to Afghanistan and become a warlord: “Because I can fuck or kill anyone I want.”

now, you don’t need to watch the WHOLE video unless you really want to, but what you DO need to do is forward to about 1:30 of this video and watch the next moments of ridiculousness. there’s a motorcycle, there’s a horse, there’s a machine gun… frankly, i’m jealous. i wish i was an Ismali warlord. okay, i might ditch the horse, but still… it’d be a fun ride while it lasted.

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